Treated like I’m not family

Thank goodness. I hope that put him in his place. How dare he?

I can understand the hurt that you’re feeling, OP. Condolences on your loss.
It’s interesting that quite a few posters on here have said that in the event of their own parent dying, they wouldn’t really want their siblings’ partner around immediately after. So maybe it’s a natural (albeit a bit selfish) instinct that most of us would like our own partner there for our own comfort, but not our siblings’ partners. So maybe your husband was looking at the wider picture ie he was thinking of his siblings too and trying to keep it limited.
in my opinion, it would really depend on the dynamic of each family - all are different of course. However, it sounds like your in-laws have been a true family for you, and I’m sorry that you weren’t invited to be there with them at this time. I hope that when the dust has settled, you can talk to your husband about this, and i hope he will explain himself in a way that reassures you.
x

OP, the question is why he felt the need to be so nasty.
That doesn't come from nowhere.
It is unwise to ignore it too.
When you love someone you aren't deliberately nasty to them.
You clearly have been a great support, yet he felt that need to be unkind?

Sadly I 100% believe those who do too much, are rarely appreciated.

So they didn't treat you like you're not family?

He passed away st home with family but yiur DH wasn’t there? Do you think that maybe some feelings about the above came into play

but he just lost his father grief doesn’t just make you say the truth or things you mean it can also make you say things out of anger and spite

he had just lost his father and that really is all there is to it

“WashableVelvet · Yesterday 20:36

I don’t feel I’m related to my in laws. And I can imagine if my parent died, preferring to just be with my own family members not my siblings’ partners etc.”

There is obviously a spread of views on this. DH and i had DCs before we got married. I felt like i was related to my now PILs as soon as our first was born. If they were her grandparents and i was her mother then to me that made us family. But we’ve always got on very well which probably helps.

Ouch. That's terrible.
I split with my ex 10 months before hos dad died. I didn't see him at the hospital cos I had the kids and felt it was appropriate that he was with his Dad.
I was mentioned as his daughter in law at his funeral, I was in the front row, and actually my MIL has involved me with more than her son. She's of the opinion that she's been there for me since I was a teenager and she loves me so she's not losing me because of her sons stupidity.
And I guess that benefits her too, because she gets to see the kids 2-3 times a week, we share dinners, we go on holidays together, we take the kids swimming together. She gets regular video chats with the boys, and she's always welcome to anything that's happening.

They lose out in the long run if you're seen that way. Pull back. No more wife work where the ILs are concerned.

Well it wasn’t phrased very well, but I can kind of understand this. When my mum died, my DH offered to come with me (my mum lived abroad), but I didn’t want him there. I wanted to be with my brother and my mum’s sister and husband. Similarly my brother told his DW not to come. I appreciate this is a different scenario in that no one was travelling abroad, but I wouldn’t have wanted my DH or my SIL there to be honest. And for want of trying to find the right words to explain that, I guess “family only” sounds harsh, but is also reflective of how I felt. I didn’t want to be thinking about anyone else, I just wanted to be with those closest to my mum. My DH was fine about this - whilst he was fond of my mum, he would only have been coming to offer support to me. And I didn’t need his support as I had my brother. My brother’s DW was a bit miffed (no change there then!) and when he said he didn’t need the support, she said she had also loved my mum and wanted to be there for herself. To grieve. Which is a fairly typical response to make it all about her!

I guess if a partner wants to be there, I would be asking why: Support for the spouse? (Don’t need it). For themselves to grieve? (not your parent. Leave it to the siblings to grieve together, your opportunity to grieve will come later, this isn’t about you).

That’s just how I felt when it was my parent who died. I’m not saying it’s correct. Just that I do understand.

Try not go get too upset by this. His dad had literally just died, it's a time when people do strange things.
But at the same time, I'd be upset also.

This.

When my mil died. Me and the other sil went up with our partners, but when it came to viewing the body, we both spontaneously felt this was a blood family moment and stayed outside and I know it was appreciated.

The relationship you have with your pil is in almost all cases less than the one you have with your parents, and having time for just siblings can be important.

I should have realised the writing was on the wall when my BIL got married, and my kids and partner were pulled into all the photos, and I was excluded even from the big one. And they did all the photos - each individual family group etc. - just without me.

When my FIL died we all went over though. I get the idea of it just being siblings, but then if my father was dying, the person I'd want near me for support is my partner (or would have been, until he became an ex) so there's definitely a disconnect there.

I’m sorry 💕 I feel the same way, we’ve been married for 26 years and my in laws are all lovely, but they clearly don’t consider me family. It used to upset me as they consider their other DIL close family but not me, but now I just let them get on with it. She can look after them when they’re old lol.

There are some massive over reactions on this thread.

It would be completely normal not to go and see family if PIL dies in many cases. I’d feel incredibly awkward being there under those circumstances as would DH if it were my parents.

Not everyone has a closely blended extended family. My DP and PIL all live close by but don’t know each other. Equally DH and I aren’t really close at all with our respective PIL. We very much deal with our own parents and that’s about it other than the odd pleasantry.

Hanging around them at the point of a bereavement would be very weird for either of us as simply wouldn’t happen.

He’s grieving.

His father has just died. His choice of words was hurtful but he possibly just meant immediate family at that time.

When my mum died I know I only had the headspace to manage mine and ds emotions.

I'm sorry for all of your losses but unless there’s a whole background of abusive behaviour would allow this one to slide and talk about it at a later date.

Obviously his mum sending him back means she was happy to have extended family.

But please don’t ruin an otherwise hood relationship (if it is) based on a grieving spouses immediate reaction not being perfect.

Wow. My inlaws very much see me as family. My mum passed away recently and my MIL made a proper fuss of me when I had a big birthday, it was lovely. I would be sad to lose either PIL.

Glad he came back for you. At least you know they see you as family and your dh got it wrong.

Id like to think that in those circumstances I’d ask my husband what he wants and needs me to do . DH and his mother are not close, his brother lives on the other side of the world and we (and his mother) hear from him every few years. It’s a small and not close family.
Even in these circumstances, where I know he’d need me, I hope I’d be mindful of the people in his family who are grieving and what they need.
Grief is so personal and unique. I’ve learned to try and give grace to people in these circumstances. People are just not in their right mind and now is not the time to bring this up. There are months ahead in which to explore this if you feel there’s something there. Unless he’s routinely dismissive of your feelings and contribution, I think I’d probably let it go.
I would guess my own husband would want me with him to support him, but he’s also someone intensely private who needs space to process his own feelings. That doesn’t make him cold, and he isn’t disrespectful to me or my place in our family or what I do for the family and his family. It’s totally about what he and his mum would need at the time.
When my own mum’s time comes to pass, there was only even me and her - an intense unit. She’s intensely loving, dedicated, but stoic and private (husband is actually a lot like her, oddly enough!) I can imagine in a situation where she was dying (what a bloody hideous thing to think about) that it would be mostly me and her. That my kids who she adores would be there briefly and husband would be a support act, gophering. Not because he doesn’t belong or she doesn’t see us as family, but because she’s very private and I would imagine she will want to go out as she lived - with her feeling of what dignity looks like and as much privacy as possible.) Again, even in the case of my own mum, I’d like to think I’ll be thinking predominantly about her and her needs first. That said, in my grief I may end up being a monster - it’s hard to tell. This is why so many families and relationships break down at these moments. People behave bizarrely in grief.
Only you know your husband, and I don’t know the shape and size of his, but he may very well have been thinking about shielding his mum from loads of people in the house in the immediate aftermath and checking in what she wants, first albeit clumsily. The important thing I think to take from this is that your MiL absolutely sees you as family and wanted you there. Clumsily put by him, but I think his intention
and consideration was first with the needs of his bereaved mother, as it should have been. He could have expressed it better, but … just lost his dad.
Lots of love to you, in your own grief. I’m sorry for your loss.

That's awful. Of course you would be part of the family.

What a ridiculous comment to make about a wife who’s just lost her husband. Apples and oranges.

Sorry for your loss OP. Can totally understand why this felt hurtful but if you’ve not been made to feel this way before (sounds like you’ve been very much treated as part of the family) I’d chalk it up to grief.

I’ve found sometimes people can become quite ‘proper’ in situations like this, they don’t know how to act so revert to some kind of playbook of how ‘these things are supposed to go’ in their head e.g. having a very traditional funeral for someone who wasn’t traditional themselves.

Or perhaps he thought he was being mindful of his siblings and their feelings. However close you are, the dynamic can be different with just siblings rather than siblings and their partners so it might also have been a case of not knowing what he’d be stepping into.

Sometimes being supportive is about being right there beside someone, other times it’s about stepping back and letting them do what they need to.

You’re grieving too but it’s a different type of loss to you, lean on friends if you feel you need that support yourself too.

I think your husband could be jealous of your closeness to his family.

Anyway it was a terrible thing to say to you.

Why did you do the taking to hospital -were you working fewer hours so more available?
Was DH jealous of th e time you had with DFIL?

Some families are like this.

My in laws were definitely like this, and at each death none of the decades long wives and husbands are included. Even if they were super close. It has had a chilling effect on family relations. I don’t know how far this should go, but it’s very unpleasant and othering.

Worse still in times of grief.

I would wait a few months, and then explain how this made you feel. If you want to pull back, then do so.

You are not there when it suits them. Sone families have a hierarchy, and it becomes more exposed in grief and shock.

I think that was a rotten thing to say even if he is grieving. The thing is if you say anything he could say you are either hitting him while his down or he didn't mean what he said. No matter what you can't win. You can't say you really hurt my feelings as it will come across as why are you bringing it up at a time like this. No keep as they say your powder dry at the moment and any time he asks you to do anything for his family remind him of this and say " I not part of your family".
What he said would hurt me to the core if I was close to my in-laws.

How horrible of your DH. When my dad died, my brother’s fiancé of course came straight over with him to see my dad before the undertaker arrived (he died at home). They’d only been together 2-3yrs at that point, but no-one considered that she shouldn’t come. Glad his mum asked where you were and got you over. I’d be considering my future with him.