Treated like I’m not family

Seems to me that a lot of people have overlooked the part when the DH's mum asked where OP was. His stopping OP from going to her ILs is all on her DH. Did you not read the part where OP does a lot for ILs?

Your DH doesn’t want you there because he doesn’t want to be reminded that you’ve been a better daughter to his father than he has been a son. He’s been quite happy for you run his dad to hospital appointments etc and do all the work. And now he realises it’s too late to make it up and be a good son. He doesn’t want you in the room when his mum tells you how good you’ve been to them all and be made to feel guilty he has let the family and himself down. He wants to control the narrative.

I would be so hurt if my DH said that to me after 17 years but I wouldn't act on it straight away. I would wait a while, let the dust settle. He definitely shouldn't have said it infront of DD so I would also want to see if either of them say anything about it, your DH may realise what he said was hurtful and said in shock. I would need time to decide if that comment changed the way I feel about the marriage.

Wow, years together and 17 years married and you are not family? Guess you now know how your husband feels about you. Given he’s grieving I’d defo park this for now op. I would be bringing it up for a serious chat at some point for sure. A very hurtful remark that was hopefully not meant the way it sounded and was blurted out in grief. Hopefully..

Yes I agree. I have experienced enough death to know that some people go inwards and prefer to grieve with those directly related.

In this situation the husband may feel like that and so may the other related members of the bereaved family.

I would support my husband in this and he has supported me in the way I asked for during the death of both my parents.

OP can choose to be offended and throw her marriage away if she wishes but unless her marriage is in trouble already that would be a sad response to her grieving husband.

Sorry I think its really weird. As a DiL I can't imagine NOT doing over to see MiL with my DH if something happened to FiL.
Obviously I wouldn't expect to be there when things are being sorted, thats down to his wife and kids but I'd be there to support him, hold the fort at home etc but to be told you are not family after 17yrs of marriage is just downright nasty and rude, and a bereavement doesn't make that happen. That thought is 'there' and obviously what he believes.
I'd give him some space due to the death but that would be a serious conversation with definite boundaries put in place after.

I’m guessing that DH was speaking for himself not his family. He wanted to be just with his mum, siblings and DD at this time. Perhaps he wants to keep you for himself as he grieves. At some point you need to talk about it but not yet. And don’t blame the wider family for something DH said. Offer to be with them as much as they want.

How hurtful. I can’t imagine this. Whilst she irritated the heck out of me I was very much MILs family. I was never excluded from anything, even in the broader family, and spent lots of time looking after and visiting her in her final years. I was with her holding her hand just before she passed (DH wasn’t). Was similarly close to BIL, and viewed his body with DH.
My adult DCs long term partners are also welcome to everything family related.

That's how it worked with us. DH and his brothers clung together when their parents died. My brother's and I when our father died. Respective partners were there in the background for a time.

I was about to disagree with you because I love my brothers’ partners and I know they would want them there as support, as I would my husband. But DH and I can’t stand BILs partner so I wonder if it would feel like she was intruding…although DH wouldn’t care, he’s very good at letting that stuff wash over him and think about what is important.

I would be upset in the OPs situation - I love my in laws, consider them a second set of parents, and would be devastated if they died

I think this is a 'wait and see" moment. yes it might be a grief reaction and it might not. Has he done shit like this before?

I think you have every right to be hurt given all you have done for the family. Not every PIL/DIL relationship is close but you really stepped up.
Fair enough if he wanted or felt he needed to go alone but him taking your DD and insisting you stay behind was hurtful.

I would be very hurt and very upset/angry by what your DH said and did, OP. Thank goodness his mum asked for you.

I'd leave it for now, but I would be thinking about what I wanted my future life to look like. If, in the future, you became incapacitated, would your DH be there for you, or not do anything to help because you're 'not family'?

I am sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately this had to be about them. Siblings and wife. I went to support in the hours after my FIL died but wasn’t there when he was dying (even though I had been there for weeks) due to respect to my brother in law incase it made him self conscious in his grieving. I am close to them all but not siblings or parent. I think it is best left to ‘core’ family. I also don’t think you can ‘judge’ him on this or ever mention it. His dad has just died so give him the grace to have misjudged it. If it’s a theme then pick one of the other examples or actions. Seriously not this one xx

No. This isn’t what OP is saying.

I’d cut her husband some slack because his father has died, but it was still a devastating thing for him to say and do.

Who do they think they are, the royal family ?
Of course you should have been expected as you are family & hopefully your father-in-law knew how much you cared for him ❤️

As for what to do now. Try & seperate your grief from loss from your upset over being offended as you don't want to descend into a spiral of emotions you can't get out of & try to offer up your condolences to other family members like siblings, mother-in-law ect. As they'll probably wonder where you were at some point once their own shock wears off.

They were more than happy to let her be the main circle of support when they needed someone to drive their dad to hospital and doctor appointments and look after him.

Stop with the 'kindly remember they're grieving' shit. So is OP.

I think it’s a bizarre viewpoint, to defend his. Fair enough if he wanted to go alone and be with his mum and adult siblings, but the idea he would take your daughter and tell you that you’re not family is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm so sorry.

Your husband's words are appalling; grief is no excuse.

I'd be stopping all the wife work, though. You're not family? You're done.

Kindly, at this time, things are not all about you and your feelings. Remember circles of support. You are on a more outer circle than your husband is as son. Your job is to provide inner circles with comfort and support.

I'm so sorry for firstly your loss and secondly what has happened. That is truly awful of your DH.

Same thing happened to my mum after grandpa died. It was coming from my grandma. As the grandkid (I was already married by then), I can tell you it was a complete betrayal and hurt so badly.

I'd probably expect that if this was a partner that I had been dating for a couple of months,not a wife of 17 years 😔😮At least you know where you stand now. 😔

If he was resentful he could always have taken over driving his dad to appointments, sorting their shopping, and checking in on them daily. He can’t have it both ways - if he was going to be resentful, he needed to step up.

Please don't take it to heart. When my mother was dying of cancer, my father said to me: You take charge of your mother as you are the only family she has (she came from elsewhere). Well, you have only been married to her for 65 years, so what are you then, if not family? He was a man of extremes, sometimes wonderful and sometimes foul. Go by the general behaviour of your partner over the years you have know him and most of all how he treats you and your daughter now. If he is cruel, then of course rethink, but, if a blip, let it go. People can say strange things.