Treated like I’m not family

I’ve come to realise that in my husbands family wives are not treated as ‘family’. My children are, a woman that rocked up after 20 years and wanted to reconnect with her dad’s family is, but wives, not really. It took a while for me to work it out as my family welcome partner’s wholeheartedly. So now, I don’t get involved in their dramas, I don’t offer advice, I don’t put myself out. I suggest you do the same in future.

Your DH is an arse!
He's likely feeling guilty that he's not done more and left you to look out for his parents, fetching and carrying. I suppose you write all the Birthday and Christmas cards for his family aswell.

Grieving or not I'd have bloody told him and gone along anyway.

I can totally understand why what he said has hurt you, particularly in the context of how much you’ve done for your PIL.
If DH is feeling guilt as well as grief, be prepared for it to get worse, especially if he’s not the type to open up and talk about how he feels. Know your boundaries and practice stating them and implementing them calmly, particularly if the grief becomes anger. Ultimately he may need some help processing this, particularly if he’s a golden child/whole family worshipped FIL. If he’s also the eldest son there may well be a pressure to ‘fill the gap’ FIL has left

Divorce the fucker. He has shown his true feelings. This isn't grief talking, it's his nasty nature.

Whatever your partner says, you need to be seen sending condolences and perhaps visiting MIL with some flowers or something to show you care, even if you go alone. If you don't, the family will think you don't care and won't know that partner is saying your are not family.

That's nice at least someone recognises your effort.

If DH said this to me he'd just be reflecting back his own parents attitude - though I don't think he would TBH and I'm a lot less close then you clearly are.

He had just had a call to say his dad has died, probably was not thinking straight. Cut him some slack, he will have gone straight into panic mode.

some odd comments on here …

You have my full sympathy.

Wow. Some of the responses are mind boggling but then given some attitudes towards funerals portrayed here, possibly not surprising.
It's sad reading how detached some are, even when there are established relationships. The stiff upper lip attitude and compartmentalizing of grief perfectly illustrated.

Right, and her DH is entitled to a view too.

In this situation the husband may feel like that and so may the other related members of the bereaved family.

I understand this position, but there are ways to talk about that respectfully and ASK for it respectfully, not just say 'you aren't family, you can't come', that's a disgusting attitude towards someone who loves your parents like their own and supports them more than you do, it's no wonder OP is so shocked, it's an insult to say she isn't family while she's been actively taking care of them like she would her own parents.

I've been around a lot of death myself and I wouldn't be happy that my 13 year old was being sent off to 'go and grieve' with their family, without me to support them, the role of people like OP in times like this is to quietly support her husband and child while he supports his family and parents.. how can she do that if she is excluded?

The fact that his MUM insisted he go back and get OP says everything you need to know about this situation.

I would have expected to go to support DD. She is young and might be distressed - is FIL still at home or has he been taken to a chapel of rest? I would give DH the benefit of the doubt in this case though. He has just lost his father.

I have always been incredibly close to his whole family. I’m no contact with my family, so his family have always been there for me. I have been the one driving father in law to hospital appointments and getting shopping for them as well as checking in with them daily to see how they are.

OP said and MIL made him go get her. He doesn’t speak for everyone in his family.

Yanbu. Obviously yes he had a horrible shock and that's awful but he meant what he said and the shock allowed his fake mask to slip. He does not consider you to be part of his family - that is a relationship-ending revelation. Even in the shock of grief it should be obvious that even if nothing else your 13yo DD needed to have both parents with her as she processed the grief of losing her grandpa.

They didn't, read her posts MIL wanted her there! This is just about her DH.

bless her, at least she knows what family really means.

You can't really do anything about it now OP, as anything you say will forever be held over you as you making your FIL death all about you. But I would be incredibly hurt by what he said, his family did want you there, so why would he purposely exclude you?

Do you have a good relationship with DH usually? Or is there a lot of resentment under the surface?

Have a long hard think about where you stand in his estimation and whether you are happy to stay there.

No just her DH.

Absute rubbish. Even MIL asked where she was!!

I agree 100%. Don't make this an issue or about you OP.
If there other issues in your marriage, address them seperately, and well after this sad time.
Edited after reading your update - your MIL sounds lovely, and I'm glad she has included you. I still wouldn't make a deal of it with DH.

Bless your MIL.
At least you know this is entirely a husband problem - you're good enough to work for his parents, but must stand back at 'family time'?

It’s difficult as I know some people are close to their in-laws but I think you’re your DHs family but not really his FILs family.

That doesn’t mean you don’t matter but that it’s not the same as a direct parent.

That was my thought. Maybe he should have been more present instead of leaving it to his wife?

The wording wasn't ideal, but they're bereaved and I also get how they might just want biological family there.

Did he tell her you aren't family?

I was the one who sat with mil as she took her last breath. Of course we're family. Your dh sounds very odd.

@MrsKnob whether he’s in shock or not there’s no reason for this kind of arseholey behaviour, if he doesn’t consider you to be family what the hell is he doing with you?