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Original poster

Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

157 replies

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:09

So my brothers ex, who they share a baby and 4 year old with - is really getting him down.

he works really long shifts at the police, she has his work schedule from when they were together & so he has them every single day that hes not working, about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.

anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

he pays £500 a month, £200 over what CMS say.
and also pays for them, clothes and activities etc of course when he has them

he lives an hour away, but hes very devoted, he comes frequently at random to collect 4 year old from school etc. he recently said that the monday morning 5:45 wake up to get ready for school on time with the commute is impacting 4 year old, and he was met with being shamed, saying ‘oh so you have a Sunday night alone’ etc

its really getting him down, and absolutely nothing is good enough, no money is enough etc

what really can he do, or whats the best way to sort this mess out?

OP posts:
Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:25

ohfook · 11/09/2025 18:22

I’m not sure to be honest. I’m trying to acknowledge my own biases while I’m reading this but most people I know are either working or parenting and this doesn’t seem that much different tbh. It’s clear from the the message though that your brother feels he is doing more than he should (or maybe you feel this) despite the fact that 3 days and 2 nights isn’t half of the week.

You often do find though that once couples separate, men get a shock when they realise that they haven’t been doing their fair share all along.

Yeah i agree, I have kids the same age & sometimes Im like god shutup and crack on like we all have to etc, hes not complaining about seeing them, the issue is that if he says he is working one day and cant have them, pre arranged with her, she will still ask him the day before, and then kick off about it, but this has happened only on two occasions where he has to go to court for work

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 11/09/2025 18:24

about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.
anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

So they have an arrangement in place which works around work schedules, which you say is fine. If he needs a break then he needs to be asking you, family or friends for childcare the same way the ex asks her mum when she needs help

Mrsttcno1 · 11/09/2025 18:23

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:22

He literally cant have them when hes working, he does night shifts etc, hes worked 10 years to build a career

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Do you think no other parent has a career OP?😂 he will have to do what every other parent does and pay for childcare to cover his working days.

GreenFrogYellow · 11/09/2025 18:23

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:22

He literally cant have them when hes working, he does night shifts etc, hes worked 10 years to build a career

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Parents (usually the woman) often have to make career sacrifices for their children. He isn’t doing 50/50

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:23

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:22

He literally cant have them when hes working, he does night shifts etc, hes worked 10 years to build a career

Show quote history

But yeah she wants him to get a different job

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 11/09/2025 18:22

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:20

He has them every weekend a night in the week and monday night

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… 2 nights a week, exactly what I said🤣

If he wants time off his already limited time with his own kids then he can do what every other parent would have to do- pay a babysitter.

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:22

Testerical · 11/09/2025 18:20

Who moved away and why isn’t he doing 50/50? Shift work isn’t an excuse. It’s not up to the mum to make all the career related sacrifices.

He literally cant have them when hes working, he does night shifts etc, hes worked 10 years to build a career

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 11/09/2025 18:22

Cms is bare minimum. Paying over it is not evidence of a devoted parent.

if the kids are in full time childcare presumably she works full time. I also presume her mum helps out around school/etc with the 4year old.

police shifts are a bloody nightmare. Does he do days and nights and moving around?

she could be a lot more difficult than she is. She doesn’t have to facilitate shift work and could insist on 50:50 on a fixed schedule which would really fuck up his work/childcare needs etc.

why is he an hour away from their school?

ohfook · 11/09/2025 18:22

I’m not sure to be honest. I’m trying to acknowledge my own biases while I’m reading this but most people I know are either working or parenting and this doesn’t seem that much different tbh. It’s clear from the the message though that your brother feels he is doing more than he should (or maybe you feel this) despite the fact that 3 days and 2 nights isn’t half of the week.

You often do find though that once couples separate, men get a shock when they realise that they haven’t been doing their fair share all along.

Doneit14 · 11/09/2025 18:22

Op you have much much bigger things to focus on that your brother trying to bail on his own children

Tigerthatcameforbrunch · 11/09/2025 18:21

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:16

No and he clearly hasnt, she gets angry whenever she has to have her children

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She gets angry whenever he wants a "day off" and for her to pick up the slack???

If he want a day off he needs to arrange a childminder or family- not expect her to change her plans.

Testerical · 11/09/2025 18:20

Who moved away and why isn’t he doing 50/50? Shift work isn’t an excuse. It’s not up to the mum to make all the career related sacrifices.

Soontobe60 · 11/09/2025 18:20

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:19

He had to move in with my mum, if he lived closer he wouldn’t be able to pay probably any CMS or have them overnight it costs about £1200 for a 1 bed flat

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Maybe his mum can help out then if he’s living in her house?

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:20

Doneit14 · 11/09/2025 18:18

your brother?

or your new boyfriend?

id never date a police officer hahha

OP posts:
Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:20

Mrsttcno1 · 11/09/2025 18:19

Tell him welcome to being a parent😂 he has them 2 nights a week OP he’s not in the running for dad of the year

He has them every weekend a night in the week and monday night

OP posts:
Childanddogmama · 11/09/2025 18:19

Perhaps some mediation would improve the situation.

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:19

Teachingagain · 11/09/2025 18:18

Who moved an hour away?

He had to move in with my mum, if he lived closer he wouldn’t be able to pay probably any CMS or have them overnight it costs about £1200 for a 1 bed flat

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 11/09/2025 18:19

Tell him welcome to being a parent😂 he has them 2 nights a week OP he’s not in the running for dad of the year

Tigerthatcameforbrunch · 11/09/2025 18:19

Does she work?

Doneit14 · 11/09/2025 18:18

your brother?

or your new boyfriend?

Teachingagain · 11/09/2025 18:18

Who moved an hour away?

Doneit14 · 11/09/2025 18:18

Butt out

Your brother needs to Parent up and stop bitching to his sister

Soontobe60 · 11/09/2025 18:18

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:17

Its rush hour he has to leave before that

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He could always move closer then. Did he move away from them or did his ex move?

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:17

Soontobe60 · 11/09/2025 18:16

If the DD has to be at school by, say, 8.45 and he lives an hour away, he needs to leave home at 7.45 so why he’s getting up at 5.45 I don’t know!

Its rush hour he has to leave before that

OP posts:
Childanddogmama · 11/09/2025 18:17

The cms payments are a bare minimum, if he can afford more and wants to pay it then why not?
They are sharing time with the children so seems reasonable.
But the early wake up for the toddler isn't great, surely there is an alternative to this?

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