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Original poster

Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

157 replies

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:09

So my brothers ex, who they share a baby and 4 year old with - is really getting him down.

he works really long shifts at the police, she has his work schedule from when they were together & so he has them every single day that hes not working, about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.

anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

he pays £500 a month, £200 over what CMS say.
and also pays for them, clothes and activities etc of course when he has them

he lives an hour away, but hes very devoted, he comes frequently at random to collect 4 year old from school etc. he recently said that the monday morning 5:45 wake up to get ready for school on time with the commute is impacting 4 year old, and he was met with being shamed, saying ‘oh so you have a Sunday night alone’ etc

its really getting him down, and absolutely nothing is good enough, no money is enough etc

what really can he do, or whats the best way to sort this mess out?

OP posts:
GreenFrogYellow · 11/09/2025 18:45

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:45

He cant pay for a babysitter, its abit more complicated than that he lives in my mums spare room!

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That’s not his exs problem is it

Mandylovescandy · 11/09/2025 18:45

Does he pay half of nursery?

Justgoodforthegetting · 11/09/2025 18:45

I’m a police officer OP, and your brother absolutely could make changes to his work schedule, if working nights means he is unable to see his children then he would 100% be able to request to alter his shifts, and they would allow it.

I definitely think he needs to figure out a way to move closer to where the kids live though, that sort of commute isn’t really practical for any of them.

I would probably also suggest mediation might be a good idea if they’re finding it difficult to communicate with each other.

when you say she wants him to get a different job, I presume she means she wants him to request a different role within the police that might allow for more overnights?

for what it’s worth, my ex (also a police officer) also loves to go about the raw deal he gets as he has our DC most of his days off, but that’s because I’ve made HUGE changes to my shift pattern to allow me to do as much as I can for DC whilst still working more or less full time, I barely ever need to ask anyone for help because I’ve changed my schedule so much, ex has no intention of doing the same and refuses to even talk about it, so the upshot is that he won’t change his schedule at all which means the only time he really ever can have DC is his days off. Not at clear cut as it might first appear.

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:45

GreenFrogYellow · 11/09/2025 18:32

Right so he can pay for a babysitter?

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He cant pay for a babysitter, its abit more complicated than that he lives in my mums spare room!

OP posts:
Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:44

Wingingit11 · 11/09/2025 18:39

It’s really not ….🫠

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But hes doing what he can, he can’t physically have them more than he has them? That would be child neglect as nobody would be there to care for them? Shes angry about things that basically hes not willing to change a career, whereby he does have his kids in the week and weekends, will have security through progression, be able to afford to pay higher CMS and even higher in the next few years, have a solid pension & get on the property ladder and offer security for his children, thats how he sees it.

shes been on the same minimum wage job since she was 18, and he is ultimately staying in this line of work, to be able to provide and I agree with him on that? Thats not me saying her job is rubbish but its not enough to provide for them in the long run, my job is similar and I rely on my partners job security as the main basis of my childrens financial security

OP posts:
FullLondonEye · 11/09/2025 18:44

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:39

This is the issue though, she wants him to do that, like when hes working nights etc BUT he has no support, neither do I.

I mean not a soul

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Maybe you and he should spend more time supporting each other then instead of moaning about his ex? His inability ot organise his life shouldn't be her problem. He's just lucky she doesn't insist on 50/50 - and if he really thinks two nights per week makes him an exceptionally good father then he really needs to take a long, hard look at himself.

friskery · 11/09/2025 18:43

Sounds like he's lucky that his ex is providing childcare to cover his shifts?

Most parents have their children whenever they're not working, I do.

If I want time off from them I ask my mum to have them or I pay a babysitter, can't he do that?

FriedFalafels · 11/09/2025 18:41

It sounds like she’s already been quite flexible by working around his shift pattern and he’s doing less than 50% of the week. He needs to lean into his own support network (family or friends) or use childcare.

What did his employer say when he tried to put a flexible working request in at work?

Tigerthatcameforbrunch · 11/09/2025 18:41

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:39

This is the issue though, she wants him to do that, like when hes working nights etc BUT he has no support, neither do I.

I mean not a soul

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Then he pays for care. It isn't (or shouldn't be) her problem to sort out. He's a grown adult, his poor ex shouldnt be having to change plans to accommodate his career.

FullLondonEye · 11/09/2025 18:40

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:22

He literally cant have them when hes working, he does night shifts etc, hes worked 10 years to build a career

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Right, and how is he facilitating her career exactly? It sounds like she manages to organise herself around whatever her work needs are, despite having to adapt to his shift changes every month. Why shouldn't he do the same?

Wingingit11 · 11/09/2025 18:39

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:38

Everyone we know sees their kids every other weekend, in hes eyes he is

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It’s really not ….🫠

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:39

Tigerthatcameforbrunch · 11/09/2025 18:36

What her mum is doing is none of your business. It's not her mum's job to help your brother out. This is additional support she has arranged when she needs it. If your brother needs support HE needs to sort it out

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This is the issue though, she wants him to do that, like when hes working nights etc BUT he has no support, neither do I.

I mean not a soul

OP posts:
Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:38

Mrsttcno1 · 11/09/2025 18:19

Tell him welcome to being a parent😂 he has them 2 nights a week OP he’s not in the running for dad of the year

Everyone we know sees their kids every other weekend, in hes eyes he is

OP posts:
Tigerthatcameforbrunch · 11/09/2025 18:36

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:33

Im slightly confused by them to, they are effectively 40:50, as her mum does have ALOT overnight and in the days, she gets significantly more time, its the hard time he gets, the shame for wanting 1 day off a month, to sort his own shit out etc.

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What her mum is doing is none of your business. It's not her mum's job to help your brother out. This is additional support she has arranged when she needs it. If your brother needs support HE needs to sort it out

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:35

walkingismedicine · 11/09/2025 18:30

Surely if he wants a day off, he just books a day off work?

He uses holiday days to help with the kids, he does work alot - so he will use them for holidays etc like everyone else does

OP posts:
Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:33

user7638490 · 11/09/2025 18:31

I can’t believe some of these responses. It must be hard for her to navigate shifts, but he is also allowed to have a night off, especially as it sounds as though she has a lot of free time.

Im slightly confused by them to, they are effectively 40:50, as her mum does have ALOT overnight and in the days, she gets significantly more time, its the hard time he gets, the shame for wanting 1 day off a month, to sort his own shit out etc.

OP posts:
Tigerthatcameforbrunch · 11/09/2025 18:33

13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:25

Yeah i agree, I have kids the same age & sometimes Im like god shutup and crack on like we all have to etc, hes not complaining about seeing them, the issue is that if he says he is working one day and cant have them, pre arranged with her, she will still ask him the day before, and then kick off about it, but this has happened only on two occasions where he has to go to court for work

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2 occasions where he should be sorting care out himself, not still relying on her. She's no longer his partner, it's no longer up to her to put herself out to support him in his career. If he needs to work or change days he needs to sort it out, it's not up to her to pick up the pieces of his life.

GreenFrogYellow · 11/09/2025 18:32

user7638490 · 11/09/2025 18:31

I can’t believe some of these responses. It must be hard for her to navigate shifts, but he is also allowed to have a night off, especially as it sounds as though she has a lot of free time.

Right so he can pay for a babysitter?

rwalker · 11/09/2025 18:32

He needs to have fixed days apply for flexible working from the police
reduce CMS to what it’s calculated and pay for childcare if he needs

user7638490 · 11/09/2025 18:31

I can’t believe some of these responses. It must be hard for her to navigate shifts, but he is also allowed to have a night off, especially as it sounds as though she has a lot of free time.

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:31

Mrsttcno1 · 11/09/2025 18:23

Do you think no other parent has a career OP?😂 he will have to do what every other parent does and pay for childcare to cover his working days.

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I can only speak of my circumstances in which, my other half has a career i have an entry level admin job, she has the same part time - my other hald get paid triple what I do, ultimately my job is childs play

i hate it

OP posts:
walkingismedicine · 11/09/2025 18:30

Surely if he wants a day off, he just books a day off work?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 11/09/2025 18:28

I think if the genders were reversed answers might be different. It sounds like he is having them 50-50 if it's every weekend + Monday + another night in the week - that's not two nights a week that's four. I would absolutely ask for family help though rather than wanting the ex to have her because it'll give her reason to say he's not prioritising the child.

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 11/09/2025 18:27

Coconutter24 · 11/09/2025 18:24

about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.
anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

So they have an arrangement in place which works around work schedules, which you say is fine. If he needs a break then he needs to be asking you, family or friends for childcare the same way the ex asks her mum when she needs help

Yeah see I think this is the issue, because hes shifts change, every month, it causes issues with what she wants etc, and what works for her and the kids & im constantly seething about how I get no help, neither of us do (same family 😂) i dont agree with him about him paying too much money, like you live with our mum just pay it

OP posts:
Doneit14 · 11/09/2025 18:26

Focus on your own, extensive, shit Op
and leave your brother to deal with his

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