Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

I'm curious what wage he is on after 10 years tbh, will admit im not totally familiar with the grades but I know two people who have been with the police slightly more/less than that time and they are both on 35-40k depending on night shifts. Maybe it's just the departments they are in. Has he looked at getting a cheaper car lease?

So if he has them 4 nights a week, why is he paying her £500 a week? That's more than 50%, hes the primary parent??

You only see your kids every other weekend?

I’m starting to think this is a reverse as you’re turning on your brother pretty quick.

It doesn't matter how she makes it work. She does make it work is the point and he has a responsibility to do the same. He cannot blame her for his awkward work hours, for his lack of family support or the fact that he has to pay to support his kids. It's not her fault or her duty to fix any of that.

Is their current custody split court mandated or is it what they've agreed between them?

What job does she have which is only within school/nursery time and allows for her to travel to them?

If he wants a night off he'll have to ask his mum or book a baby sitter. The ex uses her options too. Why should the ex have them longer so he can have a night off. This is what parenthood is about.

I am slightly confused by the post as I can’t work out if he has 50/50 with her mum helping one day a week or only 2 nights.

regardless it isn’t her job anymore to work around his personal life or career. They are separated so their only obligation is to the children.

I (female for what’s it’s worth) worked full time in an unsociable job which meant I was either working or looking after DC and meant I saw no break for months on end. My ex worked 9-5, full time and we shared 50/50.
The fact his job fit around nursery and then school giving him free nights/weekend off was not his problem for the fact I had no time.

likewise, when I changed jobs 18 months later (from a job with greats prospects and that I loved to a plateau type )he started a pattern of trying to drop responsibilities when it didn’t quite suit him. For instance, he would have to work late in an evening and would message me the day before to tell me he couldn’t have DC. I never gave in (and kicked off) as I was no longer responsible for his lack of options. As the saying goes, ‘your inability to plan does not constitute an emergency on my part’.

he would also use the excuse I had help from my mum…but as my mum pointed out she is helping me, no obligation to help my ex.

sounds like she is already being reasonable working around his shifts. This must making planning her own life a nightmare.

i say this as 10 years post separation. Eventually each person needs to move on and do the best for their children and themselves. There is no obligation to help each other move on.

He would have to do what I did if he values a break…ask for help, pay for childcare of change his shifts/career.

ultimately, as others have said trying to work together in the long run is beneficial(maybe via mediation) We now have a relationship where we do swap and accommodate to help each other, but if we can’t then there is no issue and still no obligation.
no one takes the piss and the agreement works both ways

I'd suggest mediation where they can look at whats best for the children rather than them being ferried about to make a point. He needs to actively do things to improve the situation either saving for his own place, requesting flexible working etc he has a pretty good reason when it involves parenting children. Most people I know who work shifts rely on other family to help so if he doesn't have that he should really look at changing hours

he can’t physically have them more than he has them? That would be child neglect as nobody would be there to care for them?

Nobody would be there to care for them when she is at work either, but she has sorted out childcare so she can work. Maybe he needs to do that on his days...

4 nights a week it sounds like.

She should be the one paying maintenance if that’s the case.

This 100%. He can't expect her to pick up days he can't do - they're separated. If he was a single parent he'd need to make it work, that's how he needs to act.

He is the unreasonable one here imo

Expecting to just have the children according to his shifts instead of on a fixed schedule makes it very difficult for her to make plans. It also means she has to pay for childcare that she doesn’t necessarily use just to guarantee it is available.

he also doesn’t live close enough to do the school runs.

this situation is not sustainable.

there are countless parents with demanding jobs who figure out a way to manage their parenting responsibilities. Women always seem to make it happen. Just because he is a man doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of doing this.

he needs to move closer and if he wants to keep the flexibility, he could pay for his share of the childcare which would go a long way to making that system work better.

Why don't you and your brother do a childcare swap to give each other some childfree time?

Am I being daft or is it not four nights? Every weekend, a night in the week and Monday night? I have had a long day and am a bit hard of thinking so could be missing something here......

The difficulty here is that he expects her to accommodate his shifts, rather than looking for other childcare. Essentially, he's treating her as 'default parent'.

Why did they split up?

Sounds like you have your own thread @Gingernessy just screaming to get out 😆

I'd delete this thread OP your brother will be deemed the lowest scum there is.
Be ready for mantra mumsnet.
"Mums are fab and dad's are shit"
And they brook no argument 🤦‍♀️

Also what happens to her in 18 years, when she's still earning pitance because she's put her career on hold and the child maintenance stops. She needs to stop prioritising him and start looking after her

It's definitely his mum's problem though 😂

What an absolute prince!!

Well yes, she will be stuck in that position - a career is a common sacrifice when you decide to have children but you seem to think only she should have to make that sacrifice. What decade do we live in where a woman's place is to look after the kids and a man doesn't have to do his share? I thought we knew better now.

What if something were to happen to her and he had to have the kids more or even full time? He'd have to make it work then somehow. Essentially this is the same. They are not together anymore, she is no longer obliged to facilitate his career or anything else in his personal life. As the father of the children, if you make them you should be prepared to do your share, which strictly is half. He's getting off lightly here. If he doesn't like that then he should have used protection.

Sounds like mum needs to start being a proper parent too - instead of protecting her child free time. Sounds like dad ieither has the kids or is at work and mum has days when she's not working or having the kids. That's unfair