Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

There are many jobs where you can't just 'book a day off'!

If he doesn't like it, the solution would be to go to court and try to get an order for what he does want.

Then he's got some back up if she wants to change things on him.

But in order to get some ad hoc free days for himself, he'd have to see the kids less. As far as I can see, if she isn't willing to compromise with him, then those are the options left - live with it as it is, or go to court to get a different arrangement, accepting that that will mean he sees the kids less.

No love. You’re the one who sounds unhinged I’m afraid. Imagine trying to start a fight with a stranger on the internet 🤣🤣🤣 fucking hell you must be bored

I was in a very similar position in that my ex had the same kind of job (not police exactly but similar public sector) non-negotiable shifts, annual leave could only be approved if minimum staffing levels were maintained, working weekends and all public holidays, anti social hours, shift start and finish times outside childcare hours, couldn't even easily contact as it was a phone free workplace.
Is I knew this when we were together and for me to expect suddenly options to become available to him when we split that weren't there when we were together was unrealistic. Yes I suppose he could have changed jobs but it would have undermined the financial security he needed to provide a home for himself, support our child etc and that also wasn't in the best interests of anyone.

Realistically if your brothers ex can't change her mindset and he can't change his job they are just setting themselves up for conflict and frustration. I definitely opted for an amicable co-parenting relationship and acceptance of the situation rather than battles that no one could win, even if it did mean I was assumed to be the default parent.

You sound quite unhinged, dear
Imagine getting that het up over something that’s not actually happening in your life 🤣🤣

Yeah I’m fine thanks. Shame the same can’t be said for you

It is true that she is being unreasonable. However, it sounds like he is the one putting his children's needs first, and she is not. There will be consequences to this in the long run.
Any attempt to fights her to make her agree a more equitable arrangement will be spun negatively in a way as to hurt the children though, telling them that neither parent really wants them. So that is not the fight to have. His children need to know that he loves them to bits and treasures every minute with them. If he needs to ask for some flexibility from work or some support from his side of the family or to buy in a small amount of paid childcare just so that he can have some headspace, that is ok. However, he doesn't need to be doing active fun things with the kids whenever they are with him, having kids around whenever you are off work including when you are trying to relax and recover from a difficult day at work is a perfectly normal part of life as a parent.

Are you alright love? Is it all getting a bit too much for you?

If he is the main carer, having a court-approved parenting arrangement would make sense.
Being made to feel guilty on top of carrying the main parenting role is a huge emotional burden.

How depressing if that’s your attitude. So just because you raised your own kids that’s it? Wash your hands of them? You want help? Fuck off I’ve done my time I’m not having your kids for you.
Parenting doesn’t stop just because they are adults. Even just helping out another human, it doesn’t need to be offspring, it’s nice to help other people. Personally I would want to look after my grandkids, maybe not every week but as a one off so they could get a break sure. Just as I would help a friend. It’s nice to be nice. I just don’t understand this selfish attitude of I’ve raised my kids so I’m never helping anyone out ever again. It’s gross

She's on min wage but is affording rent, he's been in the police 10 years and can't afford any whatsoever? I call bullshit, he could afford it but it would reduce his lifestyle and he doesn't want to. If he's no rent to pay and paying cms of 500, where's the rest of his wage going?

Most people who work are either working or with their children. That's parenthood. I've got DH with me but often one parent has to take one dc to a party while the other has the other etc. I don't get random days where I'm just off work but don't have kids to deal with. Like ever. That's normal?

I think he is just not realistic. He needs to plan in his own support, whether that's paying for babysitters, or asking his mum to sit for him.

Oh yes, of course every parent dreams of becoming a Nanny with a fanny when they’ve already been a mother and raised their own children 🙄

Your brother getting overwhelmed and possibly worse by this isn't going to help anyone. Shift work is hard and him going from living a family unit to being back with his mother is also a pill to swallow.

I don't know the solution but he needs to have some breathing space especially to decompress after work which I'm guessing might include some horrible things.

The first thing I would do is map out the whole week, work, commute, childcare and see what time he has left so looking quite logically.

Is having a babysitter whilst they are with him feasible so he can maybe do a couple of hours in the gym or something (not excessive like the whole day)

At the end of the day he needs to say I'm burning out and I need to take a step back so this is what I propose. Obviously if the times he has children enables his ex to work this needs to be planned more carefully.
Waking a 4yr old up at 5.45 is not good - perhaps he can take the additional he pays over maintenance and pay for a premier inn closer to school on those days?

I hope they learn to co parent

Your right there. Poor kids seem like a inconvenience to the mother, wouldnt it be best the dad takes them full time & she has them
part time on the weekends? He could put them in nursery/school by him so there not doing 1 hour car journeys a few times a week. Poor kids.

Drop them off on the sunday evening, so the poor children arent doing a hours jounery in rush hour to nursery/school. simple. Also pay what CMS says and not over, hes paying to much with how much he has them.
he’s entitled to a day off every now & then yanbu.

Could you help him when he needs a day off and childmind @13MAPARTHELL . Or uiur mother for a few hours?

When they are sick, does she tell school and nursery “I can’t physically have them as I am working”? Does she tell him he has to sort it?
I suspect not and she sorts it either by asking her mum or by taking leave.

You are focusing too much on her “free time” which is irrelevant. She has arranged that with her mother - not with the other parent. If he wants free time, he has to arrange that with someone else. If there isn’t anyone else, he has to pay someone. If he can’t, then that’s the way it is I am afraid.

Are you joking? Every other weekend is shit parenting. Two nights a week is shit parenting. Relying on females (mum, maternal grandparent) to pick up the slack is shit parenting and shameful. Please, buy yourself a pack of Fair Play cards and read the book Wifework. You could also buy one for all the feckless knuckle-draggers in your lives, but make sure to deduct it from the child support, with interest.

No one does. Even their own mother

Why, because she has two X chromosomes? He’s their father and he doesn’t seem keen to look after them.

He can put in a per50 request in work and get more child friendly hours. Doesn’t matter if he worked for a few years to get this job, he’s a parent now. Plenty of women have to make sacrifices in their careers when they become parents.

So he has built a 10 year career as a police officer so he can be a provider but also can't afford a flat and has to live with his mum?

He has no family help but also lives with his mum and is so close to his sister she knows the exact domestic schedule of his ex AND ex's mother despite living an hour away?

And his ex only has had the same minimum wage job since she was 18 but she also works full time from home in one of those many long term minimum wage jobs that can be done full time from home?

And they share custody 40:50 (????) but he has them two nights a week?

I hope his job isn't to take down statements accurately.

It is very easy to fathom why they split up.

he has got his job which must come first, and she was clearly supposed to bow down to him and his billy big balls job whilst doing all the unpaid labour. (Like you in your family)

thing is op, they’ve split up. She doesn’t have to do that any more. She must be doing the happy dance.

she has a job around their school/nursery hours, like many many women have. He is also welcome to get such a job.

except he doesn’t want to. He’s choosing to keep his job which is wholly incompatible with having young children.

but what neither of you seem to get is she doesn’t have to pick up for him any more.

all of the reasons you point out that ge wants to keep his job are for him and him alone. A pension, a house. Fine choices, but again, she doesn’t benefit out of them so doesn’t have to facilitate it.

theres a saying that when 2 people split for one party life becomes easier, and the other harder- and the latter party were the ones very clearly not pulling their weight in the relationship shop prior to the split. It’s actually a fairly good indicator.

Help each other…

So a baby in child care so she can work that she pays for is her time and her "having them" same with a 4 year old in school that she has to get there and collect.
I'm afraid that you're showing your true bias here.
Also if he lives with your mum why can't she keep an ear out/eye on them overnight when they're sleeping and hes at work?
Also if he had to pay rent she wouldn't get no cms as theyd just take it from his wages and charge him extra for the pleasure she just wouldn't get the extra.
What we seem to have here is a dad who cant be arsed to prioritise his children because he wants,
Free time
Career advancement
A bought house
A medal for doing little more than the bare minimum
Yet expects their mum to arrange and pay for all childcare around his ever changing shifts and random off shift court days whilst working herself doing 90+% of school/childcare drop-offs/pickups and medical, dental appointments and you think she's being unfair by saying he needs to step up and be a parent and stop messing her and the kids about. Whilst you try to claim he has them more and she doesn't seem to want them, did you ever think that she might want to have them more but can't because she has to work to pay the childcare bills because he works irregular shifts?