Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

Is she not working? You say he has them every day he isn't working. Is she also working when she doesn't have the kids?

All the time the kids are at their dad's.

Oh dear
Are you OK?

He has them 2 nights per week she has them 5 nights the op is being very disingenuous by claiming that he has them more than her because they go to school/childcare on mum's time whilst she works, unless of course their sick it's a bank holiday or any other reason someone needs to take time off or when dads work calls.him in on his time.
Dad is not anything near primary carer

*It’s NOT normal for school….

If her working hours are covered by school and nursery that’s only because she has limited the jobs she considered to fit in to those times, it’s normal for school especially to cover all of someone’s working hours unless they have made that job fit. Your brother has developed a career that isn’t child friendly and is expecting his ex to work around it rather than sacrificing to fit as she has to.

Poor DC is my thought.

Parenting is hard, it can be relentless, my DC are older now but they were younger whenever I wasn't work I also looked after them.
It sounds like a fair split tbh, and if he can afford to pay more than the bare minimum to support his children he should.
He does sound like an involved dad, if I was DCs mum I would have them back Sunday evening as its not fair on DC to get them up at 5.45,but I'm not really clear why they need to get up that early?
Get as much as possible organised the night before, 45min from getting up to leaving the house an hour or so before school start time, so should be able to get up 6.45ish.
Is it feasible to move closer to DC? Why does he now live an hour away, seems to suggest one parent has moved.
Could you support your brother more with childcare like his wife's family do?
It is hard working and looking after children but that's life.
It's a shame him and his ex don't have a kinder more cooperative coparenting relationship, does she ever ask for day swaps, does he facilitate this if so? Was the issue of Sunday night / Monday morning not spotted when they made decided who would have the DC when? Did your brother ask for this?
Sounds like there might be a back story.

So her Mum helps her on her time sometimes? Can your Mum/ parents help him out at all? Can you?

I think what the two of them need is a clear childcare schedule - there are quite of “about”s on your OP which suggests there’s a bit of chopping and changing going on, which isn’t good for anyone.

Sunday nights to oneself are absolute gold before the working week, so I can see why that’s a bone of contention. My exh ducked out of Sunday nights very quickly after our split. So I can see her point.

Edit - But also I’d say, stay out of it unless you are simply offering help.

None of your business, OP. Keep out of it.

You were rude and you are continuing to be rude and to attack me personally which will get you banned on this site.

While I sympathise that shift working makes things more difficult, are you sure that the police doesn’t offer any flexibility to parents? It may limit his promotion opportunities but I bet that many women officers ask and have some sort of flexible or predictable working pattern allowed.

He’s a parent of young children- it’s normal to be at work or have the kids. A day off is a fantasy for many - can your mum look after the kids to help him get a few hours?

It sounds like the ex is trying to get him to pull his weight in an unreasonable way (shaming) but in 2025 many men have 50% custody which is obviously ideal for the kids. The money not spent on CMS would go to other costs like wrap around or living closer to the school. (I definitely feel sorry for the kids having to get up so early on Monday)

He could go down the deadbeat route of reducing his time with the kids so he has more free time but he’ll pay the price later.

Btw CMS is a legal minimum. Many NRP pay CMS plus extras like half of uniform/school dinners/school trips , a phone contract, pocket money or an extra curricular to benefit their child.

Being a parent doesn’t stop just because you split with your partner. Why shouldn’t he be responsible for them 50% of the time?

If he wants time to himself whilst it’s his custody time he should sort childcare not expect to just tell their mum he wants a day off so she should drop everything and have them.

You say he lives an hour away from them, who moved away from who after the split?

This doesn’t tend to always be the problem.

Women fits in her work around the shared children.

Man just works his work. Because wife will be default pick up the slack parent.

Couple split. Man expects no change to his work or lifestyle. Gets mad women won’t just keep fitting in everything around his schedule.

Both parents need jobs that work around having their children or to provide their own childcare. She’s not his wife anymore it’s not her job to make sure she flexes to his work schedule. That’s partner perks.

Now whether she’s a pain in the arse or not get lots of childcare via her mum is irrelevant really. Him having his children for upto 50% to do equal parenting means he needs to sort his own shit. Would also mean no maintenance.

How would he suddenly cope if she decided she wanted to be a EOW parent. He would have to change his work.

I think that the best way of seeing what is fair, is by working out whether he would be happy to switch places with the ex. Would he have a better or worse deal?

So, imagine that the ex moved an hour in the other direction and took up shift work. She offered to have the kids every other weekend, Monday night plus one other week night to fit round her schedule. She used her 4 week’s holiday to look after the kids, but wasn’t willing to split the kids holiday 50/50. She gave him £600 a month but he would have to move out your mums and into a 2/3 bed house to house them and pay for any childcare he needs to work.

Would life be easier or harder for your brother? Would it be easier or harder to have a career? More or less free time? More or less money?

If the answer is that life would be harder your brother should stop moaning and trying to cancel his parenting days, and be more supportive of his ex.

Yeah it would be great for them to live in one bedroom with their father coming and going at all hours.

He obviously needs to change his job or go part time, like any other single parent would have to do.

Forgot to add:

The times and nights that each parent has the DC should be set in stone, i.e. absolutely fixed, not chopped and changed and swapped around to suit one parent.
This is so the children and the ex both know where they stand and know what to expect - especially important as they get a bit older and need a stable routine.
The ex should be able to plan her life knowing when she does and doesn't have the DC.

Changeable shift patterns are just not a suitable job for a separated parent.

His car costs are not really her problem. Who needs a car costing £300/month when you cant afford to house your children.
Would petrol really cost £200/month if he was living closer to kids/school?

These situations are difficult for everyone. But why is his career the priority? Hers is rubbish, yes, but what chance has she got of bettering it if shes having to work around his shifts and he picks and chooses when he has the kids.

You say he has no support, but you're in here fighting his battles and your Mum is housing him. Would neither of you babysit occasionally for a night out? If so then there's an easy solution - he doesn't go out.

CMS can also reduce to the level specified, especially if he needs the extra money for childcare on his days.

He's not on minimum wage is he?
Hes used to his ex being the one to make sacrifices, but she doesn't have to continue to do that for him now they're not together.

This is where you and he are wrong in your thinking.

Men who see their children every other weekend are shit parents.

The default starting position is 50/50 - so your brother should be having his children 7 nights in every fortnight, i.e. 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next week, plus fortnightly 7 mornings before school/nursery, 7 afternoons and evenings after school/nursery, and one full day every weekend.

He should change his job to make this happen - either change his contract with his current employer, or change jobs.
He should also move back to be near where the children live and if necessary claim Universal Credit.
If he has them truly 50% of the time, then he shouldn't have to pay CMS, or should pay a minimal amount.

If he is not doing his 50%, his ex has every right to be angry with him.

Her arrangements with her mother are not relevant.

OP, I am sympathetic to your brother as I am to any parent whose career and childcare arrangements are not necessarily compatible. But this is where men lose my sympathy completely:

the issue is, he cant have a day, and she constantly texts him saying hes shit for not having his kids more, while he couldn’t physically have them more than he is in his circumstances, he literally cant.

He can. He just won't. Because he won't make that sacrifice. He won't ask for a change in shift pattern - which I GUARANTEE is what female police officers do, all the time. He won't accept a slower career progression. No, his career comes first and someone else (a woman - in this case his ex) must just step up and sort it around him.

It makes me incredibly angry.

Yes, it's SHIT when you have to take the hit becuase you have children. But it is what it is and it's what many many women do all the time. Men just seem to think it's optional while women know it's not.

And this is the point isn’t it? Everybody is supposed to run around wiping the jacksy of the very important big man.

Including his mother, apparently 🙄

She has been minding the children all this time while he's been building his career. Does she have a career?

go back and read your comment.
You were rude. You were Personal and more to the point.
And here you are getting yourself in a right old tiss It’s hilarious

Also - she's sacrificed having a career with better prospects, for work that means she is at work while DC are at school.