To tell my sister she can't stay over

Regardless of your sister and parents, start to think what you are teaching your children?

You're teaching them that if you act up, everyone does what you want, that if youre a bitch, you get your own way - and on the flip side youre teaching them that if someone acts up - they all have to pander to them. Break your cycle, don't teach your children to become you. Teach them the right way.

Teach them - Dont be a dick, and don't out up with people who are dicks!

She is controlling all of you with her threat of volatility. That’s why you are all tap dancing around her and she gets to impose, dominate dictate.

You could pre empt all of this and tell your DPs beforehand so that they are forwarded before she goes bleating to them.

You need to look at her like the weather - she’s a storm cloud - it might burst, it might threaten but might pass by - get your emotional protection ready and weather it for the moment - then just keep calm rinse and repeat once more then walk away and end the call. You have the power here.

As PPs have said your DPs have thrown you under the bus repeatedly by expecting you to tap dance to her tantrums which keeps her away from them.

So what if she ‘kicks off’ - she doesn’t bite - everyone knows what she’s like. Get a plan of boundaries decide what 3 things you will say on repeat and don’t get drawn any further. Get on with it.

Just say no and do not feel guilty about it at all

its your home

@AbzMoz You are a grown up - your parents, family, whatever can’t force you to do what you don’t want to in your home that you pay for.

@LoudRedSnail this. I don't say it glibly because I've had to lay it on the line a few times about whose home it was and how little say they had. It came down to this: accept my autonomy and that of my household or you and I will have a very big problem. It didn't work straight away, but work it eventually did.

I have been through something fairly similar very recently. Honestly, once you've thought about opening the can of worms, you really need to do it. How she reacts isn't your issue. Be strong, if you have a terrible relationship anyway, it's really no great loss, and you'll feel much better for it. As sad as it is, your parent will just have to deal with it.

No you won't.
Tell her over the phone then block her.

Do your parents get upset that your sister never contacts you or responds to your calls?

Is she the golden child?

I would lay it on thick with your parents and say you find her behaviour really upsetting.

No offence to your parents, but yeah, some people do get "upset" when they're used to someone else absorbing most of the impact of someone else's crappy behaviour so they don't have to, and then that changes. She probably WILL channel more of her attempts at manipulation through them, once she realizes you're not playing the "appease Dsis at all costs" game any more. There probably will be some "please give her what she wants so we don't have to listen to her telling us to tell you". But if you stand firm, you can stop it. If they're confused, explain it to them - once. "She's a pain when she stays, so she can't stay. I won't be discussing it again". Then don't. As with her tantrums, once might do it but probably it'll take a few goes. Then they'll understand there's no point interfering and give up. You do have to be determined, though, when you're changing a dynamic cemented over years or decades. Don't get drawn in. "I'm not going to discuss that - how's the garden?". "I'm not going to discuss that - so did you go to the dentist?". And so on. Whatever the reaction, you're not discussing it. It works if you stick to it; it doesn't if you don't. Be brave.

say you all have impetigo

OP, I mean this kindly: stop setting yourself alight to keep others [fuckers] warm 💐

This is exactly what I’d do 👏

The only way to avoid her upset is she stays with you, and you don’t want that.

I’d stay factual - the last time you stayed was very stressful and I assume you don’t want a repeat. If you’d like to stay at a nearby hotel here are some options .. we look forward to having you round for dinner on this day and let’s go to the abc museum and xyz funfair on that. Maybe you could offer to go halves / chip in on the accom?

Your friend, parents and other guests have no correlation to your sister saying or no. I think it’s a red herring to say she can’t come because of another guests - as what’s the conversation next time?

You are a grown up - your parents, family, whatever can’t force you to do what you don’t want to in your home that you pay for.

You could try telling your parents how stressf it is having your sister as a guest, and that you're just not willing to have her stay again. It's just too much to ask of you all.

Is your brother and bestie coming at the same time? Why not let them stay and just tell her you’ve already promised them the spare room on this occasion

So get into it. Let her rage all she wants, but the conversation ends with "you can't stay with me". Tell her what you've told us about how her behaviour wears you down, so she can't stay with you. The thing about "kaboom" is, nobody can keep it up for all that long.

She's got you trained perfectly to back down because you're scared of her reaction. The only way to change things is to stop being scared of it. If you FEEL scared, fake it 'til you make it. She tantrums, you don't budge. . . and the sky doesn't fall, and the world keeps turning. Once you've done it, you can stop being scared. But you do have to do it.

Then you also tell her that you don't have the energy or time to debate it.
She's not magically entitled to your time, energy or space, no matter how much she kicks off.

Be completely honest with her - we just don't have the space or energy to host you right now sister.
(You do have the space/energy to host other guests, because, well, they're pleasant guests).

‘No sorry’

No need to explain.

Face it head on, tell her why you find her hard work to host, suggest airbnb, let her tantrum all she wants, take no notice. Even if it's upsetting you, don't let it show. She may learn after the first time or it might be the fifth, but the thing about adult tantrums is that if you never react or give in, it stops. And don't get drawn into any discussion of it with your parents (again, if she knows whining to them isn't helping, she'll stop. Or even if she doesn't, they'll eventually know there's no point them telling you). Just stick with a cheery "Oh, I can manage my relationships on my own thanks!" or something like that, and change the subject.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Do something different.

The response should not determine the best course of action. You are being a loving parent to your children and teaching them a lesson not to put up with bad actions by saying no. By showing them that there are limits to family behaviour you may spare them something as an adult because of what they see you do.

Including tantrums not being acceptable.