Page 9 | Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

Sillysandy · 2025-09-11T13:16:27+00:00

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him. I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions. I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst. However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences. It's amazing given how close geographically we are. Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles. To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head. The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious. YABU You're talking out of your ass YANBU The differences are enormous I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

LayerCakeOfStrangers · 14/09/2025 13:42

Whilst all that sounds great I’m always surprised that people speak about Ireland in such fond terms but ignore that absolutely disgraceful way it has treated women, in recent living memory, compared to the UK. Aside from Magdalene laundries being prevelant and not being abolished until the late 90’s, as well as the horrific misogyny around abortion laws only recently repealed, the rate of domestic violence and sexual violence women experience is terrifying.

I haven’t even got started about the pedophile priest scandal which the Irish Catholic Church really is not sorry for and continues to cover up

Not to mention legislation passed in Irish Parliament last year which entitles charged sex offenders to anonymity. So men who have harmed women and children may get away with it - such as Jon Worboys who, if he was Irish today, would still be raping women in his taxi. And it’s a shame this law means the many victims of George Gibney won’t be able to follow his trial unless he’s actually convicted

So it’s really great that you put €100 in a wedding card I guess, but I’d rather stay on this little island than be somewhere that only recently saw me as worthy of having rights to my body, only recently stopped enslavement of promiscuous women, only recently stopped stealing babies and who protect sex offenders before they protect victims. UK isn’t perfect but it’s a damn sight more progressive and safe for women in 2025.

Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 13:32

eggandonion · 14/09/2025 13:21

Being elderly we were the recipients of towel sets and fondue sets. I blame Eddie Hobbes who did a telly programme on how to afford a wedding for the big cash gifts. And Franc for the fabulous wedding industry.
Mil bought us a spin dryer!

Eddie Hobbs is definitely to blame. "Invite as many guests as possible and TELL THEM you want cash"

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Aethelredtheunsteady · 14/09/2025 13:27

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 10:00

No, declining the round is fine. You can give any reason. But accepting the drink but not entering the round is a major fail.

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Again - that’s just standard rounds that you’d find in UK pubs too. Although I’m happy to include friends in my round who I know aren’t really in the position to get one themselves - hate seeing someone nurse a soda water all night when everyone else is having wine (obviously if they don’t want one I’m not going to force it on them!). It doesn’t need to be tit for tat, they’re my friends so even if it doesn’t financially even out over time I’m sure they ‘pay me back’ in other ways.

Libertylawn · 14/09/2025 13:27

elizabethdraper · 11/09/2025 15:56

minumum of €100 is most definitely a thing :-D

Irishs weddings are very different. Usually no kids and if the sesh doesnt go until at least 5am in the residence bar it was a shite wedding

You must under the rule of death place bets on how long the wedding speech lasts or pass the glass everything someone says beautiful

My english SIL is mad for sending thank you cards and annvisary cards if there is an occasion there is a card sent

the whole history part/ 800 years she was unaware of - but doesnt really get the jokes. Especially jokes about the differences between catholics and protestants (protestants but their toaster away and dont live their clothes pegs on the line) IYKUK

That’s made me howl! Spot on!

eggandonion · 14/09/2025 13:21

Being elderly we were the recipients of towel sets and fondue sets. I blame Eddie Hobbes who did a telly programme on how to afford a wedding for the big cash gifts. And Franc for the fabulous wedding industry.
Mil bought us a spin dryer!

PaxAeterna · 14/09/2025 13:15

AppropriateAdult · 14/09/2025 11:19

😁 Ah, they’re a law unto themselves (I have many friends in this demographic!) but at least tend to be well travelled and less tied to tired old stereotypes. The ‘Irish exceptionalism’ being displayed on this thread, and the examples given, all seem very specific to rural communities.

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Many Irish people are well traveled. The Irish travel a lot. The fact that you think that an insular bunch from south county Dublin who are all interconnected and go to a small number of schools and often characterise everyone from outside Dublin as “from the country” are outward looking because they go skiing is bit mind blowing.

There is no exceptionalism (except for the funerals) Having a biscuit with your tea is nice, giving 100 euro at weddings is nothing to write home about.

Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 12:44

AppropriateAdult · 14/09/2025 12:37

No, of course it doesn’t, I was unfairly generalising a bit. But the specific examples that were being touted here as being an ‘Irish thing’ - I’m thinking mainly about enormous weddings where people are expected to ‘cover their plate’ and anyone who doesn’t is talked about afterwards - are something that I’ve only ever seen outside Dublin, and even then I think it’s a tradition that is (thankfully) dying out.

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The expression 'cover your plate' isn't used really in my Dublin circles but giving money does still seem to be standard.

I had a big birthday party a couple of years back and some of my rural relative gave me cash or sent via revolut. I was very surprised.

Somebody mentioned up thread about the shoving notes into children's hands. I had completely forgotten about that until a few years ago I took DC to meet some older relatives on my estranged parent's side. Everyone of them thrust 20 or even 50 euro notes at DC. I was horrified! These people are all on their pensions. Then my (same age as me) cousin did the same and I wanted the ground to swallow me up; their DC were also present and I had no cash on me.

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AppropriateAdult · 14/09/2025 12:37

Scentofgeranium · 14/09/2025 12:05

Excuse me!😅

As we’re speaking of stereotypes, some posters on this thread seem to have very strange and negative views of those who live rurally. Just because you don’t live in SoCo Dublin that doesn’t make you an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud. Come on!

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No, of course it doesn’t, I was unfairly generalising a bit. But the specific examples that were being touted here as being an ‘Irish thing’ - I’m thinking mainly about enormous weddings where people are expected to ‘cover their plate’ and anyone who doesn’t is talked about afterwards - are something that I’ve only ever seen outside Dublin, and even then I think it’s a tradition that is (thankfully) dying out.

Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 12:35

Abhannmor · 14/09/2025 12:08

Ross O Carroll Kelly ' legend of Leinster schools rugby ' . That's him wrapped isn't it. A small but disproportionately influential milieu even within South Dublin. I know I'm repeating myself but this is about money , not class in the English sense of that word. Our native middle class is still in its infancy really. Of course he's a snob and despises the ' boggers'. Where would you locate Ross in the English class system , with his bizarre Valley Girl mash up of an accent ?

I totally agree the 'class' thing in Ireland is different. It is money. You can move 'class' in one generation if you go to a fee paying and have wealthy parents. It doesn't matter if your grandparents were farmers (as mine were).

I hope I explained that correctly.

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Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 12:32

Scentofgeranium · 14/09/2025 12:05

Excuse me!😅

As we’re speaking of stereotypes, some posters on this thread seem to have very strange and negative views of those who live rurally. Just because you don’t live in SoCo Dublin that doesn’t make you an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud. Come on!

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Yes. Ignorant, obnoxious and small-minded.

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Arran2024 · 14/09/2025 12:19

GentlemenPreferBuzzcuts · 14/09/2025 11:42

I’m an Irish person living in Ireland, having lived abroad for over two decades. I can assure you my sample size is not one.

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I was simply commenting that your example is one, just like mine is. We both have plenty of other examples.

But my understanding is that people no longer need to leave. There are many more opportunities in Ireland these days. Another niece has just moved back with her English partner.

Abhannmor · 14/09/2025 12:08

Ross O Carroll Kelly ' legend of Leinster schools rugby ' . That's him wrapped isn't it. A small but disproportionately influential milieu even within South Dublin. I know I'm repeating myself but this is about money , not class in the English sense of that word. Our native middle class is still in its infancy really. Of course he's a snob and despises the ' boggers'. Where would you locate Ross in the English class system , with his bizarre Valley Girl mash up of an accent ?

Scentofgeranium · 14/09/2025 12:05

AppropriateAdult · 14/09/2025 11:19

😁 Ah, they’re a law unto themselves (I have many friends in this demographic!) but at least tend to be well travelled and less tied to tired old stereotypes. The ‘Irish exceptionalism’ being displayed on this thread, and the examples given, all seem very specific to rural communities.

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Excuse me!😅

As we’re speaking of stereotypes, some posters on this thread seem to have very strange and negative views of those who live rurally. Just because you don’t live in SoCo Dublin that doesn’t make you an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud. Come on!

GentlemenPreferBuzzcuts · 14/09/2025 11:42

Arran2024 · 14/09/2025 11:40

No. I just mentioned one niece and her situation as an example. I can run through all the Irish families i know if you want. None of them have this diaspora you have in your sample of one.

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I’m an Irish person living in Ireland, having lived abroad for over two decades. I can assure you my sample size is not one.

Arran2024 · 14/09/2025 11:40

GentlemenPreferBuzzcuts · 14/09/2025 10:12

So your sample size is one.

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No. I just mentioned one niece and her situation as an example. I can run through all the Irish families i know if you want. None of them have this diaspora you have in your sample of one.

Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 11:31

PaxAeterna · 14/09/2025 10:59

@AppropriateAdult

I would hotly dispute that those of a certain subset in SoCo Dublin are more “outward” looking. Perhaps that mid Atlantic , Americanised accent is giving this impression.

You are completely correct that there more similarities than differences. Differences are fairly subtle.

Same. And I grew up right in the centre of it.

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AppropriateAdult · 14/09/2025 11:19

PaxAeterna · 14/09/2025 10:59

@AppropriateAdult

I would hotly dispute that those of a certain subset in SoCo Dublin are more “outward” looking. Perhaps that mid Atlantic , Americanised accent is giving this impression.

You are completely correct that there more similarities than differences. Differences are fairly subtle.

😁 Ah, they’re a law unto themselves (I have many friends in this demographic!) but at least tend to be well travelled and less tied to tired old stereotypes. The ‘Irish exceptionalism’ being displayed on this thread, and the examples given, all seem very specific to rural communities.

PaxAeterna · 14/09/2025 10:59

@AppropriateAdult

I would hotly dispute that those of a certain subset in SoCo Dublin are more “outward” looking. Perhaps that mid Atlantic , Americanised accent is giving this impression.

You are completely correct that there more similarities than differences. Differences are fairly subtle.

Mrsmunchofmunchington · 14/09/2025 10:35

A lot of this thread is making me wish I lived in Ireland!
This is why I love reading irish fiction.

Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 10:28

AppropriateAdult · 13/09/2025 23:08

100%. As (another) fellow Irish person I find it really cringey, especially the blatant sense of superiority about our supposed generosity and social skills. it smacks of small rural village life, and I was really surprised to hear that the OP lives in South Dublin (which is a microcosm in itself, but usually a more outward-looking one). The attitude to wedding presents and rounds etc is so transactional, it’s embarrassing. And don’t get me started on the “You have to refuse the first offer of a hot drink” nonsense…

I spent several years living in the South West of England after having my first child; I made friends easily and definitely felt there were far more similarities than differences between me and other women my age. Our sense of humour and general outlook on life is very close (you only have to look at that Twitter account Very British Problems, every single thing that’s posted about resonates with me as an Irish person).

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What's the hot drink thing? I said nothing about this.

As for you making friends easily in the UK and supposed superior social skills; you are making the SAME point if you read the posts properly..

South County people by and large are not outward thinking, you are wrong wrong wrong about that. Luckily I have moved around but many of them never look outside their own postcode or neighbouring fee paying school for friends, colleagues or partners.

Of course there are more similarities than differences between Ireland and the uk. How ridiculous. I'm talking about the seeming similarities but subtle differences.

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Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 10:21

powershowerforanhour · 13/09/2025 21:16

class - Irish people really never refer to class at all . It's not really a 'thing'.

Is the Ross O'Carroll-Kelly column still a thing? According to wikipedia there are 24 novels and 4 plays in the series. Somebody must be buying them over the past 30 years.

I personally think they are really funny but we grew up in those schools and circles; his insights are bang on about how ludicrous it all is. I'm surprised though that they got translated and sold so widely, it's such a tiny proportion of society he's describing.

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Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 10:16

Arran2024 · 13/09/2025 19:00

I have relatives in Ireland and in my experience people hang out primarily with family members - and since they come from such big families, they have loads to choose from, as second cousins twice removed or whatever are still considered family.

But I really don't understand your thoughts on rounds. I live in London and it would be social suicide not to get a round in. Imo English people are absolutely sticklers for order - queuing at bus stops and like you say, reporting benefit cheats - and that includes getting rounds in.

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Interesting!

I wonder then is it that we are indirect "what are you having... I'm going up there anyway... Sit down, I'll get it..." And it looks like a gift when the expectation is that you will be bought one back.

I have noticed that the automatic round culture seems to be dying out but I don't know if that's because my peers and I got older and are more careful with our disposable income now we have dependents.

It's quite normal for us to now say "are we doing rounds or getting our own?"

To be fair I'm rarely in the pub these days so I don't know why I even have an opinion on all this!

I've loved the replies, I think they are so interesting especially the pp who described the superficial friendliness of Irish people striking up conversations with strangers.

Also, lots of comparisons with Northern English people where I have NO family members.

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GentlemenPreferBuzzcuts · 14/09/2025 10:12

Arran2024 · 13/09/2025 22:04

My nieces is Irish and she has loads of local relatives. Some moved to England for a while but they all moved back. Her mum for example - she moved here, married my English brother in law, then they moved to Ireland to raise their family. Her sister did the same.

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So your sample size is one.

Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 10:09

staryellow · 13/09/2025 18:40

As a fellow Irish person OP, I find your post stupid, reductive and offensive. Of course there's going to be some differences, we have a very different history. But there's a barely veiled superiority complex in your description of Irish people v English people that is complete bollocks. Also, how dre you generalise on people's views on such a sensitive topic as abortion? Or do you just live in one of those rural socially conservative hamlets where everyone holds the same views and talks about GAA 99% of the time and compete with each other over who has the most expensive bbq / equivalent bullshit because something has to fill the cultural vacuum

You sound nice.

I'm from South county Dublin but I've lived all over the country (and multiple other countries). My DH is British and lots of my family live in the UK. I have cousins and friends who live in the sort of GAA type places you so nastily sneered at.

I've had an abortion and many of my friends have too. However back then we had to leave the country so maybe that coloured our views. It was an extremely painful experience for me. I hope it it now easier.

How bizarre you would refer to my superiority complex and then speak about rural Ireland like that.

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Original poster

Sillysandy · 14/09/2025 10:00

Aethelredtheunsteady · 13/09/2025 18:06

But what if money is an issue for person B but they still want to spend some time chatting with their friends? Where I’m from it would be perfectly acceptable to say ‘money’s a bit tight so I’ll just stick to getting my own thanks’ or ‘I’m on the lime and soda tonight so I’ll get mine separately etc’ and you’d just bypass the rounds. It wouldn’t signify anything about how long you’re planning on staying for.

Same as what happens if you can’t afford 100 euros as a wedding gift (that’s more than I’ve spent on any wedding present ever including close family/friends) - is it best just to rsvp no to avoid the etiquette fail? If so that seems really sad to me.

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No, declining the round is fine. You can give any reason. But accepting the drink but not entering the round is a major fail.

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