Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

I thought you mentioned earlier in the thread (too long to search back for it) that if €100 pp was not forthcoming, the ‘tight English’ relatives would be gossiped about?

I’ll probably go down 50 quid in a card then - less faff than taking a bottle. I just can’t afford anymore unfortunately.

I know you say nobody is forcing you but as a chronic people pleaser (that I’m working on!) I’d hate to be bitched about. Plus I’m already a bit anxious about taking DS as it’ll be the first time flying - I don’t want to go through all the stress only to offend the couple! I want to be culturally respectful but 200 euros (myself plus husband, presume baby isn’t included in the calculation?!) is a bit beyond us financially right now.

I still would go with a card and cash. Give sterling and put in my 50stg for both of you. YOu will be doing extra travelling and all that but IF the couple are doing list counts and trust me it happens do not be fooled my mother is still spitting fire about the fact one of my friends didnt even give a card for her wedding some years back so yes lists are taken by SOME people but the stg will reinforce its from english family and friends and they will understand the extra you had to fork out. I havent seen a gift table at a wedding in years to be honest just a wedding postbox in the room to post your card into.

I guess ‘build it into your budget or don’t go’ just seems so transactional. Surely you invite people to your wedding because you want to see them there? Not because you’re trying to offset the cost?

Thanks to the previous posters for the advice! I have a friend who does gorgeous watercolour cards personalised with sentimental locations, hobbies etc so was going to get one of those done. Hopefully that with a bottle of fizz won’t blot my copybook too much!

Weddings in the UK aren't exactly cheap though, most people I know spent tens of thousands of pounds. There just isn't the same expectation for guests to cover their plates.

I agree it is expensive to travel to a wedding ... it is really lovely to see family who make the effort to attend and stay in hotels etc.
Eddie Hobbes didn't mention that...I wonder if that is on you tube. He was going to save us from ourselves in ripoff ireland...

Yes, I agree with this. I married a Brit and the UK sides gifts were much smaller monetary amounts compared to the Irish (but some of those were crazy and I was embarrassed) but I was well aware the UK side also had to pay for flights and accomodation etc. Something meaningful would be lovely!

Don’t worry too much about it. She knows your English and she’s lived there. I’d go with something more thoughtful or lasting though , if you’re not giving the traditional thing- like a print of the town she used to live in, or something from that place that nods to your shared memories or even nice glasses to go with the champagne.

The vast majority do give cash now, or sometimes vouchers. There has been a change over the years. I went to several weddings about 20-25 years ago where they had gift lists and cash gifts weren’t as ubiquitous as they are now, but that seems to have changed.

But you don’t have to give cash of course. Another gift, that you could buy at a sale price maybe, would be okay if you prefer.
A bottle of champagne would be unusual on its own I think, but I’m sure your friend just wants you there irrespective of gifts.

When people are saying these gifts are standard, they are, it’s the done thing. That doesn’t mean couples getting married are greedy or have no understanding of the financial pressures people face.

Ok - I’m slightly invested in this as I’ve just got a save the date from an Irish colleague who’s since moved home. Is there a non-money option I can give that won’t cause offence/make me out to be the tight english person? Not really sure we can stretch to 200 euros (think somebody said the etiquette was per person?) - my normal wedding gift is a bottle of champagne but concerned that’s not going to cut it! Or is this very much a certain crowd thing? My colleague is absolutely lovely and I’m sure I won’t be the only English person invited so hopefully we can just commit a faux pas en mass…

I reckon there are a load of fifty euro notes that are never spent. They circulate round weddings. There are also bottles of champagne that are regifted when people get engaged.

I was initially going to say this is a that guy thing but thinking about it I guess you do order a lot of drinks generically in the UK?

In most pubs there’s a house white/red so you don’t specify (or you’ll just ask for white and they’ll ask if that’s Pinot or Sauvignon - the two normal options!), spirits tend to be the house spirit unless you specify separately. I don’t drink beer so maybe you can just ask for a larger and they’ll default to the cheapest one?

I get the awkwardness about money (or at least talking about it - I think in the UK it would also be fairly mortifying to point out that it’s somebody else’s turn to pay!). I just don’t get how that then tallies with expecting people to contribute hundreds of euros to wedding gifts and thinking badly of them if they don’t.

I think you just got one guy who doesn’t much care what he drinks!

I remember my parents being completely taken aback when they went to visit English relatives who kindly picked them up at LHR, said ‘You must be dying for a cup of tea’ (my parents had a trek to the nearest airport and had had an early start), but rather than going to a cafe in LHR, they drove out of the airport, stopped at a garage forecourt with a bench and produced a flask of tea and digestives.

I actually like this story as an alternative to my mother’s ingrained horror of not looking hospitable, which has led her to produce three-course meals for people who have specifically told her they have just eaten or can only stay five minutes.

I certainly found modest English weddings that had thirty or fifty people in a room above a pub or a village hall buffet a real treat after the compulsory 200-guest church+and-hotel affairs. Not that all English weddings are modest by any means (I was at one with 250 people in the V and A sculpture gallery), but I liked that there was more variety.

I agree with a lot of your points
Especially covering your plate at a wedding and going out of your way to not be seen as stingy.

Im from the north and funerals are staring to take a bit longer here 4 to 5 days but its due to lack of availability of funeral director services/crematorium/grave diggers.

I also have reached peak middle age as I was the one handing out notes at a family disco this summer.

My query......

This is obviously very minor difference between England and Ireland it niggles me massively and would never happen here.

I was in a busy London pub and a bloke beside me ordered a lager. Just a lager l being unable to hold my nosiness asked why he hasn't ordered a brand and he said lager is lager, noone orders a brand - like I was crazy.

You would NEVER order a lager or an ale or really any type of alcohol without giving specifics in a bar.
(Not giving into drunk Irish stereotypes)

But is this usual? It felt very "Give me a pint of lager Tracey love" to get around branding laws on Eastenders

Yes I know this is a massive burning question.

According to the Ross O'C-K wiki entry, his parents were from more humble beginnings. So that fits. Where would I place him in the English class system? Perhaps akin to the current Princess of Wales. Some of the most upper class inbred types might have been whispering "doors to manual" 20 years ago, but the future King picked her and most of the rest of the country would consider her at least on a level with the likes of Ross and his Rock friends.

'I guess for me the thing this thread has highlighted that I find strange is the focus on how friendly, warm and welcoming the Irish culture is whilst simultaneously judging people for not giving 100s of euros as a wedding gift'

It's come up a few times that the 'friendliness' is often superficial. There's a big emphasis on conformity, doing what's expected, knowing 'the right thing to do' and naturally there's a lot of judgement that goes alongside that way of thinking

I guess for me the thing this thread has highlighted that I find strange is the focus on how friendly, warm and welcoming the Irish culture is whilst simultaneously judging people for not giving 100s of euros as a wedding gift. The two seem quite contradictory to me. Although very thoughtless for your UK relatives to get you vouchers you couldn’t actually spend!

I think you’ve hit a nerve for some on this thread.
I’m Irish, living in Dublin, DH is British & living here over 20 years. I think a lot of your observations are spot on - in particular the wedding stuff.
When we got married my family & friends all went with the customary €100+ pp in an envelope. DH’s family gifts included a £20 Argos (UK) voucher a £30 M&S (UK) voucher & a photo frame from Asda - it’s just a wildly different perspective. In Ireland these would probably not even be considered suitable engagement gifts from close family.
Last year my dad & MIL died. The UK funeral planning was excruciating & we had to wait in limbo for 4 weeks for it to be arranged. Irish funeral done & dusted in 4 days.
My DH & 2 SIL married very young and all 3 ended in divorce. I think it would be unusual in an Irish family for all the siblings to be divorced.
Yes, as a country we’ve got a lot of things wrong (church/laundries etc) but I think overall we are, on a personal level, warm & welcoming people who see nothing wrong in chatting to a stranger.