Page 2 | Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

Sillysandy · 2025-09-11T13:16:27+00:00

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him. I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions. I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst. However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences. It's amazing given how close geographically we are. Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles. To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head. The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious. YABU You're talking out of your ass YANBU The differences are enormous I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

Meandmyguy · 22/09/2025 10:44

I'm Irish, living in Ireland and I was married to a British man.

I'm going through a divorce and I've had 3 abortions.

I lived in the UK for 19 years and we are very different.

Irish people are much more down to earth.

I have lived in Ireland now for 21 years and I much prefer it here.

verybighouseinthecountry · 22/09/2025 10:37

GentlemenPreferBuzzcuts · 22/09/2025 10:23

I don’t think that’s in any way usual, though. I’ve been to more weddings here than I could count, from the mid-eighties to last year (DH’s many nieces and nephews are marrying like it’s going out of fashion), and endless post-wedding breakfasts, and I’ve never seen that. Which is not to say people don’t do it in private, only I’ve never seen anyone tallying up a list the day after!

I’ve got a fairly scattered friendship group, and have given €150 or €200 in Spain and around the same in Italy, more at a Greek wedding, less in Finland. From what I remember.

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Glad to hear it's not a norm, I felt very icky being party to this. Of course they were very nice to everyone's face. Mother of groom had a tulle bag made (it matched the tiny favours bags) to collect the wedding money in. I gave €200, only because dsis had warned me of the plate thing and apparently the family only had me down for €100 so they were very pleasantly surprised. The next wedding I'm invited to I might make them a Live Love Laugh sign in lieu of cash, my presence is the real present, after all! 🤣

GentlemenPreferBuzzcuts · 22/09/2025 10:32

JasmineTea11 · 22/09/2025 10:31

Never heard of an Irish divorce but that's funny, like an 'Irish Goodbye' !

Why is it funny?

JasmineTea11 · 22/09/2025 10:31

Never heard of an Irish divorce but that's funny, like an 'Irish Goodbye' !

GentlemenPreferBuzzcuts · 22/09/2025 10:23

verybighouseinthecountry · 22/09/2025 09:57

Re weddings, I went to my sister's nephew's wedding in Ireland and was invited to the family breakfast the next morning. I was horrified that they were tallying up who had given what and who hadn't "covered their plate". A couple (from England) had given one of those Oxfam donations to a school in Africa (the bride and groom were both teachers, so this seemed quite fitting to me) and the mother and sister of the groom were appalled, calling them tight bar stewards and "they shouldn't have an hours luck". They were happy with my gift, I'd more than covered my plate which they weren't expecting 🤣

I don’t think that’s in any way usual, though. I’ve been to more weddings here than I could count, from the mid-eighties to last year (DH’s many nieces and nephews are marrying like it’s going out of fashion), and endless post-wedding breakfasts, and I’ve never seen that. Which is not to say people don’t do it in private, only I’ve never seen anyone tallying up a list the day after!

I’ve got a fairly scattered friendship group, and have given €150 or €200 in Spain and around the same in Italy, more at a Greek wedding, less in Finland. From what I remember.

verybighouseinthecountry · 22/09/2025 09:57

Re weddings, I went to my sister's nephew's wedding in Ireland and was invited to the family breakfast the next morning. I was horrified that they were tallying up who had given what and who hadn't "covered their plate". A couple (from England) had given one of those Oxfam donations to a school in Africa (the bride and groom were both teachers, so this seemed quite fitting to me) and the mother and sister of the groom were appalled, calling them tight bar stewards and "they shouldn't have an hours luck". They were happy with my gift, I'd more than covered my plate which they weren't expecting 🤣

Checkcheckout · 22/09/2025 02:37

Definitely correct about the weddings and money thing. My DP is Irish and we’ve been to a few weddings of his friends in Ireland, and that’s definitely been the case. One of his cousins who I was speaking to said she paid the hotel where the reception was with her wedding gifts, and that it was painful handing over €18000 in cash! Basically the ethos is that you pay for yourself/your family to be there, the bride and groom shouldn’t be out of pocket. It was my (English) brother’s destination wedding earlier this year and they made it clear they didn’t expect any gifts, but DP insisted on putting a few hundred euro in a card and giving it to my brother, as he would say it’s just the nature in him 🤷‍♀️.

PaxAeterna · 22/09/2025 00:25

I think there is an awful lot of guilt and shame attached to abortions for more women here. That’s not surprising considering most people had a catholic education and would have come across pro life messaging within that at some point. In my school we were shown a lot of pro life images. It is definitely going to have an impact.

I for one think this mindset will change as I think I was part of the last generation who has this type of education. It’s not that English women find abortions easy or are frivolous about them. It’s that Irish women can beat themselves due to shame attached to this.

powershowerforanhour · 21/09/2025 23:22

"The fact that you've used that skiing analogy just proves my point on how different your environment is on this matter."

My environment is pretty much the same as yours. I'm in Northern Ireland.
I'm saying that there is stereotype perpetuated by some people (a diminishing number thankfully) over here of English women just trotting along for a convenience abortion. Which is bullshit.

Original poster

Sillysandy · 21/09/2025 22:55

powershowerforanhour · 20/09/2025 18:12

"The gut wrenching pain of it is so at odds with what I hear when non Irish people reference having a termination because the timing wasn't right or whatever. "

My best friend runs an abortion clinic in England (alongside her other obs/gynae duties) and the trope of "nipped in for a quickie abortion in my lunchbreak because a pregnancy clashes with my ski holiday" is an absolute load of bullshit. Some people are more mentally affected than others but it's not taken lightly by staff or patients.

The fact that you've used that skiing analogy just proves my point on how different your environment is on this matter.

I'm not saying it's easy or non traumatic for British people.

I'm saying it was such a bloody ordeal for us and up to not too long ago. There are still residual effects of living in a country where so much hypocrisy, secrecy, shame exists. The law has changed twice in my adult life, first we had to vote to even be allowed travel for abortion and get information for a termination. It's very recent that we can get an abortion without traveling overseas. Women have died in hospitals in our country because they wouldn't terminate a pregnancy.

It was so different and it's still a controversial topic to this day.

OP posts:

powershowerforanhour · 20/09/2025 18:12

"The gut wrenching pain of it is so at odds with what I hear when non Irish people reference having a termination because the timing wasn't right or whatever. "

My best friend runs an abortion clinic in England (alongside her other obs/gynae duties) and the trope of "nipped in for a quickie abortion in my lunchbreak because a pregnancy clashes with my ski holiday" is an absolute load of bullshit. Some people are more mentally affected than others but it's not taken lightly by staff or patients.

Onmytod24 · 20/09/2025 14:18

Do you have any insight at all how sanctimonious you appear? r reread your last post.

One pointed out that thousands and thousands of Irish women had terminations you respond by saying that may be so but when Irish women have them they suffer they’re torn apart.whereas. British people? They treat it like deciding to have an extra chocolate eclair or something. You’re not light and fluffy you’re very dark.

Original poster

Sillysandy · 20/09/2025 12:45

JHound · 19/09/2025 13:30

we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances

Thousands of Irish women used to travel to England for abortions.

Yes I know I was one of them. The gut wrenching pain of it is so at odds with what I hear when non Irish people reference having a termination because the timing wasn't right or whatever. It took me decades to move on and I think truthfully I didn't heal till I became a mother aged 40. I am not saying I represent all Irish women but this was my experience. I was haunted.

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bigwhitedog · 19/09/2025 22:06

Glitterybee · 19/09/2025 21:57

Thank you 🙌

I was coming along to post something similar…

As an Irish person from NI, it’s so offensive for people to imply that we’re less Irish because we’re from the North! And that’s exactly what I took from this post.

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Winds me up honestly, I know plenty of people who have trouble believing someone from Derry is just as Irish as someone from Galway. Free state mindset is pervasive.

Glitterybee · 19/09/2025 21:57

bigwhitedog · 11/09/2025 15:38

I'm Irish, from Mayo living in NI ( not sure why you excluded Irish people from the North?or are you a partionist who doesn't see those people as Irish?). I don't know how old you are but you're wrong on abortion and divorce, I'm late 30s, many people I know have experienced one or both.

Agree with you on money, and another difference I'd highlight is views and customs around death (and is a difference I've noticed between British and Irish people in the North too).

Thank you 🙌

I was coming along to post something similar…

As an Irish person from NI, it’s so offensive for people to imply that we’re less Irish because we’re from the North! And that’s exactly what I took from this post.

Realley · 19/09/2025 21:53

Teaforthetotal · 19/09/2025 21:50

You sound.. Fun

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Thanks

Teaforthetotal · 19/09/2025 21:50

Realley · 19/09/2025 21:46

So most English* where you live and have interacted with, rather than “most English”.

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You sound.. Fun

Realley · 19/09/2025 21:46

Teaforthetotal · 19/09/2025 21:41

I'm responding to another poster who was identified a common Irish trait of revering parents. This rang true to my experience as someone born and bred in Ireland d and I commented on why it might be different in the UK where I live.

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So most English* where you live and have interacted with, rather than “most English”.

Teaforthetotal · 19/09/2025 21:41

Realley · 19/09/2025 21:35

My father is Irish and my mother is of Irish parents. I have lived in both countries. My ‘English’ family endured many of the hardships you describe working in northern mills. I think you may be confusing generational differences with sweeping statements like “most English”.

Young Irish in major cities are quite different to what I remember as a child in rural Ireland in the 80’s/90’s.

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I'm responding to another poster who was identified a common Irish trait of revering parents. This rang true to my experience as someone born and bred in Ireland d and I commented on why it might be different in the UK where I live.

Twinkletoes127 · 19/09/2025 21:35

The wedding one was an eye opener for me. Im English but have lived in Europe .
Ive attended my fair share of wedding and never gifted a penny less than £100
I got married earlier this year and while, I absolutely did not "expect" gifts or money it was a bit of a shock that over 160 guests, we recieved an average of £9 per person. All guests were full day guests, including food, drinks included for day, entertainment both day and night. I had undercalculated. If I had known, I would not have included drinks...

Realley · 19/09/2025 21:35

Teaforthetotal · 19/09/2025 21:30

Even in the recent past our (Irish) parents generation have had tough lives as alluded to here : blighted by economic hardship, emigration, alcoholism, lack of opportunities and lack of basic women's rights. Irish people rightly honour our parents who've survived this adversity. We have respect for elders in our culture.
Most English people I know respect their parents but I've also seen lots of people in the UK who don't value them and take them for granted. There's different values.

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My father is Irish and my mother is of Irish parents. I have lived in both countries. My ‘English’ family endured many of the hardships you describe working in northern mills. I think you may be confusing generational differences with sweeping statements like “most English”.

Young Irish in major cities are quite different to what I remember as a child in rural Ireland in the 80’s/90’s.

Teaforthetotal · 19/09/2025 21:34

Goldenbear · 19/09/2025 14:21

I'm British and watched Normal People and although it's fiction it definitely highlighted many cultural differences to me but I'm from London so maybe it's more about that.

I'm Irish living in UK and thought the show did a great job of showing how it is in Ireland.

Teaforthetotal · 19/09/2025 21:30

verybighouseinthecountry · 19/09/2025 17:18

Just thought of another one, and it's my absolute favourite of (perceived) Irishness. They absolutely idolize their parents, their mothers in particular. I've seen so many men and women post a photo of their DM, calling her "a Queen" or "there'll never be another like her/him". It's usually accompanied by some sort of Irish music about your mother/father. I don't think I have ever in my life seen an English person talking about their parents in this way.

Edited

Even in the recent past our (Irish) parents generation have had tough lives as alluded to here : blighted by economic hardship, emigration, alcoholism, lack of opportunities and lack of basic women's rights. Irish people rightly honour our parents who've survived this adversity. We have respect for elders in our culture.
Most English people I know respect their parents but I've also seen lots of people in the UK who don't value them and take them for granted. There's different values.

Realley · 19/09/2025 21:28

Whereabouts in do you live? There are cultural differences for sure, some of what you’ve described doesn’t ring true at all.

Teaforthetotal · 19/09/2025 21:24

Slimtoddy · 19/09/2025 18:55

The reference to how the Irish handle death reminded me of the film - that they may face the rising sun. https://m.imdb.com/title/tt28143091/
I recommend it!

That film is beautiful, captures the death ritual perfectly and a lot of other cultural aspects too.