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Original poster

To not know whats better for the kids - divorce & happy or together and tension

37 replies

Rockabybabyboat · 11/09/2025 00:29

I think im going to leave my husband.

We have a 4.5 year old and a 12 month old but we just dont work together anymore. My husband doesnt listen to me, doesnt make any effort with his family or our small family and mainly only thinks of himself.

He doesnt see any issues in our relationship except for my anger - he doesnt see past why im angry - because he doesnt listen, or remember anything, doesnt realise how sick I am about having to nag at him for literally everything to be done, complains I plan trips with my friends and kids but he literally never wants to go out. The fact he only sees my anger as an issue - not any of the catalysts drives me insane, and means I blow at literally the smallest things now to apoplectic rage. Ive told him the issues, and nothing ever changes, but he wonders why im so so furious with him.

However im now thinking whats better - should I hold my tongue so my kids have their dad around, but theyll grow up seeing a dad disrespect their mom and all of her hopes for her kids ways of being raised. Or will they be ok with separated parents?

I feel so guilty taking them away from their dad - but im so unhappy.

I told him I want a divorce tonight, like I do most times when we have our same fight. But tonight I mean it, im starting to look at alternative accommodation but getting cold feet cause of the kids.

Is it better to hold it together for the kids sake, or just to accept its done and let them live separated?

(Im not trying to offend those who are separated, im just worried about such a vast change)

OP posts:
Momtotwokids · 11/09/2025 04:52

My mother stayed with my father till my sister graduated highschool. She was 16. It was hell for us 3 girls. They fought all the time and never got along. Please don't stay for the kids. Have a better life

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 11/09/2025 03:01

Look, second guessing yourself and feeling guilty is par for the course as a parent.

The reality is, whatever you choose you'll probably look back and wonder if it was the right choice. You might have mouthy teens/young adults, with little memory or insight into what really happened, throwing their 2 cents in as well. Been there, done that.

All you can do is weigh up the pros and cons to make the best decision you can with what you have, then try to find peace in that decision and look forwards, not back.

For me (I left) the decision became easy when the disrespect/neglect increased until it was clearly abuse. It was a slow creep along the spectrum and I regret not spotting it early enough, I also regret taking too long and letting things get too bad before I called it a day. How do you see things evolving in your situation? Are you going to keep moving your red line backwards and if so, how far?

Notmyrealname22 · 11/09/2025 02:40

Divorced and happy. They are so young it will just be normal for them, it won’t be a big traumatic change in their life. Much better for them not to be around parents who hate each other.

olderbutwiser · 11/09/2025 01:02

Divorce and happy. Especially as your kids are young enough for a lot of the actual split to go over their heads. I so wished my parents would split up.

IDontLikePinaColadas · 11/09/2025 00:57

Latenightreader · 11/09/2025 00:49

A school friend had parents who stayed together until she was at university. Even as a 12 year old the tension in the house was palpable. A university friend's parents split up in her first year which came as a complete shock. She felt as if a big chunk of her home life had been a lie.

My parents separated when I was three. I am so glad they did.

This too. I have friends who were really fucked up when their parents separated when they went to uni as they realised it had all been bollocks for years.

AutumnFroglets · 11/09/2025 00:55

As someone who grew up in a house full of tension and two unhappy parents - it can screw you up so badly you need a lot of therapy otherwise you end up replicating your parents relationship. Which screws you up even more.

Ask yourself this - do you want your own children (as adults) force themselves to stay with a partner they no longer want to be with, frustrated, angry and resentful, or would you want them to leave and have a happy life? Of course you would rather they leave and be happy, so do that.

amberisola · 11/09/2025 00:51

Leaving is the right thing to do but I know it's not easy. I'm in a similar situation and I'm getting ready to leave. I'd be gone already but we live abroad and I'm pretty isolated so it takes a lot of planning.

I grew up with parents who fought all the time and my mum stayed "for me". It did me no favours at all, so I won't be doing that to my DD. As much as I feel guilty about leaving and worried about finances. I don't want her seeing me lose my temper all the time and thinking I'm awful for it (I am, but I was nothing like this before, and I'll be fine once I'm away from him.) Your H sounds much the same.

Latenightreader · 11/09/2025 00:49

A school friend had parents who stayed together until she was at university. Even as a 12 year old the tension in the house was palpable. A university friend's parents split up in her first year which came as a complete shock. She felt as if a big chunk of her home life had been a lie.

My parents separated when I was three. I am so glad they did.

LeftFooter · 11/09/2025 00:47

He may see it as an empty threat if you’ve said it several times.

Personally I think many problems can be overcome if both parties are willing to work on it. Could you go to Relate or similar?

I’m sorry to say that I do know of children who would rather their parents were together even if there were problems. A little boy who when asked what he wanted for his birthday, replied “Mummy and daddy to live together again.”

I do sympathise OP but it’s worth trying to communicate I think.

IDontLikePinaColadas · 11/09/2025 00:45

As a child of divorce I’m sad my mother didn’t do it earlier. I was 12 when they separated but she had been thinking about it for years. I wish she had done it earlier. They are both re-married to my amazing step-parents who make them so much happier than they ever could have made each other. It won’t be easy to start but will be so much better in the long run.

PickAChew · 11/09/2025 00:40

A lifetime of such tension isn't good for the kids.

Weclomehome · 11/09/2025 00:36

I always say that I dont believe in staying for the kids but I do believe in working on it for the kids. If you have done all you can to repair and fix your relationship but nothing has changed then you are best apart so that the children can see their parents happy, but if there is the possibility of finding a way back to being happy together with some work and effort then I think when you have kids then it's worth doing.