To not know whats better for the kids - divorce & happy or together and tension

My DD was 10 when I finally left her dad, it had never really worked, but like you I worried that she would be disadvantaged by separation.

She was relieved as she knew our relationship was shit. She picked up on all the tension, arguments that we thought we hid from her. I wish I had left sooner as I now know how that affected her. All it did was prolong the inevitable. Plus, you are living your life for the first time too and deserve peace.

Definitely split up.

Living with tension and anger between parents is awful for kids.

A divorce managed well can be by far the best thing.

My parents were definitely amongst those who should have split up. The rows like clockwork on a Sunday and angry bickering at other times (they still do this) were awful.

What this man is doing is abusive. He is exploiting your time and energy for his own selfish gain because he can and what’s worse is you aren’t allowed to be angry about it. Women aren’t allowed to be angry about being exploited in a patriarchy. Get angry OP and take action. LTB.

You sound like my mum. I wish they had split.

They stayed together (and remain together now) but resent each other for it. I also think she grew to resent us for it in a way

Shes been a whirling pool of negativity, of jabs and anger. She mostly tried to argue behind close doors but her irritation was palpable and I used to be scared of leaving the room, leaving gatherings or of car rides homes from relatives etc because the second she wasn't putting on a show the mask of happy family fell. I know why she is like that but it's incredibly hard to grow up in a house where theres an explosive parent who's got no respect for the other. Every argument, missed plate from the washing up, day to day bicker is a potential powder keg of shouting.

I completely disagree that only being a child of divorce means that you worry all arguments lead to divorce. Look at this situation where someone is threatening divorce in the middle of an argument repeatedly by her own admission. I grew up watching simple mistakes trigger almighty problems, and thinking it was normal. I had no idea how to argue in a way where you come out still friends

If they'd have divorced each other than they might have had a chance of happiness but it feels like they trapped us all in a loveless situation for appearances

My relationship with my mum is forever damaged. I know why she was like it, but sadly the mum of my childhood felt hair triggered, who was full of barbs. I'm sure the situation made her like that, but equally she should have taken responsibility when she realised her level of anger and left. Yes absolutely he should have done therapy, etc and should have left her also but they are both equally to blame for being too apathetic to leave.

We have a relationship now as an adult but she still can't resist complaining about my dad.

If a man had posted that he was getting so angry, threatening divorce repeatedly the opinions would be different

People on here don’t like it if you actually do it, but I’ve certainly thought about writing a thread from my husband’s POV.

Given that you have to co parent, the tension is a problem whatever happens. Ask him to set up couples therapy. Or if that’s not an option, I’ve recommended the book Rapport a lot on here.

My dp has the best divorce possible. He knows he did everything he could to save his marriage, and he and his ex wife are friends without tension. We all went on holiday together with his kids too. A year at Relate was part of what made that possible.

Well as she says, she’s tried. Repeatedly. He doesn’t listen. You can’t make people like that change - it will only “work” if the OP shuts up and puts up with this bullshit and martyrs herself and sacrifices her own happiness for this man. Which to be fair, lots of women do. I think they are usually the ones who go on about how you have to try to make it work.

Good God just leave. I split when mine were 11 and 12 but we hadn't been in love for many years before that we just couldn't admit it. As soon as I started to feel the resentment I was done. That was 10 years ago. It has affected their relationship with their Father massively I am not going to lie, the moment he met another woman the kids came a cold distant second. At the end of the day though that is on him not me, he had a choice to be a good Father and he chose not to be. I have a wonderfully close relationship with my DC and being single was far far easier. I never had a single second of regret, the peace of being single is wonderful.

Divorce is better.
Kids will be looking at your relationship and they will believe that yours is how relationships are meant to be. You don't want them to learn this, plus the constant tension which they will pick up on even if they don't understand it. It will make them anxious.

I had a friend in a similar situation but he suggested counselling, she went as a last ditch attempt so she could say she'd tried everything. a
they split up because it was too little too late and she just couldn't stand him anymore Nd the recent was just eating away at her
My dad was like your DH but in the end was abusive and violent to my mum so it was an absolute relief when they split up
you are justifiably so angry with him that surely is not going to be good for your kids to grow up with

A lot of children will say they wish their DP had stayed together
I definitely don’t think couples should stay together for the sake of the DC but I do think they should try to work on issues if at all possible

Kids that age ask for unicorns and a magic wand though. Most children of unhappy parents who stayed together say it affected them negatively. And as adults I don’t really know of any adult children of divorce who genuinely want their parents to be together again. You grow up and realise the truth. Anger and arguments are never good. I don’t see why parents living apart is a negative thing - it only is because as a society we have decided it is that way. The vast majority of animal species don’t partner for life with the other parent.

As a former teacher I agree with this. A lot of kids used to confide in me and many of them did prefer their parents together even if arguing. Interestingly a lot hated arguing mainly because they thought it was the first step to divorce. And in many cases their fears were confirmed.

It just changed their life so much and I guess change can be hard as a kid.

And what I found almost across the board is the vast majority of them did not like having stepparents. Even the ones that were decent.

I had a friend when I was younger who had what I felt was the perfect stepdad. He was kinder, and more patient than most biological dads! I was shocked when one day my friend told me that she resents him.

She was an only child so it was just her and her mum from age two when her dad left until 9 when she met him. Then as she sees it - all of a sudden this man was always around.

Her mum actually didn’t let him move in until she was 18 tbf - but he was still over most evenings and went on day trips with them etc.

I couldn’t get my head round it as he was such a great bloke but I suppose he was still an unrelated male taking up her mums time. I mean she was never rude to him and I don’t think she told her mum how she felt to spare her feelings. It’s such a tricky situation.

But of course splitting up doesn’t necessarily mean stepparents.

Stop threatening divorce, either way. Either split up or don’t and commit to some basic kindness. No relationship can possibly function at all under constant angry threat. And you have a relationship for the rest of your lives because you have kids together. Even if you’re apart, you’re going to have to figure out a way to operate as co-parents.

Also, of course it won’t be ‘divorce and happy’. Life goes on being difficult and complex and you take yourself wherever you go.

Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t split up; maybe it’s the best option. But don’t expect that it will be all the infuriating things that stop and all the good things that carry on.

Honestly, as the daughter of parents who shouldn’t have been together - the best thing you can do for them is leave. If it’s as tense for them as you say, you aren’t doing anything for them by staying together (if you’ve both done all you can to work through it). I’ve got a great relationship with both my parents and they split when I was 4.

When you feel you've done everything you possibly can, then tried to do it again and again, and when it's starting to damage your self-belief and self-esteem, when you can't be the strong person you know you are, then it's time to leave. ✊

My parents hated each other but stayed together and so I am very against that. I split with father of my DC 15yrs ago when DC were 5 and 2 and they have a close loving relationship with their dad. It was definitely the right decision.

Have you tried counselling? The bit about how he only sees your anger and doesn't seem to be aware of the reasons behind it - a good counsellor could help with that.

This is all about you OP.

YOU'RE not happy.
YOU'RE tired of nagging him.
YOU'RE feeling ignored.
YOU'RE angry.

Have you tried thinking about anyone other than you?

This all seems very one sided.

You need to own your own apoplectic rage. That is not anyone else’s responsibility except your own, no matter how annoying other people are.

To answer your question, it depends how bad it is. Divorced is better than children living with angry shouting matches, but too many people convince themselves that better for the parent means better for the children when it often doesn’t. Moving between two homes and having step parents can be very damaging to children and their relationships with their parents.

I'm a child of divorce, they separated when I was 6. What screwed me up wasn't the divorce but my father moving hundreds of miles away and not keeping in touch. It's a horrible feeling, knowing your parent has chosen to walk away from you. But I don't think divorce in and of itself is quite so harmful as people assume, as long as everyone does their best for the children involved.

It doesn’t sound like it can be fixed as it takes 2 to fix a relationship. Men are also highly unlikely to make lasting changes. I’d get out now while they are so young. Otherwise they may grow up blaming you for being so angry.

Having separated parents doesn't in itself lead to negative outcomes for children. Its how that is managed. If the separation is managed with the children's best interests in mind and the parents communicate well, share financial and practical responsibilities appropriately and demonstrate respect and kindness for each other, this shows the children that they can resolve issues well and allows you all to move forward as a changed family unit with new routines and structures.

If you leave it for the resentment to fester or communication breaks down entirely you have the makings of childhood trauma.

I've been separated from my kids dad since my youngest was 1, he's now 10. They have a great life. The image of a troubled child from a "broken home" is not everyone's reality.

Agree with PP about seeing if there is any way to break through the communication barriers and gaps in understanding that have grown between you. You loved him once, and he loved you. Can you get back there? Try couples counselling?

If not though, will your ability to have an amicable relationship be better living apart, or together? Whichever path has the least animosity - go for that, for the childrens’ sake.