Would you knowingly have a child with difficulties?

Obviously it’d depend on circumstances but I think for me I’d of definitely chosen to terminate the pregnancy if it was a subsequent child. I think it’s incredibly tough for siblings of a disabled child as often the person with the highest needs is centred which is necessary but can mean it’s a real struggle to get your own needs met.

I’m sure there are families where it works well but in my experience there’s a lot of divorce and siblings hsve a hard time of it. I suppose I’d be willing to sacrifice for a disabled child but I’d prioritise any existing children if that makes sense?

I agree with you OP. My DS15 is autistic- no scan for that. He's miserable most of the time and if I had known then what I know now about how his life would turn out I would have terminated. He had a happy childhood but has been miserable since his teens seeing and understanding how his peers are advancing in life. I love him dearly but I wouldn't wish this anguish on anyone (his anguish).

I would have to think about how that child’s life would look if anything happened to me and the father. Or when we inevitably died, what situation is the child (grown up probably by this point) will they be in.

If they would be unlikely to lead an independent life then no, I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy.

My son is disabled we love him but life is harder for him and he struggles every day. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
I know someone who knew at around 15 weeks their baby had a life limiting genetic disorder. They continued with the pregnancy and he died at five days old. They had four other children who the pregnancy/death massively affected. You can’t say for definite what you would do until you are in that situation . But after watching that I think I would end the pregnancy.

I watch Peet Montzingo on TikTok. His parents, brother and sister all have some form of dwarfism but Peet is 6ft tall. His mother's pregnancy was risky when she was pregnant with him because he was growing so big.

So sometimes the 'difficulty' is being 'normal'.

I know Deaf people who are glad their child is also deaf.

I think it is a huge, 'it depends', one of my relatives' baby had no brain. She could have carried her to term but she would have had a short and painful life, think days not years.

I was very clear with my partner that if at any of our scans we found out any of our babies were going to be born with significant disabilities/ delays or neurological deficits that I would terminate the pregnancy. It would have broken my heart but would have been the right decision as raising such a child was not the life I wanted or would have coped with and not a burden of care I would want to fall to our other children in the future out of a sense of duty or love. I have huge respect for those who do find out and continue their pregnancy.

Realistically, I would probably end the pregnancy. It's difficult to know for sure and it would depend on a lot of things apart from the nature of the disability, including how far along in the pregnancy I was when I found out and how much chance there would be of having another child after.

I think I would only really know the answer though the question if I was I in the situation. I say this because I always used to think that I would choose an abortion if I had an unwanted pregnancy. There was a time when I thought I might be pregnant and it was weeks away from me going on a dream backpacking trip for many months. I truly believed I was pregnant because my period was late and it was NEVER late. But perhaps miscalculated or perhaps I miscarried or perhaps for once in my life my period was late for some strange reason but anyway my period came. Phew!

There was another occasion when unborn DC2 had some potential abnormalities and DP started saying if they were confirmed, I should have an abortion, I was VERY conflicted. Luckily again, DC2 was fine so decision avoided.

A friend of mine had fertility issues and after an other 20 years, including many failed IVF attempts, finally got pregnant. She didn't bother with any screening tests because she just wanted a child, even if it was seriously disabled. Again, she was in luck too and she had a healthy child who is now an adult and working as a teacher.

The couple who live on the corner near us have a severely disabled adult son.

Their lives must be extremely tough.

I think it must be so difficult: not only with a young child, but then as an adult too. And then obviously the parents start to age...

Do you have a disabled child?

We were asked to take twenty four hours to go away and discuss what level of disability we were prepared to live with. This was at 16 weeks.
DH said he would support me in whatever I decided. Some might say this was passing the buck, but DH knew with his job (we already had one DC) that the majority of care would fall to me.
I decided as long as DC was expected to survive and if he had some quality of life we would continue. We were scanned every week until he was delivered. It was an awful time.
I think it made a difference (and I'm only talking about my experience) that we had tried for many years to conceive and thought it would never happen. We have a ten year gap.
DC was so desperately wanted and I felt he deserved a chance. I'm not into anything woo, but several weeks later I saw in my pregnancy notes the estimated conception date. It was the date my DF died.
DS had to stay in hospital a while and as a child was assessed as having mild learning difficulties. I shudder to think if I'd decided differently. Twenty plus years later he's amazing, having surpassed all expectations. He has a grrat career, a gf of several years and passed his driving test first time.
I know this isn't the outcome for everyone, but I made a decision believing the situation was far worse than it turned out to be.

Im not sure . I think there are lots of points that would come into play and I'd also fear the Drs could be wrong.

Having further children when its a genetic possibility I find very strange. I know someone who had a DD (healthy) , then DS (genetic diagnosis, life limiting but much better than it used to be). Possibility of a child having the same illness 1:4 . They went on to have 2 more which I found really irresponsible.
A colleague had 2 DS. First healthy, 2ndfrom birth, was very sickly/very poorly at times tested for a wide range of issues but nothing fit. Her husband pretty much immediately decided to get a vasectomy because he said he /they couldn't go through it again, to see your baby so ill.
He actually grew up to be a healthy young man, now married with a family. Doctors never found out what the issue was.

I didnt have any of the tests for disabilities and certain conditions done during pregnancy except those that were not compatible with life so that I would not need to make that choice. However I have also spent 20 years working with children and young people with disabilities and learning difficulties and to be honest it was a real fear of mine because I have seen some very very difficult circumstances where the parents are hanging on by a thread due to the level of care, support and/or behaviour needs that their child has, when pregnant I was really scared of having a child with that level of need and not being able to cope with it.

No I wouldn’t . I wouldn’t knowingly bring any child into the world if they were going to suffer .

I have a child with an ultra rare genetic condition.

If I had known they would have this condition I would have had a termination. I love them so much but it’s very difficult.

I know my child’s genetic disorder was de novo but I won’t have anymore children.

I had an amniocentesis at 18 weeks. My much longed for daughter had Patau's syndrome - trisomy 13, a rare genetic condition that is incompatible with life. I chose to terminate at 22 weeks. I think the decision was less 'difficult' for me because she was so catastrophically affected but hardly a day goes by when I don't miss her.
For other conditions or birth defects I think it would depend on the likely severity, how well my other children and I would cope with certain disabilities and what quality of life the child would have.
I have worked with families with severely challenged children and can only imagine how hard it must be.

Having a disabled child myself I can't comment. It's a personal choice I'd never judge. I also had a nifty test for my 4th child. I know my limits and would not cope with one of the top duplications on top of a already disabled child. Mainly due to operatikns on top of everything else. No need to be a saint and your existing kids really need to be forefront in the choice surely?

But in our case it's not life limiting. He is a happy healthy child and brings so much joy. But he was very hard work when younger. It effected and does effect my other kids. So with the knowledge I have would I screen it out? Absolutely. But would I screen him out? No way. No way would I be without him. Never. So that's a real non answer. I really pray my kids never experience this and I would help them screen for it and support them to do so or not do so.

If I had realised that my DD would have needed 14 operations before she was 6, the multiple ICU stays and the life that she has I'd have gone through with the termination.

I didn't because I didn't feel like I could, and while I was swithering with myself I was deliberately shown the scan screen after I'd asked not to be (the person was sacked as it turned out to be the second time they'd done that) and saw the heartbeat I just couldn't.

I actually think the guilt I'd have felt about terminating would have been less than the guilt I have now about the life inflicted on DD, and the impact that has had on my other children.

I really couldn't say. In theory I might not. I certainly don't judge people for terminating children who would have severe issues. Not everyone is going to have the resources to cope with a very disabled child.
I don't know what I'd do. I have 3 other children who need me.. I don't earn a lot of money.. I'm not sure I'd cope.
But then I'm not sure I could abort any baby. My 3rd was an accident and it was difficult circumstances.. so it was discussed. Very early. But I had an extreme emotional reaction when it came down to it. I felt very attached to the baby only weeks in. So I guess even if I was told a baby would be very disabled or live in pain.. I might find it extremely hard to terminate.
But in theory I support womens right to make these choices.

I had a tfmr at 21 weeks. Baby had hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Genetic testing was ok but 60% of HLHS kids die before age 5. I would have had a 17 month old as well and also had to think about him, didn’t want my eldest to have a brother who would most likely die and have him have the trauma of losing a sibling. We’re Scotland and baby would have had to be in London or Birmingham hopsital. Most are in hospital at least 6 months, the “repair” is 3 open heart surgeries. The majority require a lot more surgeries than this to redo bits etc. each one huge risks of strokes etc. then you go on google or tiktok and find people alive and healthy in their 20s with HLHS. I live with the guilt every single day but I still do think it was the right choice.

I had a tfmr after an early NIPT showed a high risk of genetic abnormalities, which was confirmed with a CVS. It wasn't a difficult decision for me to make, and all the medical team involved certainly expected me to terminate. Life expectancy was very poor, 90% die within the first year of life (possibly wouldn't even reach full term), with very severe disabilities and it seemed pointless to me to put myself and my older child through that. I went on to have a perfectly healthy child and the family life I have with her and her sister is something we wouldn't be able to have if she had severe disabilities - just normal activities like mainstream school, sports, minimal contact with doctors, easy childcare, and days out.

I would terminate. As someone as a carrier for a life limiting genetic condition

Yes, it is a wonderful outcome, for which i will always be so grateful, I know we are very fortunate. She was delayed walking and talking, and even when she started school I was anxious that they would tell me that she had a learning disability which we hadn't picked up. I think I have only fully relaxed in the past year or so in terms of her development, and just completely enjoyed the amazing person she is. But I don't think I will ever truly stop thinking 'what if' - especially as I work in a special school for children with incredibly complex needs, so every day I am reminded of where we could have been. I am completely in awe of the parents who support their children in incredibly difficult circumstances, both in terms of their child's disability, and also the barriers in 'the system' which means support for children and families is not great.

There are several reasons DH and I chose not to try and have children, but one was that we couldn’t stand the idea of bringing a child into the world and having to see it suffer in any way.

I get that we probably have an unusual perspective here.