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AIBU?

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Original poster

To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

682 replies

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:32

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

OP posts:
PsychoHotSauce · 10/09/2025 18:37

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 18:30

I definitely don’t want to lend. I would hand it over and wouldn’t want to discuss it further. I could do that.

However, you are all raising good points. I also have got lots of emails from my professional body asking if we would donate to funding social mobility programmes into my career….

This would change the dynamic of your relationship. If he's decent, he'll always feel like he 'owes' you and may feel trapped in the relationship later because you did this huge gesture so early on (that is frankly, none of your business). Making it a gift is even worse imo. It does kind of feel OTT and like you have some rescuer complex that a lot of people would feel beholden to because it's so OTT.

MorrisZapp · 10/09/2025 18:36

Nah mate. Not for me.

puddlegoose · 10/09/2025 18:36

Sixth form is a natural time to move so that would make me less inclined to contribute. When people start down private school track this is a risk they take. It’s not for you to make up for their financial oversight when you could invest it in your own future / your own DCs / etc. For example, they could be earlier retirement for you if paid into your pension or a house deposit for one of your DC (depending on where you live, etc. of course).

Don’t commit to this. It is unlikely to end well.

bluepears96 · 10/09/2025 18:35

You sound insane OP. Absolutely not.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 10/09/2025 18:35

The children have two parents who are responsible for the school fees, not your problem

Pedallleur · 10/09/2025 18:34

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 18:26

We live in a different part of the country and he commutes to see them. I could go too but have opted not to as I am busy and not that interested.

Show quote history

But interested enough to gamble your money. Your choice but I'll assume father is 50. Part retired so living off salary and investments? Some inheritance or pay off? As another poster said will Uni fees be affordable?

Elephantangel1991 · 10/09/2025 18:34

I think it could change the dynamics of your relationship with your boyfriend negatively.

If you feel like being generous towards students in need of financial support there are plenty of schools and universities which have scholarships and hardship funds where a donation would be more than welcomed.

Bitzee · 10/09/2025 18:34

I’ve only skimmed the thread so sorry if I’m missing something but I find this a bit odd. ‘Top public school’ for 2 years of 6th form is likely to be over £100k yet between him and his ex they’re only ~£10k short but neither of them can get a loan or something to sort it?? If you’ve never met the DC are you quite sure you’re getting the whole truth?

Panama2 · 10/09/2025 18:34

I think if you can afford to it and not miss the money, not expect anything in return and are happy doing it then do it, it’s your money to spend how you want.
I think it is a very thoughtful thing to do.

Pricelessadvice · 10/09/2025 18:33

Loan the money to them? With a strict payment plan?

ishimbob · 10/09/2025 18:33

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 18:26

We live in a different part of the country and he commutes to see them. I could go too but have opted not to as I am busy and not that interested.

Show quote history

Why are you not interested enough in his child to bother meeting them but interested enough to give them thousands of pounds?

Is this some kind of Lady Bountiful fantasy?

There are so many more deserving causes! Donate to Oxfam or Water Aid or SOS children's villages or even the local donkey sanctuary!

SoOriginal · 10/09/2025 18:32

I’ve said YANBU because it’s completely up to you how you spend your money. 2 things that would influence my decision would be 1) whether the money was significant to me, such that it would eat into savings, stop me doing other things or take anything from my own children like deposits etc…
Whether there are any good alternative sixth forms around? My DH was privately educated but chose to go to a grammar sixth form. Have they explored other options?

KeenGreen · 10/09/2025 18:31

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/09/2025 17:34

I'd say no, unless you were officially a step-parent (married to their dad) or if it's a loan with a written agreement to pay it back. It's only been a year, you don't live together. This is very much a him problem.

A loan to pay it back would be my vote too.

I think it’s wonderful thing to do OP good of you to think about it.

What would the two other children have to say about it?

FioFioSILK · 10/09/2025 18:31

Financial issues are so common especially for the school fees. I'd only do it if I could afford to give my own DC equal money.

coravantexel · 10/09/2025 18:31

There is no way I would pay for someone else’s child to have private schooling when my own went to state school.

newfriend05 · 10/09/2025 18:31

OP you don’t even live together, you’ve never met the child , and it’s not school it’s sixth form … plus you have only been together a year !, just NO

Original poster
WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 18:30

I definitely don’t want to lend. I would hand it over and wouldn’t want to discuss it further. I could do that.

However, you are all raising good points. I also have got lots of emails from my professional body asking if we would donate to funding social mobility programmes into my career….

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 10/09/2025 18:30

If it's £10k or so per year for 2 years, surely bf and ex can borrow it. Not from you

Daisymail · 10/09/2025 18:29

GabriellaMontez · 10/09/2025 18:24

You're planning to make up the shortfall while he's part retired?!

Wtf??!

This!!!

Beeloux · 10/09/2025 18:28

No way. I don’t lend money, especially to men. The only exception would be immediate family members if they were struggling.

Most recent X started complaining of money problems and being skint all the time. I ended up bluntly telling him that he could think again if he was hinting for any money off me.

This will be a downward spiral. It’s up to himself, his ex or their families to pay for the child’s sixth form.

I went to a private school and only very few out of our year did exceptionally well academically. I ended up switching to a public sixth form and the kids there did much better overall.

dcsp · 10/09/2025 18:28

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2025 18:24

Or he could just get a loan.. or remortgage.. Or sell some valuables if its that important to him.

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Indeed he could.

But I have friends who I'd he happy to loan money to (not as much as £10k, but probably as much of my spare cash as £10k is to the OP) so if the OP wants to do the same here for someone who was her friend before he was her partner, I don't think that's necessarily a terrible idea.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/09/2025 18:27

I might, at a push, offer to lend the money but presumably he could borrow it elsewhere anyway?

LemondrizzleShark · 10/09/2025 18:27

You want to give your boyfriend of under a year £80k or more? (Two years of fees at a “top public school”)

You are out of your mind.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/09/2025 18:26

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2025 18:24

Or he could just get a loan.. or remortgage.. Or sell some valuables if its that important to him.

Show quote history

Or come out of his semi retirement and live up to his responsibilities. Who is going to pay for his children through university?

Original poster
WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 18:26

ramron · 10/09/2025 18:24

How have you not met his child after a year

We live in a different part of the country and he commutes to see them. I could go too but have opted not to as I am busy and not that interested.

OP posts:
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