To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

There are plenty of decent state sixth form colleges. You’d be insane to pay for post 16 education for someone else’s child.

Given he is semi retired, any reason your BF or his ex wife can't get an extra job, release equity in their homes or drawn down on any private pensions? Part retiring whilst you have a child in school seems like very poor planning. Nobody I know who has had private school educated children has made any changes to their financial situation until their last child got their A Level results. Many parents still top up their children at Uni.

Depends how rich you are. If you can easily afford it then I would

To come at it at a different angle, it’s clear that you recognize it’s not your obligation or expectation and you are not under any pressure from BF to fund the kids school fees, I don’t see any issue as a totally charitable act rather than taking responsibility for his child.

The risk is it may open the door for more money requests in the future depending on how greedy or not BF is, and it has the potential to change the dynamic of your relationship depending on the level of maturity and respect on both sides.

I will also add that if you do go ahead to make sure you have absolutely no expectations or strings attached eg if you end up breaking up next year you can’t come with “but I helped your kid etc” type comments.

Given your update about how you were supported to attend private school and given you can comfortably afford it without affecting your financial situation, your retirement or your kids then I think it’s a nice gesture as long as you take the points I made above into consideration.

Another suggestion, is there a way to help anonymously? Though it may turn awkward if they end up finding out. I prefer a more direct conversation to set expectations that this is a one off and doesn’t mean they are coming back for more but I understand that not everyone is comfortable having direct conversations.

Your user name is apt.
it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. If you’re minted enough to pay someone else’s child’s school fees when you’ve never met the kid and have not been in relationship for long then why not.
as long as you can afford it.

i think it’d be kinder if you have that money to spend it on your own kids or something for people in genuine need but it’s your money.

weird how you say your kids’ prospects are better than the prospects of his privately educated kid, even with your windfall.
if that’s the case, why are you bothering as your investment/ gift is not likely to lead to anything meaningful other than perhaps saving face for your partner and his wife and keeping a teen comfortable who you’ve never met ?

you mention social mobility as a work based project , this feels a bit like that,
I don’t really get it, I don’t get why you’re posting if you insist that you can afford it. You must really love this guy.

If the OP is considering dropping £40k on school fees for a bf of a year then I wouldn’t be surprised if her skiing holidays cost £40k, what with the first class flights and luxury chalet in Whistler with staff to tend to their every whim.

And if he were that bothered he could get a job and as a PP said unretire himself

If they are already stretched, they might be glad to have a reason to opt out, but that might be hard for them to admit.
I had a few years of private education followed by state 6th form and loved my sixth form experience. From my point of view, I see no reason to continue in private education post year 11. All of the problems of state school that private school fixed were no longer there at 6th form.

If you can comfortably afford it it's fine. I have a different opinion to most posters. There's nothing wrong with helping out someone you deeply care about and being generous. Sounds like there's some special circumstances for this child.

You aren't being deceived, pressured or tricked into loaning money you can't afford.

I do find it a bit depressing that there's so much "look out for number one" attitude displayed, as though every last cent should be hoarded for your own child or yourself and never being generous to a good cause or someone you care about.

Do you want to be your short term BF's cash cow that keeps on giving? Can you afford to wave goodbye to that money?

You guys have been together a fairly short time. You don't live together.

The kid has parents who should be making his educational decisions and paying for them. If they can't afford private school, one of both can get second jobs to find it or go to regular schools. This is not a one time thing. They want their kid to have a private education but can't afford it. Tough

You're not a part of this family. Are you trying to buy your way in? Is he trying to suck significant money out of you? There's a lot of costs besides the tuition.

I think paying for an unrelated kid's private education would be a stupid move. I would immediately break up with him if he asked you for this.

@WhyWhyWhyDelulu moving from private to state at sixth form is common (Dd has 2 at her school that she knows of and at least 3 at the grammar she left) just as the move from grammar to private.

the Dc can and will cope with this it is. Not your issue to solve

The kid won't lose out, they'll be fine at a state sixth form. They're a "whizz" apparently.

No thinking rational person would even consider this with a boyfriend of a year. You really need to examine your motives here as it clearly isn’t about education.. if that was the case you would give it to a far more deserving cause. It’s smacks of trying to buy favour .. are you really that desperate. There are so many ways this could go wrong .. if you want the relationship to survive do not do this.

BF part-retired anticipating comfortably seeing his DC through school but divorce, VAT and other fee increases has challenged this.

Surely BF needs to unretire himself then?

I was going to post that you should only do it if you were prepared to make a loan (interest free) and be prepared to completely write off the money due to circumstances such as you splitting up, or his kids taking a disliking to you and demanding that their dad choose them over you, or anything else where he might not pay you back.

However the fact that he is partially retired changes this all. Even a part-time less prestigious 2nd job should really help to offset the £10k/year deficit.

I wouldn't, it's very kind of you to think to do it but this is your boyfriend and his ex wife's problem. I know it's the kid that loses out but that childs parents need to deal with it.

If a man of that age can't afford a year's fees, what's he going to live on?
Sorry, too many holes.

Sixth form can be taken elsewhere.
No difference at all really to be honest

Yes, that's more than a ski holiday, I would have thought.

You won’t get much change out of £40k if it’s a top private school, so unless you are so wealthy that this is like pocket change to you, I wouldn’t.

When DD wanted to attend a good university, DH and I both got part-time jobs in addition to our full-time jobs, as did DD who worked to pay for it as a 15, 16 and 17 year-old.

I'm an American and working long hours to afford extras is built into our culture. Our part-time jobs, btw, were not fancy.

BF part-retired anticipating comfortably seeing his DC through school but divorce, VAT and other fee increases has challenged this. It is too much for him.

This is beyond appalling to me. What a loser to be part-retired and 'devastated' to not have money to provide for his youngest. Dude, get a F-ing job!

If it means that much to your BF and his exDW, they will find a way.

You most definitely should not provide it.

Money can change the whole dynamic of a relationship, in unexpected ways sometimes. Especially where there is a big imbalance.

Often the recipients are resentful.

A terrible idea. Sounds like you have a saviour complex OP

I don't think you should do this. The DC will progress well at a state sixth form.
Save/invest your money in other ways.

...hate...
...stupid...
...desperate...
...cock-blinded...
...What is wrong with you...

Woah - someone got out of the wrong side of bed today!

Nice thought, OP, but probably not for the best for the reasons various of the more considered reasons other posters have suggested. It will be for 6th form, so a good time as any to rip the band aid off

Having to do sixth form elsewhere is hardly a problem - I’m sure quite a few will leave for other ‘free’ settings. I speak as someone who has 2 DC in private school and there is no way I will be paying for sixth form as well. Plus, the sixth form offering in some private schools is nowhere near as good as other settings. You’d be a fool to stump up for this, if you are putting your child in to a private school you have a responsibility to ensure you can see it through, if they can’t then tough, their child will be OK.

as many have said, alot of kids change for 6th form, because it takes them out of their safe bubble and pushes them socially while they still have the stability and security of home. It helps them to take a step of independance - it may mean getting themselves to and from college by themselves for the first time, actually getting up and out the door, as well as learning about managing timetables and freetime and independant study.
Lots of the kids my son was at private school with left at that point, they had outgrown the community and needed to spread their wings, and many of the new kids who joined the sixth were from local secondaries who were on scholarships.
My son stayed, mainly because he hadnt done well at secondary, joined in year 9, and immediately got hit with homeschooling and covid. I felt he still needed the support and nurture, and he was also going to do an extra year doing an Art foundation after his A levels as a gap / learn some independance afterwards.
Its good prep for university.