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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

682 replies

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:32

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

OP posts:
Efrogwraig · 10/09/2025 19:24

No. Going to a state sixth form will be really good for her to meet other people & prepare for the real world at university. Like your children did.

MiddleAgedDread · 10/09/2025 19:24

If you’d known them for years and were an active step parent in their lives this would be a generous jesture but for a child you’ve never even met, madness! Between them they’ll either find the funds or move them to somewhere affordable.

CurlewKate · 10/09/2025 19:23

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:39

Oh wow! Ok. I guess I was expecting a bit more sympathy for BF! Certainly he is devastated.

My DC are fine - they had amazing educations and have objectively better prospects than the privately educated BF DC.

He’s devastated that his child has to go to a state 6th form? I’d dump him for that alone.

KatyaKanani · 10/09/2025 19:23

Filofaxforlife · 10/09/2025 19:21

I’ve read all of OP’s posts but not entire thread so apologies if I’ve missed anything. OP I actually would consider this in your shoes. I had a terrible state education and have been lucky to do well despite this. My DC are now at independent schools as education is something I really value and think can set you up for life. Imposition of VAT has affected my DH’s retirement and fees now a struggle. If someone for whom £10k wasn’t a massive issue could help my DC complete sixth form in their school I would take the money. Equally if it was someone I was close to and could afford it I would give the cash. I think a lot of the negative replies may be judgements more about independent schools.

No. Read the posts. Mostly it's financial.

Jellyheadbang · 10/09/2025 19:22

Bigcat25 · 10/09/2025 19:07

If you can comfortably afford it it's fine. I have a different opinion to most posters. There's nothing wrong with helping out someone you deeply care about and being generous. Sounds like there's some special circumstances for this child.

You aren't being deceived, pressured or tricked into loaning money you can't afford.

I do find it a bit depressing that there's so much "look out for number one" attitude displayed, as though every last cent should be hoarded for your own child or yourself and never being generous to a good cause or someone you care about.

Show quote history

How do you know there’s no trickery or deception.
We don’t have the full picture, how the subject came up, how the loan/ gift suggestion came about etc

Tablesandchairs23 · 10/09/2025 19:22

Absolutely do not do this. New relationship your thinking of paying for his kids education. Nit your problem.

Filofaxforlife · 10/09/2025 19:21

I’ve read all of OP’s posts but not entire thread so apologies if I’ve missed anything. OP I actually would consider this in your shoes. I had a terrible state education and have been lucky to do well despite this. My DC are now at independent schools as education is something I really value and think can set you up for life. Imposition of VAT has affected my DH’s retirement and fees now a struggle. If someone for whom £10k wasn’t a massive issue could help my DC complete sixth form in their school I would take the money. Equally if it was someone I was close to and could afford it I would give the cash. I think a lot of the negative replies may be judgements more about independent schools.

PennySweeet · 10/09/2025 19:20

As if any decent bloke would let you do this 🙄

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 10/09/2025 19:20

I would consider it since it’s only for sixth form but then does it open the gates for them to keep asking.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 10/09/2025 19:19

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 18:30

I definitely don’t want to lend. I would hand it over and wouldn’t want to discuss it further. I could do that.

However, you are all raising good points. I also have got lots of emails from my professional body asking if we would donate to funding social mobility programmes into my career….

Use your generosity to help DC that would really benefit from your help.

SpryUmberZebra · 10/09/2025 19:18

KatyaKanani · 10/09/2025 19:12

If you want to spend £40k on a stranger rather than your own family, it's up to you.

She already said that it doesn’t affect her family so I don’t get your points. Many people pay things forward and if she can comfortably afford it I don’t see the issue. Of course she shouldn’t put her financial situation or kids in jeopardy to help others but the logic of not helping strangers is a weird one.

there are many millionaires in the US who would pay the tuition of a whole class in the US and they don’t take the approach of “they are strangers”. I see it more as appreciating what you have been blessed with and blessing others as well.

Again as long as she can comfortably afford it and it’s not at the expense of her kids or her financial future.

Toddlerteaplease · 10/09/2025 19:17

No. Absolutely not.

ChristmasFluff · 10/09/2025 19:17

If he agrees to take your money, you will never know if he is with you because he loves you or because you paid for his son's schooling and he feels he owes you a relationship.

Or is that what you are aiming to achieve?

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 10/09/2025 19:17

If you have the cash - why not.

3pears · 10/09/2025 19:16

If your boyfriend would accept this from you while being part retired and not taking up another job to meet the shortfall then I would be appalled.

im also surprised at another poster who said their parents needed friends and family to chip in so they could go to private school. I would never expect money from friends to fund my child’s education if I chose a private school instead of a free one.

zippydeedoo · 10/09/2025 19:16

I would absolutely no way do this.

The child has both a mother and a father and they have both been irresponsible to not ensure they have the money needed to pay the fees.

Not your problem!

Laura95167 · 10/09/2025 19:15

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:32

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

Depends on a few things:

How much? Would you be ok to "lose" the money?

If you broke up would you pull the rug?

You said youve known him a while and never met D3, so would you do this for someone else?

Bread121bread · 10/09/2025 19:14

If I had the money and could help a child, I would. Give it as a gift nothing else. If something else comes later on. Assess it then. Only use the information you have now, to help you make this decision.

ishimbob · 10/09/2025 19:13

Bigcat25 · 10/09/2025 19:07

If you can comfortably afford it it's fine. I have a different opinion to most posters. There's nothing wrong with helping out someone you deeply care about and being generous. Sounds like there's some special circumstances for this child.

You aren't being deceived, pressured or tricked into loaning money you can't afford.

I do find it a bit depressing that there's so much "look out for number one" attitude displayed, as though every last cent should be hoarded for your own child or yourself and never being generous to a good cause or someone you care about.

Show quote history

I think that's over simplifying

It's not a strong relationship. If this was a long-standing relationship and a stepchild that she had a bond with, it would be different. She doesn't even know the child.

It's not an especially deserving cause. £50 would feed a child in an SOS children's village orphanage for a month.

www.soschildrensvillages.org.uk/donate/

ComfortFoodCafe · 10/09/2025 19:13

Why has he semi-retired when he has a private education to pay for? Him & his ex-wife are Cocklodgers!

Neveranynamesleft · 10/09/2025 19:13

If you have enough cash spare to do that for someone you have never met you could throw some my way thanks.

Pigeonpoodle · 10/09/2025 19:13

PiggyPigalle · 10/09/2025 19:05

If a man of that age can't afford a year's fees, what's he going to live on?
Sorry, too many holes.

Show quote history

Lots of men, most even, wouldn’t be able to find a spare £20k per year for that

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 10/09/2025 19:12

Bigcat25 · 10/09/2025 19:07

If you can comfortably afford it it's fine. I have a different opinion to most posters. There's nothing wrong with helping out someone you deeply care about and being generous. Sounds like there's some special circumstances for this child.

You aren't being deceived, pressured or tricked into loaning money you can't afford.

I do find it a bit depressing that there's so much "look out for number one" attitude displayed, as though every last cent should be hoarded for your own child or yourself and never being generous to a good cause or someone you care about.

Show quote history

oh give it a rest. Now isn’t the time for the avaricious society look after no1 speech
The father who works a leisurely part time isn’t putting himself out. At all. That speak volumes. A dad who won’t interrupt his own step down from PT to FT to step up for his own child.

NorthXNorthWest · 10/09/2025 19:12

Supporting social mobility is more important.

KatyaKanani · 10/09/2025 19:12

If you want to spend £40k on a stranger rather than your own family, it's up to you.