To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

Are you absolutely mad? What about your own children?

Your boyfriend and his ex have marked you as a soft touch and will try to take advantage accordingly.

If you have the spare cash I think it would be a nice thing to do.

For me it would depend on how the money is given
Is it a one off lump sum or ongoing payments?
Is it a loan or a gift?
If it was a lump sum and it ended up being spent on a different emergency situation so it didn't all go to school fees how would I feel about that?
If its ongoing payments then would I continue paying if the relationship broke down/DP died (sorry to go there but you've said the arrangement is strictly with him and for the DC to be unaware)/ some other unforseen circumstance happened that fundamentaly changed the relationship between you and DP
If its a loan can you afford to write it off if its not repaid or would this cause a detriment to you or your own DC
Can you afford to give/loan this money AND afford a similar sum if your own DC had an emergency and needed financial help? If you can't could you live with that?
Would DP feel emasculated/embarrassed/beholden/angry/etc if you were to even offer it let alone him accept it?
Would you feel angry/embarrassed/annoyed/etc if you offered and he declined?
As per my last two questions could the offer accepted or not come between you?

Finances and relationships are a hard mix, it can cause resentment, obligation, misery as well as positive reactions. Would DP feel obliged to stay in the relationship if his feelings changed but you had gifted/he owed you this money?

When I read the title my instinct was a hard no. Then I read your post and updates and I don't know what you should do. An alternative could be to see if there is a way to give the money anonymously if you do want to give it and not loan it as that could remove some pressure on your relationship around it.

Final thought, if you do decide to go ahead and can't find a way to do it anonymously then draw up a legal document around it, treat it as a business transaction, even if its a gift. Take away the emotion of the relationship between you and treating purely as a business transaction could hopefully prevent any negative impact on your relationship. State the amount(s), what it is to be used for etc just clear none emotional language as if your DP is a stranger is the best way forward to lessen any impact on your relationship.

It's not an easy decision and I wish you luck, take the time to make it and consider all the possible angles even the ones that seem absurd

OP you have mentioned that you had bursaries, grants and support for your education. Grants and bursaries are awarded, so you would have earned this. As for support, I am not sure why this makes the current situation normal to you, unless you had support from a non family member in a serious but not committed relationship ?
You mention you would do this as a favour? Favour has an implication of the recipient owing something.
There's loads wrong with this idea, it creates an obligation on the part of your boyfriend at some level.
If you have millions and this is small change for you and means nothing then maybe give the money but it doesn't quite sound like that
It also, suggests that it's not just the education it's about upping the status of the relationship.
I also think whatever you say you're own children won't like this and won't like your boyfriend because of it.

Cuckoo

Well he's clearly not that "devastated", if he's not going back from part-retired to full-time employment again in order to pay the shortfall. Problem solved, give the man a tissue.

Methinks this man knows you're worth a pretty penny and is turning on the waterworks to manipulate you. Come on, he's known you a year, he knows you're generous person, he's playing you.

no way

If he is part retired surely the obvious solution is for him to go back to work full time if he wants to keep his child at a very expensive school? Why would he partly retire given that that the fee increase was flagged constantly for what feels like eternity.

I think if it’s a relatively trivial amount and it would mean a lot to someone I loved, I’d do it.

I say this as someone who dislikes selective education. Only because being around really bright and talented people has been one of the joys of my life.

I was all for YABU until the end of your post. (There are lots of great sixth forms out there blah blah blah).

However, I think if people helped your parents out then this is a nice way to 'pay it forward'. As long as you genuinely think of it as a gift, won't begrudge it if you break up with bf etc.

If you posted asking about paying fees for the last GCSE year or the last few A-level terms then I think my response would be different (given it sounds like this isn't a massive financial strain for you). But 16+ is a natural transition point and there are plenty of very strong state options, so I think the downsides of such a lopsided gift in a relationship probably outweigh the benefits.

If you do decide to move forward I think the only approach I would consider is to just provide the funds up front with no strings attached so that you're not linking your relationship to the teen's ability to finish their exams uninterrupted once they start. I think that's the only fair thing for the teen and it's going to be the best thing for your relationship.

No. Just no.

You don't know what you or one of your children might need in the future. We all know the NHS is on its knees. What if one of you needs urgent surgery or treatment that either isn't available on the NHS or is only available after waiting months and months?

Keep your money. BF can up his hours or take out a bank loan if he feels that devastated.

This 100%

If he's part retired, why can't he unretire and earn the £10k?

Devastated is a bit strong. Going to a different sixth form is not the end of the world, its not like being removed mid year or halfway through secondary. If your boyfriend can't afford the fees, presumably he won't be able to afford to repay you.

This. I would be furious.

😂

Your username sums it up OP.

That's a very naive way of looking at it.

The very nature of this IS transactional because the recipient is her boyfriend's child and if they split up there could be repercussions.

You said your contribution would be £10K for the next 2 years.
Do you mean £10K pa or £10K in total?

You need to ask your kids what they think of you spending their inheritance on random kids you’ve never met

No. If I can afford to help someone it’s not going to be transactional and therefore whataboutisms don’t matter.

Absolutely this. You would do this for a boyfriend you’ve not been with for long, for a child you haven’t met? If I were one of your children and found out, I’d be really unhappy that you seem to put an unknown’s education ahead of mine. Are you supporting your own children through university with no strings?

Did it not cross your mind there could be a problem if they split up?

For the love of God do not do this.