Have you ever been a bully? Why?

One of our teachers used to say every bully hides a sadness within.

Yes. It’s really disturbing.

The problem is that using the word Bully as a noun does nothing to understand the complexity of the behaviour. It divides the world into offenders and victims, when in reality the truth is much more nuanced. Many people perform actions which would be perceived as bullying, often when they're experiencing actions perceived as bullying. It's normal for aggression to be expressed in a power hierarchy, so those with some power perform bullying actions to those with less (perceived) power than them and so on, down the hierarchy.

The Bully-as-a-noun label is extremely dangerous, as it doesn't give people space to improve their behaviour or recognise their needs in the hierarchy.

What, do you mean the one by @saltandvineger?

I admit I have been part of low level bullying. A girl in our friendship group in the last 2 years of secondary school was very manly & not academic and a group of around 5 of us would take the piss out of her. Not every day, but periodi. It was meant in good humour but I can see that she might not have appreciated being the butt of our jokes. The worst thing we did was, we used to play cards at lunchtime & if you lost the game you had to be rapped on the knuckles with the cards. One particular time she lost & we showed no mercy on her. She left the room & looked like she was going to cry. The strange thing is, we actually liked her & we were happy to have her in our group. I think we were a bunch of bitches who must have got a kick out of making her feel small. I, and a couple of others I'm in touch with, feel really bad about our behaviour. I'd be livid if my dds were ever treated like this. I've witnessed lots of adult bullying & I make an effort to include everyone at work if they might be feeling a bit secluded

Grrrr…not more of this stuff, please. Did that teacher speak from painful personal experience or had they just been on a course?

Read the long post above and see what you think.

One of our teachers used to say every bully hides a sadness within.

Yep. I've been a bully. I was really, really horrible too and I didn't even have some bullshit heartfelt excuse like mean parents or my rabbit had died. I was quite simply a horrible little bitch. You'll be pleased to hear I got my comeuppance though.

Why did I do it?
(Buckle in mumsnetters, this will sound awful, but it's the truth.)
It was never really about the person. I'm not saying that to be nice or make anyone feel better, it just genuinely wasn't. Some people just stood out as targets. They had weird glasses or a bad haircut or talked funny or smelt or anything little superficial thing insignificant thing that made them a target but a lot of the time, there wasn't even anything at all, you could just tell they weren't the type of person that was going to fight back. They were therefore below you in the pecking order and fair game.
We (yes, I was in a group of other nasty bitches) would just target people because it was a laugh and it bonded us all closer together, being bitches together, challenging each other to see who could push that bit further, trying to impress each other by being worse than each other, trying to fit in, to be the coolest, to assert dominance - not over the person we were bullying, that was already a given - but over each other. Who could be the meanest bitch and therefore the leader of the group? Who could make others laugh the most? who as the best? That person, who's life we could have easily ruined, was just a tool to us, just a form of entertainment.
I was the worst, I'm afraid, so was what you would probably call "the ringleader".

One girl's parents complained to the school, we all had to have a meeting in the deputy head's office with our mums there, where the DP lectured us about bullying and kindness etc. The girl's mum was going absolutely mental in the DP's office shouting and saying that this better get sorted out and she better not hear of me touching her daughter again or she would take matters into her own hands. My mum just sat there and didn't say anything and then shouted at me a bit when we got home and I wasn't allowed out that night I think, or some other low level punishment.

This whole episode was, to us, quite frankly hilarious. We fucking pissed ourselves laughing over this girl's mum freaking out and did lots of impressions of it in front of everyone. Most people laughed along with us and after that we behaved much worse towards the girl. She became our primary target and one night me and another girl followed her home. We didn't hit her but we did corner her and get right in her face and threaten her and tell her if she ever told any one ever again we'd beat the shit out of her. I remember her legs were shaking and the next day I told everyone about how I could see her legs shaking, and everyone laughed right in front of her.

Feeling like I'm the biggest bitch on the planet right now? well, you'll enjoy this next bit.

Turns out this girl has family or close family friends who were travellers I think, and notorious in the town and they were a fucking hard bunch of bastards. Like really, do not mess with us, been to prison several times, fight each other just for fun type. The girl's mum went and told them and asked for help and one night just before Christmas I was walking home late when two much older boys, probably about 17 or 18 (I was in year 9, so about 13 or 14) just came up behind me and grabbed by arms and held them behind my back. They started shouting all this stuff about how they were going to rape me and kill me and I was absolutely terrified, I was screaming my head off, I had no idea they were there for the girl, I thought I was just being attacked. They then shoved me face down into the mud of the track we were on, I can still taste the dirt in the mouth, and one of them got right up close to my ear and said "now you know how Sally* feels, you fucking little cunt, if you ever touch her again we will cut your throat, yours and your useless sket of a mother's" I remember the words clearly, because I'd never heard the word "sket" before. Then they emptied my school bag over me, took my school shoes, and ran off. I found the shoes on the way home, hanging on a bush by the laces.

I didn't tell anyone what happened but I went home that night and I sat on my bed and I cried and cried and cried.

I'd been bullying anyone I thought I could since year 6, I'd always got away with it, it was nothing but fun to me. And for some reason, I'd had simply never thought about the fact that my actions really hurt people, that these people had real feelings, not even when I saw the girls legs shaking. I literally saw them shaking and thought "omg I can't wait to tell people about that"

But it took me being terrified for my life by someone else for something to just click in my brain, like someone had flicked a switch. What I was doing was evil. Actually really fucking evil and I actually couldn't believe I hadn't given that fact a single thought before.
I can remember the actual moment like "omg, my actions have an effect on real people, and they are real people, not my toys, they have family and lives and people that care about them, not just crazy shouting mums" horrible, right? but I guess up until that moment, my empathy just wasn't there. It just hadn't developed in me, until someone came along and pretty much kicked it into me. You say violence isn't the answer? it fucking was for me.

I know it's going to sound unbelievable, like some sort of teenage drama perfect ending but I can honestly say I never bullied another person again. I faked a cold for a few days and didn't go back until after the Christmas Holidays. I didn't enjoy Christmas that year, and it wasn't just because I had been attacked, which was traumatic in itself, it was the horrible realisation, that should have been obvious to anyone else, that I was just an unbelievably shit person.

I went back and distanced myself from the other girls and the group fell apart. I made new friends and I don't think I ever spoke to the girl again. I was too ashamed and embarrassed. She never acted smug, as she had every right to, she just quietly ignored me and got on with her life.

Am I ashamed? Yes. Of course. But I have moved past it now and realised that yes, I was fucking horrendous, but I grew, I developed, and I'm not that person any more. It's a short chapter in my life I have firmly closed. I don't live in the area any more although my mum still does and I visit her occasionally, so I never bump into anyone and I haven't kept in touch with any old school friends. In fact, I never really made any proper close friends again.

I'm pregnant now with my first child, and nope, she won't be a bully and no, I won't let her be bullied.

So there you have it - the honest, ugly truth.

Yep. I've been a bully. I was really, really horrible too and I didn't even have some bullshit heartfelt excuse like mean parents or my rabbit had died. I was quite simply a horrible little bitch. You'll be pleased to hear I got my comeuppance though.

Why did I do it?
(Buckle in mumsnetters, this will sound awful, but it's the truth.)
It was never really about the person. I'm not saying that to be nice or make anyone feel better, it just genuinely wasn't. Some people just stood out as targets. They had weird glasses or a bad haircut or talked funny or smelt or anything little superficial thing insignificant thing that made them a target but a lot of the time, there wasn't even anything at all, you could just tell they weren't the type of person that was going to fight back. They were therefore below you in the pecking order and fair game.
We (yes, I was in a group of other nasty bitches) would just target people because it was a laugh and it bonded us all closer together, being bitches together, challenging each other to see who could push that bit further, trying to impress each other by being worse than each other, trying to fit in, to be the coolest, to assert dominance - not over the person we were bullying, that was already a given - but over each other. Who could be the meanest bitch and therefore the leader of the group? Who could make others laugh the most? who as the best? That person, who's life we could have easily ruined, was just a tool to us, just a form of entertainment.
I was the worst, I'm afraid, so was what you would probably call "the ringleader".

One girl's parents complained to the school, we all had to have a meeting in the deputy head's office with our mums there, where the DP lectured us about bullying and kindness etc. The girl's mum was going absolutely mental in the DP's office shouting and saying that this better get sorted out and she better not hear of me touching her daughter again or she would take matters into her own hands. My mum just sat there and didn't say anything and then shouted at me a bit when we got home and I wasn't allowed out that night I think, or some other low level punishment.

This whole episode was, to us, quite frankly hilarious. We fucking pissed ourselves laughing over this girl's mum freaking out and did lots of impressions of it in front of everyone. Most people laughed along with us and after that we behaved much worse towards the girl. She became our primary target and one night me and another girl followed her home. We didn't hit her but we did corner her and get right in her face and threaten her and tell her if she ever told any one ever again we'd beat the shit out of her. I remember her legs were shaking and the next day I told everyone about how I could see her legs shaking, and everyone laughed right in front of her.

Feeling like I'm the biggest bitch on the planet right now? well, you'll enjoy this next bit.

Turns out this girl has family or close family friends who were travellers I think, and notorious in the town and they were a fucking hard bunch of bastards. Like really, do not mess with us, been to prison several times, fight each other just for fun type. The girl's mum went and told them and asked for help and one night just before Christmas I was walking home late when two much older boys, probably about 17 or 18 (I was in year 9, so about 13 or 14) just came up behind me and grabbed by arms and held them behind my back. They started shouting all this stuff about how they were going to rape me and kill me and I was absolutely terrified, I was screaming my head off, I had no idea they were there for the girl, I thought I was just being attacked. They then shoved me face down into the mud of the track we were on, I can still taste the dirt in the mouth, and one of them got right up close to my ear and said "now you know how Sally* feels, you fucking little cunt, if you ever touch her again we will cut your throat, yours and your useless sket of a mother's" I remember the words clearly, because I'd never heard the word "sket" before. Then they emptied my school bag over me, took my school shoes, and ran off. I found the shoes on the way home, hanging on a bush by the laces.

I didn't tell anyone what happened but I went home that night and I sat on my bed and I cried and cried and cried.

I'd been bullying anyone I thought I could since year 6, I'd always got away with it, it was nothing but fun to me. And for some reason, I'd had simply never thought about the fact that my actions really hurt people, that these people had real feelings, not even when I saw the girls legs shaking. I literally saw them shaking and thought "omg I can't wait to tell people about that"

But it took me being terrified for my life by someone else for something to just click in my brain, like someone had flicked a switch. What I was doing was evil. Actually really fucking evil and I actually couldn't believe I hadn't given that fact a single thought before.
I can remember the actual moment like "omg, my actions have an effect on real people, and they are real people, not my toys, they have family and lives and people that care about them, not just crazy shouting mums" horrible, right? but I guess up until that moment, my empathy just wasn't there. It just hadn't developed in me, until someone came along and pretty much kicked it into me. You say violence isn't the answer? it fucking was for me.

I know it's going to sound unbelievable, like some sort of teenage drama perfect ending but I can honestly say I never bullied another person again. I faked a cold for a few days and didn't go back until after the Christmas Holidays. I didn't enjoy Christmas that year, and it wasn't just because I had been attacked, which was traumatic in itself, it was the horrible realisation, that should have been obvious to anyone else, that I was just an unbelievably shit person.

I went back and distanced myself from the other girls and the group fell apart. I made new friends and I don't think I ever spoke to the girl again. I was too ashamed and embarrassed. She never acted smug, as she had every right to, she just quietly ignored me and got on with her life.

Am I ashamed? Yes. Of course. But I have moved past it now and realised that yes, I was fucking horrendous, but I grew, I developed, and I'm not that person any more. It's a short chapter in my life I have firmly closed. I don't live in the area any more although my mum still does and I visit her occasionally, so I never bump into anyone and I haven't kept in touch with any old school friends. In fact, I never really made any proper close friends again.

I'm pregnant now with my first child, and nope, she won't be a bully and no, I won't let her be bullied.

So there you have it - the honest, ugly truth.

I was bullied because I was shy and different I think. I was a late June baby and my mum kept me late from starting school until the January, and taught me to read and write and do sums at home during that period. When I finally started school friendship groups were already established. I was very quiet with short hair (because my mum thought it was chic and french!) and all the other girls had long hair.

She bullied me all the way through primary school. She made sure I had nobody to play with. She hit anyone who tried to get me involved. She was very much “ you have short hair/the wrong shoes/can’t catch so you can’t play with us”. I was the last to be picked in any team. For a while my mum was a dinner lady at my school and said looking out of the window after lunch and seeing me stood on my own in the playground, or being rebuffed from playing with someone absolutely broke her heart. She mentioned it to a couple of teachers but they just told her I needed to toughen up.

The day we broke up for Easter a girl my age moved next door to our house. She was going to be in my class. We had two weeks of non-stop playing in the holidays before we went back to school and by then we were best friends.

Siobhan (the bully) kind of lost her power after that. But she always made a dig or nasty remark until the day she left school at 16 and it left me with a lifetime of low esteem and fear of rejection.

Apparently she’s now a community nurse. I have no idea how such a nasty mean child got into such a caring profession. And the girl from next door? She’s still my best mate 42 years later, and even though she doesn’t know it, possibly saved my life.

Thanks so much! She’s had some therapy and is now living a reasonably happy life and is a very creative person.

She’s more forgiving towards the bullies than I will ever be!

As a kid who was relentlessly bullied at secondary school, it brings me comfort that bullies DO grow up and feel shit about what you did.

I think I was briefly when I was around 7. There was a girl who was a well known bully and was really violent. She seemed to choose “friends” by figuring out who was vulnerable. I was one of the people she decided to befriend. I was a mute autistic kid who was bullied in school and completely neglected/abused at home. I was desperate for a friend so joined her group for a while until she bullied this autistic boy by throwing his lunch box under a temporary hut thing and he was really distressed and rocking back and forth so I crawled under and got it back for him. Then I was ostracised from the group and spent the next few weeks being relentlessly bullied by the group until my ex “friend” tried to crack my head open with a loose brick from a wall. When I returned to school she wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know why she bullied as she just seemed to really enjoy hurting people and when I met her parents they seemed really nice but obviously I don’t know.

I think I was briefly when I was around 7. There was a girl who was a well known bully and was really violent. She seemed to choose “friends” by figuring out who was vulnerable. I was one of the people she decided to befriend. I was a mute autistic kid who was bullied in school and completely neglected/abused at home. I was desperate for a friend so joined her group for a while until she bullied this autistic boy by throwing his lunch box under a temporary hut thing and he was really distressed and rocking back and forth so I crawled under and got it back for him. Then I was ostracised from the group and spent the next few weeks being relentlessly bullied by the group until my ex “friend” tried to crack my head open with a loose brick from a wall. When I returned to school she wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know why she bullied as she just seemed to really enjoy hurting people and when I met her parents they seemed really nice but obviously I don’t know.

It certainly does NOT sound that you are disappointed in her. Quite the contrary. I hope your daughter has sought help for this awful trauma. These pathetic bullies do not deserve to take up any more space in your darling daughters head. She is better than them by far and then some

Thanks so much. She still has no close friends and no one to celebrate her birthday with. She’s very insecure about other people and I think always will be. Her bullies are all mums now with great careers but my daughter, despite 2 excellent degrees, works in the local pub because she can’t cope with the pressure of a career or office politics.

This sounds as though I’m disappointed in her - I’m so not! I know what she went through and have infinite sympathy for her but as a family we are positive and cheerful and celebrate her talents and achievements.

My son never had these problems - it’s such a difficult thing to fathom. But psychologically I think if you’ve suffered sustained bullying it becomes hard-wired into your mind and it’s really hard to heal.

This. I'm in my 40's now and still find this difficult. Late diagnosed ASD and ADHD. Angry because I feel like nobody understands me but I don't yet understand myself and embarrasingly I have no close relationships because of this because i recognise I still 'lash out' so instead of being cruel, im percieved as cold. Even my children find me difficult. I have however raised kind caring kids who are nothing like I was when I was a kid and would never bully or be unkind to their peers