Have you ever been a bully? Why?

There's a bullying problem at my DD's school, with my DD's friend group being the target, and pretty much the entire school joins in, including girls that I know well, and know they absolutely aren't awful people, they are nice, but they are terrified of becoming targets too so they join in (with the shunning side of things, they aren't shouting horrid things like others do but its still so hurtful). One girl didn't and she became a target too, this was even after she had joined in last school year, so those girls see what happened to her and don't want to risk it for themselves.

I have never bullied anyone but experienced what I can now recognise as low level bullying in secondary school although at the time I didn't think it was bullying. I moved to the secondary school with one friend from primary school who very quickly fell in with the "popular girls". I was much quieter, enjoyed school and learning and did my best not to get in any trouble at school, no rule breaking, uniform always pristine which wasnt the norm at the school I went to in the late 90s where most kids were wearing their school ties short, short rolled up skirts etc, I guess the other kids just saw me as a bit odd . The other kids would generally just isolate me, not include me in conversations etc. but there was no specific name calling or physical bullying, which I think must have been influenced by the girl I moved up with in primary school who didn't have much to do with me anymore but stopped the "bullying group" from picking on me, she would still speak to me etc and she was the "leader" of that group so to speak.

No that's just an excuse for bad/bullying behaviour.
Not everyone bullies those less powerful than them nor do we all pass our stress, upset, pain or jealousy onto those below us. Nor is there any excuse for doing so. If you can't handle the stress or pressure at work or school that's a you problem that you need to find a fix for that doesn't involve abusing someone else that you perceive as weaker.
I do agree that bullying is the wrong term to use abusive would be more accurat. I would go as far as saying that all bullies are abusers and their is never an excuse for their behaviour

I think girls are less likely to engage in physical bullying. They’re more likely to engage in psychological torture and I think it’s that which can have a really damaging impact, often more so than physical bullying. Boys are more likely to be physical bullies but I think both sexes are equally likely to be bullies. I also think for both it’s often not picked up on as it’s dismissed as play fighting or friendship fall-outs.
I’ve also seen plenty of girls bullying boys and vice versa.

This has been interesting to read. Do you think more girls bully than boys or roughly the same or less? My memories are that more but am thinking that’s probably because it’s just what I was aware of rather then generally what happens.

No, I think it is possible to regret behaviour when younger that you wouldn’t engage in now. I do believe in rehabilitation. I personally regret being mean to people but as I said, I was also being bullied and in my experience, that’s often the way. It’s how some people make themselves feel better and cope.
And from your post you seem to suggest that bullying is a rare thing as it separates bullies from “nice people”. At my school, there were some kids who were bullied by everyone, that is to say, the whole class would laugh at them, nobody would sit with them at lunch, nobody would be their friend or stick up for them. No, not everyone was the instigator but they will each have contributed to that kid having a shit time at school. But I don’t think the whole class was full of fundamentally evil nasty people. It’s because people are weak and self serving. It’s easy to say that you’d stand up to bullies, that you’d never join in but the reality is that most wouldn’t stand up to them and very many, especially those who don’t have a strong inner confidence, would go along with it, laugh or support the bully in other ways. As you get older it becomes easier to assert yourself but there are a lot of people out there who do regret their behaviour.

I've been on both ends I think. I was definitely bullied to some extent, I think this is because I was the 'poor relation' with the in crowd so I would go along what they did not to be ostracised. I grew up in a house where it was pretty much survival of the fittest. My own DD was severely bullied in high school and it has affected her choices in relationships and self-esteem. She tries to rescue people and in-turn is treated badly. It breaks my heart the position she is currently in

Looking back as an adult, I'm amazed our tutor was able to be so professional when he spoke to us. We certainly didn't deserve him being calm and professional. But his way of dealing with it did work.

Yes, of course it is, as I said I was also very much on the receiving end at the time and know how bad it can be. My BMI was 25.1 in Y10 and Y11 at school and I was called fat or thunder thighs almost every day by a handful of boys. My confidence was shot to pieces, I didn't trust boys my own age at all, and it took years to rebuild my self confidence and actually believe people when they said I was attractive.

@looselegs

Yes - our experience too. Those poor little bullies are having great lives without a backwards glance. It’s grim.

I think the whole bullies are victims too makes it even harder to do anything about it. When you are encouraged to see both sides it obscures the shittiness of the original behaviour. As an adult I see that I’m expected to understand the other person’s pov and also consider if I’m ‘oversensitive’ in a situation where there is bullying behaviour because in general people dealing with things are lazy and selfish and avoid conflict. So if there is any way to make it all go away as a two sided disagreement or a personality clash then that is taken.

I used to see this in schools sadly as well as the main focus was to try and get the bully and victim to make and accept an apology and then say they were mates. Horrible.

I can’t say I’ve never bullied anyone as I’ve probably joined in on piss taking and not known the whole story but I’ve never targeted someone and attempted to make their life a misery for my own amusement. I was bullied relentlessly as a small child due to my red hair and I can see how even though I stood up for myself my home life made it difficult for me to do that consistently enough to get left alone. I’ve always told my dc to hit back (even though they won’t) and I don’t bring them up in an abusive environment and any hint of bullying I deal with via parents or school and luckily so far everything has been nipped in the bud.

My dc have this inner self confidence that I am so pleased that they have but I could weep for the little girl I was who had that opportunity ripped from her by home and school. I am a very successful adult and I’m outwardly confident, attractive (so I’m told), have the marriage and 2.4 kids in the detached home, a good social life etc etc but that feeling that I’m never good enough and no one really likes me just won’t budge sadly.

I suspect they struggle to keep up the facade even now. Hence all the protestations about get regretful they are. Also bullies are almost always narcissists, so the mea culpa will partly be about ‘oh look at me, over here, I have a story to tell, aren’t I so amazing for recognizing that I was a bully’.

Honestly they are totally transparent and shallow. We can all see through it.

Absolutely this! I agree 100%!
I actually don't care what they're going through at home,or what's happening in their life to make them take it out on other people. I see the damage that it's done to my daughter, both physically and mentally, and 7 years on, she only has one friend. She's lonely but she doesn't trust people. It absolutely breaks me to think that some people can make you feel so bad about yourself that it stays with you forever.
Meanwhile, the bullies are on social media with their holiday pics, nice cars, good jobs,babies....probably never even giving my daughter a second thought or what they've done to her!

People on here saying they were bullies and regret it.
No you don't.
What you regret is having to acknowledge that regardless your good education and career, nice dp and lovely dc, you have a nasty streak, you're different to nice people because most of us don't and haven't bullied others.
You're passing yourself off as a nice person everyday but someone somewhere knows different.

I was bullied and had to move school.
My nephew was bullied and at 33 still doesn't work.
Dd was bullied but she had a good form teacher who stopped it quickly.
My friends dd was bullied so badly she took an od and the 4 bullies parents were never informed as all the girls were high achievers and the school didn't want to disrupt their exams!

Didn’t stop my friends from bullying my classmates

I agree that ‘resolution’ rarely works. Well-meaning adults are the last people on earth to understand what’s going on in a serious bullying scenario.

I’m absolutely not condoning what happened to saltandvinegar (being attacked and threatened with rape). That was appalling. But it’s not the same as sustained bullying over a long period of time. She endured a shocking one-off attack. She didn’t have to face daily torture at school. That’s on another level in terms of the longterm effects.

But for the victim “indirect” bullying can be as bad. The people who know it’s wrong but laugh anyway or are friends with the bully. Thats why it’s often a nuanced thing - sometimes it’s the whole class bullying one child even though only one person is the instigator. It’s also why I think there’s a difference between being targeted by a lone bully and when that bully has a crowd of people supporting them (or at least not standing up to them).

People tend to follow crowds and peer pressure is a real thing. Especially where being horrible to someone is legitimised in some way, people will really stick the boot in. Extreme examples are things like Nazi Germany where people who were otherwise fairly decent were given a target and told that it’s okay to be horrible to these people (including school children). It’s also visible with cancel culture - ie it’s okay to be horrible to this person because they are bad. Or kids raised by racist parents who are told that people of different races are bad so it’s okay to bully them. So even a lot of people who claim they would never bully will go along with the crowd and give the oxygen and support that the bully needs.

My daughter did that and when you find out what’s been going on, it’s devastating. We were called in by the teacher, for which I’m very grateful.

Ugh - it’s horrendous. These bullied children are so brave and stoic - it absolutely breaks your heart.

I was for my first year in highschool. I was bullied in primary and other crap that I won’t bore you with, so when I started fresh I wanted to be the dick , rather than be the one people were dicks to. It only lasted a year as I moved schools and the dynamics were very different, plus I didn’t care anymore.

@plantastic

Yes, it’s the constant nature of bullying, isn’t it? Day in, day out, knowing you face persecution, humiliation, ostracism and maybe physical attack.

Being nasty is never OK, but a one-off spat isn’t the same as bullying which can go on for years. As I’ve said upthread, my daughter suffered this and at age 30 I can say she’s been permanently affected by it.

I wish people were honest and brave enough to admit that some people are just nasty. They might be triggered into torturing others by difficult circumstances but not every unhappy child becomes a bully. There’s so much propaganda and brainwashing around. When I was teaching the narrative was that we could all potentially be bullies, and that bullies were equally victims and needed compassion.

What was it, then, in the lives of evil people in history, which caused their behaviour? Can we excuse Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot etc because their fathers might have beaten them. (I don’t even know if this is the case btw - they may have had lovely parents). Face the truth: some individuals are nasty and they’d bully whatever their circumstances.

It really is. I have no sympathy whatsoever for what kind of homelife or upbringing bullies may have that causes them to pick on other people. Making other people self harm, think they're worthless, or become suicidal because of what they are going through in their own lives doesn't excuse it and doesn't make it ok

It is. She was going through it every day but didn't tell us for ages. She kept it hidden well and still went to school every day with a smile on her face.

What disabled children must go through is utterly heartbreaking. I’ve seen bullying of disabled children in action and it was very difficult to remain professional.

I think it’s not so much the bullies as others (with no particular experience of bullying) who are excusing it with banal platitudes.

As a former teacher I heard enough of this enabling rubbish on courses we were sent on and it bears no relation to the actual experience of bullying or being bullied.

i won’t pretend some of these confessions are an easy read but I thank the former bullies for their brutal honesty, which IS useful and which, interestingly, contradicts the ‘every bully is really a victim’ narrative which is so harmful and deeply hurtful.

Eh? So she was an absolute horrible, nasty bully, and carried until one day someone bigger and harder scared her into doing it. She went home and cried because she knew she’d get as good as she was giving, not because she had some moment of enlightenment. And then proclaims in a really morally superior way that she would raise her child to not be a bully. What a bar to aim for.

Sorry but this would be funny if it wasn’t so offensive.