Have you ever been a bully? Why?

Ugh…not surprised at their career choices having had experience of very nasty members of both those professions.

I sensed a distinct lack of guilt too. It almost emanated the ‘be intimidated by me’ vibes that she probably tried to give off at school.

She deserved what happened to her. Unlike her victims.

No it isn’t. Saltandvinegar’s concern about her youthful bullying career ( which was extreme by any standards) is self-interested. It’s dawned on her that her own child might suffer at the hands of bullies.

That’s the only reason she’s having qualms - not through guilt about the pain she inflicted.

Yes probably. Cocky enough to think they can just smooth things over by asking how you are.
Some of them probably don’t even think they’ve done anything wrong. As I said, I was in a clique of 6 and I know that some of the girls see absolutely nothing wrong in what they/we did. They thought it was just a bit of a laugh.
I remember them brazenly inserting themselves into some of the other cliques/groups in school in our last couple of years when our toxic clique disbanded. One of them went out with one of the guys we were unkind to in school for a number of years. One is now a teacher, one is a nurse…. And I doubt they see it as any way hypocritical.
I have declined social media friend requests and declined invitation to a school reunion I felt didn’t have the right to go or reconnect with anyone.

I saw my bully at a wedding once. She was nice as nine pence and apologised for her behaviour. And I accepted it meekly and thanked her for saying sorry. Because I was still a bit intimidated by her. And I’ve been annoyed at myself for it ever since tbh. I wish I’d told her that what she did still wasn’t ok really.

Is this why past bullies sometimes randomly walk up to you in the street and say “Hey how’s it going long time no see? Not seen you since school. What are you up to nowadays?”
and generally pretend they used to be Bessie mates with you at school and act like they’d done nothing wrong lol.
It always baffles me why they do that. But I never thought it might be because they wouldn’t want to drag past memories up again.

Well I was bullied all my life and I can guarantee you 100% if a past bully ever contacted me, they’d regret it! And they’d feel stupid!
I’m in my mid 40s now and was bullied the whole way through school by various bullies, both male and female, however the teenage years were far worse than anything I’d experienced at primary school. And still to this day, the emotional scars and awful memories are still raw. Bullying really does have a life long impact on the victim!
I mean, your argument might stand up if it was just a bit of childish name calling in the play ground but nothing too severe. But nobody and I mean nobody is going to forgive bullying on a more severe level such as being beaten up for no reason, randomly punched, large stones thrown at them, spat at, kicked, inciting the whole class to join in, constant laughing, whispering, ostracising, breaking your property and back stabbing, threatening to set your hair on fire, threatening to kill your pets and plotting to do bad things to you behind your back and making your life so miserable it’s unbearable.

Nothing pisses me off more than bullies who think they have the absolute god given right to contact me after what they did.
I’ve had quite a few boys who bullied me as a teenager try to ask me out years later and oh boy did I make them feel stupid!!

Couldn’t agree more. And to be fair, if a past bully contacted me I’d absolutely rip them to shreds!
They would see a different person to the low self esteem, lack of confidence and too weak to stand up for myself teenager I once was. I can sure as hell give as good as I get nowadays… with both barrels.
All the bully will do is make themselves look stupid and desperate by contacting someone who they used to bully. We seriously don’t give a shit about the bullies anymore. I couldn’t give a monkeys what they’re doing in life now, whether or not they’re married or whether or not they feel guilty. I honestly don’t care.

Not me but my son bullied a child once at primary school with 4 other boys.
They picked on a child who had a horrible home life. I got called into school with the other mums and I was absolutely mortified, one of the other mums told me she thought school had overreacted as "boys will be boys". I absolutely did not agree with her.
The headteacher had decided they would not be allowed to play out for a week and to apologise to the boy. Fine with me and I grounded him for 2 weeks. When I asked ds why he'd done it, he didn't know apparently he just joined in and hadn't done anything to stop it.
He got the message from me I wouldn't be tolerating that behaviour and he never did it again. The boy whose mum didn't give a shit told me he thought the punishment was a bit harsh and I told him it wasn't harsh enough.
I felt terrible for the boy as he didn't come back to school i think social services had been involved with him which made what they'd done even worse. My ds has told me he regrets it.

Not a bully but used to get in trouble a lot for punching others. Usually bullies or kids that didn't know when to stop. Was excluded from mainstream school for a while due to that and my ADHD.

I was bullied horribly at home by one of my sisters in particular and bullied at primary school. At primary school they took the puss out if my 2nd hand(4th hand ! I was 4th daughter) clothes - worn and dated. I didn’t bully but I sure learned to physically and verbally fight for myself when I was picked on.

I don’t think I ever will contact anyone I feel I was unkind to. I wouldn’t want to bring up any potential bad memories for them.

I did bump into a guy from school a couple of years ago. He told me I had been an asshole. He was nice about it. Said he forgave me and we had a drink together. I didn’t feel any better afterwards, I was mortified but glad he got it off his chest.

If I did cross paths with anyone else that I had been unkind to, I wouldn’t dream of expressing my own shame or guilt but I would like to somehow convey that I am truly sorry.

I’m uncomfortable with the content and the quiet sense of pride in @saltandvineger’s post. Actually, I’m really, really disgusted.

With respect you may feel like this and it’s understandable but others may not

@enwarall nailed it. Bullies are not a homogenous group, and bully for lots of different reasons, some people learn empathy more quickly and easily than others and what you do as children may indicate what you are like in later life or it may not. Once you get into adulthood, behaviours are more likely to indicate set behaviour patterns.

There is always the possibility of change. If people want it enough. @saltandvineger is a good example of this.

This is the worst advice ever

Please don't ever contact victims-it's not fair to us to have the person who put us through hell,to contact us to off-load the guilt they feel

Frankly their guilt isn't my burden

Make a huge donation to an anti bullying charity or even better,volunteer and pay your dues that way

Do NOT contact your victim and say sorry as it won't be appreciated

I cannot stand bullies and it's not for the victims to take the emotional load to make bully feel better about how they behaved and sod how the victim feels at the bully crashing into their lives,squealing that they feel 'awful' and 'guilty'

Quite frankly-good,I hope they do

It’s fairly irrelevant because if someone has been a bully at any age, who is going to trust them (if they know their history) ever again? I wouldn’t.

Have you ever tired to contact those who you bullied to apologise? It might make all the difference to them and you

No it’s not. No one who has witnessed or experienced the life destroying impact of actual bullying is obliged to show kindness to bullies.

I happen to believe that some people are capable of remorse and change and some people just aren’t. Khakitiger is entitled to her view.

Anyone that feels genuine remorse for their behaviour should be willing to accept that it is unforgivable.

@KhakiTigeryou are projecting here. Sorry if it happened to you.
We were asked a question and gave our honest answers.
OP asked why we did it. I did it for attention and to fit in. Because I wasn’t getting any attention elsewhere. I was separated from my friends after primary school and felt like all of the other girls in my year were better than me. I didn’t feel like I was good enough or worthy enough to be friends with them as they all seemed to have nice families and homes and appeared to be loved and cared for. There was a clique of 5 little bitches and I felt they were my only option. I felt more on their level. I didn’t even particularly like them but went along with the bullying style behaviour. I felt so crap about myself that I thought that was my place, my only place. I felt I belonged in the shit heap section of the world.
None of my basic needs were being met at home and I felt worthless due to violence and neglect. Older siblings then took their frustration out on me. I felt trapped, stressed and lonely throughout my teen years.

I did other things that I’m not proud of such as shoplifting. I stole sweets, sanitary towels and shampoo frequently. I treated boyfriends badly due to my insecurities…

If my home life had been better then I am certain that I would have been a better person for it. I wasn’t born nasty. I became nasty for a period of time but I was in a hopeless sad place.
It’s not an excuse. I was aged 12-15 ish when I was unkind to people. We were taught about bullying in primary school, I should have known better.
We aren’t all fundamentally bad people and we can change.
I AM deeply sorry and ashamed. This has haunted me for over 25 years. I so wish I could turn back time.

Hierarchy rings true to my experience.

i was in the middle.

i bullied and was bullied

@Sophiehoney
Oh wow - that sounds horrendous. I agree that some working environments just are toxic. You get few nasty dominant characters with a bit of power and it can really make you question yourself as to why you’re being treated so unfairly.

Very sad to hear of this in a childcare setting too.

I don’t know.

But to me, far more important than the bully, is the fact that they may have ruined another person’s childhood and damaged them to the extent that their whole lives are affected. Nothing they can do in later life can put that right.

This is what I think should be the main concern - not whether we’re being fair to a person who chooses to bully someone else over a sustained period.

A beautiful illustration of the bullying cascade described by PP earlier. 😊

No it’s not ironic at all. No need to be kind to nasty bullies. If you want to entertain them, feel free to indulge.