Have you ever been a bully? Why?

And some children who are pretty, clever, popular, talented and have lovely parents and homes are also bullies.

Pretty sure that's how 99.9 percent of the adults in my life would have described teenage me. Top sets for everything, never had to work for good grades, pretty enough to get anyone I expressed interest in, the big house, the beautiful clothes, the material things, my handsome charming father in his uniform and my engaging witty mother (who locked me in cupboards as a toddler, who wished I was a cot death statistic, who broke my precious primary school art works because it was worthless tat and who told me I was thick because I only scored 97% in my favourite subject). No one saw the drunken rows, no one knew my father almost bled to death in front of me as a 5 year old after a fight with my mother turned nasty or the fact that I had to help mop the blood off the lino.

So despite being pretty, popular, clever and talented by 14 I was so unhappy, I wanted to watch the world burn and being an utter bitch got me the same rush as self harm but without my blood and scars on my skin. I wanted boundaries, I wanted someone to say enough but no one ever did.

I'm still defective on the empathy front which my last psychiatrist put down to my childhood. Becoming a parent improved things a bit and 2 years of therapy helped but I definitely still struggle.

I've been bullied and bullied myself.

I don't feel that embarassed about it. At the end of the day my childhood was relatively trouble free. I think there is a fine line between letting kids get bullied to much and not allowing them to build resiliance for when they encounter the real world, where many interactions might be counted as bullying.

As an adult I did see someone being bullied quite severely once by someone else and driven out of their accomodation. At the time I didn't think it was my fight. In retrospect I am ashamed I didn't stick up for them. That is probably the one bullying incident I regret. Everything else I would put down to learning social interaction, and other people learning their social interaction on me.

I never bullied anyone. I never felt like I was bullied because I thought that I was wasn’t targeted like some of my peers (a particular few who were relentlessly bullied throughout secondary school) but I was definitely picked on.

There was a large group of girls and boys that called themselves the popular ones. One especially was a nasty, nasty girl. Some were fairly clever and were in my top set English class with me. I was so concerned about drawing attention to myself, I refused to speak in English for the whole of year 10 and 11. I went from being predicted an A* to a C. I got a B in the end but the fact I hardly participated in class was solely down to not wanting to be spoken about. I also had red hair and people were so nasty about that. If I dyed it, which I did throughout secondary school, they were even worse. One time, I put my glasses on to see the board in science and then took them off to complete my work. One of the ringleaders laughed at me and said to her friend I was trying to hide my glasses. I remember being so embarrassed at the time!

One of the male group tried to pull me when we were in a club at about 19. I told him to go and f himself because of how he had been at school to me.

Yes. Just once. I bullied the school bully when I was 15. Cornered her in the bathroom, pushed her against the bathroom mirror and threatened to beat the absolute shit out of her if she ever bullied anyone again. I was REALLY studious at school, so not only did word get about, I was also treated better after this. One girl actually contacted me on FB years later, after she left the UK and went back to India. She remembered the bully, and remembered I stopped it. So that was quite nice.

That’s a heartbreaking story.

It’s always a mixture of nature and nurture and some well-intentioned parents are dealt cards that they just don’t know how to deal with.
There’s a long-standing thread on here (perhaps you have read it) by a lovely-sounding woman with a diabolical adult daughter who lives on her parents’ land with her obnoxious boyfriend and showers her parents with abuse to the point they have decided to evict them.
The poster sadly admits that she spoiled her daughter, through love and desire that she should never go without, but given her daughter’s character, this has led them both to a very bad place. It’s sad to read.

Oops - I think that reply was meant for Connieheart! Sorry both.

Thank you!

I still suffer attacks of conscience that I didn’t do enough to help her - but she was adamant she would not leave her school. This may have been connected with her ASD (mild and diagnosed as an adult).

She really is a very lovely person.

I do find psychology fascinating and listen to/read a lot on the subject. I will look this up.

But my perspective is one of personal experience; although I never suffered bullying myself (except the mildest, untraumatic sort), I’m the parent of a severely bullied daughter who has been permanently damaged by what happened to her (by affluent, able, fortunate children) and a teacher who witnessed it happening to some of my students.

The cleverest girl in my class, destined for Oxford, who was also pretty, popular and with great parents, shocked me one day as I was walking into class. Before she knew I was within earshot I heard her being vile to a classmate with mild learning difficulties. Her words wet so cruel and she was relishing the other girl’s inability to defend herself against the mockery and also the laughter of the rest of the group. It chilled me to the bone and I gave her a bloody hard time over it. My only real satisfaction was letting her know (subtly) that she’d lost her good reputation with me. She minded about that.

The victim had a very sad end, I’m afraid.

In secondary I punched someone repeatedly and gave them a nosebleed after their constant bullying.

Someone used to make fun of me. I went back harder and would say the worst things about his mum, dad and siblings. I felt so horrible saying that now. This was in year 8. Come 6th form we'd matured so much and all that animosity was gone. I apologised a lot and he also apologised for being a horrible prick when he was younger. We were friends at the end.

I've said hurtful stuff to people if maybe they said something first. But I crossed then and I felt so bad.

I was never a bully but I would be interested to see if anyone confesses to being a bully as an adult. I was bullied as an adult, by friends and by work colleagues. I suspect they have created narratives as to why they behaved in the way they did, and will never see it as bullying

Wonderful!

If only we could inculcate this kind of attitude into teenagers - the idea that it’s cool and admirable to be courageous and stand up to bullies. I’m sure films etc aimed at teenagers already do this, yet so many still act out the mean-girl behaviour.

CoffeeCantata that's so sad about your daughter. It's often the sweetest, kindest people who are bullied. I've seen plenty of bullies in adulthood. One woman in my team at work bullied a friend of mine at work & she was the loveliest person you could wish to meet. She also wasn't a pushover either so I'm not sure why she chose to bully her. Jealous of her popularity maybe? My manager also bullied her PA. It happens so much between adults

And some children who are pretty, clever, popular, talented and have lovely parents and homes are also bullies. It amuses them and impresses some of their peers.

I was a teacher and I’ve been a parent of a bullied child and I absolutely do not buy this trite theorising that bullies are unfortunate children who are victims themselves.

The ones I saw were most definitely not.

No I was never a bully have many faults but cruelty is not one. Also I was “posh” and studious in a rural comp so mastered keeping my head down.

I witnessed the horrific bullying of a small lad in our year 7 class. One of the other boys stood up and said “this is wrong I’m reporting it” and he did to the head of year. Sweetest loveliest boy ever. His parents should have been so proud of him.

Your perspective is interesting, I personally disagree, but it’s a matter for debate. Did you listen to the 2024 Reith lectures by Gwen Adshead on BBC Radio 4? She’s a forensic psychologist and discusses whether there is such a thing as an ‘evil’ person, or if we are all capable of evil. The last episode includes audience questions from prisoners, including murderers. It’s on BBC Sounds and I think you would find it interesting. Highly recommend it to all on this thread actually!

No. But, if you work in education you see it all the time. The child who is physically and emotionally abused at home, for example, comes to school hungry, angry, hurting, and without the communication or emotional skills to deal with their situation. They act out what they know.
Humans are animals, at the end of the day, and our instinct is survival of the fittest.
Teenage brains are still developing and they develop differently to each other and at different rates. Empathy is an alien concept to those who have never encountered it.
Not excusing bullying, and this isn’t true for all instances of bullying, just giving an example of what PP was saying.

I wasn’t someone’s bully but I remember an incident on the school bus where I bullied a child a year younger than myself when I was 7. This girl had made it known and was very open about having a crush on the same boy I was crushing on. I sang “roses are red, violets are blue….” on the bus and the song incorporated the boy’s name. The girl cried. I was jealous looking back. I know it came from a mean place.

Still feel terrible! I remember apologising when she became visibly upset but I know a part of it was just the fear of getting into trouble. Which I did! They hauled my arse out in front of everyone.

I class it as bullying as this girl had a famous stepfather father and the mum said her children were always bullied at school. I felt awful reading that article in Grazia as a young woman years later.

I’m 99% nice, honest!

Which is why adults should step in appropriately. And in my experience, they didn't. It's easier to label kids as bullies, mean, and also shy or weak, than to step in and resolve what is happening. And those labels really stay with you.

My son is not school age yet but I pray teachers and parents are a bit wiser about these things today than they were 25 years ago.

This 100% and with knobs on.