Have you ever been a bully? Why?

Im answering a question on a thread other people have admitted to bullying when children to yet you haven't come at them is their a reason for this?

This. I'm in my 40's now and still find this difficult. Late diagnosed ASD and ADHD. Angry because I feel like nobody understands me but I don't yet understand myself and embarrasingly I have no close relationships because of this because i recognise I still 'lash out' so instead of being cruel, im percieved as cold. Even my children find me difficult. I have however raised kind caring kids who are nothing like I was when I was a kid and would never bully or be unkind to their peers

Yes when I was 15 someone was bullying my little cousin at school so I started bullying her. Not big, not clever, made me feel a bit shitty but to be honest I think she learned her lesson. What freaked me out was that I was pretty good at bullying. My dad can be a bit of a bully so I guess it’s a bit of a family trait. I’m glad I’m aware of it I guess?

Why should I explain it to you? it was your responsibility, not mine. A 13 year old is three years over being considered criminally responsible for their actions. You knew full well that what you were doing was wrong at 13.

Do you think you were the only 13 year old in your school that had feelings they needed to vent?

You chose to do what you did to other kids because you wanted to and it made you feel better. Other kids found ways, they didn't want to hurt others. You did.

The kids you bullied probably had feelings they needed to vent. They were probably having a hard time at home. That's why you picked on them, you could see they were vulnerable. You took away any chance they had to get any respite from their home life by making their school life shit. For your own needs.

Pretty sure if our own kid was being bullied by a 13 year old you wouldn't say "oh well, explain how a 13 year old can vent their feelings they don't understand".

Which, by the way, doesn't sound like someone who is remorseful.

I know you asked about people who have been bullies but came on to say that no I haven’t.

I’ve always had a heart and wouldn’t never want to deliberately upset anyone who’d done nothing to me. Whenever I saw someone being bullied I always felt a pain in my chest thinking how they must feel.

Human behaviour can be disgusting, I’ve noticed in life that nasty bullies can be the most popular, well liked people, it’s bizarre.

I can only think that people who go out of their way to hurt and intimidated other human beings are a bit wired wrong and have no conscience.

how would they like it if it was their child being bullied?

I think I was briefly when I was around 7. There was a girl who was a well known bully and was really violent. She seemed to choose “friends” by figuring out who was vulnerable. I was one of the people she decided to befriend. I was a mute autistic kid who was bullied in school and completely neglected/abused at home. I was desperate for a friend so joined her group for a while until she bullied this autistic boy by throwing his lunch box under a temporary hut thing and he was really distressed and rocking back and forth so I crawled under and got it back for him. Then I was ostracised from the group and spent the next few weeks being relentlessly bullied by the group until my ex “friend” tried to crack my head open with a loose brick from a wall. When I returned to school she wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know why she bullied as she just seemed to really enjoy hurting people and when I met her parents they seemed really nice but obviously I don’t know.

I think so….had up to go back and check and retrace my chain of thought!

I was picking up on the comment that the craving for power comes from insecurity,which it probably does sometimes, but not always. I don’t think bullies are always insecure, for example. I think some people just enjoy power for its own sake.

Explain how a 13 year old can vent their feelings that they don't even understand

I wasn't a bully. I was more of a sitting target, because I was 'different' (my appearance, my build, my 'posh' accent, my name, the area where I lived, etc. were all ammunition for the bullies). Humans like conformity. It is probably seen as neat and perfect. Thus, anything that is different needs to be hounded and made fun of, to encourage the outliers to toe the line. Sadly, I realised that even my vague attempts to conform didn't mean that I fitted in, and they didn't make me happy, so I gave up bothering. What was the point? (Perhaps this is why I try 'odd' things now, so rather than playing netball for fun, I'd rather do trapeze and aerial silks).

In my case, one of my bullies also had wonky teeth. It's no excuse, but I suspect that he was probably made to feel ashamed of his teeth, and because mine were worse, perhaps he thought I should be made to feel as bad as he did.

I hope that they eventually come to the realisation that, by making themselves feel big and invincible, they made others feel terrible... and feel guilty about that.

Behave, it's not bullying. It's calling out crappy behaviour.

You excused torturing your schoolmates by saying "I had to let it out on someone" no you didn't. There's loads of other ways you could have vented your feelings.

You literally chose to hurt others to make yourself better. Which most people would agree is pretty psychotic behaviour. Then tried to say you "had to" do it which is also pretty psychotic.

@CoffeeCantata I assumed as you were replying to me it was a discussion with me...

I was bullied but I am ashamed to say that to make myself feel better or look better in the eyes of the bullies, I was mean to a couple of girls in my year at school that I used to be friends with and was a bitch to them. Things like not talking to them and pulling faces at one of them (although i was 14 at the time so I must have been really immature). I still feel bad about it. Both their mums complained to my mum about it after which I stopped. I thought it would gain me acceptance but I was still bullied and it didn’t work. So I’d say it was nuanced to an extent. My home life was also shit - my dad was violent and I had to leave all my friends and move to a different country. But it’s no excuse at all and as I say I still feel bad. I’ve never bullied anyone as an adult.

The difference is though I grew out of it and didn't turn into an adult bully like yourself. On a page about bullying do you think it acceptable to call someone a psycho

Thanks so much. She still has no close friends and no one to celebrate her birthday with. She’s very insecure about other people and I think always will be. Her bullies are all mums now with great careers but my daughter, despite 2 excellent degrees, works in the local pub because she can’t cope with the pressure of a career or office politics.

This sounds as though I’m disappointed in her - I’m so not! I know what she went through and have infinite sympathy for her but as a family we are positive and cheerful and celebrate her talents and achievements.

My son never had these problems - it’s such a difficult thing to fathom. But psychologically I think if you’ve suffered sustained bullying it becomes hard-wired into your mind and it’s really hard to heal.

It is very weird looking back, because I can see how awful I was, but I distinctly remember feeling entitled to even the score. I think I was lucky because there was a genuine anti-bullying culture at my school, so my behaviour was outside the norm and quickly spotted and stopped.

My sister was four years younger and went to a different school and also went through a phase of being a horrible bully. Her school were shit at dealing with it though so it went on much longer and it fell into a pattern of various groups of kids generally being awful to each other because it was just an expected way for teens to behave. She snapped herself out of it at about 14 and distanced herself from her old friends and is now a very nice person.

We've talked about it occasionally, particularly now we have kids ourselves, about how we were raised to be bullies under the guise of toughening us up. If anyone complained about it, they were told "its teaching you not to be a wimp" and to be frank, if news of what I had done had ever got home, my parents would have justified it too.

I’m really sorry about your girl as well going through this. It’s bloody awful

Did you, though? Because I guarantee there were plenty of other kids in your school who were also very unhappy and didn't select someone to take it out on.

Since bullies usually pick the most vulnerable victims, chances are you made another kid who was also very unhappy even unhappier while giving yourself an outlet. Their only relief might have been school and they didn't get that relief because you needed to take it out on them.

I'd feel awful too if I did that but I'm not a psycho, so I didn't.

This really resonates with me. I was an absolute cunt in early high school years. Home life was rough but no excuse and I'd do anything to go back and be kind to everyone I took the piss out of.

My thoughts were moving along, inspired by your comment. Isn’t that how discussions work?

I think bullying has to be a sustained campaign. It’s not nice to be mean ever, but a one-off incident isn’t really the same as bullying. It’s the day after day continual, cumulative humiliation and mental torture that can destroy the victim.

I’m sure it can do - but I don’t think it explains every case of bullying.

I never said it did....

I'm not sure it would be classed as bullying because it was a one off. A couple of girls were teasing another girl, I joined in and laughed. The girl left class in tears. Seeing that she cried made me feel really bad and I didn't do it again. If she hadn't shown it had upset her I'm not sure if I would have come to the realisation of how wrong it was straight away.
I did it because the other girls looked like they were enjoying it and I wanted to be part of that. I didn't think of how it could effect her. The impact of bullying wasn't really talked about when I was at school. If I knew then that some children never get over it and some end their lives I don't think I would've done it. I knew violence was wrong but it was very much sticks and stones break bones and words don't hurt back then.

I dont think i have, I was bullied at school and in some of the jobs I have had.

One thing im very worried about is being caught up in mob mentality, herd mentality, pack mentality or that kind of thing. I know its kind of stupid (and it doesn't keep me awake at night)

I’m so sorry your beautiful daughter went through this and I sincerely hope she recovers. I’ve always thought the best revenge against pathetic bullies is to go on and have a happy life and I am so wishing this for your girl.

As a kid who was relentlessly bullied at secondary school, it brings me comfort that bullies DO grow up and feel shit about what you did.