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Original poster

Did DP overreact?

89 replies

TipsyPlumUser · 10/09/2025 15:07

My fiancé and I went to the pub after work yesterday, each just had one pint. We were on great form, talking about a venue we’ve found and are happy to wait for however long it takes to save for it. We have a lot of banter between us, eg he knows there’s certain things I find gross and he will enjoy saying them to watch my face.

His pet name for me is silly pants because I’m clumsy and make lots of faux pas all the time.

After the pub we went to the nearby supermarket. As we walked in he said ‘I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

He said ‘why do you always piss on my parade?’ I laughed as it’s the sort of thing we would say in response to the other as part of our silliness. But his face changed and he looked angry.

i was previously in a very abusive relationship- I had to spend time in refuge- and so the shift out of nowhere panicked me. I said ‘are you joking?’ And he directed us down a quiet aisle where he said I was pissing on his parade and he doesn’t like it. Again, not expecting any of it I said ‘are you being serious?’ Not in an incredulous tone, I was saying it in a ‘oh no, I didn’t mean it like that’ sort of tone… he paused, said ok, if you didn’t mean it you can give me a cuddle and a kiss to make up for it.

At that point I didn’t want to as none of what was going on made sense and I felt really unnerved. We walked to the car in silence and he only spoke to me as we pulled up outside the house. He does have form for that- only speaking to me before we get somewhere to smoothe it over, and his daughter was over last night.

When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass. I said he made me feel like things from mv past and he said I should blame my past not him, he has to walk on eggshells etc.

i brought up how he also is too interested in my counselling sessions and if I tell him about something I find useful he will go online, research and debunk it. He said his degree was in psychology and it interests him.

was I completely out of order?

OP posts:
Original poster
TipsyPlumUser · 10/09/2025 15:42

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:11

Well this sounds like a relationship that should definitely go to the next level and marry one another. Or not

I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

what a peculiar response from you. Rude actually .

i don’t think so, not in the context and he said while was talking so I said it as an off the cuff response to him jumping in with something random while I was answering a question about his children’s logistics

OP posts:
Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:41

TipsyPlumUser · 10/09/2025 15:41

She’s over 18

Show quote history

just the one child?

Original poster
TipsyPlumUser · 10/09/2025 15:41

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:13

When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass.

difficult to comment but it is concerning that you were stressed and your immediate response is to drink alcohol

how old is his daughter ?

She’s over 18

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 10/09/2025 15:37

I think @outerspacepotato has completely hit the nail on the head. He's shitting himself that your counselling is going to show him up for the abusive twat he really is. And he was definitely trying to scare you by doing the emotional switch flick. I remember that kind of thing well and just how scary it was to be on constant tenterhooks in case he all of a sudden did a switch. Please be careful and I'd definitely be getting ready to leave

Rusalina · 10/09/2025 15:35

I think it’s reasonable to be irritated by your comment, even if you do normally have that sort of rapport. My husband is very jokey but it drives me mad at certain points - sometimes, I would just like a normal, boring chat without the need to insert stupid jokes everywhere.

However I think this issue is a red herring - I am actually really concerned by the other things in your post. I have a hunch that your partner is a wrongun.

outerspacepotato · 10/09/2025 15:29

If he has a psychology degree, he should know NOT to try to weasel out what you're saying in your counseling sessions. He doesn't respect confidentiality and that is a giant, giant red flag. I think he's trying to find out if you've recognized he's emotionally abusive yet.

His debunking of techniques you find useful is also another giant red flag. He's tearing something you find supportive down.

He doesn't respect your autonomy, shown by him negging you having a simple drink after you got home. Also shown by his trying to find out what you're talking about about in counseling. Also shown by him enjoying saying gross things you don't like to see your reaction.

His saying he has to walk on eggshells was what is called DARVO. It's a technique used by abusive people to play the victim. I hardly see him walking on eggshells when he's saying gross things to you he knows you don't like and tearing down techniques you've found supportive.

His change of face in the supermarket, my thoughts are he thought you were a bit rude and he's trying to scare you

You need boundaries with this guy ASAP. No questions about your counseling. Those sessions are private. Do not share anything about that with him. Those are private. You can't be really open in the session if you have to worry about reporting to your fiance after.

I think you've found another abuser who hides it better. He negs you, he tramples your boundaries, he's controlling, he tries to tear down your supports. I think he'll try to stop your counseling at some point.

I'd be gone.

nutbrownhare15 · 10/09/2025 15:20

On the face of it, you were being jokey and he got offended. Not necessarily a big deal but he made it one. Does he really think you always piss on his parade? Silent treatment is a big red flag. Debunking what you say isn't great. Are these indicative of his general attitude to you do you think?

BeltaLodaLife · 10/09/2025 15:19

You absolutely cannot bring up your past relationship and judge him by it. That’s your issue to sort. It’s a red line. He cannot go through his life having to be careful he doesn’t say something which you take the wrong way.

Your response to his comment was flippant and rude, despite his comment being weird about loving the supermarket. Him demanded a hug and kiss when you were feeling off was out of line. And silent treatment over something so small is also out of line.

Just doesn’t sound like you get really get on. Someone has mentioned your previous threads and hinted that this is a bad relationship. Maybe you should reflect on that?

PinkyFlamingo · 10/09/2025 15:17

What did you "carry on prattling on" about?

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 10/09/2025 15:16

I think it’s hard to advise. If you felt uncomfortable, then you felt that. But I do wonder how much of that is because of your history and how much is the dynamic of your current relationship.

My instinct initially would be to say you ribbed him and he took offence, but then he was happy to dissipate the situation where you wanted to drag it over the evening.

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:16

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PsychoHotSauce · 10/09/2025 15:13

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:11

Well this sounds like a relationship that should definitely go to the next level and marry one another. Or not

I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

what a peculiar response from you. Rude actually .

It's a fucking supermarket. If anyone said, 'I really love Asda' to me, my face would be Confused 'ok then!'

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:13

When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass.

difficult to comment but it is concerning that you were stressed and your immediate response is to drink alcohol

how old is his daughter ?

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:11

Well this sounds like a relationship that should definitely go to the next level and marry one another. Or not

I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

what a peculiar response from you. Rude actually .