Page 2 | Did DP overreact?

TipsyPlumUser · 2025-09-10T14:07:23+00:00

My fiancé and I went to the pub after work yesterday, each just had one pint. We were on great form, talking about a venue we’ve found and are happy to wait for however long it takes to save for it. We have a lot of banter between us, eg he knows there’s certain things I find gross and he will enjoy saying them to watch my face. His pet name for me is silly pants because I’m clumsy and make lots of faux pas all the time. After the pub we went to the nearby supermarket. As we walked in he said ‘I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on. He said ‘why do you always piss on my parade?’ I laughed as it’s the sort of thing we would say in response to the other as part of our silliness. But his face changed and he looked angry. i was previously in a very abusive relationship- I had to spend time in refuge- and so the shift out of nowhere panicked me. I said ‘are you joking?’ And he directed us down a quiet aisle where he said I was pissing on his parade and he doesn’t like it. Again, not expecting any of it I said ‘are you being serious?’ Not in an incredulous tone, I was saying it in a ‘oh no, I didn’t mean it like that’ sort of tone… he paused, said ok, if you didn’t mean it you can give me a cuddle and a kiss to make up for it. At that point I didn’t want to as none of what was going on made sense and I felt really unnerved. We walked to the car in silence and he only spoke to me as we pulled up outside the house. He does have form for that- only speaking to me before we get somewhere to smoothe it over, and his daughter was over last night. When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass. I said he made me feel like things from mv past and he said I should blame my past not him, he has to walk on eggshells etc. i brought up how he also is too interested in my counselling sessions and if I tell him about something I find useful he will go online, research and debunk it. He said his degree was in psychology and it interests him. was I completely out of order?

TreadLightly3 · 12/09/2025 21:48

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

BellissimoGecko · 12/09/2025 21:37

outerspacepotato · 10/09/2025 15:29

If he has a psychology degree, he should know NOT to try to weasel out what you're saying in your counseling sessions. He doesn't respect confidentiality and that is a giant, giant red flag. I think he's trying to find out if you've recognized he's emotionally abusive yet.

His debunking of techniques you find useful is also another giant red flag. He's tearing something you find supportive down.

He doesn't respect your autonomy, shown by him negging you having a simple drink after you got home. Also shown by his trying to find out what you're talking about about in counseling. Also shown by him enjoying saying gross things you don't like to see your reaction.

His saying he has to walk on eggshells was what is called DARVO. It's a technique used by abusive people to play the victim. I hardly see him walking on eggshells when he's saying gross things to you he knows you don't like and tearing down techniques you've found supportive.

His change of face in the supermarket, my thoughts are he thought you were a bit rude and he's trying to scare you

You need boundaries with this guy ASAP. No questions about your counseling. Those sessions are private. Do not share anything about that with him. Those are private. You can't be really open in the session if you have to worry about reporting to your fiance after.

I think you've found another abuser who hides it better. He negs you, he tramples your boundaries, he's controlling, he tries to tear down your supports. I think he'll try to stop your counseling at some point.

I'd be gone.

Exactly this. He doesn’t sound like a good person at all. Too many red flags.

Twilight7777 · 12/09/2025 21:34

outerspacepotato · 10/09/2025 15:29

If he has a psychology degree, he should know NOT to try to weasel out what you're saying in your counseling sessions. He doesn't respect confidentiality and that is a giant, giant red flag. I think he's trying to find out if you've recognized he's emotionally abusive yet.

His debunking of techniques you find useful is also another giant red flag. He's tearing something you find supportive down.

He doesn't respect your autonomy, shown by him negging you having a simple drink after you got home. Also shown by his trying to find out what you're talking about about in counseling. Also shown by him enjoying saying gross things you don't like to see your reaction.

His saying he has to walk on eggshells was what is called DARVO. It's a technique used by abusive people to play the victim. I hardly see him walking on eggshells when he's saying gross things to you he knows you don't like and tearing down techniques you've found supportive.

His change of face in the supermarket, my thoughts are he thought you were a bit rude and he's trying to scare you

You need boundaries with this guy ASAP. No questions about your counseling. Those sessions are private. Do not share anything about that with him. Those are private. You can't be really open in the session if you have to worry about reporting to your fiance after.

I think you've found another abuser who hides it better. He negs you, he tramples your boundaries, he's controlling, he tries to tear down your supports. I think he'll try to stop your counseling at some point.

I'd be gone.

This!

ReadingTime · 12/09/2025 21:20

outerspacepotato · 10/09/2025 15:29

If he has a psychology degree, he should know NOT to try to weasel out what you're saying in your counseling sessions. He doesn't respect confidentiality and that is a giant, giant red flag. I think he's trying to find out if you've recognized he's emotionally abusive yet.

His debunking of techniques you find useful is also another giant red flag. He's tearing something you find supportive down.

He doesn't respect your autonomy, shown by him negging you having a simple drink after you got home. Also shown by his trying to find out what you're talking about about in counseling. Also shown by him enjoying saying gross things you don't like to see your reaction.

His saying he has to walk on eggshells was what is called DARVO. It's a technique used by abusive people to play the victim. I hardly see him walking on eggshells when he's saying gross things to you he knows you don't like and tearing down techniques you've found supportive.

His change of face in the supermarket, my thoughts are he thought you were a bit rude and he's trying to scare you

You need boundaries with this guy ASAP. No questions about your counseling. Those sessions are private. Do not share anything about that with him. Those are private. You can't be really open in the session if you have to worry about reporting to your fiance after.

I think you've found another abuser who hides it better. He negs you, he tramples your boundaries, he's controlling, he tries to tear down your supports. I think he'll try to stop your counseling at some point.

I'd be gone.

This is how I read it too. I think he’s testing the waters OP to see if it’s time to start messing with your head.

Gawwwd · 12/09/2025 21:14

BauhausOfEliott · 10/09/2025 16:49

No, it isn’t fucking concerning. And neither was the OP rude to jokingly say ‘good for you’ when her fiancé praised a bloody supermarket. It’s a completely normal bit of jokey conversation that normal couple would have.

OP, your fiancé’s behaviour worries me. He sounds manipulative and controlling. I’m particularly worried about his over-interest in your therapy and the fact that he constantly wants to undermine the progress you and your therapist have made by proving it ‘wrong’ with his ‘research’. That’s a really insidious form of control/manipulation. Particularly from a man who knows you have been in an abusive relationship.

Not mad keen on him highlighting your clumsiness/occasional mistakes by calling you ‘silly pants’ either.

If I were in your shoes I would be thinking very carefully about whether I carried on with this relationship because I think you’ve spotted some red flags here.

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Agree very much with all of this

Pallisers · 12/09/2025 21:09

His pet name for me is silly pants because I’m clumsy and make lots of faux pas all the time.

Did he tell you that? Does anyone else in your life call you silly pants. I'd dump him for that tbh. He is supposed to admire and love you not denigrate and play games with you.

RogueFemale · 12/09/2025 21:06

BauhausOfEliott · 10/09/2025 16:49

No, it isn’t fucking concerning. And neither was the OP rude to jokingly say ‘good for you’ when her fiancé praised a bloody supermarket. It’s a completely normal bit of jokey conversation that normal couple would have.

OP, your fiancé’s behaviour worries me. He sounds manipulative and controlling. I’m particularly worried about his over-interest in your therapy and the fact that he constantly wants to undermine the progress you and your therapist have made by proving it ‘wrong’ with his ‘research’. That’s a really insidious form of control/manipulation. Particularly from a man who knows you have been in an abusive relationship.

Not mad keen on him highlighting your clumsiness/occasional mistakes by calling you ‘silly pants’ either.

If I were in your shoes I would be thinking very carefully about whether I carried on with this relationship because I think you’ve spotted some red flags here.

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100% agree

arcticpandas · 12/09/2025 21:01

You are in an abusive relationship @TipsyPlumUser. You're not allowed to go out without him, coercing you for sex, silent treatment, undermining your therapists advice.

Run!!!!

Confusdworriedmum · 12/09/2025 20:59

GiveDogBone · 12/09/2025 18:21

I see the man-haters are out in force in this thread. You basically belittled him, refused to show him a tiny amount of affection as an apology and then headed straight for the bottle when you returned home. And that’s all his fault, somehow.

But please do take their advice to dump him, he’d be so much better off with you.

So giving OP the silent treatment is okay?
And trying to ruin any progress she makes in therapy is also okay?
And him demanding affection when she doesn't want to is okay?
I usually defend men if they deserve it but this man doesn't deserve defending. He's abusive.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/09/2025 20:46

@TipsyPlumUser DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN

Lots of red flag behaviour in this thread alone and I haven't even read your other threads that people have mentioned. 🚩🚩🚩

usedtobeaylis · 12/09/2025 20:46

I'm so confused - you haven't been out of order in anything you've said. He sounds like exactly the kind of person that does make people walk on eggshells.

CluelessAboutBiology · 12/09/2025 20:43

if I tell him about something I find useful he will go online, research and debunk it. He said his degree was in psychology and it interests him.

OP, did he mention he had a degree in psychology before this? Maybe I’m overly suspicious to think that he’s only saying that to “justify” his “research”.

I’m a nosey so-and-so, so I’d be trying to find out if a) he has a degree and b) what in

Nearly50omg · 12/09/2025 20:33

Did you do the freedom course when you left your last abusive relationship so you learnt what to look out for and not to go for an abusive man again? That’s what happens. We end up going for the same type of abusive man over and over again unless we break the cycle ….you haven’t broken the cycle…you’ve just picked up Jekyll and Hyde instead unfortunately

MaurineWayBack · 12/09/2025 20:30

He is controlling sorry @TipsyPlumUser

The fa t he is asking about your counselling sessions. He should know better than doing that! (And really your only answer shpuld be ‘it’s private. I’m not telling you’)

But going to ‘debunk’ what your counsellor told you? Why? Why does he think it’s helpful to put down your counsellor and make them look unprofessional? Why the need to piss on your parade and tell you that whatever you’re doing is shit?
Thats not being helpful. It’s negging.

Staying silent until you arrive somewhere to smooth things down sounds like stonewalling/punishing you and then nudging you into acting as if nothing happened.

The wine? Unless you’re an alcoholic, there was no need. Nothing in your behaviour was screaming ‘should stop drinking’.

And the last one about it being your problem due to your past and not his? Well his degree in psychology should tell him he is refusing to take any responsibility into his behaviour, ask himself if maybe he got things wrong or to take you, your feelings into account. Instead it’s all ‘your past, your problem. Don’t care’.

Seriously, it’s only a long list of issue and 🚩🚩🚩 about him for an off cut comment that really didn’t require any comment.

Look, your body is screaming at you something is wrong. Listen to it!
And stop telling him anything about your counsellingq session. Start talking about him instead!!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/09/2025 20:16

I haven't read your other threads, but
you are not going to marry him - are you !

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 12/09/2025 20:15

Most of the people commenting won’t recognise this behaviour (I’m glad about that). I think he is a covert narc and I think you should tell your therapist about these interactions to get their opinion. Silly pants is a very infantile nickname and because you are clumsy it’s a way of deriding you for that but in a way that you think is okay - he doesn’t want to lose you until it’s too late. Commenting on you having a wine after one pint is implying you have a problem, covert narcs will use anything to make you feel crap. I am completely teetotal but I cannot see a problem with this amount of alcohol, she’s his daughter not yours and you are not yet married, unless you are 6st I doubt that you would be incapable of being a responsible adult after 2-3 drinks when her Dad is also in the house. The debunking of a professional opinion is also a narc trait, for example I have been told by a narc that I probably don’t need medication for a disorder that I was likely born with (diagnosed in 20’s) and in the history of medical research has never been reversed by any method but narcs think they know better than anyone. Lastly, the silent treatment and then expecting you to be fine is textbook narcissism. It is a term thrown around a lot but I have lived this. Keep a note (mental if needs be) and speak to the therapist please.

Northquit · 12/09/2025 20:05

Is it too late to get untangled from him.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 12/09/2025 20:01

@TipsyPlumUser

Were you or both of you drinking on an empty stomach?

Also - is your username relevant? Like someone else mentioned, when stressed you went straight in to pour a glass of wine. Is all ok with you in that respect?

Your "good for you" comment was a bit weird.

Petrolitis · 12/09/2025 19:55

I remember your tent thread OP.

You need to end things. This man is abusive

Pregnancyquestion · 12/09/2025 19:54

You obviously don’t think ‘good for you’ is not rude otherwise you wouldn’t have said it,

If someone said that to me, and I would say something stupid like I love this supermarket, if I’m in m&s and looking for some random lovely foods I might say something similar. And if I was saying it authentically and someone said ‘good for you’ I’d probably feel a bit cut and embarrassed. It’s deffo something that’s said with an eye roll.

His reaction probably was OTT, saying you always rain on his parade - unless you do? Maybe reflect just in case. I then think you probably did react badly due to you past which is fair enough. I’d probably not try and bring it up in an argument. Better to have a calm conversation about what you may find triggering. Saying it then almost accuses him of abuse

Silverbirchleaf · 12/09/2025 19:52

‘Good for you’ is quite a patronising response. I can understand why he got upset at this. It’s quite dismissive and implies that his opinion doesn’t really count for anything.

Owly11 · 12/09/2025 19:50

The way you talk about your fiancé and the relationship feels a bit weird. Eg ‘we were on great form’ sounds a bit jarring. Replying ‘ good for you’ to him saying he loved the supermarket sounds dismissive. However the way he talks to you also sounds weird. My instinct is that this relationship sounds toxic and not very nice. If I were you I wouldn’t get married to this guy.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2025 19:38

GiveDogBone · 12/09/2025 18:21

I see the man-haters are out in force in this thread. You basically belittled him, refused to show him a tiny amount of affection as an apology and then headed straight for the bottle when you returned home. And that’s all his fault, somehow.

But please do take their advice to dump him, he’d be so much better off with you.

Are you a man?

Itiswhysofew · 12/09/2025 19:24

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:41

just the one child?

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Silent treatment and wanting to debunk you. This doesnt sound good.

Megifer · 12/09/2025 19:17

He sounds like a proper melt op