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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay for everything- need opinions please

115 replies

justagirloct · 10/09/2025 13:57

I don't know what to do anymore, I have been with my partner for 5 years, prior to this I was living alone with my eldest 2 children. He moved in within a year but has never paid or contributed to any bills or household costs. I am self employed and work very hard, he was employed in a full time job when we met but he hated and worked long hours- he left a couple of years ago to persue a self employed career with my backing, I bought the equipment and even helped with jobs. This has now been 2 years but he isn't showing any drive or ambition whilst I am continuing to pay for everything, taking on more and more work to cover costs-on my days off I like to have family days or days out again which I have to pay for, I wouldn't mind but he never seems grateful or even like he really wants to be there.

He has recently taken an ad hoc job but it's very irregular and so far any money made has not contributed to anything other than spending money for himself. We have also gone on to have a child who is 18 months old so I also provide everything for him. I am so tired of this situation and question if he stays for the wrong reasons. He is a good man, he does jobs round the house but with all financial pressure and 3 children to support (I also do all the life admin of schools, doctors, clubs etc) I really am at breaking point and it's making me question if I love him anymore down to what feels like complete lack of respect. When I try to talk to him he appears to listen but does nothing to change. It's making me extremely down as it feels very one sided and he doesn't care about my wellbeing at all.

I desperately don't want to bring up my youngest son alone and want to make it work but resentment is building, most of the time he doesn't even seem to like me and to be honest I can see why as I've become more distant and snappy as I just never thought I'd put myself in this position.

I also recently downgraded the tv package to just basic (with Netflix and prime) but got rid of the extras and sport to save money. It's a daily demand now that we need to get the others back- something me or the kids aren't bothered about. I have said I'm not paying for it as I have plenty of other things that take priority but he's getting increasingly annoyed about it. I don't want to cause conflict but not do I want to have football on all the time that I have to pay for 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Can anyone offer any advice? I really don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 10/09/2025 16:54

He’s no example to your child, and isn’t going to change

Better you split and the child learns crap behaviour isn’t rewarded by being a CF and being allowed to get away with it

MarxistMags · 10/09/2025 16:51

Make a list. Write down all your spending.
Then on a fresh sheet of paper write down all his spending.
Discuss calmly and see if you can reach an agreement about sharing expenses going forward.

DaisyChain505 · 10/09/2025 16:49

This relationship isn’t going to change or get better.

He has zero respect for you.

No decent person would move into someone’s home when they’re already trying to raise two children and not pay their way let alone when they then go on to produce another child with that person.

If he can’t show you respect, have some for yourself and end this.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 10/09/2025 16:49

He contributes or goes!

Gettingbysomehow · 10/09/2025 16:46

Stop being a complete mug and chuck him out. In future don't let a man move in and don't pay for anything of his. It just leads to them treating you like dirt.
A decent man will pay his own way.

InBedBy10 · 10/09/2025 16:43

Stop making excuses for him - he has no one, he might be depressed, he has self esteem issues 🙄

What about you? You're drowning emotionally and financially and he couldn't care less. If you and the kids are all he has, why isn't he cherishing you? Because he doesnt care about you, that's why. This grown man is not your responsibility.

You really need to work on your self esteem OP. The first big mistake you made was letting him move in without discussing rent/bills etc. This man has no respect for you.

EveryDayisFriday · 10/09/2025 16:42

Urgh, I hate the tales of cocklodgers. Do yourself a favour OP, have some dignity and move on from him.

Original poster
justagirloct · 10/09/2025 16:40

I'm hearing you all loud and clear. Please don't see my as a victim or stupid I really am neither I completely see I have done nothing but 'enable'. To be honest I wrote it as I am tired of having the internal feelings and wanted to read it back it black and white for clarity.
I am going to set a timeframe for complete change- I have never 'settled' before and won't allow myself to now. As for having a child with him, that I don't regret, he is the best thing ever and knowing I can decently raise children alone does not bother me. I think my kindness is just being taken for weakness and that is something I will not stand for.

Oh and to anger you all a little, last time we had a heated argument about all the above, he called me a narcissist...

Also to clarify he is not a stay at home dad- I do the majority of childcare also and the 2 days that I do the bulk of my work my youngest son goes to my parents.

OP posts:
FOJN · 10/09/2025 16:31

You've been financially supporting a man for 4 years, had a baby with him and are surprised that he's showing no inclination to make any financial contribution to either the household or expenses for his child?

You have exactly the life you chose. You can choose a different one anytime you like. You will have to stop assuming you are responsible for housing and funding a cock lodger first though. I appreciate this sounds harsh but for the love of god grow a back bone and find some self respect. The only way to fix this is to show the freeloader the door. It's your choice.

Birdy1982 · 10/09/2025 16:24

It doesn’t sound like a relationship
It sounds as though you have an extra teenager in the house

ThejoyofNC · 10/09/2025 16:23

OP something made you post this so I'm wondering what you're hoping to get? You knew what people would say so do you think you just needed to hear it with a bit of MN brutal honesty?

Do you want practical advice or just assurance that you're doing the right thing if you kick him out?

I understand you're sad about the situation with your baby but unfortunately you did walk into this one with your eyes open as he was the same before and after. The only thing you can do now is control the examples and influences you allow them to grow up around.

yeesh · 10/09/2025 16:22

Total madness to live like this. I think Netflix is the least of your problems tbh but just tell him that if he wants it he should pay for it. Lazy bastard. He’s not a good man by the way, he’s a millstone around your neck dragging you down.

mylittlekomododragon · 10/09/2025 16:21

Well your excuses show you’re not going to kick him out, so you’re stuck with the cocklodging freeloader. What a sorry excuse for a man.

Bumblebee72 · 10/09/2025 16:19

He's not a good man if he doesn't even try to contribute anything. It's such a shame you've had a child with the cocklodger before you could realise and kick him out.

ThisOldThang · 10/09/2025 16:19

Is it fair to say that he's a SAHP? Is this something that's developed/continued from him looking after the kids and you working?

TwistedWonder · 10/09/2025 16:17

REDB99 · 10/09/2025 16:07

Yep he’s a cock lodger, no man moves in that quickly with a woman who has kids unless he needs a place to live and can free load. I’d be kicking him out, you can clearly manage without him.

Agree. No one falls in love as quickly as a man who wants a roof over his head. They have an ability to sniff out the women who will accept their freeloading - they know what they’re doing.

Mumptynumpty · 10/09/2025 16:17

I've said this before. You don't love him. You love a filtered version of him you have created in your head. You are projecting your idea of a good man onto him.

A good partner does not take without giving more in return.

He won't change. He has no need to. You are buying this relationship and good partners can't be bought.

Have a trial of the next four weeks. Say no. A lot. Have high expectations. A lot. Fill not a single gap. No cleaning, shopping, treats, or anything. Then see where your sulky, entitled partner is when you stop being the sugar daddy.

workshy46 · 10/09/2025 16:12

What were you thinking .. seriously I can’t fathom any of this and to have a child with him. Get rid of him if you have an ounce of self respect yet. He’s a complete and utter user and loser

Ilovelifeverymuch · 10/09/2025 16:09

Sounds like he hit the jackpot, no incentive to work or try harder.

REDB99 · 10/09/2025 16:07

Yep he’s a cock lodger, no man moves in that quickly with a woman who has kids unless he needs a place to live and can free load. I’d be kicking him out, you can clearly manage without him.

HAF1119 · 10/09/2025 16:05

Sorry but throw this one away. Know it’s not easy with a child involved but he doesn’t appreciate you. That alone would be enough to say bye for me

Hankunamatata · 10/09/2025 16:04

Stop enabling him
Stop making excuses for him
Give him a deadline to get a job with regular income and he neds to leave

Hoppinggreen · 10/09/2025 16:02

Why is he a "good Man" exactly?

DaisyChain505 · 10/09/2025 15:59

You need to get some self respect, raise your bar on how you think a relationship should work between two people and ditch this absolutely pathetic loser.

PiggyPigalle · 10/09/2025 15:58

As you want him there helping to raise your youngest, and a fine example he will set, you will have to pay for him.
When he's bled you dry, your child is at Uni and the leech has shacked up with a younger, richer version of you, you'll wish that 10/09/2025 was the day you chucked him out.