To ask DH to keep our BTL

I’ll have to use our joint account but I now he’ll start making comments about my spending, in particular on things he considers superfluous

Ok, so he isn’t going to cut you off financially. He isn’t expecting you to work. The worst that’s going to happen is he will be able to see what you’re spending and comment on it.

If he thinks aspects of your spending are unreasonable, it seems sensible that you discuss this together like adults, rather than hiding it.

That said, there is the option to do your spending on a credit card paid off by the joint account - that way he can only see the credit card total not the individual items. But he may question the total. Or, of course, get a job.

I don’t recognise it. I work with a lot of City workers and the majority are either gay, divorced or have working wives.

Listing tasks doesn’t elevate then to status of equivalent To a job
Housewife isn’t a job. Doing your own chores isn’t a job. Feeding your children isn’t a job

And if that's the "package" OP's DH wants why would he disrupt the setup by cutting off her only income? That doesn't make sense.

He/they (plural) have been benefitting from the use of her identity, a benefit he wouldn’t be getting if it weren’t for their relationship. In that way he has avoided (legally) paying some tax, so she is rightly entitled to that dividend for herself, which he seems to have recognised. Now that he doesn’t want to use her/their marriage like that anymore he is trying to force her to end the deal, to her detriment. She is right to put up a fight if she doesn’t agree. However, if she can’t hold onto the property independently from him ultimately she will have to sell. But she is entitled to seek advice and try to find an alternative source of income first, whilst setting new terms in the household about who will cover the work she currently does ‘for free’ as a SAHM.

All I’m saying is, she needs to take control and recognise that the use of her identity and her ‘free labour’ in marriage should always benefit both of them equally in the partnership, as should his paid labour. If he is anything like my dad, he won’t see it that way and he will take every advantage he can and leave her destitute when he tires of her because he was the one who ‘earned the money’. The OP needs to wake up and start protecting herself.

Or there has been, but OP just isn't sharing her DH's POV about it.

This! It seems like a lot of things were not discussed clearly. I have seen a lot of women who were SAHM whose husbands expected them to go back to work when the kids went to school, and several who found that very traumatic or who flatly did not want to. I dont feel it is reasonable to expect to continue to SAHM to be honest, but I can also see it is hard to change or give up.

None of these are full time jobs, unless you choose to make them so.

That’s good for you. My children see that a husband and wife can work together to make each other’s lives easier, so they don’t have two exhausted parents. Instead, we get to spend more quality time together enjoying hobbies and traveling. With smart investments and savings, it’s possible to live comfortably because life is meant for living.

I didn't state private schools include wraparound. I said the ones near me do.

Here's what I said to prevent you scrolling back:
OP has not said what school her DC go to.
So you have no idea whether wraparound care is including in the fees (as it is for private schools near me) or not.

Your statement was that wraparound is an extra cost and you did not indicate that this was only true at some schools.

this is what you said
No you pay additional fee for after school and breakfast club, not included in fees

You cannot possibly know whether OP's school charges as extra or includes in the fees, as she's not said what school it is.

That's why I said MOST. I can't help it if you picked a school that doesn't. The majority of parents will still need to get a job and pay for the wraparound.

No she didn't. I said MOST private schools do. The vast majority of private schools I've encountered offer care from 8:00-5:30 within the cost of the fees.

and my school doesn’t. It’s an additional charge

Where? Well, i live on the Surrey / South West London border and it is pretty common here. The men work in finance, media, law etc in London and they have big houses with stay at home wives. Places like Weybridge, Cobham, Esher are chock full of families like this.

I stayed at home when we adopted two children with a lot of additional needs and I ended up becoming a full time carer. So I knew a lot of other stay at home wives.

What job did you do before? Why can't you manage the BTL?

Nearly all the private schools near me offer wraparound care as standard.

No, you stated private school fees include wrap round that is not a universal
Equally,you clearly don’t know that school fees don’t include after school and wrap round care.

100% this ^^ ,

Where?

My daughter sees that women can do more than domestic chores, can be equal partners, can have ambition and that dads can do everything mums can do.

We manage to sort out uniforms and homework and personal hygiene whilst working full time, travelling, maintaining hobbies and studying.

Please be careful OP. He used your name and identity to dodge tax. Now that he no longer has that use for you, he is removing your access to the income that tax dodge generated.

@Wetoldyousaurus Come on..it's perfectly legal for married couples to split assets in order to minimise tax. Some couples divide their savings so that one of them pays less tax on the interest if the other one has a high income. Absolutely legal.

It's not a tax dodge. The BTL is mainly in her name so she earns the most but will pay 20% tax not 40% which he would .

Sorry but lots of high earning men want and demand that their wife stays at home. It is part of the package they want. It's not just about the kids, it's having allvthe domestic stuff taken care of. She is not necessarily able to set the terms and conditions while she is with him, including getting a job.

I think the issue here is that there haven’t been a proper discussion about finances.

And the vast majority of people do that and hold down a full-time job.

Being a SAHP is fine if all parties involved are happy, but that's not the case here. At the moment, OP's husband works full-time, pays for a cleaner and runs a side-business while OP does...what, exactly? She doesn't work, she doesn't even run the rental that gives her her income, and her kids are in school all day.

Let's not pretend she's hard done by and working her socks off.

OP has not said what school her DC go to.
So you have no idea whether wraparound care is including in the fees (as it is for private schools near me) or not.