To ask DH to keep our BTL

She has access to their joint account.

It's normal for both partners to justify spending from a joint account (this is just called budgeting), especially on "small treats and frivolities" (I suspect they are not so small).

She isn't cut off from an income unless he is actually preventing her from getting a job, which she hasn't even hinted at.

Ok tell him that he can sell it - but he has to start paying you a salary for the work you do with the home and the children. Being a SAHM is saving a fortune in nursery costs, so if your income while doing that is disappearing, he needs to provide an alternative, otherwise he can bid goodbye to his free childcare and you can get a job and pay the relative percentage of yours to his earnings towards childcare, cleaning, laundry and everything else you currently do because you’re not working!

DH is paying school fees for a child that isn’t his, on top of being the sole earner & paying for his own kids to attend private school. As well as being the sole earner he has to manage a BTL because OP wouldn’t. He also pays for a cleaner. She now also is considering blocking the sale of this BTL preventing him from retiring early.

It doesn’t sound like DH decided that OP should be a SAHP. It sounds like he wants a break.

Many men cannot afford to leave either as they can’t afford to maintain two households.

I think the issue with money is that she seems to have played the helpless card leaving him to manage it all while ensuring she has an income he can’t see how she spends

I imagine he is sick of managing the BTL on top of the job and her not taking any responsibility for what she spends

it is a very unhealthy dynamic - but I get the impression OP has been very happy to leave her DH in control of the money whilst having the financial freedom to do as she wishes.

If it is her only source of income because he doesn’t transfer money into her own account or she feels she has to justify her spending, there is an issue. Is she has no say in the selling of the property that is legally in her name so that he can avoid tax, then it is abusive. Any relationship where finances are not mutually discussed and joint decisions are made, where one party has to justify any small treats/frivolities because they aren’t allowed to spend their money without judgement, where one party is cut of from any income, where property is hidden from the tax man and put in the name of the other party… is potentially financially abusive.

I agree OP needs to explore returning to work if the children’s ages permit and they are in school or FT nursery.

He is married - it is not ‘his money’ that he is using the fund the BTL or their lifestyle. It is joint money that he earns to provide for his wife and children, presumably because they decided she would be SAHP at this stage of parenting. They are meant to be a team - be she has no power in this relationship. That is coercive and financially abusive. It’s why many women ‘cannot afford’ to leave spouses (which I think was the subject of a few news articles this week).

This was the post that really jumped out at me.

It was too much for the OP to do - when she has school hours to herself with a cleaner to help.

But it's just fine for her DH to do on top of a full time job.

I know who I think is being financially abused here..

And if she refuses to sell a property she didn’t pay for & doesn’t manage forcing DH to work longer than he wants to, and refuses to get a job? Could that not also be viewed as being “financial abusive”?

She says she will have access but she doesn’t want him seeing what she spends money on as he may deem it frivolous.

not enough detail to know which of the two is financially abusive tbh!!

But you are only seeing the situation from one side. Why in 2025 would a man need to “take care” of a woman? It’s a partnership surely?

I have primary school kids (not in UK so shorter days). My youngest is at school 830-110. Older one an hour longer.

So if I wasn’t working I’d have minimum 840-1 to myself every school day. In the UK it’s longer.

So once I put on a wash, hang it out, make dinner, hoover & tidy she’s could I be doing that has me “worked to the bone”?

If you think your friends are “losing their beauty” I’d say it’s 1) natural aging, 2) the impact of being pregnant, 3) not having the same disposable income as you for treatments etc, 4) falling into a rut which is easy to do if you spend a lot of time alone.

Take Dublin in 1940 ish. A man with a blue collar job and a wife at home with a lot of kids (often 10 plus) and no washing machine, dishwasher etc. Those women were worked to the bone.

I think there are benefits to have a SAHP for kids, but it only works if both parties are on board.

Then he cannot sell with your consent? If it is in your name (regardless of the reasons) then you can state you are not willing to sell and will not be signing. If he forces you or take reprisals then you are in an abusive relationship - financial abuse and coercive control.

Do you not have access to other family money or does your DH restrict this?

So what would be the plan re you having access to money if the BTL is sold?

I don’t know how long op has been married but legal ownership is irrelevant in a marriage

if they divorce then his pre marital assets may well be taken into account

she is in no way financially independent - with or without the BTL

and her only complaint about the new set up is that he will see what she spends and nag her for being frivolous. Perhaps that’s the real reason behind this - he’s working his arse off and wants to see where the money is going

None of that is rocket science. Use an agent - they take 10% usually - they will cover everything - and I think that maybe be tax deductible ( but not sure) Tax can be done online.
I wouldn’t be selling up if there is nothing in place to keep your financial independence.

Buy to let ( property )

Yes before marriage !
It’s now yours too. He can’t make you sign paperwork you don’t what to sign .
Just say no

he cannot expect you to work FT and do all the domestic side of things too. You'll need to share that too or employ someone to do it for the pair of you

She doesn't do all the domestic side of things anyway. They already employ a cleaner.

This is me at the moment. Being solely responsible for the money coming in to pay bills can be mentally exhausting, it just grinds you down. This is hopefully a temporary situation but I know what it takes to run a house and childcare with two parents working, and it doesn’t involve 6 hours a day constant slog on cleaning, admin and cooking.

I think I understand this correctly: DH is fed up of working and wants to retire early using his investments to do so, but you begrudge him selling one of his investments because this would mean you would have to get a job. So you don’t want to work and think he should not sell the BTL / retire early to allow you to continue not working? Why is it ok for you not to want to work but not ok for him?

Moreover, the property is his former home which he paid for, and does all the day to day running of. You don’t do anything other than collect the rent. It’s yours in name only really as you haven’t paid into it and don’t do any work (in fact you did try but found it too much).

You use this rental money to pay for cleaners (as you say you cannot clean to the standard you want), and for your own child (so not your DH’s child) to attend private school. Essentially then your DH has allowed you to use the income from a property he owned before he met you to pay for your DC to go to private school and cleaners. All the DC attend school (I think private schools tend to finish later than 3:30?) and you don’t clean, so you have money to spend and no children to care for during the day. And your DH has had enough of slogging his guts out while you do nothing but spend his money and now he wants to cash this property in so he can retire early. And you think HE is being unreasonable?

OK, wow. I mean I can see why he’s fed up. Can’t you?

And I’ve just seen that she has a cleaner as well.. bloody hell. So kids at school, someone else doing the housework and receiving an income stream from a property that he is doing all the management of. Get a grip woman. What’s the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

How's your pension pot OP?

Your DH wants to reduce your outgoings so he can get off the work treadmill maybe a little bit earlier than some and hopefully enjoy retirement with sufficient pension. Can't say I blame him. I want to do the same. Maybe he could drop his hours (to relieve the pressure of having to have a FT job to support his family) and you could get a part time job that isn't wedded to the 9:30-3:30 (shame there are not breakfast or after-school clubs - have you considered moving to somewhere there is? We don't live particularly rurally but had to move and change schools twice to get an after-school slot so it can be done).

”Financially controlling and coercing “ - seriously?? Sounds to me like she’s been freeloading off him for years! He works full time, he does all the work in managing a HMO and she just picks up the money. She is a full time SAHM to children who are in school all day. She needs to appreciate how exceptionally lucky she has been and get a bloody job.

Well,if the upshot is that you need to replace the lost income by having to return to paid employment then you will need to prepare a schedule which shows his contribution to school pick-ups, cooking, childcare, cleaning and everything else that you do now. I can understand why he wants to get rid of the BTL: to manage that as well as a FT job sounds like a massive PITA but just as he doesn't want to be doing 2 jobs, he cannot expect you to work FT and do all the domestic side of things too. You'll need to share that too or employ someone to do it for the pair of you. Crunch some numbers, work out what needs doing around the house, and discuss how you're going to make it work. He wants early retirement and you want to be at home whilst the kids are still very young but you both need to see the other's POV here and work towards a mutually agreeable solution.

This is fine if a) both partners are in agreement - although a moot point for a single parent and b) if their income affords the lifestyle they want.

Presumably in the OP case, her DH income from his job plus the income from other rental properties, doesn't cover everything OP wants or needs. The HMO btl is probably more onerous and her DH would rather shorten their mortgage term than continue putting in the work to manage it. (But means the extras that OP is using the income for will have to be funded differently)

However there is lots of info missing, so its impossible to properly tell whether its unreasonable!

Nailed it. You will need to look for work OP. Make it clear to him that he’ll need to contribute to any wraparound care your kids will need.