Page 4 | To ask DH to keep our BTL

Nosdoc · 2025-09-10T12:50:36+00:00

We own a BTL property that generates a decent income for me - it’s set up so that most of the income is directed to me. DH plans to refurbish and sell the property and us the proceeds to pay of the mortgage on our house. All very sensible but as I don’t work, the BTL is my only source of income. DH doesn’t plan on reducing the monthly payments on our mortgage, but he is going to reduce the term, so we won’t see any immediate benefit from lower repayments. I am feeling distressed because this money provides me with considerable financial freedom. My husband is refusing to discuss and has told me the plan to sell is final.

Bruisername · 11/09/2025 09:47

N0Tfunny · 11/09/2025 09:42

@Digdongdoo but SHE has provided a certain lifestyle for HIM. One in which he doesn’t have to spend a moment of him time on the house, the children, his family obligations, the garden. Meals are provided for him, clothes are bought, laundered and appear back in his wardrobe by magic. Everything to do with raising two or more children is done for him - all he has to do is , I assume , make a brief appearance at birthday parties or other events . Some of these men don’t even don’t even go on holiday with their children as they are too busy and they like to reserve their leave for skiing or sailing with their friends.

It costs A LOT ago hire two or more FT Nannies ( so you get 24/7 coverage ) plus a FT housekeeper. You are talking as if the Ops contributions to their marriage and home is worthless , which is unkind as well as factually inaccurate.

You have no idea what she does - we don’t know if he cooks all meals, does bedtime 5 nights a week, drops kids off at school

all we know is she doesn’t work, doesn’t do the cleaning

and he works full time and manages the BTL

SleeplessInWherever · 11/09/2025 09:43

I had to put the washing machine on last night, and my partner is yet to buy me a Lamborghini.

Maybe he’s having an affair.

N0Tfunny · 11/09/2025 09:42

@Digdongdoo but SHE has provided a certain lifestyle for HIM. One in which he doesn’t have to spend a moment of him time on the house, the children, his family obligations, the garden. Meals are provided for him, clothes are bought, laundered and appear back in his wardrobe by magic. Everything to do with raising two or more children is done for him - all he has to do is , I assume , make a brief appearance at birthday parties or other events . Some of these men don’t even don’t even go on holiday with their children as they are too busy and they like to reserve their leave for skiing or sailing with their friends.

It costs A LOT ago hire two or more FT Nannies ( so you get 24/7 coverage ) plus a FT housekeeper. You are talking as if the Ops contributions to their marriage and home is worthless , which is unkind as well as factually inaccurate.

OnTheRoof · 11/09/2025 09:41

Well you can ask him, and as it's in your name you presumably could go even further and refuse to cooperate with any sale.

What you can't do is enforce him continuing to look after the BTL, whilst also continuing to pay your DDs school fees and fund you as a SAHP spending as you wish. Which would appear to be the bigger issue here. He isn't happy with the current balance. And this is the difficulty with the SAHP setup when you don't fund it from your own assets.

Do you think he wants you to get a job, to decrease spending, to increase the amount of work you do towards the BTLs? Are there other changes you could make that might facilitate the BTL staying, that your health condition would allow?

Coffeetime25 · 11/09/2025 09:36

Harrysmummy246 · 11/09/2025 09:20

She's said she'd use the joint account but doesn't want to as he'd see what she's spending on and ask questions.

Show quote history

what is she hiding I think they both up to something they don't want the other to find out lol

ishimbob · 11/09/2025 09:33

Sometimes I idly wonder to myself just how ridiculous a woman can be before Mumsnet won't have anyone who blames the man. I honestly thought this post might be it but no!

The DH here - works full time, manages numerous BTLs, financially supports his step child as well as his own, and wants to reduce his workload.

The OP - does the school run. And can't possibly manage anything else. Needs money to have her nails done.

How on earth do you get to she is being abused?!

Bruisername · 11/09/2025 09:31

the problem with this thread is that everyone has piled on with assumptions based on very limited info

Digdongdoo · 11/09/2025 09:29

Arran2024 · 11/09/2025 09:15

Exactly this! These people live in a world most people posting on here don't understand. It is a lifestyle choice for both of them and both benefit in different ways. If he wants to arbitrarily change their arrangement entirely to his benefit, that suggests something is up. He has all the power here and the OP is at his mercy. In these families in my experience, most wives don't work while the children are at primary school or even secondary, as for starters they usually have to drive them to and from school, as they tend to live away from public transport and miles from the private school, and if they do get a job later, it is more to give them a new role, not for the money.

Show quote history

You're making a lot of assumptions about the "type of family" they are. But even if OP was hoping to be a lady who lunches forever, her DH is allowed to decide he no longer wants to work himself to the bone to facilitate it. For goodness sake he's reducing his workload a bit, not shipping her off to a gulag.
Marriages should never be built upon an expectation that one party will provide a certain lifestyle forever more with no compromise. What on earth.

Arran2024 · 11/09/2025 09:28

runningonberocca · 11/09/2025 09:23

Except there’s no nursery cost. The kids are in school. And she has a cleaner. So the work she does is ?….

Show quote history

I bet she has to drive them miles to and from school every day for starters. And a cleaner comes in to do a thorough clean once or twice a week - it doesnt mean you dont have nothing to do on top. In a big house there is always stuff to do in my experience.

runningonberocca · 11/09/2025 09:23

Worralorra · 11/09/2025 08:54

Ok tell him that he can sell it - but he has to start paying you a salary for the work you do with the home and the children. Being a SAHM is saving a fortune in nursery costs, so if your income while doing that is disappearing, he needs to provide an alternative, otherwise he can bid goodbye to his free childcare and you can get a job and pay the relative percentage of yours to his earnings towards childcare, cleaning, laundry and everything else you currently do because you’re not working!

Except there’s no nursery cost. The kids are in school. And she has a cleaner. So the work she does is ?….

Harrysmummy246 · 11/09/2025 09:23

Worralorra · 11/09/2025 08:54

Ok tell him that he can sell it - but he has to start paying you a salary for the work you do with the home and the children. Being a SAHM is saving a fortune in nursery costs, so if your income while doing that is disappearing, he needs to provide an alternative, otherwise he can bid goodbye to his free childcare and you can get a job and pay the relative percentage of yours to his earnings towards childcare, cleaning, laundry and everything else you currently do because you’re not working!

FFS she has a cleaner

LannieDuck · 11/09/2025 09:22

Nosdoc · 10/09/2025 14:01

He does all of the maintenance, taxes, dealing with estate agents and tenants. He will refuse to do that if I refuse to sell.

Show quote history

If you're the one who wants to keep it, you'll need to take over doing the work for it. I should think that's pretty obvious.

saraclara · 11/09/2025 09:21

If he wants to arbitrarily change their arrangement entirely to his benefit, that suggests something is up.

He's made it clear what's up. He wants to set up his retirement. He's knackered. He works full time and also has to manage a rental property that's clearly a time sink as his wife couldn't even manage it in five days of school hours that she has available. Also there appear to be other rental properties.

OP seems to have absolutely no empathy for the stress he's under. She just wants her free money.

Harrysmummy246 · 11/09/2025 09:20

Bestfootforward11 · 11/09/2025 08:27

So what would be the plan re you having access to money if the BTL is sold?

She's said she'd use the joint account but doesn't want to as he'd see what she's spending on and ask questions.

Harrysmummy246 · 11/09/2025 09:18

Invinoveritaz · 11/09/2025 08:09

None of that is rocket science. Use an agent - they take 10% usually - they will cover everything - and I think that maybe be tax deductible ( but not sure) Tax can be done online.
I wouldn’t be selling up if there is nothing in place to keep your financial independence.

Show quote history

It's not financial independence

Arran2024 · 11/09/2025 09:15

Wetoldyousaurus · 11/09/2025 04:33

Agree, he’s up to something. Possibly found a new model to trade OP in for or at least hoping to get a bit on the side and needs to ass cover by getting ‘his’ assets safely back into his name in case of divorce. If she got a job he would possibly still not lift a finger in the household and be mortified if she started cleaning houses or doing supermarket check out while he earns in an hour what she would earn in a week.

Having the ‘privilege’ of being able to go out to work and the independence that it brings often involves untold sacrifices from others that many fail to acknowledge. Such as - cheap after school care on hand, family back up in case of illness, partners who pull their weight with the household tasks, keen and able grandparents to offer free support, underpaid cleaners and gardeners, flexible workplaces with dependable hours and a job that pays more than what any cleaner/child minder/extra convenience food would cost to make it worth while, proximity to said job to make the commute worthwhile, a dependable friendship group that can offer back up, the good physical and mental health of all children and adults in the family etc etc. The OP will need to ensure some of these are in place if she has a hope of gaining some independence and thus security for herself and her child in this marriage. Many people, especially men, but also many smug, self congratulatory women, have no idea how many stars are lining up for them when they boast about how they manage just fine both bringing in an income and maintaining their economic independence with three gloriously happy, well adjusted children and a golden retriever in tow.

Show quote history

Exactly this! These people live in a world most people posting on here don't understand. It is a lifestyle choice for both of them and both benefit in different ways. If he wants to arbitrarily change their arrangement entirely to his benefit, that suggests something is up. He has all the power here and the OP is at his mercy. In these families in my experience, most wives don't work while the children are at primary school or even secondary, as for starters they usually have to drive them to and from school, as they tend to live away from public transport and miles from the private school, and if they do get a job later, it is more to give them a new role, not for the money.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 11/09/2025 09:12

God I wish this was my dilemma...

redskydelight · 11/09/2025 09:08

Worralorra · 11/09/2025 08:54

Ok tell him that he can sell it - but he has to start paying you a salary for the work you do with the home and the children. Being a SAHM is saving a fortune in nursery costs, so if your income while doing that is disappearing, he needs to provide an alternative, otherwise he can bid goodbye to his free childcare and you can get a job and pay the relative percentage of yours to his earnings towards childcare, cleaning, laundry and everything else you currently do because you’re not working!

I don't know why people keep making this ridiculous statement.

Yes, OP should suggest it. DH can pay her for an hour's care before school, a couple of hours after school, and - say- a couple of hours of housework. At the going rate for a childminder and cleaner.
And since OP now has a salary she will need to pay her share of household bills and all of her DC's private school fees, because she can bid goodbye to DH paying for free board and lodging and her DC's costs and everything else he currently does because she's not working.

Anyone think that's a good deal for OP? I don't.

Coffeetime25 · 11/09/2025 09:05

Worralorra · 11/09/2025 08:54

Ok tell him that he can sell it - but he has to start paying you a salary for the work you do with the home and the children. Being a SAHM is saving a fortune in nursery costs, so if your income while doing that is disappearing, he needs to provide an alternative, otherwise he can bid goodbye to his free childcare and you can get a job and pay the relative percentage of yours to his earnings towards childcare, cleaning, laundry and everything else you currently do because you’re not working!

what like a paid housekeeper and childminder seriously bad advice she should stand on her own two feet instead of having to ask for an allowance like a teenager it 2025 not 1950s

Espressosummer · 11/09/2025 09:05

Worralorra · 11/09/2025 08:54

Ok tell him that he can sell it - but he has to start paying you a salary for the work you do with the home and the children. Being a SAHM is saving a fortune in nursery costs, so if your income while doing that is disappearing, he needs to provide an alternative, otherwise he can bid goodbye to his free childcare and you can get a job and pay the relative percentage of yours to his earnings towards childcare, cleaning, laundry and everything else you currently do because you’re not working!

The kids are school age, there are no nursery costs. As for the work at home, he already pays for a cleaner through the btl income as well as paying for her child's private school. He also manages the other property. The OP is not a victim here.

Ratafia · 11/09/2025 09:04

Nosdoc · 10/09/2025 14:06

I tried before and I couldn’t manage it properly. It’s a large HMO and it constantly requires work and day to day management. We have non HMO BTL but these are in joint names, and any excess income isn’t spent.

Show quote history

If you seriously can't manage it during the time you have available when the children are in school, then employ agents to do it.

Coffeetime25 · 11/09/2025 09:01

plenty of parents work instead of relying on their partner for every penny what will you do if you ever split up you will be relying on benefits for every penny

Everanewbie · 11/09/2025 09:01

I am a financial adviser and one of my great aims to bring women to the table when I take on clients. It is so disheartening to hear "oh my husband deals with all that".

Both spouses, as a minimum, need to understand what assets they have, what income they have, and what they're expenditure is.

Too many times I've seen widows all at sea because they haven't a clue what they have and where they have it.

Also, you see those sad face Daily Mail articles where the husband takes out a single life annuity (for the maximum income!) then promptly dies, and the widow is left with nothing. Of course its "the bankers, the insurance company and the evil IFA" that are to blame, not our dear old Gerald.

My advice to the OP is to sit down with your husband. Get on the same page. Talk about what you both want out of life, and how you will use your assets, incomes and potential incomes to reach those goals.

It appears to me like you are both in your silos and not seeing beyond the end of your nose, let alone each others perspectives.

You are married, Talk to each other. If he truly won't engage, maybe then you might want to consider whether the control exerted is a marriage or a captive situation that you would be better out of.

Ratafia · 11/09/2025 09:00

HomeTheatreSystem · 11/09/2025 07:36

Well,if the upshot is that you need to replace the lost income by having to return to paid employment then you will need to prepare a schedule which shows his contribution to school pick-ups, cooking, childcare, cleaning and everything else that you do now. I can understand why he wants to get rid of the BTL: to manage that as well as a FT job sounds like a massive PITA but just as he doesn't want to be doing 2 jobs, he cannot expect you to work FT and do all the domestic side of things too. You'll need to share that too or employ someone to do it for the pair of you. Crunch some numbers, work out what needs doing around the house, and discuss how you're going to make it work. He wants early retirement and you want to be at home whilst the kids are still very young but you both need to see the other's POV here and work towards a mutually agreeable solution.

OP doesn't do all the domestic side of things now. She's already said they have a cleaner. I suspect there's more help floating around that she hasn't mentioned yet.

the7Vabo · 11/09/2025 08:56

Worralorra · 11/09/2025 08:54

Ok tell him that he can sell it - but he has to start paying you a salary for the work you do with the home and the children. Being a SAHM is saving a fortune in nursery costs, so if your income while doing that is disappearing, he needs to provide an alternative, otherwise he can bid goodbye to his free childcare and you can get a job and pay the relative percentage of yours to his earnings towards childcare, cleaning, laundry and everything else you currently do because you’re not working!

children are in school not nursery;
the OP is saying she can’t get a job as she is a SAHM