To ask DH to keep our BTL

@Nosdoc It doesn't matter, legally, that the HMO property was one that he owned before you were married - he chose to put it in joint names and it requires both of you to sign the contract for sale and the deed of transfer which you can refuse to do. You say that if you refuse, he will refuse to continue managing the property, so you have a choice:

• Take on managing the property yourself and view this as a job that you can flex around your childcare responsibilities to maintain your income from it, or
• Agree to the property sale and get a part-time job to replace some, if not all, of the lost HMO income.

This fucks me right off. Do you really think mums that work - for money - do less parenting, cleaning, cooking? We do it all and we pay our on bills at the same time. It's call having doing it all.
If you want spending money. GET A JOB.

I'm surprised that he wants to sell it now, it's not a great time to sell a property, but he must have done the long term planning. Has he discussed this planning with you?

She said she wasn’t working as is a SAHM

Most people have to,regardless of whether or not they have children.

She only owns it because it was put in her name to benefit them both.
She hasn’t put any money into it just gets money from it.

Why shouldn’t he retire early if he can afford to?

I’d say your marriage isn’t in tip top condition and he’s considering his and your positions.

To be fair, I’m a bit of an anomaly.

We have a severely disabled child and could do with one of us not working, we both earn well enough for that to be a possibility.

We’d be able to claim financial support to not work, because of my son’s needs. We don’t qualify for grants that we could get, for example, because my salary is too high even by itself to get us under any threshold.

I work for purpose, independence and achievement outside of being a parent. We’d genuinely be okay if one of us became a SAHP, and we fall into the category of people that people almost expect to have one parent at home.

This, exactly

I think you should go back to work, it's the only guarantee of financial independence. Unless you are both on the same side that all assets and income are completely shared, and it doesn't sound like that is the case here.

Do you have any say in finances? If the BTL is sold what will you do for personal spends income? Do you have any say in anything at home @Nosdoc

Yes, but you're married now. Surely all your assets are joint?
I don't understand married couples having separate money like this.

The fundamental issue here is that you are not thinking or behaving as a team with a shared plan and shared goals.

There is nothing wrong with deciding jointly that your family's overall quality of life is better with one stay-at-home parent. As long as the non-working parent isn't left vulnerable and both parents are happy with their role and the balance of responsibility then it is absolutely irrelevant that other families have to manage with two working parents. But one parent cannot unilaterally decide to not work.

Equally, one parent should not unilaterally be making financial decisions. All decisions should be made jointly based on your shared values and goals.

The issue around the sale of the BTL is just a symptom of the underlying problems.

He works full time, owns several properties, also manages an HMO, in his free time I assume.

You look after the kids outside school hours and...

If this isn't made up, skill up.

Sounds like it's his house, his time and you get the cash but do nothing for it. And he wants to pay off the mortgage so he can retire at some point.
Get a job lady!

I also started out team OP and ended up team H.

However.

IF you remaining a SAHM works for the good of all members of the household (including your DH) and it’s agreed that it remains easier for you to do all the running about with the kids, managing the home, life admin, etc, then you need to have a conversation with him about what will replace the income from the HMO to cover your day to day spends, which I presume also includes the cost of the kids - both in terms of one off or cyclical costs (school trips, swimming lessons etc) but also the day to day costs. It’s not reasonable for you to have to go and ask him for money for that on an ad hoc basis and an adequate sum should be provided to you at the start of each month.

If he doesn’t agree then you’re going to have to look for a job, which is also a reasonable expectation of two adults with primary aged children. But then, circling around to so many other threads people post on Mumsnet, it’s also not unreasonable for you to make him aware that he becomes responsible for half the life admin and house + child management (including potentially school runs and bathroom cleaning and packed lunches), which presumably you’ve been doing up to this point.

Best plan a conversation really.

It matters because how 'reasonable' you are being really depends on how viable it is for you to be contributing financially.

It's a bit of a luxury to be a SAHP when the kids are in school which makes it much less reasonable to be complaining that your DH wants to cut back to retire early.

It sounds like you want him to work longer so you don't have to?

It kind of does because you could quite feasibly work while they're at school or in the evenings when your husband was home with the children.

You're not 'unable' to work.

A property he owned before they even married, lets not pretend OP has earned this money, she’s not even running it herself she expects him to do that as well.

Time to get a job.

Still a man though, yes?

They both own it and he manages it. It might be their asset but it’s his workload, and if I was already carrying the household finances, I wouldn’t also be managing someone else’s source of disposable income.

Sounds like a clever guy to me.

She's not "working" whilst the kids are at school all day.

Working on the property is not going to benefit the mortgage or retirement, the profits are spent every month.

When?

Baffling to have to remind someone that people work for 'money'! That is entirely the point of working for almost everyone.

It's not 'a man' it's her financial partner and he's not giving it to her, it's coming from a property they both own.