What was the moment you knew your marriage / relationship was over? The straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak

Misogyny I suppose. He had found the perfect idiot to not see it as I'd been raised to put males first, including boys younger than me. They got more food, were served first, had the chance of going to university, chores didn't involve dusting or hoovering or laundry etc. My mum was raised the same way. We both got out in our late 50s, her because his last affair was with someone in the friendship group and me because I found Mumsnet Relationship board😬

@SpidersAreShitheads - you DO NOT have to justify why your house wasn't "perfect". Even without the added stress of your DF being in hospital it is perfectly fine to take as much time as you need to decorate etc. The fact that you feel you still have to shows how severely abused you have been. Please seek counselling so you can get free from it all as your post clearly shows you are still mentally and emotionally trapped ❤

We were on a camping holiday. She'd booked and paid for it, and I was meant to be delighted and grateful, although (as usual), what it meant was she'd said she could afford it, booked and paid, and then told me I needed to cover bills/food for a few weeks, oh and she couldn't contribute to getting the car fixed. (There was a long history of financial dishonesty there). So i wasn't in an ideal space.

She'd kept messing me around about trying for another baby - she'd say yes, then no, then maybe. And it was particularly hurtful because we're a same-sex couple; she'd insisted she should for DD first, then she was lukewarm about me trying, which feels different from if we were a straight couple. But anyway:

Sitting in the campsite she suddenly told me, as if it were totally obvious and reasonable, that if I did have a baby, of course she wouldn't be able to do the things I had done when DD was a baby. She didn't plan to give up her nights out or her hobbies because she enjoyed them.

It just floored me. It absolutely was a 'last straw' and and I should have left long, long, long before, but I will always remember the casualness with which she made it clear she just did not care.

(I found out afterwards that, although she'd been pleading that she couldn't afford things and insisting she couldn't save towards joint expenses like the car, she'd been building up savings and had no trouble buying a house. It really hurts, but I am so much better off on my own, and it is lovely seeing how much happier DD is.)

I didn't see her again for years. She subsequently lost her soulmate and tried to cast me in the role of therapist. Suddenly she was interested in my experience - the one that amused her until it happened to her of course.

I found myself rolling my eyes as she whittered on in a couple of (far too) long phone calls. I realised I just didn't care. I told her I wasn't doing this anymore and she needed proper counselling.

Never heard from her again.

I believe I’ve seen your TikToks? So happy you found your person in the end.

We were going on holiday with a group of friends, and I wasn’t well. I was in the car on the way to the airport when I begged him to pull over so I could be sick but he refused. I was basically using sick bags all the way round the airport (in hindsight, I should have gone home!). We were sat at the gate waiting to board the plane and I asked him if he could please open the bottle of water for me as I was still throwing up. I’ve never been so violently ill in my life. He stood up and started screaming in my face about what a fucking embarrassment I was, look at the state of me, I disgusted him - the barrage of abuse went on until I cried and ALL of our friends said nothing (some had previously approached me to say I should leave him as he was a nasty piece of work towards me). It was a lightbulb moment and I finally woke up after 3 years of emotional and financial abuse and saw what my life would be like if I stayed any longer. I was icily polite to them all for the holiday and moved out as soon as we got back.

JenXWarrior

oh my god that’s awful:(

Wow!
So glad you never let him back . What a pig

It wasn't a non event. It was the most significant event in your marriage. It was the moment you threw off the chains you hadn't seen before. He skulked off into the shadows and you got a new life. Fantastic result. ❤

I had been seeing a man who worked in the navy for a couple of years.
i worked shifts and was quite independent- he had his post delivered to my house, which I had never opened or looked at.
one day a bank statement was open - he had gone off on holiday Skiing with his work colleagues.
I happened to look at an open bank statement - purchases at Anne Summers and Le senzer
I dumped him without ever disclosing.

You ladies all sound amazing 👏
Hope you are all happy now ❤️

@Jaffapedigree Search for the trans widows threads on here. You are not alone and these men have a script xx

I think I know who you are! Seen some articles. What a bloody woman you are! Well done to you for making the most of it. It’s very clear your family and friends love you x

First ex long term. He was abusive. The day I gave birth to our son I knew I had to go.

Second ex long term. When I realised a leopard never changes their spots after finding him looking for male hook ups.

Third ex long term. When he started talking about spending inheritance from my Nan (who is still alive) on a car for him and other things he wants. Whilst not supporting me at home and spending his life on his PS5 I just had an epiphany of 'I can't live like this anymore'.

Our DD is in a very abusive relationship. It's heart-breaking watching her so desperate for a low-life who does nothing but abuse her over and over again. Reading these gives me some hope that eventually she'll come out of it.

I remember your story from when it went viral! Lovely to hear all the behind the scenes bits about your friends rallying around you, and you and your MOH enjoying the honeymoon together ❤️ sounds like you’re doing really well!

I had a “coven party” on my soon-to-be-ex-husband’s birthday weekend recently. Friends came from across the country for cuddles and crémant. It was wonderful to feel so loved after the year I’ve had, so can completely relate to that feeling!

For me, I knew it was over when I checked my husband’s phone in the middle of the night, after months of cold shoulder, eggshells, and not being able to do anything right in his eyes. A message from a long-distance colleague said “when we were masturbating the other day, and you said [xyz], that was so hawt, I almost came”.

LOVELY STUFF.

She also said “who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend”, which was charming. In fact there were lots of highly incriminating messages that made me realise:
a) None of the last 9 months had been my fault and
b) There was absolutely no going back.

However, when I should’ve known it was over was after I went to our youngest baby’s 12 month Health Visitor appointment. There’s a maternal mental health questionnaire at the end, and I ended up crying all over the health visitor. I came home and plucked up the courage to tell my husband I’d been scored as having anxiety and depression. His reaction? He shrugged and walked away.

It’s been a really shit time, but good friends and stories like yours show you how loved we really are, and give me hope for the future. Thank you for your vulnerability in letting it go viral, that was a very brave thing to do. Respect! ❤️

I got out when the bad times were more than the good times. He was a hard to understand bloke. He upset me and I left him

we were in a pub with friends and he started slagging off his supposed best friend who had just qualified as a teacher, the bitter twisted look on his face and clear jealousy of their lifestyle was awful as he thought he was intellectually superior with his 2 A levels. I took off my wedding ring went home and put all his stuff on the doorstep, never spoke to him again. I sort of knew he was a nasty mummys boy twat thinking he was superior to others but this wwas pure sneering evil.

When my dear sweet grandma died and I had to cry and beg on my knees for him to look after his own 1 year old son so I can go to funeral.

Love this 😀 ❤️

I had been unhappily married for years and stayed because of the kids, nowhere to go, the usual story. He was abusive financially and sexually and he was a gambling addict. He was also a liar and a cheat. Along with this he was strangely needy, like whatever you did for him or tried to show affection for him, it was never enough.

Like another PP on this thread, I'd had a not great upbringing and I just thought for years this was what marriage was like. He used to bully me quite a bit and I used to get scared. Then one day and I still don't really understand what happened, he was doing his usual threatening stuff and I suddenly saw him with fresh eyes and saw how truly pathetic he was. I remember I calmly said 'you don't frighten me any more, I am free of you' He looked a bit nonplussed and said slyly 'well maybe you should be frightened' and I said 'too late, I'm free!!'.

It sounds so silly really, and a bit of a non event but from that moment I planned my divorce. In the end, he went quite quietly. I think maybe he fed off my fear of him and had nowhere to go once I stood up to him.

I can't believe now that I wasted so much time on him. I even feel a bit sorry for him (and me) because he's totally inadequate. But I guess that's what all bullies are really - inadequate and needy.

My first relationship after coming out of a 20 yr marriage - still fairly recent, vcertainly not living together or anything like that - we were on a special day out with my 16 yr old daughter and he snapped at me for having a very brief chat about something completely innocuous to do with her dad’s new house with her. He shouted something like - Do you think I really want to hear anything about your ex?

She just held and gently squeezed my hand under the table. She didn’t have to say anything, that gesture said it all. Bless my darling daughter - I ended the relationship that day. My daughter remains one of the wisest people in my life.

What the actual hell? Did he go to prison?

Well done though. You may have saved that little lad's life down the line.

A micro expression or one they think you didn't see tells you more than words do. It's how they really feel.

A few years ago I was telling a friend there was no way of salvaging my relationship. I thought he was my soul mate and loved him very much. It was heart breaking to realise it wasn't meant to be.

I don't know if she was aware of it or not but the corners of her mouth curled up and she smiled. For that brief moment I saw how my loss pleased her.

Schadenfreude. Once seen never forgotten. Our friendship died with that smirk.

When I saw my 4yo daughter cowering in the corner crying with her hands over her ears and a look of terror on her face while he was attacking me. He'd done it before but she'd never witnessed it and it was at that moment that I realised I absolutely had to get out of there. I still think about it now, 15 years later and I just hope she doesn't remember.