Page 4 | What was the moment you knew your marriage / relationship was over? The straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak

LavaLaamp · 2025-09-09T22:41:16+00:00

For me it was after he’d repeatedly told me that mama Mia in the cinema was a total joke and the fact I wanted to see it with my mum was pathetic, he refused to see it with me and took the piss repeatedly for weeks. I ignored him and went with my mum, aunt and cousin and had an absolutely brilliant time. Then the week after we went for the 2nd or 3rd time (sing along obviously) with more piss taking from boyfriend (not light hearted) it was my birthday and we had plans for my birthday. I had a huge party which he didn’t turn up for and when I asked him why he wasn’t there he said he’d taken his co worker to go see mama Mia as she really wanted to go. I realised I would never be a priority in his life and dumped him, he married his co worker and then cheated on her with his male colleague 3 years later, lucky escape! I was also ‘left at the alter’ on my wedding day- I found out about an hour before that he wasn’t to be found anywhere, I was in my dress, hair and makeup done etc. his mum told my moh that they didn’t know where he was but he wouldn’t be coming to the wedding, so I asked my moh and bridesmaid to tell everyone that the wedding wouldn’t be going ahead but everyone was welcome to come and enjoy the reception because we’d already paid for it all so we had a fab day with lots of tears and laughter at what should have been my wedding day! All his groomsmen stayed to be with me, his best man was incredible It went viral and he did apologise and ask to come back but I said no. 4 years on and I’m married to my soul mate and my ex is single and none of his friends speak to him. Im so grateful that he did that because I’m so happy now. what about you?

Mysticaldeer · 10/09/2025 13:14

sesquipedalian · 10/09/2025 09:05

@GarlicPint
“this was when you still had to demonstrate unreasonable behaviour….I promptly signed his ridiculous litany of complaints about me”

This really resonated with me. Ex- DH said he wasn’t letting me divorce him and he would divorce me - I didn’t care because I just wanted out. So I am divorced for my unreasonable behaviour on the grounds that I spent too much time reading detective fiction, and too much time on the phone to my family. I remember the letter that came with the decree nisi, which said that this was behaviour no normal person could reasonably put up with, and thinking it was both funny, and unimaginative on his part - we’d been married for over fifteen years!

I bet you're one of those people that tell everyone how the book ends/ whodunnit just as they've started it 😂 😂

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 10/09/2025 13:11

NotOrange · 10/09/2025 11:59

I had this, but I’m just pleased I was there to teach her to do shoelaces, and make a fuss when she needed it, as she didn’t see her own mum. Xx

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Yours is worse than mine. Her Mum was a good mum. I was like a big sister really. I never had concerns in that respect. Her dad, my ex, was not a great dad although he thought he was. He was very inconsistent with them and moody whereas I am a very steady and samey person. He abdicated responsibility for her entirely onto me when he had contact but I didn't care. I didn't want children of my own as we have some very odd genes in our family. I treasured every moment with this little girl though as she was funny and spunky and fearless and interested in everything. If I could have had kids like her I would have had a massive brood of my own. I left when she was at home with her Mum. I felt ripped in two as I drove away but felt stupid feeling the way I did as it's not recognised as 'a thing'.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/09/2025 12:56

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 10/09/2025 12:37

I'm having one of those days when I'm looking at the door... thinking me and the kids would be ok on our own.
There are only so many times he can forget stuff before I start to feel that everything is more important than me.
Been crying all morning because he forgot another work trip over my birthday.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them @eqpi4t2hbsnktd . He's never going to put you and your DC first, you're the childcare and the housekeeper. Do yourself a favour and walk out that door- and good luck

Whereissummer24 · 10/09/2025 12:55

When the day before we went on holiday his phone rang and the woman on the other end was his girlfriend. I was with him for many years - she predated me!! Safe to say I left, she stayed with him!!

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 10/09/2025 12:55

ShoeeMcfee · 10/09/2025 07:58

I had been unhappily married for years and stayed because of the kids, nowhere to go, the usual story. He was abusive financially and sexually and he was a gambling addict. He was also a liar and a cheat. Along with this he was strangely needy, like whatever you did for him or tried to show affection for him, it was never enough.

Like another PP on this thread, I'd had a not great upbringing and I just thought for years this was what marriage was like. He used to bully me quite a bit and I used to get scared. Then one day and I still don't really understand what happened, he was doing his usual threatening stuff and I suddenly saw him with fresh eyes and saw how truly pathetic he was. I remember I calmly said 'you don't frighten me any more, I am free of you' He looked a bit nonplussed and said slyly 'well maybe you should be frightened' and I said 'too late, I'm free!!'.

It sounds so silly really, and a bit of a non event but from that moment I planned my divorce. In the end, he went quite quietly. I think maybe he fed off my fear of him and had nowhere to go once I stood up to him.

I can't believe now that I wasted so much time on him. I even feel a bit sorry for him (and me) because he's totally inadequate. But I guess that's what all bullies are really - inadequate and needy.

That moment of clarity is amazing. I had it with an ex.

My DMum had cancer and DDad and I were taking it in turns caring for her.

My then DP called and invited me over so I told him I couldn't as it was my watch and besides she had actually deteriorated and both Dad and I were staying with her.

He said that if I didn't go over that evening, to never bother again. I asked him to repeat it and he did and I put receiver down knowing that was the last time I would ever hear his voice. It was like I had had a tonne lifted from me and I was a different person.

DMum died two weeks later. I called ex DP's Mum to let her know as she was lovely. She said he was visiting her but he wasn't there at that moment. She was clearly under the impression we were still together and I didn't put her straight.

I know his Mum would have told him my DMum had died and yet, after four and a half years together he couldn't even send me a card. I didn't care. I was a new person and I have never allowed myself to be treated so badly since. There were other red flags prior, I admit but I have always thanked my DMum for what she did for me in a roundabout way as well as for everything else she did for me.

This was the early 90's He's still single

FlowerUser · 10/09/2025 12:44

When my best friend and neighbour was ill with flu and I said I'd pop round to see her. He said she didn't want to see me because I had flirted with her boyfriend and he'd left. (I hadn't.)

They've been together for 30 years next year. Her boyfriend left because she told him she was in love with my exDH.

Mmhmmn · 10/09/2025 12:41

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 10/09/2025 12:37

I'm having one of those days when I'm looking at the door... thinking me and the kids would be ok on our own.
There are only so many times he can forget stuff before I start to feel that everything is more important than me.
Been crying all morning because he forgot another work trip over my birthday.

Get him gone, he doesn’t deserve any more of your tears, time, or effort. Xx

Mmhmmn · 10/09/2025 12:39

I’m so glad you have a happy ending with someone so much better.

That first one is typical of someone who is really unhappy and uneasy with themselves and copes by inflicting casual cruelty on the people who they’re supposed to love but really just see as a useful idiot. What a cock.

I think you sound amazing and a great example of a woman who refuses to let a miserable cruel arsehole steal their joy - which is really really important.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 10/09/2025 12:38

Thanks to @silkypyjamas for the term 'de-married'. Love it!

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 10/09/2025 12:37

I'm having one of those days when I'm looking at the door... thinking me and the kids would be ok on our own.
There are only so many times he can forget stuff before I start to feel that everything is more important than me.
Been crying all morning because he forgot another work trip over my birthday.

Starlin · 10/09/2025 12:31

I had some unplanned dental work done which meant I couldnt really eat much /drink for a few days whilst he visited (long distance relationship).

He called me boring and no fun. It was the beginning of the end. That weekend he had a "mental health crisis" because I wasn't showing him enough attention /wanting to sleep with him. Note: I was still in a lot of pain after the dentist and didn't want to do much!

Tlittle · 10/09/2025 12:16

So glad that you managed to have a happy ever after after all that that's brill.
Your ex was a dick.
I myself was engaged and started going off him after a family holiday to haven. He was usually the nicest guy, but then he was mean and snappy to me and our kids and a jerk at the train stations ( not joint kids) after that I slowly started pulling away.
His whole personality changed after then and three months later he left me for his work colleague who I had never heard of and she made my life hell until I blocked her, posting pictures of them together everywhere.
He denied it all, blocked me on everything, but I found out and they had been cheating since the holiday. I didn't even fight for him as he wasn't worth it.
They lasted barely six months lol.
He lost custody of his kids because of her and has moved jobs for reasons unknown I just know what people tell me hahah.
Karma.
Anyway I ended up back in touch with an old work colleague, we were with other people when we worked together, we are so madly in love and now I am so thankful for what happened even though at the time it was incredibly painful because this man I have now takes my breath away. X

JenXWarrior · 10/09/2025 12:09

MissAmbrosia · 10/09/2025 10:59

When I came home from work one day, my ExH told me he had been discussing me with his mother, and they had decided I needed to buckle down and start being a "proper wife". I asked what this entailed. He listed all the general house shite - cooking, cleaning, washing etc. But then said I needed to stop going out so much and take up some nice hobbies, like crochet or sewing - MIL was happy to assist with this. I was 24. I asked what would happen if I didn't agree - and he said I'd have to leave then. I went upstairs to pack. The look on his little, sad face 😁😅

Buckle down 😮
I'm glad the only buckle you entertained was on your suitcase 😂

Stitch and bitch at a crochet coven with your MiL. In what world.....😂

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 10/09/2025 12:06

OneCleverPinkFawn · 10/09/2025 06:39

It was years ago and probably super silly, but I got a bunch of balloons with little notes for his birthdays and told him there were these little notes and he could read them once the balloons go off. A few days after that he took a bunch of these balloons to his workplace because it was a collegues' birthday and he "needed to show up with something" and he forgot about the notes.

We broke up in a month or so for unrelated reasons and about a year after a learnt that he started seeing this said coworker. There was no overlap with me from what I understood, but this got me wondering if she saw these notes and thought they were for her (there were just wishes and compliments, nothing that would mention his name, actually).

Edited

Actually, sorry but this made me laugh out loud. I'm imagining you doing this lovely romantic thing, this woman being on the receiving end of it thinking he is the romantic one when in fact he was just being the lazy asshole that he was and then her getting stuck with a dickhead.

I wonder how long she waited for the next romantic gesture and if she wondered why it never came.

JenXWarrior · 10/09/2025 12:02

ThatCyanCat · 10/09/2025 10:56

Is there any chance she had seen the writing on the wall before you did and was glad you were going to do what was right for you? Why would she be pleased about that?

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I don't think so. It was a sneer not relief. She never went on to say that she was relieved or that she knew he wasn't right for me or anything like that. Actually none of my friends said anything like that either. Maybe if others were saying it I'd be inclined to agree with you.

It's just one of those things when you've known someone a long time you know how they are. I appreciate your perspective though as sometimes with heightened emotion we can misinterpret things.

NotOrange · 10/09/2025 11:59

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 10/09/2025 11:37

I miss my exes daughter from his previous marriage. Leaving her was like losing a limb but I had to get away. The first year I cried every day because of her, not my ex.

No-one talks about the pain they feel when they have become attached to someone else's children because they were in a semi parental role and have had to leave or have been booted out but it's awful. You want to see them but rightly, no-one posts pictures of kids online so you have to try and imagine what they are like and how they grew up.

With mine. She is grown with kids of her own and I can see from her FB profile that she has grown into a productive, interesting adult but it hurts that I wasn't there to see that process.

I sometimes imagine I might meet her one day and she would remember how, when she was 4/5 she used to sit on the worktop and tell me what animal shape she wanted her pancake and we would laugh as I tried to make pancake elephants and octopusses. I'm just a sad old bird I guess. I bet the Germans have a name for this situation : )

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I had this, but I’m just pleased I was there to teach her to do shoelaces, and make a fuss when she needed it, as she didn’t see her own mum. Xx

Katiesaidthat · 10/09/2025 11:56

ILoveWhales · 10/09/2025 09:54

I couldn't take seriously anyone who saw such a shit film three or four times and the sing along version. Absolutely cringeworthy.
Equally, I wouldn't have been cruel to your face about it.

As for mine, I caught two of them cheating. So that was that really.

Edited

Actually, I never understood the film, thought it was weird, all the blondes looked alike and I couldn´t tell when it was the past and when the present. My aunt loves Mamma mia, I keep my opinions to myself.
Kudos to you that you have such a great attitude and felt so loved it helped you heal, op.

Blodwynne · 10/09/2025 11:54

GarlicPint · 10/09/2025 07:20

Blimey, some of you have really been through it. Thank you for sharing. I feel almost unworthy with my tawdry tale of fundamental incompatibility ... The entire 'relationship' was That Moment but, for some reason, I plugged away at it. (The sex was great. Never let your fanjo make your decisions!) I nearly called it off the night before, but he came to see me and just sort of sat there looking really anxious. I thought he must care after all 🙄

The wedding day was fabulous. We'd planned the whole thing as a big, relaxed party, all our friends contributed something - not money, elements of the party - and the atmosphere was wonderful. Nobody noticed the happy groom insulting my outfit as I arrived at the altar, the best man's entertaining speech revealing a crime (fraud) XH had committed in the past, or him telling me to fuck off when I fetched him for the first dance. Well, I suppose one of his colleagues heard, but she wasn't bothered as she was sitting on his lap with her tits in his face.

I thought of asking my parents to take me home with them. Instead, I put my already well-worn best foot forward and really tried to have a normal, happy marriage with the weird fucker. That Moment's final moment came a stressed, anxious year later when he was raging on at me yet again for nothing in particular (just not being who he wished I was, I suppose) and the back of mind said very, clearly and calmly, "I don't like him. This is over."

It wasn't quite over, as I had to manipulate him into divorcing me. There was no way he'd accept any fault - this was when you still had to demonstrate unreasonable behaviour - so I stopped trying to be nice and just let him get more and more pissed off until he cracked. Then I promptly signed his ridiculous litany of complaints about me, which I guessed the more permanent of his other women had written, as it contained long words and he didn't know any.

I'd love to end this with a tale of glorious fulfilment post divorce, but the fact is he broke me. Or, more honestly, I broke myself by sinking all my strength and optimism into a hopeless mistake. I know many of us do this - and I spend quite a bit of time trying to dissuade other women from similar!

The best thing that came out of it for me was that I started serious therapy. You know, they say "There's something wrong with you, you need help." So you find a therapist, you tell her there's something wrong with you, then you find out the wrong thing is that people way, way back in your history made you feel like you deserve to be disrespected and ranted at and you had never realised they'd made you into the kind of optimistic sucker those weird guys can see coming from a far distance. So you start fixing that instead of the shitty marriage.

My message to anyone who's managed to read to the end of this post is: listen to the voice at the back of your mind, take no shit, and don't let your vagina make commitments for you!

Edited

I love the way you write - i mean REALLY love it.

hevs03 · 10/09/2025 11:50

ILoveWhales · 10/09/2025 09:54

I couldn't take seriously anyone who saw such a shit film three or four times and the sing along version. Absolutely cringeworthy.
Equally, I wouldn't have been cruel to your face about it.

As for mine, I caught two of them cheating. So that was that really.

Edited

Wow how patronising, we cannot all like the same things be it a musical, a singer, a book etc. However liking a certain film does not mean that a person cannot be taken seriously. Your post was rude and says so much about the type of person you are, as for the original poster, she is the winner and a brave woman for dealing with her situation the way she did.

Sagedragon · 10/09/2025 11:48

There were a lot of things building, but the ultimate final straw for me was when I realised that I was filled with anxiety when driving home from work when I knew he had a day off work. Dreading what I was going to face when I get home was just the worst thing for me, but it brought the realisation that I didn't have to continue living like that.

Confusedhormonal · 10/09/2025 11:46

Few things really that happened over a month, but think i only noticed them after my dad said i was really jumpy. We lived together after a year in his house. first year he was perfect then slowly went down hill till the events below.

I had a really busy week at work for a project that was career defining. It was a success. Leaving house at 7am and not returning till 9pm. Cat had knocked over a drink. He left it and it stained the carpet. I had come home excused on last day with news of a promotion and he shouted at me to clean the carpet as my cat knocked it over. No well done

Went to a networking event for his work. Told me to let him network and leave him alone. Also says I needed to look like a girl and not my usual scruffy self. I looked amazing, but no compliment. I did as he told and was chatting to lots of lovely people. Then got told I embarrassed him by chatting to more people and I should have stayed at his side in silence.

He came home drunk and started telling me I was ugly and I laughed like a guy. I stopped laughing. he also messaged women drunk and called it banter. Neighbours boyfriend came to the house to confront him but he wouldn’t get out of bed calling him a liar. Neighbour showed me the texts but she was making it up.

I got ill planning to move out with shingles and had no support. I stayed quiet, bought a house, switched the cameras off and left. Felt it was easier than an argument. He contacted me next day and I told him why. He apologised and wanted to try again, but after trying to denying it.

He has put on lots of weight, still single. I have found a new guy who loves doing things with me and treats me with respect.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 10/09/2025 11:40

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 10/09/2025 11:37

I miss my exes daughter from his previous marriage. Leaving her was like losing a limb but I had to get away. The first year I cried every day because of her, not my ex.

No-one talks about the pain they feel when they have become attached to someone else's children because they were in a semi parental role and have had to leave or have been booted out but it's awful. You want to see them but rightly, no-one posts pictures of kids online so you have to try and imagine what they are like and how they grew up.

With mine. She is grown with kids of her own and I can see from her FB profile that she has grown into a productive, interesting adult but it hurts that I wasn't there to see that process.

I sometimes imagine I might meet her one day and she would remember how, when she was 4/5 she used to sit on the worktop and tell me what animal shape she wanted her pancake and we would laugh as I tried to make pancake elephants and octopusses. I'm just a sad old bird I guess. I bet the Germans have a name for this situation : )

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100%.
It took me longer to get over them than my exH, easily.
I do sometimes have a little peek at social media and can't believe how much they've grown just in 3 years.
It makes me so sad to think that The youngest (who was 2 when we met) might not even remember me, we had the most brilliant bond, probably why he chose me to disclose to.

God I hope he's OK and it's not happening anymore.

Cabinqueen · 10/09/2025 11:38

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 10/09/2025 08:01

Love this 😀 ❤️

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Me too!! @KawasakiBabe 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🤩

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 10/09/2025 11:37

RapunzelHadExtensions · 10/09/2025 03:39

When my 6 year old stepson, his son, disclosed to me he was being sexually abused at night by his other son, 10, and he and his first ExW did nothing, not even moving them into separate bedrooms because 'we don't know who's telling the truth'. I'd even secretly recorded the disclosure on my phone. Was working as a child protection police officer at the time.
He'd disclosed to me because I'd walked in on something not sitting right when they were on the sofa, so he was also doubting me.
I knew I could never have a child with him then. I knew he and his awful ExW would do whatever it took for an easy life.

So I left. But not before reporting to school and social services. That didn't go down well.

I think about that lad every day and I miss them all.

I miss my exes daughter from his previous marriage. Leaving her was like losing a limb but I had to get away. The first year I cried every day because of her, not my ex.

No-one talks about the pain they feel when they have become attached to someone else's children because they were in a semi parental role and have had to leave or have been booted out but it's awful. You want to see them but rightly, no-one posts pictures of kids online so you have to try and imagine what they are like and how they grew up.

With mine. She is grown with kids of her own and I can see from her FB profile that she has grown into a productive, interesting adult but it hurts that I wasn't there to see that process.

I sometimes imagine I might meet her one day and she would remember how, when she was 4/5 she used to sit on the worktop and tell me what animal shape she wanted her pancake and we would laugh as I tried to make pancake elephants and octopusses. I'm just a sad old bird I guess. I bet the Germans have a name for this situation : )

koolkatxx · 10/09/2025 11:36

I was having spinal surgery and while I was in surgery he proposed to someone else :)

Grateful though as I am now married to my best friend and soulmate.