Page 2 | to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

OneGreatSheep · 2025-09-09T17:36:17+00:00

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me. mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky. tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies. aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

MixedBananas · 10/09/2025 20:16

If MIL is helping her then yes. But of course not all 5 maybe take 2 of them for a bit. All 5 is too much for a retiree. I have the opposite issue my Mother is always helping SIL and barely helps me. My SIL just takes and takes works 2 days a week snd doesntndo anythint at home at all. I am the one that does all the paper work, wills, atornys, council, hospital stuff etc and I do eveeything at home and more outside the home. Makes no sense when I question it i get accused of being jealous and/or over exagerating and all the help SIL gets is minimised.

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 20:01

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 19:59

And being told by more than one poster that she should have aborted her child?? That's a disgraceful suggestion and also misogynistic. but you don't seem to have commented on any of those posts.

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You're the only one acting the hero whilst hurling insults. You're just as bad and a hypocrite to boot.

noworklifebalance · 10/09/2025 19:59

Diagreeing with a woman’s choices or way she handles things does not automatically mean misogyny.
There are two opposing women in this scenario and support for MIL doesn’t mean misogyny towards OP - that doesn’t make sense.

There is also no point in replying to OP’s posts like nodding dogs in an echo chamber. Agreeing with her could actually make things harder for OP if she then feels is justified in being angry with MIL for not helping out and takes that back into real life interactions with her.

Sometimes having others disagree with you (even if they are wrong or you don’t come round to their way of thinking) can at least help you see the other person’s perspective (in this case MIL’s).
Perhaps 5 boys is too much for her handle?
Perhaps the noise and upset of the tired younger ones is difficult for her tolerate so she distances herself from that?

Anyway, good luck OP.

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 19:59

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 19:48

You really to take a look in the mirror before calling anyone else out. Ageism and misogyny in one. Not mild in the slightest.

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And being told by more than one poster that she should have aborted her child?? That's a disgraceful suggestion and also misogynistic. but you don't seem to have commented on any of those posts.

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 19:48

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 19:45

I think my ageist comment was pretty mild compared to some previous posters suggesting she should have aborted!!!! Do you not feel that those were disgusting and vile things to say to OP. All the bad mother comments too. I felt somebody needed to defend her

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You really to take a look in the mirror before calling anyone else out. Ageism and misogyny in one. Not mild in the slightest.

Blossoms217 · 10/09/2025 19:46

I don't ask anything of my MIL but my mum helps out whenever I ask, I just wouldn't feel comfortable asking. Have you got any family? If she's treating the grandchildren different I would step back; it doesn't matter how many kids you decide to have that's a personal choice.

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 19:45

Letsgoroundagainnow · 10/09/2025 19:24

The MIL was too tired, that’s why she doesn’t want to help! Even a bitter old bag (as you so kindly refer to anyone that would say no!) have the right to say she’s too tired. You’ve no idea how you will feel when you’re a MIL, so don’t talk rubbish!

Maybe she’s got PND, maybe MIL is suffering with menopause, maybe they’re both exhausted.

But ultimately MIL can be asked and can say no.

OP should stop funding 16 year old vapes, problem solved.

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I think my ageist comment was pretty mild compared to some previous posters suggesting she should have aborted!!!! Do you not feel that those were disgusting and vile things to say to OP. All the bad mother comments too. I felt somebody needed to defend her

Morningsleepin · 10/09/2025 19:44

I don't understand why you can't send one of your older two to the shop.

mamagogo1 · 10/09/2025 19:30

5 kids is your choice not hers, and you could have sent either of the elder two (unless you are really rural or just taken the youngest and left the elder two watching their siblings, no giving options

Newsnow · 10/09/2025 19:29

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 19:21

Thank you, I'm the commenter who was called out for being 'ageist' and you've hit the nail on the head, this thread is full of awful assumptions about the OP. Some of the comments are truly dreadful and.returning their energy is exactly where I was going with my post.

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You were ageist.

AliceMaforethought · 10/09/2025 19:29

Pastaandoranges · 10/09/2025 19:00

Why couldnt the 16 year old go to the shop. I think you need to get the older ones to help more. Alao you can get nappies on JustEat app deljvered in 15 mins in my area. I even order milk or butter on it when I am busy and need something asap and dont want to nip out.

While the sixteen year old could certainly have got the nappies and should help in an age appropriate way, this woman should also not expect her older children to parent her younger ones. If these people were daft enough to have that number of kids that is on nobody but themselves. Not their parents, nor the children. On them and them alone. Honestly the audacity of the OP has me quite riled up. What a CF.

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 19:28

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 19:21

Thank you, I'm the commenter who was called out for being 'ageist' and you've hit the nail on the head, this thread is full of awful assumptions about the OP. Some of the comments are truly dreadful and.returning their energy is exactly where I was going with my post.

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You were ageist. "Bitter old bats". Stinks of misogyny to boot.
Women are not responsible for fixing other women's problems at the drop of a hat.

Letsgoroundagainnow · 10/09/2025 19:26

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 19:21

Thank you, I'm the commenter who was called out for being 'ageist' and you've hit the nail on the head, this thread is full of awful assumptions about the OP. Some of the comments are truly dreadful and.returning their energy is exactly where I was going with my post.

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You were ageist…. Fact

Letsgoroundagainnow · 10/09/2025 19:24

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 17:42

I think you're making a lot of assumptions about parenting ability here! Of course nobody wants their 16 year old vaping, I didn't mention the vaping. By her tone it doesn't sound like OP is happy about it. Parenting 5 boys of different ages must be exhausting. And yes I think the older boys should help her, but that wasn't what the post was asking. I just know that I would absolutely want to help her in that situation and also don't understand why she's getting flamed for having 5 children. Life happens to all of us and it sounds like she's doing her best. With a 15 month old she could possibly be suffering with PND, in survival mode each day and all these comments shaming her for forgotten nappies could really do a number on her. Does nobody else think the earlier posts suggesting abortion rather than having 5 children were shocking and completely uncalled for?? Because I certainly did and it made me angry/sad on her behalf.

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The MIL was too tired, that’s why she doesn’t want to help! Even a bitter old bag (as you so kindly refer to anyone that would say no!) have the right to say she’s too tired. You’ve no idea how you will feel when you’re a MIL, so don’t talk rubbish!

Maybe she’s got PND, maybe MIL is suffering with menopause, maybe they’re both exhausted.

But ultimately MIL can be asked and can say no.

OP should stop funding 16 year old vapes, problem solved.

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 19:21

AguNwaanyi · 10/09/2025 18:48

Some of you have been quick to call out the ageism in that response and say OP’s complaint is sexist as though most respondents’ rude comments and attitude towards OP’s position as a mum of five aren’t riddled with misogyny. You’ll feel justified in being mean to others but when someone returns that energy you want the higher moral ground.

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Thank you, I'm the commenter who was called out for being 'ageist' and you've hit the nail on the head, this thread is full of awful assumptions about the OP. Some of the comments are truly dreadful and.returning their energy is exactly where I was going with my post.

InterIgnis · 10/09/2025 19:09

There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. There is nothing wrong with someone saying ‘no’ to that request. ‘I don’t want to’ is also a perfectly valid reason for saying no.

There’s plenty wrong with expecting help, and thinking women owe you their emotional, physical, and/or financial labor because children. They don’t.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2025 19:00

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 18:53

Finally someone with a bit of empathy! I agree, this thread has nearly turned me off Mumsnet, I made a post a while back defending OP and wasn't popular for it. I can't believe how much hate a clearly struggling and overwhelmed woman is receiving. These days we're repeatedly told there's no shame in asking for help but to read through these posts would lead you to believe the opposite is true sadly

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OP isn't asking for help, she's expecting help and when other options were available.

Very different things.

Pastaandoranges · 10/09/2025 19:00

Why couldnt the 16 year old go to the shop. I think you need to get the older ones to help more. Alao you can get nappies on JustEat app deljvered in 15 mins in my area. I even order milk or butter on it when I am busy and need something asap and dont want to nip out.

diddl · 10/09/2025 18:57

There's a husband, a 16yr old & a 13yr old & a bag o nappies was needed.

There was no need to be asking anyone else.

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 18:55

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 18:53

Finally someone with a bit of empathy! I agree, this thread has nearly turned me off Mumsnet, I made a post a while back defending OP and wasn't popular for it. I can't believe how much hate a clearly struggling and overwhelmed woman is receiving. These days we're repeatedly told there's no shame in asking for help but to read through these posts would lead you to believe the opposite is true sadly

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There is no shame is asking for help. There is shame in expecting help at the drop of a hat and blaming other people for the consequences of your choices.

This wasn't a thread about how overwhelmed OP is. Is was a thread about why it is somehow her MILs fault.

Blablibladirladada · 10/09/2025 18:55

She thinks you had 5 children and it is your responsibilities… she doesn’t want to be in more and will tell you no every single time.

She isn’t right or wrong. Like you aren’t right or wrong. You just aren’t agreeing with one another.

JulyDaisyChains · 10/09/2025 18:53

AnaisVB · 10/09/2025 18:21

This is one of the worst threads I’ve read on here for a long time . Classic MN . Shame as whenever I’ve asked a question I e actually had really constructive and lovely answers.

OP I think expected is the wrong word. But I’m surprised she doesn’t want to help out with her grandchildren, it’s sad and she doesn’t have to look after all five of the kids, but could offer to help out occasionally like neighbours do or friends! I don’t see why it’s different from a grandparent . Even if she can’t come round she could send shopping , do online things with any of them , send things for them to do. Plenty of ways to get involved as a grandparent
Im sorry you’re being dragged for having five children and the absolutely disgraceful comments about you being a bad mum. No sane person calls a stranger on the internet names, ignore them .
I would ask DH for more help and maybe advice about asking for some help from the family . I do agree that the 16 year old could help out with some things though.

Finally someone with a bit of empathy! I agree, this thread has nearly turned me off Mumsnet, I made a post a while back defending OP and wasn't popular for it. I can't believe how much hate a clearly struggling and overwhelmed woman is receiving. These days we're repeatedly told there's no shame in asking for help but to read through these posts would lead you to believe the opposite is true sadly

AguNwaanyi · 10/09/2025 18:48

C8H10N4O2 · 10/09/2025 17:45

Nice try and I can see why you changed name for this post.

Perhaps instead of slinging lazy ageist slurs you can explain why its OK for the male 16 year old (soon to be voting) to vape in his room rather than watch his siblings for 5 minutes or pick up nappies from the nearest shop?

Why its OK for the male 13 year old to shout at his Xbox rather than watch the younger children or go to the nearest nappy shop?

Why its OK for the male parent to just opt out of everything and not even stop by a shop on the way home (24 hr shops before you bleat about “long hours”)?
Why its ok for the OP to expect a woman who has no input to the day to day child/house management to drop everything to fill the gap when at least three of the males inside the household can do the job and then complain here when the one woman in the vicinity isn’t available.

Are all the men in this family so weighed down by the strain of testicles that they are useless or lazy?

I didn't raise 5DC but I raised 4DC and we had no local family available to drop everything to fix our failures. When one of us dropped the ball the first port of call would be the other spouse to pick up whatever had been forgotten. By 13 any of our DC could have gone to the shops for us in this situation, three could have watched younger siblings (the other would have been fine a year later). We also had backup plans and help in place for when balls dropped or the unexpected happened. Sometimes things still went tits up - we dealt with it.

What we didn’t do was sit and complain that the nearest available woman wasn’t dropping everything to fix our problems for us when several males.

Honestly this is the attitude that results in those “mothers of sons” posts whining that their DiL isn’t wiping Tarquin’s bum for him. Boys and men are entirely capable of these low level tasks but if you raise them to think its women’s work the same cycle continues.

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Some of you have been quick to call out the ageism in that response and say OP’s complaint is sexist as though most respondents’ rude comments and attitude towards OP’s position as a mum of five aren’t riddled with misogyny. You’ll feel justified in being mean to others but when someone returns that energy you want the higher moral ground.

jcsc · 10/09/2025 18:39

I get where you are coming from. I have also got 5 kids and my husband works full time including Saturdays. I work 4 days a week and I’m constantly running at 100 miles an hour and most nights I’m up til late doing housework, ironing and washing. I find I have to be regimented in a routine or everything will collapse around me.
I order my food shopping online and when I run out of everyday items and can’t nip to the shops I do a Tesco whoosh order. They are literally life savers in emergencies.

smallpinecone · 10/09/2025 18:34

AnaisVB · 10/09/2025 18:21

This is one of the worst threads I’ve read on here for a long time . Classic MN . Shame as whenever I’ve asked a question I e actually had really constructive and lovely answers.

OP I think expected is the wrong word. But I’m surprised she doesn’t want to help out with her grandchildren, it’s sad and she doesn’t have to look after all five of the kids, but could offer to help out occasionally like neighbours do or friends! I don’t see why it’s different from a grandparent . Even if she can’t come round she could send shopping , do online things with any of them , send things for them to do. Plenty of ways to get involved as a grandparent
Im sorry you’re being dragged for having five children and the absolutely disgraceful comments about you being a bad mum. No sane person calls a stranger on the internet names, ignore them .
I would ask DH for more help and maybe advice about asking for some help from the family . I do agree that the 16 year old could help out with some things though.

She could offer to help out, yes. But you haven’t considered why she might not want to.

She’s older, and may not have the energy reserves needed to deal with looking after younger children. She may still be working. She may have a busy social life of her own, or classes to attend, or any number of other chores and errands and household jobs of her own to attend to. She may not have the money to spend on sending OP shopping or items for the grandchildren. You seem to make free and easy with her resources of time and money.

And if none of the above applied - she’s still under no obligation to help. It doesn’t make her a bad person. She’s allowed to not want to. That’s a choice she can make. She can decide for herself how to spend her energy and time.

The only reason I can see for OP being ‘dragged’ for having five children is that when someone decides to have a large family, they have the number of children they can cope with. It’s not on to have a large number of children and then complain that the help you expect and want from others isn’t forthcoming. No one else made the decision to have the children, the parents did. It’s up to them to sort it out if they’re having problems, no one else.