Is it unreasonable to ask my husband when his son will leave?

It’s pretty standard nowadays for adult children to boomerang back and forth for a few years before they finally move out - and 25 isn’t exactly old.

I do wonder if it’s weirder for you because he’s closer to you in age than your husband, so it’s more like having a flatmate than an adult child at home.

Assuming you get on OK I would try to adapt to it as the new normal and make the most of it. There’s no way you can ask DH about when DS might move on; I’m sure DS wants his own place again but for now DH is clearly over the moon to have DS around. Bringing it up as an issue would surely upset him and it’s a rare partner that picks their OH over their DC.

According to a study by NatWest 28 is now the average age to leave, older of course if any specific issues or in high cost of living areas. Recent data from IFS suggests at 25 I think(going from memory here) approx half of men still live with parents.

It is six months OP. Not that there is a time limit. No, don’t ask when he is going to leave. At a later date, you could suggest that you and DH make sure you are supporting him to live more independently IF that’s what he wants, but not that you want him to leave.

Do you and your DH have any children together, or is that a possibility for the future?

This. It's fine for a few weeks, but this seems like an ongoing situation at your expense. You didn't sign up for a flat share.

I think you should try to maintain a good relationship with your stepson as you may need support with caring for your DH in the not too distant future. My cousin married a much older man who was diagnosed with dementia at 67.

Not really. His son’s an adult. A kid or disabled adult child come as a package. Because they need care. All children are an important part of their parents life and should be cared about and considered, but legal responsibility ends at 18, and if OP married her partner while his son lived elsewhere, it’s unreasonable to say just bc the son is newly single he is now part of her daily life too when he’s a fully functioning adult. Partners have to accept how much children, whatever age, mean to their parents, and be grown up enough to allow them to have a loving relationship. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t feel upset if they’re suddenly forced to live with them without complaint for the forseeable future.

Would it be the same for other relatives? Bestest best friends? Yes the relationship with children is different but there isn’t the ‘need’ for them to live with you if they are already independent. OP’s husband probably wouldn’t be keen on her sibling or cousin moving into his home long term and sharing activities with his wife every day which exclude him and reduce the time he spends with her.

It’s interesting how many threads there are to do with family enmenshment and many posters are very vocal in saying how unnatural it is etc. Usually it’s partners and their parents/siblings. Yet this scenario should be encouraged bc it’s the other way round?

When my sons are adults they are free to come home whenever they need to. If I was in a new relationship however I would have made this clear long before we got to the moving in stage.

in all hint though, 6 months isn’t that long after the breakup of a 10 year relationship.

They’re always welcome to come back and live if they want to.

Yeah, we all enjoy having our adult children come round, but not to live surely?

OP, YANBU

At 25 I think he's kind of on the cusp.

If he was 20, I'd be saying that he should absolutely be welcome to live long-term in his father's house, assuming he is a pleasant and reasonable young man (and even if he isn't, to be honest).

If he was 30, 35, 40... I'd be thinking that you'd be reasonable to expect that any arrangement was short term, and that you are reasonable to want to live with your DH alone as a married couple.

At 25... I don't know. He's still quite young, really. What is his financial position? Is this an affordability issue? Or do they both just enjoy it?

He sounds lovely and it’s great they have a good relationship. My eldest had a terrible break up, trouble is, my ex-husband had decided to make it really awkward for me to buy when we sold the family home just one month before so I was living in a small rental. ExH was living in his new partner’s house. My adult child moved in with them but was in a rented room within a couple of weeks as didn’t feel welcome. This made me so sad. My boyfriend’s adult stepson lived with him till 32. When stepson decided to move out, that’s when my boyfriend could move on. I do love him for that! Just be patient as he could move on any time and will get over this quicker with both your support. Otherwise it may damage your relationship with your husband longer term. I’ll never forget my DC’s face that time - if heartbreak is bad, heartbreak once removed when it’s your adult child is infinitely worse!
Btw DC understood my situation and we’re really close. We don’t really talk about ExH or new wife but recently DC couldn’t remember her name - says a lot - sad really.

Did you honestly relax in the nude though?

I assume that your children were yours and your husband's? It's obviously different when the husband or wife isn't the biologcal parent of the adult child.

I would expect some discussion with OP if the son is going to be there for years. OP may decide that this isn't what she expected or wanted her marriage to be.

He seems to spend a lot of his leisure time with his son, rather than OP so that is probably bothering her.

As others have said, it is really not uncommon these days for 20 something adults to still be at their parents house. Our DD moved back here after graduating and lived with us until she was 27 as she was saving hard for a deposit on a place of her own.

I enjoyed having her at home. She did pay something towards her living expenses and pull her weight around the house though. Is your DSS doing this or is he expecting to be just looked after? If the latter then I think it would be in order to have a word about their being 3 adults in the house so they all need to pitch in.

He's a grown man, time for him to go home, or find a new home. Of course you are not being unreasonable.

I would feel the same as you Op.

BUT.....when you have children, your home is their home if they ever need it. I have 2 adult children myself (that aren't my husbands), and if they ever needed to come home, I would welcome them with open arms.

I agree it's a difficult situation for you, though.

It is half of OPs house this MAN is living in!!! Did your dh even have a conversation about this before he invited him with you? Doesn’t sound like it!! They both need telling this was rude for a start and also this man doesn’t live here this is half of your home and guests are like fish and go off after 3 days and I guess he’s not cleaning /tidying / doing any housework or cooking or cleaning /shopping for extra everything? That’s been left to you to deal with too?

Agreed.

How do things work out between you and DH, do you have time together much while his son does his own thing, do you have alone time in front of the TV, is son included in most things, or is he the independent type who likes his privacy, and respects yours?

This can work out well for all of you, but there have to be compromises. I would not like it much myself IF my normal (up to now) lifestyle was impacted a lot, and IF I felt that my day to day life was changed a lot by the third presence.

It's his son, that I understand, however the son is a mature adult and Dad is doing him few favours by not encouraging him to be independent again and live his own life.

I know how you feel OP. It's not hatred or anything, but I suspect some resentment is creeping in because you might feel you are not your DH no. 1 in your house, whereas there was just the two of you for quite a while. Discuss with DH and see what his views are, but approach with caution!

I would imagine, given the relationship status of the Son and his age, you probably never really considered him coming to live with you might be part of the deal. That being said, I agree with other's that kids don't stop being your responsibility when they get to 18 and it's perfectly reasonable that you DH would want to support his son (I'd personally be very put off if he wasn't being supportive).

What is the specific issue? Do you just not like having him around or do you miss being alone with your DP? Could you carve out more time to do things as a couple?

Are people actually being serious about them coming as a package? This is a 25-year-old man, not a boy.

OP You are perfectly reasonable to ask for a time frame to be put on this.

In a similar position here, have my husband’s 23 year old son living here. He moved in when he was 18. He is welcome to live here as long as he wants/needs to and it just adds to the feeling of us being a family.

I would feel pushed out if they spent all of their time together but I’m fortunate that that isn’t the case. They do socialise / do other stuff together (aka the dreaded ‘hobby’ word) a couple times a week. I enjoy having that time to myself. But if it was constant, I wouldn’t be happy. Have you asked him/them to find a happy balance?

Until he feels well enough to leave. When he chooses too. He might not go for some years.

We had kids boomerang back and forth until late 20’s. Last one finally went at 28.