Is it unreasonable to ask my husband when his son will leave?

Wow, judgemental much! I think that judging anyone on that sort of criteria - age, colour, sex, race etc - is what is grim, when they are both consenting adults.

😁 😁 😁

No, it isn't at all

Fgs! Behave........

Which is what she is literally considering, given the title of this thread.

He won't know she has an issue unless she speaks up.

Why is the crux of the problem.
If he cant see it’s not ok to not involve his wife in a decision that affects her, in a house that’s hers too, then the OP has a much bigger issue at hand.

I know but she hasn't spoken up and I doubt it would go down well.

Two adults live there though, it's not purely the father's decision.

I had at least one of my step children living with us for over 20 years. In fact my stepdaughter moved in with me before her father did. They were the definition of boomerang children. Even if the one not physically living with us they always seemed to be living just round the corner. The only way I got my 30 year old step son to move out was to move to Milton Keynes. They all did eventually follow us and buy houses round the corner.

It is part and parcel of being with someone who has kids but it is hard trying to carve out some alone time to be a couple but it must be much harder with an adult child. I used to tell them that we were having a date night and all that entailed. They always found somewhere else to be that night.

For all my moaning to their face I loved it and would not have changed a moment of it.

This thread is mad. People come as a package with their dependent children. Dependent. Not 25 year old children who have already moved out years ago. Yes he loves his child and loves spending time with them. I love my parents and I love spending time with them. And I'd happily have one parent living with me when the other passes away. But I wouldn't think it was fair to move my parent in indefinitely without full awareness of the arrangement or explicit agreement of my husband. As I understand that having someone living with you, has an impact, even when they're easy to live with etc. I find it weird when there are threads about 'should my widowed mother in law expect to come on holiday with us' 'should I tell my husbands aunt that she can't move next door to us' and the answers are always 'you need to prioritise your own relationship / little family'...but on this thread you're expected to not even raise the subject with your husband about another adult living with you indefinitely

Also, in a marriage you should be able to have an honest conversation with someone without putting them in an awkward position or worrying about it. Surely it's fine to say to your husband that you have enjoyed seeing his son more and you can see he has as well, but you weren't expecting it to be indefinitely and ask what timescales he was thinking of. I don't understand how that could be an issue. Having an adult living in the same space as a married couple, does impact the married couple, even if the reasons are understandable

Children in their 20s quite often stay at home or move in and out. I think the question wouldn't arise if it was the child of you both. The other dynamic is who actually owns the house regardless of whether it's your home or not. I think it's a battle you're likely to lose.

Don't have children with him. With the fact he is treating his adult son like this (putting him before you, and not keen for him to leave,) and the big age gap between you, you will find yourself looking after 3 generations in a few years. Your middle age will be full of drudgery and childcare, and pandering to men and children, mixed with being a carer.

Being judgemental is more grim.

I never asked how long for, but do sort of wish that I had :-).

@Sunflowers67 can I ask why you’d wish you had talked about how long she’d stay/boundaries?

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a previous family home or not.

The idea that you still have YOUR bedroom in YOUR family house as a working adult is weird. (And not the same than saying that an adult dc will always be welcome).

Now it’s YOUR family home too @MyMintRobin . And that means you have away. You should be consulted on how long he’ll stay etc…
The problem isn’t whether it’s fine for the ds to still be there 6 months on. Some people will think it’s great, others it’s normal even if a pain, others will find it awful.
The problem is the lack of communication, the fact theres no boundaries in place (to those saying ‘no adult child will want to stay at dad’s forever, what’s your limit to say ‘now it’s too long’. A year, 2 years, 10 years? Because many Fulky working adults chose the cozy life of been looked after at mum agd/or dad’s). It’s the fact it has been imposed on the OP.

At least you're close to his son's age. You might have some stuff in common. How well do you get on with him?

My daughter also moved back home due to some of those curve balls that get thrown at people in life. She needed help and I was in a position to offer it. I never asked how long for, but do sort of wish that I had :-).
I completely understand the situation of not being able to do your usual thing in your own home. It's an adjustment for everyone - some of those adjustments are positive and some not so!
It's lovely for your husband to get that extra time with his son and at the moment, like all of us do, his son needs to be around people and keeping busy after his break up. But he is an adult that has not lived at home for a long time and once he has healed a little from the break-up, he will not want to be living at home.
This situation will not be for years and years, I guarantee it.

Maybe for the time being, join in with them where you can also? Be supportive to him, talk to him about how he is feeling, how you can help etc. Speaking as someone who recently came out of a very long relationship, I needed to be around people for about three months - after that I started to need my own solitude, privacy, peace - he will too. Once he gets to that stage, I am sure you and his dad can look at ways that you could help practically - deposit on a flat closer to work?

But for now, I think it is early days to be pushing the issue and will only cause disharmony amongst you all. Be patient and wait. He will be wanting out again in no time and then you can walk around naked again :-)

Lol
The child in question is a Fulky grown adult, not a teenager!

Regardless of whether the OP is a stepmum or a mum, I think it’s fair to ask how long said adult child is going to live with them. I also think it’s pretty normal to ask your partner about having someone else living in the house long term. Not just impose it by default.

35 with a 55 year old is grim.

Your DSS sounds OK to live with but I can imagine you feel awkward Op, there's only 10 yrs between you so he's more like a contempary than a stepchild. Have you asked your DSS if he has plans for the future, in a friendly way of course

His father is happy with it though, I don't think a conversation about trying to get him gone would go down well. I get where she's coming from but children will always come first even adult children.

That doesn't mean you have to tolerate living with them when they are adults. He's not a child.

I don't think I'd necessarily want my OWN children still hanging around at that age. That's not to say I wouldn't have them...

Somewhat surprised (or maybe not...) that 46% of voters think OP is not being unreasonable. But then maybe I shouldn't be surprised as it's sort of a bit common on Mumsnet for partners' children to be seen as cuckoos in the nest. (Or maybe I've got the expression the wrong way round and it's the posting Mumsnetter who regards her partner's child as the cuckoo in the nest)

I love having my adult children to stay. It's so nice. OH ( not their dad) never minds, but occasionally he will say oh when is Barney2 leaving? I hope he's just asking for clarification, but I do get a bit prickly so tread carefully OP.

I would be asking what's his plans for the future. Is probably expect him to be gone in the new year personally. I do get how hard it can be breaking up after such a long time, and it's good he's been able to stay with you, but it shouldn't be long term.

I find it bizarre people seem to feel a 25 year old comes as a package with his dad. I was married at 25 and had a mortgage! As do many posters in their twenties on here (I'm now early 30s). I know if my life fell apart I'd be welcome at my mum's house. I also know after 6 months she would have already started asking what my plans were. You should always offer your kids a safety net, but I think it's time for him to start moving on now.