So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

My 13yo son is diagnosed with OCD and hasn’t attended school for over a year. He’s on a very high dose of antidepressants. Maybe I should tell him life goes on and push him out the door. Everyone is different in how they cope. Having experience of a particular condition doesn’t make you the world’s leading authority on everyone else with similar diagnoses. I had OCD when I was a teenager and managed to get to school. I still don’t expect my child to be able to.

Surely DH is meeting his need for a holiday? OP is the one missing out.

Maybe with her dx, a better understanding of he symtoms and some new strategies, she can work towards a holiday, if that's what she wants.

I agree with this - I am clinically/medically diagnosed with GAD and OCD - no one knows apart from my close family but life goes on and I have to get on with things that cause me me to (internally) freak out.

A lot of people have things going on - and needs don’t always get to trump those of others.

This has been an unnecessarily harsh MN response.

A disability is not a preference and it’s obviously had a big impact on your life without you knowing until now why..

Yes I agree with you, your family could show more curiosity and understanding. They don’t seem like they are going to though.

I would stop sending things about your diagnosis to your DH as he isn’t interested and it’s making things worse. Is the relationship struggling in other ways?

Is there a support group perhaps that meet online? It might help you feel less alone.

Op has said that DS has his own hobbies and is off on a sporting holiday soon, so no, it doesn't mean that other family members never go on holiday or anywhere. It just means that up until now, OP hasn't been accompanying them on holiday or trips to the theatre or cinema.

My DS has an ASD diagnosis, we would never think of expecting him to endure a hot, crowded, noisy café when we could equally choose another where we know he is comfortable. We make a reasonable adjustment.

When he was younger, he wore ear protectors so that he could cope in noisy chicken/pizza restaurants. He compromised.

We organise our family holidays around what he enjoys (currently: camping, fell walking and heritage railways) because that's what will make our holidays enjoyable for us all. There's nothing like a truly miserable kid to kill the holiday vibe! DS gets to do what he wants. DH enjoys time off work and fell walking. Because I am unable to do the fell walking, I take a book and some paints so I get time to myself to pursue my gentle hobbies that nobody else is interested in. We all enjoy a ride on a steam train with coffee and cake at a pretty heritage station café. We all loved the Laurel & Hardy Museum telling their history with original artifacts and showing their reels back to back in the tiny cinema at Ulverston. DS had never sen a Laurel and Hardy movie. We all laughed uproareously! For a rainy day, I highly recommend. I digress....

Ok, this last accommodation (organising our whole holiday around him) is a bit more extreme but he's 13 years old. He most likely won't want to holiday with us forever and will soon reach an age when he can be trusted to be home alone while we jet off to Barcelona (That's one of my dream destinations).

Also, 'hangry' is real (even with adults)! It just takes a bit of planning to avoid those affected getting to that state.

My point is that we navigate family life with a combination of adjustments, accommodations and compromises so that we are all reasonably comfortable and get a chance to do the things we enjoy.

It sounds like the café incident was just bad planning OP but now that you have a diagnosis, you can better understand some of the reasons behind your symptoms, and work on strategies to help you cope in some of the situations that you would have avoided in the past such as visiting your daughter. Maybe, noise cancelling earbuds for aural overload, something akin to the spoons method described by PP and a little bit of CBT?

Long and involved articles may not be your husband's bag but he sounds like a nice man (taking you both shopping which he hates) and I'm sure he'll be on board with the positive changes that you can make.

Wow. You sound triggered. Have you been called a whiner before

And the OP is about a lot more than just a "stupid café" It's about being accommodated when you have a disability

This isn't really the place for aggressive outbursts.

Bloody hell OP every single one of your replies are Me me me I I I.

I think of someone can’t manage to go on holiday, then they shouldn’t have to. If it’s important to a loved one, they shouldn’t have the option of going without you. Ultimately, maybe if it’s a partner and holidays are importing to them , then maybe the couple aren’t well suited.

My friends child is autistic and they can’t manage holidays due to it. He can’t cope with the changes it involves and as a loving parent, my friend is understanding of that.

In OPs case, her husband is going away with friends and hasn’t mentioned that bring an issue to either of them.

You claimed that it is assumed that NT have no needs, which is what I said I found bizarre. If anyone assumes you have no needs, you should remove them from your life imo.

Your DD may well have traits you don't know about too. It's easy to look at others and think everything is fine for them, but we all have problems and limitations. I'm sorry that you are struggling but try not to think everything is easy for others.

All of this - the biggest advantage of my late ADHD diagnosis has been the understanding of why I feel, react and behave the way I do and means that I can access ADHD specific tools to help.

But it does change the way you behave and interact with others - including those closest to you as you no longer need to constantly mask and filter your feelings through the lens of what is normal.

That doesn't mean to say I now expect to have everything my way - but it does mean that my DH knows that if we go somewhere busy, I will need time to decompress afterwards.

I think it is also unfair if OPs DH is not willing to understand what having ADHD actually means or how it presents and affects the OP. My DH has listened to me talk about it and explain the different elements.

While he has always been supportive (recognising when I need time alone or when I am not myself), now we know that the time alone is because I am overstimulated. He can spot when I am getting hyperactive or hyper-focussed before I do and checks in that I have taken my meds.

He can see when I am suffering from decision paralysis and proactively steps in rather than waiting for me to ask for help as he would previously (which would happen sometime never).

I can also talk to him more when I feel the rejection sensitivity kicking in - whereas before, I would never voice those concerns because I thought it made me sound paranoid.

Being able to take the mask off at home is a massive help as the constant masking, internalised struggles and inability to plan and be organised like other people pre-diagnosis led to burnout and nearly to a complete breakdown.

People who say that loved ones don't want to hear it because you are who you have always been don't get that ADHD can cause you to mask your true self even from those who are closest to you! A late diagnosis is a big deal because it fundamentally changes your perception of yourself and forces you to reframe your entire history.

@Thevegetarianchef - I would definitely recommend counselling and / or ADHD coaching, it's really helpful! I also recommend reading Now It All Makes Sense by Alex Partridge and The ADHD Women's Wellbeing Toolkit by Kate Moryoussef

I expect there is a much higher proportion of people on MN that are ND due to the nature of enjoying online communication.

I absolutely agree. In a similar vein, people who are introverted are often attracted to chat forums. It always amuses me when there are threads about being introverted vs extroverted. Loads of posters mock the fact that Mumsnet is disproportionately populated with introverted people. No shit Sherlock … They also claim that introverted people are hard work and that think they’re better than everyone else. But that’s a whole other thread!

Also if you are ND there is a high chance your DD is as well! Which may explain the phuffiness

We're not married. He tells everybody he is autistic, most of all me. I asked him where he was diagnosed. Silence.

Don't you ever fucking call me a whiner again. The only person whining on this thread of the op over a stupid cafe.

Your DH and your DD already have a better measure than most regarding who you are. They don't need a reading list to know what you're like, they've lived with you and your bouts of depression and anxiety for years. The diagnosis is not to help others modify their behaviour, it's to help you understand yourself better.

You might find that professionally the diagnosis has helped because you work for a company that has a policy in place to accommodate the wishes of people with the diagnosis you have. Family relationships don't necessarily work like that, you're a wife, and a mother there.

I'd make a start to try to improve things with DH and DD by trying to foster some curiosity about their experience and feelings of being in a relationship with you over the years, what that has been like, listen, and try to strengthen your empathy muscle, and accept that everyone has needs and preferences, diagnosis or not.

I am late diagnosed ADHD and it has been such a relief in many ways but it's also a challenge. If you have been diagnosed you should also have access to either an ADHD counsellor or at least CBT therapy. Being diagnosed was a relief to me as I am no longer waiting for the magic 'key' that everyone else seemed to have and I don't. I understand why I behave the way I do and it means I can put strategies in to cope with it (ie dealing with the mundane, dealing with sensory overload etc). It does also mean I can provide an explanation to family and close friends around what my help me. I hyperfocus and don't like being interrupted and my family know this now. You can't though just assume that peiple will know. The diagnosis is the start of your journey and will take time for you to learn what works and then get other people involved. To just expect that over night isn't realistic. Ensure you are getting the support you need.

Try to make it more about you. You are allowing other people to creep into your life.

I expect there is a much higher proportion of people on MN that are ND due to the nature of enjoying online communication.

One of my children's old teachers was very black and white about ND children needing to fit in, having to learn to mask etc. She was rigidly fixated on everyone needing to be the same. Initially I thought she was just ignorant, but eventually I realised she was probably ND herself.

Until I learned a lot more about autism and ADHD myself via my child being diagnosed i absolutley wouldn't have understood these sorts of issues. Or realised why I also felt so strongly aboht certain things!

Being neurodivergent doesn’t mean you don’t have to compromise sometimes and that you never have to do things you don’t like.

Being neurotypical doesn’t mean your family don’t have needs and preferences of their own or that there is nothing they find stressful and difficult.

Your wishes aren’t suddenly more important than everyone else’s just because they’re related to your neurodivergence. You’re the same person you were before your diagnosis and, just as you presumably did before, you still need to take other people’s views and feelings into account. You can’t expect everything to be tailored to you.

I’m not neurotypical - I’m different type of neurodivergent to you, but my neurodivergent condition does mean there are some situations that I find more difficult and stressful than most. However, there are times when I have to accept that I need to put up with them for the sake of other people, and I don’t think my neurodivergence means my feelings take precedence over other people’s. Nor do I bombard my family with articles about my condition. It’s my issue to manage, not theirs.