So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

I don't think it's always lack of understanding, some of us have extensive personal experience of caring for or otherwise accommodating neurodivergent people.

But to have successful relationships is all about balancing everyone's needs. The needs that come from autism, from hunger, from physical disability or illness...

Ops daughter was really hungry, that's a need that should be taken into consideration too

Wow, such tough responses. I would be interested in knowing more about any condition my loved ones live with. I have a child with AuDHD and learning about the conditions has been super helpful for a more harmonious household.

I think it can help to understand why you don't like crowded noisy spaces and it's not that you are just trying to be difficult. That said, sometimes you do have to suck it up and be in an environment that is tricky if there is a higher priority.

There is a lot of misunderstanding on here, with people saying that OP is suddenly expecting to be treated differently, when both has changed other than her getting a diagnosis. That is rarely the case. With a diagnosis often comes an understanding of what someone has found difficult for a long time, and why they perhaps struggle at other times due to earlier sensory overload. OP may never have understood that feelings that she may never have understood originated from the cosiness of the cafe. With that new understanding, she now know that by going to somewhere that is less of a sensory issue, she can be more herself, and probably more open and receptive to her family. While this does not mean she has precedence of choice, having her new understanding understood and accepted will mean a lot.

FWIW we have recently come to understand that our 12 year old is neurodivergent, and with it, we are learning lots of things that make life easier for him, and as a result us. But based on what I'm reading here, should I just be saying that he has to put up with it, and it's better that we all continue to experience a more challenging version of him because ultimately, I want coffee somewhere that doesn't meet his needs?

I find the lack of understanding on this thread astonishing. I am still waiting for my diagnosis but since I realised I am autistic I have stopped masking. It was exhausting. I forgive myself more. I remember being out with family or at family parties and sweating because I felt so uncomfortable. I give myself permission to be a hermit. I'm lucky in that the son who lives with me is also autistic and understands me very well, and vise versa.

No, it’s not. ND is a vague/umbrella term that’s gaining popularity online. Being ND doesn’t make anyone automatically disabled.

ADHD, Tourette’s, etc are disabilities.

But you want others to recognise yours? Indeed it is the whole ethos of your first post and feeling lonely is that others don’t see you yet you can’t see anyone ekse

which isn’t true becuase I think they probably do see it to some extent they just don’t front and centre it

which is right everything is a balance no one needs can be accommodated above all others

What do you do with your DH and DD fpr fun?

We can't see others sensitivities though

It would seem that this is exactly what you're requiring of your DH and DD though? To work around your sensitivities. This is very likely not to do with smoothies, there seems to be an inability to accept that she is a human being with complex feelings, just like you are, just like your DH is?

It that worth dealing with for you? Serious question. It sounds exhausting.

How do you know the not liking shopping isn’t related to being ND? The OP was late diagnosed. She possibly went through a lot of life just thinking she didn’t like busy places or holidays. But when you haven’t been diagnosed you use different terms. If the husband and daughter of the OP get diagnosed they may change how they word things and say they cannot cope with shopping. Maybe the husband and daughter were masking all day in order to get through things related to a disability they do not yet have diagnosed.

People that do not have a ND diagnosis can also find certain situations very stressful, and shopping might be one of them. It's not the preserve of the ND, just because someone has the capability to keep a lid on their behaviour doesn't mean it's not taking a massive toll to do so. We all have preferences and requirements, and emotional reactions, some of them stronger than others. The diagnosis is not the answer, it's information in order for OP to make the adjustments she needs in order to cope better.

It's about being accommodated when you have a disability

The problem is with ND conditions is you CANNOT accommodate everyone. Especially when some people have conditions but are not diagnosed yet? Or do you think only diagnosed people are disabled by their condition?

ND people often have conflicting needs. These often cannot all be accommodated at one time. If you put a group of autistic people together they won’t all want/need the same thing. And often those needs interfere with another persons needs and chaos starts.

It’s POSSIBLE the OPs husband and daughter also have ND conditions. What if they were? What if this was a family where the daughter needed to eat RIGHT NOW or she’d meltdown. But the OP needed to wait to find another place. Who’s needs gets pushed to the side? The other thing to remember is in people with ND conditions they mask. Then after a lot of masking they can meltdown. So what if the OPs daughter had been masking all day and putting her needs to one side and the cafe incident was the straw that broke her etc. There’s no way to know.

People seem to compare this to physical disabilities a lot. Firstly, you can normally accommodate many things in one place. Stairs AND ramp etc. Written AND spoken options. The issue with ND conditions is you often can’t. You can’t have a cafe that allows ND people to play phones/tablets out loud, allows noisy fidget toys, but is also quiet and calm at the same time. It’s just not possible. And this is where the argument that all ND disabilities MUST be accommodated at all times. They just cannot be.

I dont think cramped cafes are nice for anyone so i’d much rather sit in a spacious cafe where you can properly relax and enjoy the drink. Before you meet, i’d make it clear if there are places you know you wont be ok in. If its busy everywhere, then I would just take yourself off for abit and they can go to the cafe of their choice. There will be times you will have to compromise or do your own thing.

Daughter stomping off is really sad though, especially when you dont live close.

Ah, fair enough. Sorry for jumping on you. And thank you for your good wishes.

You do realise that ND is a disability and "not liking shopping" is not, right?

I didn’t mean it like that and I am very sorry to hear about your child. OCD can be completing debilitating - I was extremely unwell when my son was born and I contemplated suicide. I am not minimising mental health.

My point was not that is not just ND people who are suffering and experiencing conditions that make like extremely difficult . I am sorry I didn’t make my point correctly and wish your child the best for the future. I hope they can improve with time.

OP has not mentioned if she has any pets - dare I say to her - buy a dog? Pets are wonderful and dogs in particular truly love you. Who needs people?

I'd be happy with those holidays! And that level of compromise.

DD also wears Loops earbuds when she is having a dizzy spell. Quite effective.