So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

Ok... I say all of this very gently and to try and help you, as a late diagnosed ADHD female, with likely Autistic traits myself. It's going to be long, sorry.

For the sake of your relationships, you need to try and reflect and be honest with yourself, even if not us, about this statement. I know others are saying your diagnosis makes no difference, but I think it massively affects your perception and processing of situations/events, I know mine does, and I constantly find myself making myself pause to consider their POV.

Based on what you have said so far, it is incredibly unlikely that both DH and DD are having spontaneous temper tantrums for no reason, you're just not recognising the steps that got there.

For starters the "compromises all weekend"

• Did they know you were compromising?

Often in these situations I find the conflict/blow up comes because I haven't expressed calmly and in a non emotive way my preferences or POV until the point at which I'm disregulated by the situation, by which point it's impossible to communicate them regularly.

At what point did you communicate that your preference was for a quiet location?
The ideal time for this was when coffee was decided. "Yeah that's a great idea DD, let's grab a drink before we head back. Shopping has really taken it out of me, any chance we can head somewhere that's not too packed so I can catch my breath?"
If someone said the above, before you've headed anywhere, it's far easier to have a quick think about where's likely to fit that criteria and go there, and they likely never would have picked somewhere unsuitable. If someone said nothing, let us walk when already tired and hungry to one spot, and then was told that didn't suit and someone wanted to go somewhere else, probably in a different direction, I'd be annoyed that they just hadn't said that from the outset.

You cannot, and should not, avoid all discomfort. Masking is not inherently bad/ It's important to learn how to juggle your social battery
I think it's really easy with a late diagnosis (meaning as an adult, because I guess as a child you have limited say in what or how much changes) to have an epiphany of "all these things I thought everyone felt/did/struggled with, they don't, and not everyone has to mask to achieve these things, therefore I will be like them and stop masking.
Masking I'm noticing seems to be talked about more and more, particularly in ND circles as a negative thing and sometimes to be avoided at all costs, which feels a bit dangerous and unhelpful. It's a life skill. NT people mask all the time, at work, socialising with a partner's friends who they don't particularly like, at kids events/PTA stuff. It's a persona, a version of you adapted for the environment. The issue with masking in NDs is that you can find yourself needing to do it constantly, which leads to all sorts of issues as it's not sustainable. But that doesn't mean you can't/never should. If you have been able to eat/drink in cramped coffee shops before, you can do it again. It might be more of a drain on your social battery, but you could do it. Late diagnosed people saying they 'cant' do something actually mean "I am no longer interested in masking my feelings in this scenario" which is valid, only they can choose what they will and won't mask for but you can't then be surprised that others are frustrated by that lack of compromise, when they themselves often mask for short periods for the benefit of those around them.
For example, I won't mask on a date, because it's important to me that any potential partner was comfortable with the slightly chaotic version of me, I would never want to have to mask permanently around someone I was in a relationship with, nor do I particularly mask around my ND friends because we're cut from the same cloth and it's a bit different, but I absolutely would mask some elements in social situations where social norms required me to talk less, interact with people I wouldn't normally, etc. I'm not a fan of crowded, busy places, but I could grin and bear it for a half hour if that decision suited the majority. But that resilience and masking is a skill that needs practice. Allowing yourself to avoid anything that makes you feel uncomfortable does not help in the long run.

Which brings me onto the second part of this last subheading about managing your social battery. Perhaps look at the spoon theory if you haven't already, it was designed with chronic illness in mind but has similar applications to mental/emotional load/resilience for ND brains. In essence, it's about viewing spoons as capacity and knowing how many spoons you have on a given day (which varies according to multiple factors) and how many spoons certain activities/environments "cost". The idea is not to spend more spoons than you have, but for me (I'm sure it's not as straightforward forward in cases of chronic illness) I'm open to borrowing from future days, you just factor this in. And that doesn't mean spending the spoons on the bits that work for you and then simply telling others their choices can't happen as you're sold out, there's an obligation to you to pace yourself. If that means you know that you've got a busy evening, you have a slightly quieter day, or that you cut shopping short by a busy shop or 2 to leave spoons for coffee without feeling on the edge, then that's something to do.
From DHs perspective. If I had dragged around the shops, with no real interest in it, and I thought the trade off was that I was going to get a "nice" coffee in an independent coffee shop with a cake or a treat, and then because the person who wanted to go shopping had shopped herself out, we ended up in a soulless M&S cafe with shipped in and defrosted cake, I'd be really disappointed.

Its not clear whether you saw DD all weekend, or just for shopping (you say in first post you met upnwith her, but then say all TV and food choices were "theirs") which implies DD may have been about all weekend, and it's also not clear whether you travelled to her or vice versa, but it probably could have been predicted that this weekend/day might have been overstimulating/overwhelming for you and so I would have been planning my day(s) either side to be as low stimulation as needed to allow me to rally and mask as needed to make the most of my time with a DD you rarely see. Alternatively, choosing not to do anything that doesn't feel you with joy and/or makes you uncomfortable is a choice, and that's valid, but it's important you are aware that is a conscious choice, and then not to be surprised or put out if those around you are either exasperated/annoyed, or choose to start doing things without you .

It requires give and take, and if they can see genuine effort on your part, they're far more likely to try and meet you in the middle, but your posts read a bit like your idea of compromise is factored entirely around your diagnosis and how you want things to go, with little consideration for what they would like to do.

I would suggest some therapy with someone well versed in ND clients. It's important you use the diagnosis as a blueprint to yourself to enable an understanding of yourself and use this to find strategies and tools to help you thrive, and to reframe conversations and situations where we feel misunderstood and consider alternative POVS, not as a reason to expect those around you to prioritise your wishes above all others at all times. It takes a huge amount of work and self awareness, but it'll be worth it!

Are they bored with just the beach or a nature reserve? Have you asked them?

Your responses are very terse, so it's quite hard to tell if your family is happy or not.

I should think most young people wouldnt want to hang out at a nature reserve all the time.

So then it comes down to your needs versus theirs. You shouldn't be forced to go to the cinema or on holiday..But equally they can't be forced to be overflowing with joy at going to a nature reserve.

Katemiskin we hardly see DD so usually we just chill or go to a nature reserve.
She has a very busy social life and DH plays sports has sporting holidays watches sport on TV be it football or grand Prix or rugby.
If we visit her we go to the beach.

Let me explain to you what it can be like. Imagine sitting somewhere, your ADHD makes you hyper vigilant. You have no choice but to listen to every conversation going on round you, look at and assess the actions of everyone. It’s not a choice, it is your body’s natural way of being, you can’t shut it off. Then imagine how over stimulating that can be. Potentially you can cut out the noise with headphones, but then your body can still see so it might become even more distracted. You can’t sit with your back to people because your body panics not being able to observe. You have trouble processing anything being said to you because you likely have auditory processing disorder. So your body goes into fight or flight ?previously your mask used to slip occasionally and you would start an argument over something seemingly trivial), now your prefrontal cortex has shut down and you can’t make a decision over what to eat.drink because the decision part of your brain has gone offline. You’re sure that table is laughing at you, esp the one in the red jumper, red jumper, didn’t there used to be a tv programme with someone in a red jumper you watched as a kid, oh banana splits was a tv programme then, when did that run? You grab your phone to google, a notification of a facebook post pops up, you doom scroll on Facebook and that provides relief from the noise. You suddenly become aware of your husband and daughter looking angrily at you asking what you want to eat. You haven’t a clue so you pick the third one down as it’s your default )I’m vegan partly for this reason choices are made for you). You can’t join in the conversation because you can’t process what is being said, with all the distractions of listening into everyone else’s conversation - everyone is now in a mood, you’re eating food you hate, it has a terrible texture and you feel ill. You leave to go to the loo, you need to hide - you’re in a heightened emotional state, adrenaline cortisol is high. You try all your visualisation and breathing exercises. You go back, get accused of ruining lunch, you’ll still be going over this in 5 years time. You have zero control over any of the above. You’re so exhausted due to all the hormonal fluctuations the situation created you spend the afternoon in bed - guilt ridden hating yourself.

Or you could all just go to M&S and have a quiet lunch

It's not about getting what you want 🙄

And also, I really think that it's very aggressive to think that ND needs trump all other needs. They are a factor to be added to the balance. But to successfully have family relationships or couple relationships you can't dictate or dominate

That normally means that either no one gets accommodated or those who moan the loudest get what they want.

That normally means that either no one gets accommodated or those who moan the loudest get what they want.

If employers are expected to adapt to ND employees then surely family members should at least bear in mind ND traits and try to accommodate them wherever possible?

Everyone gets accommodated to the best of everyone's ability.

Do you really see no difference between an employer-employee relationship and a family relationship?

What if multiple members of the family are ND? Whose needs get accommodated?

Oh I do get that, but I wonder how many time over the duration of her relationship and parenting OP has put everyone else's needs first. We cannot just assume that because she wanted something on this occasion, that she always expects this. Personally, I am wondering why everyone is so accepting that a presumably neurotypical adult allowed herself to get so hungry that she couldn't even tolerate a small wait for food! To me, that in itself is quite concerning - can we all just snap and expect the world to resolve around d us because we are hungry, when as an adult, she could have presumably expressed that need earlier so their was time for compromise. But everyone is quick to jump on the neurodivergent being h reasonable, even though here, it seems that someone else failing to express their need early enough may be the bigger issue.

If employers are expected to adapt to ND employees then surely family members should at least bear in mind ND traits and try to accommodate them wherever possible?

No, it’s not. ND is a vague/umbrella term that’s gaining popularity online. Being ND doesn’t make anyone automatically disabled.

ADHD, Tourette’s, etc are disabilities.

But to have successful relationships is all about balancing everyone's needs. The needs that come from autism, from hunger, from physical disability or illness...

Ops daughter was really hungry, that's a need that should be taken into consideration too

There is a lot of misunderstanding on here, with people saying that OP is suddenly expecting to be treated differently, when both has changed other than her getting a diagnosis. That is rarely the case. With a diagnosis often comes an understanding of what someone has found difficult for a long time, and why they perhaps struggle at other times due to earlier sensory overload. OP may never have understood that feelings that she may never have understood originated from the cosiness of the cafe. With that new understanding, she now know that by going to somewhere that is less of a sensory issue, she can be more herself, and probably more open and receptive to her family. While this does not mean she has precedence of choice, having her new understanding understood and accepted will mean a lot.

FWIW we have recently come to understand that our 12 year old is neurodivergent, and with it, we are learning lots of things that make life easier for him, and as a result us. But based on what I'm reading here, should I just be saying that he has to put up with it, and it's better that we all continue to experience a more challenging version of him because ultimately, I want coffee somewhere that doesn't meet his needs?

There are a lot of people on this thread who clearly have zero understanding of ADHD or Autism etc. who have zero understanding of the exhaustion essentially living a lie for 40 odd years has taken, who have zero understanding of the relief removing that mask. Once that mask is off there is no way it’s going back on permanently just to make others feel comfortable - do wear your real face with pride.

I don't think it's always lack of understanding, some of us have extensive personal experience of caring for or otherwise accommodating neurodivergent people.

I find the lack of understanding on this thread astonishing. I am still waiting for my diagnosis but since I realised I am autistic I have stopped masking. It was exhausting. I forgive myself more. I remember being out with family or at family parties and sweating because I felt so uncomfortable. I give myself permission to be a hermit. I'm lucky in that the son who lives with me is also autistic and understands me very well, and vise versa.