So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

I think that ignores the bulk of the context about how that friend has been for 40 years. It's clearly a long-term repeating pattern that the poster and all the other friends/family have got fed up of, not a new development that warrants attention.

I do think asking you to read an entire book was a bit much. But what if your friend had asked you to read a couple of webpages? Surely that is a reasonable enough request. Of course it’s her diagnosis, but is it really so wrong of her to want the people she loves to have a little insight? Certainly when it comes to conditions such as ADHD and autism, where the person is possibly exhausted by years of masking, they might want to reduce the masking somewhat and would hope that there might be some understanding rather than just shock or surprise.

DH makes little attempt with the grown up dcs and I pointed out we could lose contact in the future.

DH loves the dcs and is probably closer to DD through hobbies.

You are muddling your story OP depending on the post you’re responding to

DH makes little attempt with the grown up dcs and I pointed out we could lose contact in the future.

DH loves the dcs and is probably closer to DD through hobbies.

Those two things seem to contradict and cancel each other out. And the way you've rewritten the whole sequence of events now sounds like total non-event. Three people go shopping and have snacks, plus the underlying dynamics of a couple of 40 years who aren't perfect but have opted to rub along together. I'd focus on understanding yourself more and finding other likeminded connections to help with the loneliness as it doesn't sound like your family is going to change much at this point, assuming you stick together.

Pretty much

all very strange.

3 adults…. None of whom come across as behaving well.

These family holidays must be…. Fraught

Think it's still a 'I'm right and bowing to their needs, they're awful to me' ?

Huh?

It's mumsnet, of course the dh is in the wrong....🙄

And it’s been 40 years of unhappiness and then DD born and more unhappiness? And o going unhappiness ?

This is 3 adults…. All with their own issues that need addressing. Pronto

Omg @Jom222 that would've driven me (even more) mad!

Of course it's a bit different for OP. There's really nothing wrong with expecting her DH to actually pay some attention to helping her/supporting her in coming up with strategies to make things easier for everyone including himself. Understanding the problem goes quite a long way to coming up with solutions.

I have a dear old friend who suffers from severe depression and a few years ago was diagnosed with idk some variant of bipolar

she's diagnosed with something new annually so I always take the news with a large grain of salt. Has always been a hypochondriac which I mostly ignore bc she's also a wonderful lovely person.

She wanted me to read a book-a fucking BOOK- about her new ailment so I'd understand it and her.

I flat out refused, said I've known and loved you for over 40 years and I won't participate in this. You're literally the same woman you were yesterday.

I didn't tell her my real feelings of irritation and anger that she thought it was okay to expect me to join her on her masturbatory search for her inner self. She ended up being so disappointed in all her close friends and relatives, nobody wanted to read books or the many articles she sent us all.

OP your diagnoses is about YOU. Nobody else. YOU need to learn how to integrate your diagnoses into making your life better now. It's wrong to expect anyone else to be researching it or thinking about how to make your life better. That's your job-your friends and family love you but don't place this burden on them.

Yes - I avoid our M&S cafe because it's bright and echoey and busy- certainly not restful and quiet.

I don’t need to “agree”, it is legally recognised as a disability.

It still doesn’t mean people get to slap “ND” on every other action and claim it’s a disability, because the term ND in itself isn’t.

But pretty standard MN. I'm surprised it took so long.

Where on earth have you got that? OP doesn't go on holiday or on public transport or in cinemas or to restaurants or any places with crowds, but he is the selfish one?

So baffling.

OP, is your husband a very selfish self absorbed man?
Have you spent you life bending yourself out of shape to accommodate your family?

Do you really want to remain married to such a man?
Get a new therapist.
Your family sounds selfish.
Start looking after yourself and thinking about what you want your future to look like.
And do you want your husband in it at all.

I don’t agree with the comparing ND to physical disabilities.
The wheelchair bound person CANNOT walk, where as the person with ND CAN sit in a crowded cafe, it’s just that they’ll absolutely hate it.

I haven’t been got an M&S cafe for years. This was the suggestion of the OP so is clearly where she feels less triggered as she describes it as quiet and open

I don't want to be aggressive, but I'll give you a real life counter experience:

Imagine you have two severely disabled autistic children. Your life is full of nappies, trying to master (and failing) non verbal communication systems, and almost constant screaming because your children can't tell you what they need. You get 3 hours sleep a night, your children get up for the day and run around from 3am every morning so you need to take them out as early as possible or your house gets destroyed. You have your own sensory challenges associated with a mental illness you have but it is very poorly understood.

You visit a neurodivergent family member with your kids (because they are too anxious to visit you / change in routine, so if you didn't visit there would be no family relationship). Every outing together for the trip has to start after 11am because your ND family member has unusual sleeping patterns. Fine, but this means you've spent 8 hours already being attacked by your children and trying to minimise property damage in someone else's property. The ND family member picks where everyone is going, even if it's got nothing to do for the kids. The ND family member picks where to eat because the non verbal kids can't indicate their choice very well and no one has even asked you where you would like to eat. The ND family member needs to complete a routine on this day trip out, you realise the kids are becoming completely overwhelmed so you say you need to take the kids elsewhere (not in routine) so they can safely run off some steam. ND family member starts crying. By this point you are absolutely exhausted having been up since before dawn, bruised, have been dealing with screaming all day, no one has even asked you where you would like to go or what to eat and you have to explain to everyone why you have to put the needs of a tiny, severely disabled child before a middle-aged university educated adult.

This is not even a one off with one person, I have several experiences like this.

What a patronising and dogmatic post, @DeathstarDarling. I doubt it has much relevance to OP, but it certainly tells us plenty about you.

It was a typo - I missed DH out of my sentence - I still think it was a disaster waiting to happen.

Your diagnosis is primarily for you - to understand why you are like you are, and to enable you to find coping strategies. It is not validation- it does not make you right, or the person who has to be accommodated all the time.

It may help those around you understand why you are like you are, but for most of them nothing has changed, and it may even look like you are a bit self obsessed to keep going on about it or or expect everyone one to want to read about your condition. You are not your families special interest or hobby. You might find it fascinating but they are not likely to. Imagine if a friend with say, arthritis, sent everyone articles about their condition and expected you to swot up on it.

Everyone is different, and everyone, even those of us without a label, finds certain things difficult. You might find it helpful to have a think about the difference between difficult and unbearable activities, and find coping strategies for the former so you can be more flexible when other peoples needs and desires come up against your own.

Its very hard to feel lonely and misunderstood, but the way out of this is to meet people halfway. If you try and do this you may find the people close to you appreciate the effort you are making and become more accommodating of the things that are just not possible for you. Even if they don't you find that they find you easier and more likable, and want to do things with you more often.

The food is absolutely shit too sandwiches that can be bought in the shop for half the price and coffees out of a push button machine.

They are hard floors and surfaces and uncomfortable chairs and everything echoes accordingly. A sensory nightmare.