So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

I think your wording is making you come across a bit adolescent when I'm sure that's not the case.

No, she shouldn't have snapped or stormed off.

No, they probably don't fully understand your autism and adhd, but it is a new diagnosis, so that is to be expected. It doesn't mean you are alone or being victimised.

You sound like a bit of a pathetic martyr.

No, I think you should be miserable sometimes. Not going to see your DD because you cant manage public transport affects your DH, I assume.
I say this as a mum of a DD with a chronic illness. But I don't allow her to make everything about her. She has to rub along with the world.

@arethereanyleftatall I never said a single thing about getting your way all the time

Relationships are about how you relate to other people and if you relate to other people by focussing on your own needs only and use the autism diagnosis to try to get others to focussing on your needs too then you are going to struggle massively in your interpersonal relationships.

I think there is an obvious pitfall of late diagnosis if people don’t use it to understand themself better and how they can meet their own needs and include in that an awareness of how much space they take up in interpersonal relationships then there is a real potential for them to try to use it to get other to focus on their needs and not leave enough room for the needs of other in their relationships.

Healthy relationships require balance and give and take in the pursuit of balance. If you don’t want those types of relationships then you are pursuing unhealthy relationships.

Your DH went shopping against his interest, your DD was hungry but compromised on location.

You got what you wanted but you are still on MN complaining that people in your family are not only focussed on you and what you want. How much are you willing to put into your relationships?

DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

No one wants to read these articles, no one else is invested or interested to the extent that you are. Which is fine - they don’t have to be.

This makes me feel more isolated due to rejection sensitivity.

Sounds like you’re using this as a weapon to leverage against your family, a way to control them, and they’re fed up of it. It’s totally selfish on your part OP. The world doesn’t revolve around you and their needs are no less important than yours. You got your own way in the end, they went to the cafe you wanted, even though you haven’t seen your DD for a while and both she and your DH wanted to go somewhere different. You will end up lonely and isolated if you keep behaving like this. People won’t to be around you, and it’s a problem of your own making. A diagnosis isn’t a license to get your own way and force others into compliance with your wishes.

Hangry? I assume your DD is in her 20s if not 30s. She sounds very childish.

Trailing around looking for a cafe that suits everyone is painful.

See my partner is the autistic one. But when we were on holiday and got caught up in a festival that we didn't know about the public transport was absolutely rammed like sardines.

I said to him, I can't do this. I don't like enclosed spaces.And as far as I know, i'm not autistic.

Enclosed spaces, especially rammed public transport, makes me panic. Because there's nothing you can do.You can't move and you can't get off your trapped.And I hate that trapped feeling.

Even on my daily commute home from work.If the train is rammed, I will let it go and get the next one.

I wanted to get a taxi and I said, I d pay for it. His autism said he can't get a taxi as he wonders if it will go the right way. I had to give way to the hallowed special autistic person who must always get their way. He can't do taxis, so we have to do what I can't do.

I was the one who had an absolute meltdown on the transport crushed, in like sardines, just because it's what he wanted, because he can't cope with the taxi. He was furious and annoyed with me.For panicking, when I deal with him, panicking on a daily basis.

I don't think autistic people realize how fucking selfish they are sometimes. They can never, ever ever, just give way to their partners needs for once. Everything has to be about them.

@tumblingdowntherabbitholeunderstanding sensory overload is absolutely fine, but what it doesn’t mean is the person with ADHD gets what they want all the time. They had already gone shopping which the DH didn’t want to do. Then they ended up having a coffee where he didn’t want.
the op just needs to be prepared for stuff like this, maybe with noise cancelling headphones etc rather than the expectation that her and only her needs are always met.
and then not only has she got what she wanted, but more than that, the op is also saying if she doesn’t get what she wants at all times, she will feel lonely and unwanted.
my advice to you op, is to accept that yes you don’t like a noisy cafe, and that’s absolutely fine you don’t have to like it, you can avoid them - but also learn that other people do like that and in a group it’s about compromise.

I would find all this very hard to live with in a partner or mum. They are fed up with everything being about you. It's too much hard work.

Sounds like you are overbearing esp since your diagnosis. Sending your DH articles to read? really?
He has been married to you for a long time so you are the same person regardless of diagnosis. I have 2 DC on the spectrum so understand the challenges but I find people who harp on about their diagnosis and share articles (have come across them) etc very tedious and hard work. You all sound very me me me. Sorry.

I have a late diagnosis for bipolar, which didn’t happen until I finally fell of the metaphorical cliff and was sectioned during an episode of hypomania in my 50s. One of the things I value is is that it changed nothing for my family, friends of community. I came out of hospital a month later and everything and everyone was the same. My DH did wrap me in cotton wool for around a year, which was helpful but I was pleased when that stopped too. The diagnosis has been useful for me, as medication has helped and after a life of worrying I was an over-complainer, my medical team now know I’m a bit of an under-complainer. I do think about it a lot and use those thoughts to inform my choices in order to keep myself on an even but it would bore those around me, especially my kids if they were expected to accommodate it.

She’s a bit pathetic to be stomping off like a teenager.

to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.

Oh don't be one of those bores. This is what I never understand about late diagnosed neurodiversity. As they are neuro developmental conditions, they will have been present from birth.

You've always had it. They've never known you without it. You got this far. Suddenly, when there's a diagnosis, it's somebody's new favorite toy, and it's all they can talk about to explain themselves. Whereas everybody around them is just saying, but this is who you've always been.

I do wonder if you're now saying you can't cope with noise levels or cramped because you're autistic. I wonder how many times a day tou re using autism to excuse things, you can't do or don't want to do.

My partner does this. Just say you don't like a hot cramped cafe would like to go somewhere else. Don't say you can't go there because you're autistic and you find it triggers your autism and go off into a speech about it. Honestly it's boring. Nobody needs to hear about it a hundred times a day, or read articles about it.

As it is, they did what you wanted and went somewhere.You wanted to go, so you got your own way anyway, so I don't know why you're complaining. M and S cafe is shit so I would have been pissed off for having to go there. But they both yielded to what you wanted.

Your post comes across is extremely dramatic.They don't understand you because they dared suggest a cafe that might trigger your autism. Please don't start that. It's not what's going on here. People are allowed preferences even with autistic person who consistently puts themselves above the entire family.

I have noticed in autistic relationships, and I m in one myself.That you end up giving way to them constantly, because they use autism as a get out of jail card and an excuse for everything, they don't want to do..Despite it not having been used before the diagnosis. All you're going to do is alienate your family, and then you're going to feel even more lonely. If you didn't like the cafe, just say so, don't get on your soapbox about being autistic.

You've also said autistic traits not actual.autism. Many people could be diagnosed with them. Lonely and misunderstood, because they picked a cafe yiu didn't like. Do you catastrophise much

You needed space, your DD was clearly very hungry for it to turn into hangry and needed food.

You got what you wanted, she got what she wanted but arguably yours took precedence in the moment. I don’t see the problem.

You could argue that you equally were not bothered about your daughter’s physical needs in that moment.

Life is a compromise, everyone has needs, we are all just trying to meet them and guaranteed the needs will not always align. When it comes to needs (not wants) one persons needs should not always take precedence over everyone elses. Compromise is required.

Could you have coped in the cosy cafe? Have you managed before? If you could have and it was the nearest it would have been the quickest way of getting fed.

For what it's worth I hate crowded places so the M&S would have been my choice. I can see their pov too though.

Does your DD have ND traits as well? I do, and when I have made a suggestion of where to go then I'm set on going there. If someone then changes that plan I get really stressed - even though I know it's not a big deal in the scheme of things my mind and body react in a negative way

They’ve had enough of having their lives dictated to by you. A new diagnosis makes no difference to them. They’ve danced around you forever already. Your daughter was visiting after months separation. You’d think you’d allow her to choose.

You’re an adult who has coped this long. Don’t use a diagnosis as a get your own way card- and yes. I have my own diagnosis. It means you have to work harder to adapt not expect the world and everyone around you to adapt to you.

You won’t get much understanding of late-diagnosis on here OP, so be prepared for a bit of a beating.

I’m late-diagnosed myself and one of the hardest parts has been the fact that nothing changed for anyone except me. To my family and friends, I’m just the same person with a diagnosis and they’re honestly not all that interested in the fact that I’ve always struggled with sensory overload or loud noises or certain textures.

To your DH and DD you are still the same person you’ve always been. They’ll never understand what your diagnosis means for you.

They moved, did they not?

A bit OTT.

Yabu sorry.

I say that as someone on the waiting list for autism/ADHD assessments myself.

I totally get the struggle with finding somewhere to eat. Going into a cafe/restaurant can be hugely stressful for me for all sorts of reasons that I won’t bore you with.

But what I have realised is that it’s selfish of me to always want to have my choice (which can mean trailing around to find somewhere suitable) when my family are probably happy to go anywhere.

You might have to try to find compromise somewhere in this.

I'd expect people who are close to you to show you some understanding, consideration and kindness for your needs. I wouldn't expect them to want to learn extensively about what you are diagnosed with, different people are interested in different things and this might not be of much interest to them.

You’re not unreasonable to have a discussion with your family (or anyone) about why you’d prefer one venue over another. Just because you now have a diagnosis doesn’t mean your preferences become the default, that you can’t have a conversation or that your family (or indeed the world) has to shift around you. Being ‘lonely’ per your title vs not having your say-so about a choice of cafe, is a bit OTT and unyielding IMHO.