So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

No, she said it wasn't her DH's favourite activity. In a further post, she said that sometimes her DH and DD would go eat while she shopped - so seems like shopping is one of the OP's favourite activities (not a favourite activity of the others).

I hear you OP. It's not unreasonable to expect a hearing from your loved ones and for them to make reasonable adjustments - like choosing a cafe that isn't crowded! How hard is that.
Your diagnosis is most useful for you. It should help you identify and/or address the things that you find difficult. You need then to clearly and positively communicate these to your family, compromising when you can.
Like "oh, this cafe looks rather crowded. How about we go to M&S instead?" Quick solution for the hangry DD (who needs to grow up a bit and pre-empt her food needs!)

I expect OP isn’t inherently selfish and always wants to get her way, as a lot of posters are suggested (typical, nasty MN behaviour.)

She likely wouldn’t have posted at all if her adult DD hadn’t stomped off like a toddler, and instead just spoken to her mother with a degree of maturity.

So you made them both go to a cafe they didn’t want to? They both had to put your wishes above BOTH of theirs?

Nope I am on their side I’m afraid. Find coping strategies for these situations or apologise profusely and accept that they might be a bit fed up with having to go to soulless and bland M&S AGAIN

I have autism & do not like crowded places, it can result in me having to cover my ears to cope however I dont think you should of gone on about your diagnosis to them. That doesnt change anything, you are the person you have always been to them. Your daughter shouldnt of stomped off either, sometimes I just grin & bear things for the sake of my family like the cafe I probably would of done it and just coped in my own weird way.
So yabu but so is your daughter.

Shopping and a cafe at the weekend - you already said its not your favourite activity - you have issues and to be honest it sounds like your daughter does too - this was a disaster waiting to happen!

I always find these threads interesting.

If the OP were in a wheelchair and the facility had access issues for wheelchairs what would everyone say then?

It sounds to me like there is a lot of undiagnosed autism in your family- like mine. 3 diagnosed autistic kids and with hindsight myself and dh are also autistic. This means life can be messy, chaotic and tempers can flare. The important part is to talk about it and acknowledge what’s going on. Discuss what different family members find hard and try not to have too many things going on at once. We are now at the stage where we can (gently) joke about how dad can’t cope with anyone in the kitchen at the same time as him. I know I need a lot of down time so that I can manage sorting out the kids. We get that dd gets upset if someone talks over her by accident. If myself or dh lose it and say or do something imperfect we apologise to whoever was affected and we expect dc to do the same. We all have different things that are important to us and do our best to factor this in.

I completely agree.

This is why we have so many people trying to get a diagnosis or self diagnosing because apparently you can only have these struggles if you are ND.
It seems you are not taken seriously unless you have a diagnosis of being ND.

And there are lots of ND people who are undiagnosed and it’s genetic so DD is likely to also be ND. But as she’s not diagnosed then apparently she should act different and do what suits OP.

All of this. Not sure why you are even mentioning your ADHD diagnosis to be honest OP. You just didn't want to go to a busy cafe and they did. You got your own way. End of story.

YANBU .i struggle massively socially. I avoid most restaurants and coffeeshops as they are too busy and I can’t relax. I am usually better on holiday away from the city. I always say to my relatives you are welcome to go there I don’t want to hold them back and spoil their fun but at the same time I just struggle so much if I try and just go. Just wanted to say I understand really.

Anxiety, ocd, claustrophobia, depression etc any mental health issue can occur in NT people.

But NT people just have to suck it up and ignore because of the ND person. Thsts why there is so much defensiveness. Perfection is expected from NT people.

Most autistic / adhd, if not all of them can't do anything they don't want to do. If you'll see from the wife and mother, she can't even go to a cafe her daughter wants. So her asd isnt to blame either she is just selfish.

I disagree.

Lots of NT have issues like anxiety and the ND person doesn’t get to trump them just because they’re ND.

There are also lots of NT people who are undiagnosed.
As ND is genetic then it’s likely DD is also ND.

The diagnosis is completely irrelevant in this case.

Usually it’s about compromise but as DD lives hundreds of miles away then it’s her choice on the activity.
If OP didn’t like it then she could have gone somewhere else.

Actually now with your update, I am not sure what's going on. Quite a lot, I think.

Goodness... if you exchanged ADHD and autism for any other disability people would be up in arms about your family not being supportive or learning more about your condition.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I was told I am extremely high masking and that I am at risk of burnout because of this. I'm also likely autistic but didn't take the full assessment. The masking is a huge problem, and always has been. My hope for diagnosis is to find some ADHD coaching to try and help with this.

I discovered my traits when my chikd was diagnosed and I read more about it. It is very common for ADHD and autism to run in families but so for like to attract like. So perhaps there is ND in your OH and daughter?

Sounds like you’re all dysregulated and handling things in ways that don’t benefit one another. Food/stopping always needs to happen at some point during a day out, it would have been better to point out (probably for the millionth time) that you don’t like stuffy crowded places to eat, and agree on a place before everyone has had enough and needs food and desperate for a sit down. Your DH and DD having massive strops and storming off is not normal or OK in most adults and should be addressed as an issue in its own right. You all need to think about your psychological and emotional behaviours and lay it all out on the table and address them. It’s not all on you OP, but everyone has their own work to do here - it’s not like you’re hard work and they’re doing everything right.

I am also late diagnosed. It has made my behaviour make sense TO ME because now I know I do certain things because of the way my brain is wired. But to everyone else I am still me. And throwing around phrases like 'I'm disregulated!'makes me sound like a dick, as though I'm inventing excuses for behaving badly. I've had years of learning to mask, so when I'm out in public and HAVING to behave a certain way, or at work, then I mask. Because it makes life more pleasant for other people, and having masked for all these years I know it's not going to kill me.

Because, basically, nobody else cares about your diagnosis. It's tough, because you want to talk to everyone about it, you want life to make sense now. But it doesn't affect them, so they aren't bothered. You were you before, and you are still you now, and life is all about compromise as it always was.

I'm glad to hear you're on the up. What a brilliant thing to be able to travel again! I've started HRT and it's helped a lot, and my sleep has improved. As you know, patience with yourself is important. Patience with others is part of it too - it'd be nice if they could understand but on the other hand, it's challenging to absorb stress and anxiety no matter how much you might love the person.

You're not alone.

Tbh it isn’t your partner’s ASD that’s the problem, it’s his selfishness. That behaviour from him was utterly unacceptable. I’m autistic and no way would I have done that. Sometimes we all have to do things we really don’t want to, in order to help or support our loved ones. It sounds like he expects all the compromise to be from your side, which isn’t ok. I’d imagine it makes you pretty wary of autistic people as you will be (consciously or not) expecting them to be selfish, when I promise that just like neurotypicals, some are but some aren’t!

I try to saynthis gently but perhaps your daughter has had enough your anxiety condition controlling situations - what they can and cant do

She hasn't been shutting up and masking though. She has been avoiding visiting her daughter, eating out, going to the theatre or cimema, or going anywhere for years, as I understand.

So the whole family has suffered from the lack of an accurate diagnosis. Her daughter and DH have temper issues. They have all been chronically dysregulated.

Yes OP has loads of work to do on herself. Read the post above from the person who said her diagnosis remapped her brain, it's brilliantly put.

I just don't like the dismissive judgey tone of many posters assuming the OP is just selfish when really she's an unskilful person trying to manage her and her family's emotions with ND.