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To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

417 replies

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:28

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

OP posts:
havingamarvelloustimeruiningeverything · 09/09/2025 12:54

No one should be shamed for any legal decisions they consented to that have absolutely zero bearing on the life’s of anyone else.

end of.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:50

Tryingtokeepgoing · 09/09/2025 07:06

I think the OP is confusing pre internet generations, which would, broadly be baby boomers and earlier as Gen X basically invented the internet, with digital natives. But Gen Z is often referred to as the first digital native generation because even the oldest, who are knocking on 30 now, had cell phones and internet access as kids so ‘grew up’ with it pervading their lives. Of course so did millennials by and large so many of them will also be digital natives as well. The use of the internet to ‘hook up’ started with Gen X though, and was widespread for millennials. So I have to say I don’t think Gen Z have invented the internet, hooking up or casual sex 😂

Edited

Ilwym, this was meant re being digital natives. I still argue that online dating was a big thing for Millenials and Gen Z in a way it wasn't for Gen X.

I know hooking up is not new- would argue though that the landscape is different now bc of the things mentioned above. There are still issues w hookup culture, but imo they are magnified a lot by the things now which I've mentioned: OLD, porn culture, Only fans etc

OP posts:
CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 12:49

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:37

It does make sense : the idea is that a lot of women are having casual sex they don't really want in order to get a relationship / are being lied to by Don Juan types who promise a relationship to get them into bed.

Obvs I know some women do enjoy ONS,and are not being lied to, which is good, but I don't think that many.

Why don't you think it's that many? What are you basing that off?

I know lots of women, who have dated very casually and not been looking for a relationship.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:44

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 07:04

I don't know, I get the impression that something's changed but I'm not on the scene; most of what I know about 2020s dating is from Mumsnet!

It seems as though women are more earnestly searching for commitment and hoping that either having or withholding sex will achieve it, while men are eagerly searching for a heavily-notched bedpost. This is an insanely reductive view that has never been true. I doubt it is today.

I do believe the 'manosphere' influences men & boys to believe they will struggle to get enough sex, has revived the sexual double standard, and promotes the idea that sexual violence is desirable. All of that is blatantly misogynistic.

I don't believe women should be guided by misogynistic arseholes, and am surprised that a "fierce feminist" would parrot their views in the guise of concern for women.

V interesting post, will reply in more detail later..for now, I'll say that online dating def fuels manosphere & vice versa.

I don't know any of these types irl luckily, (at least afaik) but from what I hear, a lot of boys & young men (incl Gen Alpha, which needs to be nipped in the bud) are getting crazy ideas like 'women only want the top 1% of men' from stats on dating apps, which are obviously inaccurate since far more men than women use them in the first place. Or 'women are only attracted to 20% of men' - suspect this one comes bc women are less likely to get a connection based on a visual image the way men are (another reason OLD works better for men)

Obvs male promiscuity is linked to this, but maybe more of an OLD problem. Still thinking...

OP posts:
Eloeeze · 09/09/2025 12:40

There’s no advantages in shame.

There’s lots of advantages to wanting to enjoy sex and be sexually free.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:37

x2boys · 09/09/2025 06:58

Well that doesn't really make sense aa they are having sex with each other
I had a fair few one night stand s when i was single
I wasent really very good at them because I usually ended up falling for them but I don't blame the men for my feelings .

It does make sense : the idea is that a lot of women are having casual sex they don't really want in order to get a relationship / are being lied to by Don Juan types who promise a relationship to get them into bed.

Obvs I know some women do enjoy ONS,and are not being lied to, which is good, but I don't think that many.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:35

slashlover · 09/09/2025 06:51

Craigslist dating started in 1996.
Tinder started in 2012
Eharmony started in 2000
Even Ashley Madison started in 2002

I first used the internet when I went to university 29 years ago. I first got home internet in 1998. The idea that any generation before Gen Z didn't have the internet is absurd.

Alright. But online dating wasn't a huge thing until relatively recently. Probs wrong to say that Gen Z are the first generation to be affected by it en masse-that would be Millenials. Though obvs a lot of older people also are now using.

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 09/09/2025 12:33

No one should be shamed for being promiscuous as long as they are honest.

Eloeeze · 09/09/2025 12:29

All this sex applause is a new one on me. I’m starting to get into the idea though.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/09/2025 12:26

BlueJuniper94 · 08/09/2025 22:39

I don't think anyone should be applauded for having sex outside of marraige

I don't think anyone should be applauded for waiting until they're married before having sex.

Northernlights19 · 09/09/2025 12:15

I do think that casual sex probs had much fewer negative effects for previous generations bc they lacked the Internet.
So you're either extremely uneducated, pig ignorant or rage baiting.

Eloeeze · 09/09/2025 12:09

BlueJuniper94 · 08/09/2025 22:39

I don't think anyone should be applauded for having sex outside of marraige

I dont think applause is offered, unless you do it on stage in a sex club.

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 11:33

The Relationship topic is full of women who post about one night stands and having sex with various online dates.

As long as they’re all safe and happy there should be no shame.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2025 11:30

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/09/2025 09:26

It wasn’t like that,

When l was a student everyone was having one night stands. It was just normal. And expected.

And l couldn’t do it. So l felt a failure and a freak.

Its easy for those who feel comfortable and happy to argue that it’s fine to do it.

But it makes those of us who can’t feel like crap. As one night stands seem to be the norm.

Im 60 now, but still think the same. It’s not for everyone, but those who don’t want to feel shame for not being able to.

Im married, but if l couldn’t go back to my younger self l’d tell her not to care.

I had a friend like this (still do). She didn't see the appeal of one-night stands at all and I don't think she had sex at all until she was in her early 20s. I believe she has only ever had sex with two people; a previous long-term boyfriend and her now husband, who she's been with for nearly 30 years.

Looking back, she realises she ultimately dodged a huge bullet. The rest of us were driving ourselves crazy worrying about oversexed idiots and trying to shag our way into their good books, leading to a vast amount of wasted angst. I probably slept with 30 men before I got married, of whom only three actually genuinely cared about me.

My mate got on with her life, had a great time, got a First in her degree, has gone on to have a great marriage with four kids and is in a high-flying job with a great salary. She's a huge success by any measure. But at the time it was a source of massive distress to her that she wasn't "normal".

The problem is, as you rightly say, that so many women are made to feel that they are dysfunctional because they don't play along with this bullshit when a large proportion of us are constitutionally not made that way.

I still don't think promiscuity is a problem if people go into it with their eyes open and its what they genuinely want. Some people, including women, genuinely are fine with it, others aren't. The problem comes when people are misled into thinking it will be fun if its not, or that it will improve their self-esteem and health (when it definitely will not). And when men mis-sell what they want from it in order to get women into bed.

SoManyTshirts · 09/09/2025 11:29

Casual sex has been around for at least 50 years in my personal experience. I’m not ashamed of it and have only ever been verbally abused by men who don’t get as much sex as they want and have just been told “no”. No societal shaming would result in more openness and acceptance, making if easier to identify those who are sexually inactive. There’s an argument that in fact it’s often the long-term celibate who keep quiet.

I have nothing constructive to add but as you think there aren’t many women about with a history of promiscuity, I wanted to raise my hand once again.

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 11:28

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 01:32

Oh I know, I love the feminism boards. Have mostly read GC stuff on there, I will seek out older stuff on this. People are probs wondering why I'm on Mumsnet at my age 🤣 I came bc I was looking at GC stuff (which obvs is harder to discuss in my age group) & that happily led me to FWR.

I know that condoms can break etc But from what I've read, this is much more likely if various mistakes are made (out of date, bad storage, and most common, apparently, incorrect usage) - eg. Below.

https://www.google.com/search?q=how+likely+are+condoms+to+fail&oq=how+lilely+are+condk&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqCQgCEAAYDRiABDIGCAAQRRg5MgkIARAAGA0YgAQyCQgCEAAYDRiABDIJCAMQABgNGIAEMggIBBAAGA0YHjIICAUQABgWGB4yCAgGEAAYFhgeMggIBxAAGBYYHjIICAgQABgWGB4yCggJEAAYCBgNGB4yCggKEAAYCBgNGB4yDAgLEAAYCBgKGA0YHjIKCAwQABgIGA0YHjIKCA0QABgIGA0YHjIHCA4QIRiPAtIBCDY0OTVqMGo0qAIBsAIB&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

I can definitely see the impact of the Pill on women's freedom. Ofc there were other options than becoming a nun, but that's why you had spinsters partly : they might be women who wanted to be independent, an forgoing sex/relationships was the only way to be assured of that.

Another thought, tho not directly thread-relevant...what about contraceptive implants? Were they around then? Or only allowed for married women? I think I read something like that...

People are probs wondering why I'm on Mumsnet at my age

No not really. MN has had loads of teenage posters over the years (and a few weirdos pretending to be teenagers).

The only 2 things I’m wondering is

  1. Why do you think men and women should be shamed for happily sleeping with as many partners as they choose, as long as it’s consensual?
  2. Why have you called yourself ‘the Joy Of Writing’ when you clearly don’t enjoy writing very simple words like ‘with’ among other random missing words?
Soonenough · 09/09/2025 11:23

Just address them as Fuck Boys and be done with it.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 11:19

As someone who hit their late teens / early 20s before online dating existed, I’m laughing out loud at the OP’s implication that ‘hook-up culture’ is a new thing. Casual sex was not invented with the advent of Tinder. If anything, Gen Z is more cautious than my generation was.

ThisCanFuckOffToo · 09/09/2025 11:18

I’m all for people shagging whoever they want as long as it’s consensual, tbh.

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 11:16

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/09/2025 10:52

I don’t think l ever said anything about stopping people doing anything.

Each to their own.

I just mean there isnt much you can do about unspoken expectations in certain circles.

SorcererGaheris · 09/09/2025 11:15

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:14

We can debate the morality of shaming, but shame and taboos have been used to control behaviour seen as bad since time immemorial.

@TheJoyOfWriting

The thing is, promiscuity isn't uniformly considered bad in and of itself (unless one has somewhat puritanical views on sex.) Someone can be promiscuous in an unethical way, but promiscuity per se isn't a bad thing (or isn't seen as such by many people.)

If someone's cheating, then that's unethical, but people who are single and having lots of casual sex are doing nothing wrong, IMO, and don't deserve to be shamed for that, whether they are men or women. Same for those who are in long-term non-monogamous relationships.

The fact that many women are unjustly shamed for ethical promiscuity is not a justification for shaming men for ethical promiscuity. NO ONE should be shamed for it.

Starlight1984 · 09/09/2025 11:08

I do think that casual sex probs had much fewer negative effects for previous generations bc they lacked the Internet.

😂

Bless you.

Sunnyscribe · 09/09/2025 11:07

I think gender differences do exist when it comes to viewing sexual behaviour and I don't think this is right.

My view on having a high body count is live and let live unless I'm choosing a partner. I'm okay with casual sex in moderation but when choosing a partner, I've always found it off putting if a man had a high "body count".

But I suppose everyone has a different idea of what a high body count is and the most important thing is that you share similar values around sex with the person you end up in a relationship with.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/09/2025 10:52

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 10:42

Maybe young people who dont drink alcohol or party feel the same. But they cant stop other people enjoying alcohol or partying just because they feel unusual or left out. Being young is hard as you do worry too much what others think, but it happens to most people in some way really.

I don’t think l ever said anything about stopping people doing anything.

Each to their own.

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 10:42

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/09/2025 09:47

They didn’t give me grief. They were really good friends.

It was the unspoken expectation in the circles at the time l struggled with. I don’t think l was that unusual. I knew others like me. We used to call ourselves ‘the unspoken minority’

I just opted out. It was the only way. Horrible time of my life.

Maybe young people who dont drink alcohol or party feel the same. But they cant stop other people enjoying alcohol or partying just because they feel unusual or left out. Being young is hard as you do worry too much what others think, but it happens to most people in some way really.