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To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

417 replies

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:28

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

OP posts:
CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 13:28

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:23

Lots of harmful kinks out there. Violence, also ones that use domination/humiliation, misogyny, racism & homophobia as kinks.

Gosh, you would hate the things my husband and I get up to then 😂. I love some dom/sub play, and it's has no reflection on our relationship outside of the bedroom. How is that harmful?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:27

CoffeeCantata · 09/09/2025 13:22

Of course we are. Sexual mores within a society affect us all. Ridiculous and dishonest to pretend otherwise. They permeate everything: personal relationships, art, media, law and politics, education, health and welfare. It’s called ‘society’, but some posters here seem to agree with Margaret Thatcher that there’s no such thing as society!

Exactly. Very socialist 👍

Tbf I don't like direct economic comparisons that view women as 'cheaply' 'giving away' sex and then blame women bc men won't commit unless they have to work hard to have sex and it is 'expensive'. Nasty ideas there, and men can certainly control their behaviour.

I do think there us an issue w women feeling pressured to have sex they don't want, ad well as general male bad behaviour which is amplified by promiscuous men. The issue isn't w those women who have ONSs and are happy.

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Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 13:25

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:23

Lots of harmful kinks out there. Violence, also ones that use domination/humiliation, misogyny, racism & homophobia as kinks.

Harmful in what sense?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:23

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 13:20

before I let my current partner I loved a good shag for the sake of it.

I never lied to anyone and no one ever lied to me.

whats wrong with kink and what are you defining as kink please?

Lots of harmful kinks out there. Violence, also ones that use domination/humiliation, misogyny, racism & homophobia as kinks.

OP posts:
CoffeeCantata · 09/09/2025 13:22

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:57

Ha, I'm happy to be a 'little puritan'. 🤣

In fact, I will puritanically quote JB Priestley : 'We are members of one body. We are responsible for one another.'
What people do does affect the wider culture. This wouldn't be an issue if male promiscuity were not having negative consequences.

Of course we are. Sexual mores within a society affect us all. Ridiculous and dishonest to pretend otherwise. They permeate everything: personal relationships, art, media, law and politics, education, health and welfare. It’s called ‘society’, but some posters here seem to agree with Margaret Thatcher that there’s no such thing as society!

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 13:22

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:03

I'm still sorting out my thoughts on this. For one thing, male promiscuity is more common, and arguably has more negative consequences. Men don't risk being assaulted by a female date, or not that much, they can't get pregnant by accident, they are less likely to get STDs, & they are much less likely to be lied to by a woman who only wants a ONS when they want commitment.

For another, there is still much more negativity about female than male promiscuity. So I'm focusing on men here.

So perhaps it's not negativity towards promiscuous women as such, more just voicing concern about it due to those issues you list.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:22

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 08:53

Nobody's said that women should be as promiscuous as some men, @CoffeeCantata! Only that both women and men should be free to do what suits them, safety and consent permitting.

Female promiscuity plays into the hands of unscrupulous men IF you believe it's women's job to stop unscrupulous men having a varied sex life. I don't, why would I? I've had some very nice encounters with unscrupulous men. No woman who doesn't want to shag an unscrupulous man is under any obligation to do so.

You seem to be operating under the fallacy that 'modern feminists' (I'm an original 2nd-waver, by the way) want to force young women to screw around. What a bloody stupid assumption.

You also seem to think women must, for some reason, withhold sex in order to coerce men into relationships. That isn't how it works.

Feminism's about liberating women from patriarchal oppression. Trying to manipulate the oppressor class by making yourself less free to express yourself doesn't really look like a brilliant strategy. I mean, we've been doing that for 3,000 years and it hasn't worked yet, has it?

Both women and men want sex, both want relationships. Many long-term relationships begin with sex on the first date.

Ikwym. This would be ideal. I guess tho that the idea is that if casual sex is common, some women feel they should do it or man will leave. Then promiscuous men can have sex early on & dump, potentially many times.

I suppose the answer would be for women who don't want to have sex early on to wait a bit (to mitigate the 'dump early' strategy), at least a few weeks. I think this is probs quite a few women, and they shouldn't be shamed if they want to wait.

I think there is some truth to the arguments that greater acceptance of casual sex enables bad male behaviour. But as you say, it's wrong that they put all the onus on women. They basically say that men kind of get addicted almost to the 'hit' of havjng sex, so if they can easily have a lot of it, they just think about that, not relationships, & treat women badly.

I don't have such a poor opinion of men, but I think sadly has some truth

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 13:20

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:10

Like pp, I think you're missing the point that a lot of promiscuous men get as much sex as they do bc they lie about their intentions/women sometimes feel pressure they have to have sex early on bc that's common, then they get dumped.

I know there are women w high sex drives & sociosexuality who like ONSs, but I don't think that many.

before I let my current partner I loved a good shag for the sake of it.

I never lied to anyone and no one ever lied to me.

whats wrong with kink and what are you defining as kink please?

CoffeeCantata · 09/09/2025 13:17

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 08:53

Nobody's said that women should be as promiscuous as some men, @CoffeeCantata! Only that both women and men should be free to do what suits them, safety and consent permitting.

Female promiscuity plays into the hands of unscrupulous men IF you believe it's women's job to stop unscrupulous men having a varied sex life. I don't, why would I? I've had some very nice encounters with unscrupulous men. No woman who doesn't want to shag an unscrupulous man is under any obligation to do so.

You seem to be operating under the fallacy that 'modern feminists' (I'm an original 2nd-waver, by the way) want to force young women to screw around. What a bloody stupid assumption.

You also seem to think women must, for some reason, withhold sex in order to coerce men into relationships. That isn't how it works.

Feminism's about liberating women from patriarchal oppression. Trying to manipulate the oppressor class by making yourself less free to express yourself doesn't really look like a brilliant strategy. I mean, we've been doing that for 3,000 years and it hasn't worked yet, has it?

Both women and men want sex, both want relationships. Many long-term relationships begin with sex on the first date.

I don know how you have read those things into my post - don’t know where to start really!

You claim I think women should withhold sex in order to manipulate men into relationships? Where are you getting that from? My point is, and I get this from what I regularly read here as well as people in real life, that women often come away disappointed (at best) and deeply hurt (at worst) after a casual sexual encounter…because they hadn’t seen it like that while the man clearly had.

i don’t mind who’s doing who, how often, which way up or how many people are in the bed at one time. All I care about is: are both parties clear that it’s casual or maybe one-off sex? If everyone’s being honest - fine. But I think the balance is skewed hugely towards the needs of promiscuous men. Women beware.

I suspect that men are not honest because they know coming out and saying they only want a shag will rarely get them what they want.

I make a point of saying what I mean and meaning what I say - no need to read between the lines or make stuff up!

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 09/09/2025 13:17

Coming of age in the 90's 00's I feel like women joined the party a bit and competed to sleep around. .. my friends did. I'm not sure it was a good look tbh.

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 13:14

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:10

Like pp, I think you're missing the point that a lot of promiscuous men get as much sex as they do bc they lie about their intentions/women sometimes feel pressure they have to have sex early on bc that's common, then they get dumped.

I know there are women w high sex drives & sociosexuality who like ONSs, but I don't think that many.

Again, why don't you think that many? That's not my experience at all.

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 13:14

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:08

I don't date men. I don't like the term 'body count' at all, either. I guess the issues I have are not w promiscuous men per se, but with what a large amount of them do. I don't use that kind of term myself, I was just giving an example of the kind of misogynistic double standard that lets these men off (or even praises) while condemning women who do the same.

Why is your automatic thought to shame men, instead of defending women's right to be "promiscuous" then?

Maybe it's just me, but it's comes of as anti-feminist in that you seem to believe that all/most women are naively being tricked into sex, and that they couldn't possibly also enjoy a nice no-strings-attached shag.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:10

Pigeonpoodle · 09/09/2025 13:07

Is it more common? It takes two to tango!

And the issues you raise are violent sex, unprotected sex and deceitful sex… not the quantity of sex.

Like pp, I think you're missing the point that a lot of promiscuous men get as much sex as they do bc they lie about their intentions/women sometimes feel pressure they have to have sex early on bc that's common, then they get dumped.

I know there are women w high sex drives & sociosexuality who like ONSs, but I don't think that many.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 13:09

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:08

I don't date men. I don't like the term 'body count' at all, either. I guess the issues I have are not w promiscuous men per se, but with what a large amount of them do. I don't use that kind of term myself, I was just giving an example of the kind of misogynistic double standard that lets these men off (or even praises) while condemning women who do the same.

Challenge the double standard. Don’t shame people for shagging.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:08

5128gap · 09/09/2025 08:40

I don't think men or women should be shamed for having casual sex, as really, what consenting adults choose to do doesn't matter.
I think there should be a higher stigma attached to men who have casual sex and create pregnancies when they have no intention of taking the responsibility of a father. I also think that obtaining consent by deception should be stigmatised and in serious cases criminalised, as it is.
As far as the other things go, no one is forcing you to use that crass term 'body count' and go along with those ideas. If a man who has had multiple partners is off putting to you, then discount these men from your dating pool.

I don't date men. I don't like the term 'body count' at all, either. I guess the issues I have are not w promiscuous men per se, but with what a large amount of them do. I don't use that kind of term myself, I was just giving an example of the kind of misogynistic double standard that lets these men off (or even praises) while condemning women who do the same.

OP posts:
Pigeonpoodle · 09/09/2025 13:07

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:03

I'm still sorting out my thoughts on this. For one thing, male promiscuity is more common, and arguably has more negative consequences. Men don't risk being assaulted by a female date, or not that much, they can't get pregnant by accident, they are less likely to get STDs, & they are much less likely to be lied to by a woman who only wants a ONS when they want commitment.

For another, there is still much more negativity about female than male promiscuity. So I'm focusing on men here.

Is it more common? It takes two to tango!

And the issues you raise are violent sex, unprotected sex and deceitful sex… not the quantity of sex.

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 13:04

What’s wrong with kink?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 13:03

Pigeonpoodle · 09/09/2025 12:59

If you believe male promiscuity has bad consequences, then it follows that you believe that female promiscuity has bad consequences… So if you want to shame promiscuity, why just focus on the men?

I'm still sorting out my thoughts on this. For one thing, male promiscuity is more common, and arguably has more negative consequences. Men don't risk being assaulted by a female date, or not that much, they can't get pregnant by accident, they are less likely to get STDs, & they are much less likely to be lied to by a woman who only wants a ONS when they want commitment.

For another, there is still much more negativity about female than male promiscuity. So I'm focusing on men here.

OP posts:
telephoneted · 09/09/2025 13:02

I would definitely have been classed as promiscuous before I got married. Now DH and I are promiscuous together

Pigeonpoodle · 09/09/2025 12:59

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:57

Ha, I'm happy to be a 'little puritan'. 🤣

In fact, I will puritanically quote JB Priestley : 'We are members of one body. We are responsible for one another.'
What people do does affect the wider culture. This wouldn't be an issue if male promiscuity were not having negative consequences.

If you believe male promiscuity has bad consequences, then it follows that you believe that female promiscuity has bad consequences… So if you want to shame promiscuity, why just focus on the men?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:59

Beautifulhaiku · 09/09/2025 08:22

You’re conflating different things. You can sleep with a lot of people without treating them badly (physically or emotionally) or being misogynistic. As you say, people have always shamed women for sleeping around, it’s not a Gen Z thing. You don’t fix shame by adding more shame.

Ikwym. Tbf tho in my post I was talking more about other issues. I know slut shaming is not new, I do think online misogynistic stuff is giving it more airtime though & using OLD to make spurious points.

OP posts:
Northernlights19 · 09/09/2025 12:58

Can you explain why you think casual sex has more consequences now than in the hundreds of years previous?

Pigeonpoodle · 09/09/2025 12:57

If we “slut-shame” men more, the result will also be that more women will be “slut-shamed” more! Do you want that?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:57

WhiskyintheJarr · 09/09/2025 08:17

Gosh you’re quite the little puritan.

I am in my 40s and I cannot tell you the peace that comes with realising that actually you don’t have to give a fuck about what other people do, if it doesn’t affect you.

Ha, I'm happy to be a 'little puritan'. 🤣

In fact, I will puritanically quote JB Priestley : 'We are members of one body. We are responsible for one another.'
What people do does affect the wider culture. This wouldn't be an issue if male promiscuity were not having negative consequences.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 12:54

Nutmuncher · 09/09/2025 08:04

Bizarre OP, all people should be able to choose how many and who they want to sleep with. Sadly too many cultures and faiths stifle the sexual experiences and maturity of huge numbers of men and women, that is what needs to be called out.

It’s really no one else’s business as long as it is consensual which is probably a tough concept to grasp for curtain twitching prudes…

No. No-one's business as long as it's consensual is the root of the destructive kink culture we have now, Only fans, large amounts of unpleasant porn that the actors supposedly consent to.

I don't wholly disagree w your post, but consent only is not a good standard.

OP posts: