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Original poster

Strange interaction at work and no one else sees the issue?

234 replies

Teachnomore · 08/09/2025 21:48

This happened today and I need to share. I manage a team of 12 and don’t work Friday’s. I came in today to an email from my senior/deputy about something which happened between two colleagues on Friday - without getting into details, there was an argument in front of the team and it was unprofessional.

I booked time in with each individual separately today to discuss what happened.

When I walked into the meeting room with one of the colleagues (male), he rushed up to the table, pretended to bend over and said let’s get this over with. Then stopped, pretended to take his belt off and laughed hysterically. I just told him to sit down and he said he thought what he suggested would be a quicker punishment, again laughing.

Now, am I being a bit of a killjoy here or is that really inappropriate? I told my manager what happened, who basically shrugged his shoulders and said that is just what that colleague is like. My DP found it hilarious when I told him and thinks I’ve had a sense of humour failure..

I just found it awkward and a bit rude given the circumstances.

OP posts:
Wonderwall23 · 09/09/2025 07:13

Not aimed at you OP...more around the comments given here...

It's 2025. This is sexual misconduct and needs to be dealt with...not only for the blatant demonstration of it being completely unacceptable as an incident that has impacted you, but in terms of the wider implications of his attitude (risk to business in terms of unprofessional behaviour with colleagues and customers, lack of respect towards authority, how his lack of understanding of what is acceptable could extend to other things etc etc).

It does sound like you need some advice from HR and that is absolutely the right place to go, but the suggestion that they will deal with it for you is also outdated in 2025...HR aren't the police and won't likely manage this on your behalf. It'll be your job as manager to deal with it...that is literally a responsibility of a manager. Mumsnet never gives out good HR advice! Don't doubt yourself...have the confidence to take this seriously, read your organisation's policies and seek any advice you need, and it'll be a good learning experience for you.

Neemie · 09/09/2025 07:05

Mumstheword1380 · 08/09/2025 22:29

It seems he sees you more as a friend than his manager so trying to make light of a situation and not taking it seriously. I remember someone saying to me years ago when you are in management, your employees can’t be your friends. By all means be polite, courteous etc. When your employees are your friends they don’t take you seriously as their manager. Never fully known how to respond to that as you want to be a harmonious team with your colleagues but at the same time there’s a fine line that shouldn’t be crossed. You have to be given a certain level of respect given your position in regards to disciplinaries etc. I think he was pushing it to be honest, either he’s really cheeky type guy thinking he’s being funny or completely disrespectful.

That sounds like it came from someone with weak management skills who struggled to earn respect.

Owly11 · 09/09/2025 07:02

Fucking hell. He needs dealing with. He sounds like a very toxic person, possibly a psychopath. Tread carefully and make sure all your dealings with him are witnessed, with a proper paper trail and followed up by email. I wouldn’t be alone in a room with him again. Ideally he will be moved out of the business over time. Why are you doubling whether it was inappropriate behaviour?

duckfordinner · 09/09/2025 07:01

He knows what he is doing. Disrespectful and thinks he is untouchable. Disciplinary action

Epidote · 09/09/2025 07:00

LlamaNoDrama · 08/09/2025 22:13

Was his argument with the colleague because he's always an idiot?!

I though this as well.

OhNoNotSusan · 09/09/2025 06:56

senior managers want an easy life i have found

Bestfootforward11 · 09/09/2025 06:56

Highly inappropriate. I hate all this ‘oh that’s just what’s he’s like’ rubbish. He needs to be pulled up on it fully. He absolutely would not have behaved like this to a man.

Ddakji · 09/09/2025 06:56

Grim. Really really grim. Your boss and DP too.

I’d go to HR.

Shinysunday · 09/09/2025 06:54

I imagine you were shocked OP and didn’t respond as you might have if you’d been planning for this behaviou. Hes well out of order with the suggestion of kinky sexual play . I don’t know what you can do now except talk to a more senior colleague or union rep who might support you in giving a warning that this way of treating a manager in a serious situation won’t be tolerated.

AnotherOne101 · 09/09/2025 06:49

Sundaymorningcalla · 08/09/2025 21:58

I can't understand why as the Manager or this individual you didn't call out their inappropriate behaviour there and then? Or are you their Supervisor and not Manager?

This. Talk to HR about it, get it on his record and consider how you can upskill as a manager.

EmpressaurusKitty · 09/09/2025 06:45

If this idiot thinks that’s appropriate behaviour in front of his manager, then how’s he behaving to women who are his equals or on lower levels? Jokingly threatening to spank them?

Daisymail · 09/09/2025 06:43

Megifer · 08/09/2025 21:52

Really inappropriate. I'd have paused the meeting and told him id rearrange for when hes ready for a serious discussion.

Not funny at all.

100% thus.

SunnySideDeepDown · 09/09/2025 06:41

It’s his passive aggressive way of letting you know he doesn’t respect you. I suspect he’s sexist.

Id go hard on him, let him know it’s unprofessional and not to do it again.

JackRobinson · 09/09/2025 06:37

Completely inappropriate. The sexualisation is a separate issue, IMO, from him being flippant about a disciplinary meeting. (Which is to say, there are two issues here, both worthy of concern.) I would be taking it further, OP.

verycloakanddaggers · 09/09/2025 06:32

I'd document everything, including your manager minimising it, and escalate or take to HR.

Sorry you've got this to deal with, people ignore this sort of behaviour all the time and then eventually it starts to cause real problems.

OhNoNotSusan · 09/09/2025 06:28

that doesnt sound like sexual harassment though

Iwilladmit · 09/09/2025 06:26

Sundaymorningcalla · 08/09/2025 21:58

I can't understand why as the Manager or this individual you didn't call out their inappropriate behaviour there and then? Or are you their Supervisor and not Manager?

This is a snide put down which is mean when OP has asked for help.

CurlewKate · 09/09/2025 06:03

SouthernNights59 · 09/09/2025 02:11

Oh thank goodness, I thought I was the only one who thought it a complete non issue. I would have laughed and not given it a second thought.

I am so thankful my working days are now over if this is how people react to such a silly thing. No wonder the world is becoming such a dull and depressing place.

Show quote history

I think we’re all thankful your working days are over too.

CurlewKate · 09/09/2025 06:01

I think we’re all thankful your

Crushed23 · 09/09/2025 05:53

5128gap · 09/09/2025 00:06

Your staff member made a power grab by sexualising the situation. He took control of the meeting hoping to wrong foot you, and showed you he thinks your authority over him is a joke. I'd take this incredibly seriously because this speaks volumes about his level of respect for you. Your male manager and husband, being men, will not have experienced the way some male subordinates use these techniques to belittle their female seniors. If he was my staff member he'd be finding out what being disciplined in the work place really meant.

This is spot on.

ThatIcyPoet · 09/09/2025 05:52

How exactly was this supposed to be funny is beyond me. Very unprofessional of him and tbh everyone at your workplace who just shrugs it off.

Littlemisscapable · 09/09/2025 05:49

LittleCarrot12 · 09/09/2025 02:50

Completely inappropriate . I’d have left and reported to HR

This.. gosh that is awful..totally inappropriate but really concerning regarding the culture of office Is this private sector?.

CarlaLemarchant · 09/09/2025 05:43

AngelicKaty · 09/09/2025 00:40

@user1492757084 No-one has said his behaviour was "sexual". They've said his behaviour was "Harassment related to sex" (referring to sex being a protected characteristic where his manager's sex is female). But thank you for confirming my previous post. 🙄

I don’t agree with all of what the pp you quoted has said but many people on this thread have said it was sexual harassment or that it was sexualised behaviour so not sure why you are saying no one has said it.

The pp you are rolling your eyes at says they believe he would also have done it to a male manager. You and many others will no doubt insist he wouldn’t have but none of you actually know. For all we know, it’s a ‘joke’ he’s used before when he’s got in trouble that has worked for him by deflecting/lightening the moment and making a proper telling off impossible.

OP needs to go back and address it with him properly. Make it clear that his attempt at humour is outdated and inappropriate and not to be repeated. Repetition will result in more formal process. I’d document it myself but I wouldn’t go to HR at this stage unless it already formed part of a bigger picture (assuming the argument with the colleague was minor).

Zanatdy · 09/09/2025 05:42

I’d call him into another meeting and tell him that whilst he may have considered it a joke, his behaviour was highly inappropriate. Follow it up with an email.

BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 09/09/2025 05:23

AMiddleClassWomanOfACertainAge · 08/09/2025 23:09

Many years ago I managed a bloke who on having negative feedback asked me to wear leather next time. He was gone the next day and I’m glad my my employers took it seriously and got rid. The phrase “it’s just how he is” is how people get away with unacceptable and quite often serious behaviour.

Agree.

Go to hr and complain. That's wild

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