to take ds1’s phone off him until he takes school serious?

Sounds like you lost sight of the ball and haven’t plugged the gap in your parenting skills so are going hell for leather.

This is good advice. The phone is a symptom, not a cause. He’s had the phone for a week. Presumably the issues with not doing homework and vaping haven’t just presented themselves as a problem.

If he claims kids his age are making money off TikTok, call his bluff. Give him a month and say if he’s made any money, you’ll support him to continue. If it’s that easy he should be fine with it.

Talk to him about what his passion is and what attracts him to it, ask him what his long term plan is. To be honest, saying you aren’t able to deal with him properly because you have two smaller children is quite telling. I expect he’s felt that a lot since they were born. If you’ve been expecting him to see to himself, treat him like the nearly adult he’s had to be. That’s not a criticism, I can see how that can happen when naturally you have younger kids who need attention. We often forget how much our teenagers need us too, and not just to step in when we think they are well on their way down the wrong path, especially when we didn’t notice they had stepped on it already.

Taking his phone away is treating him like he is a child. It will solve nothing, it will cause resentment, and despite everyone thinking teenagers should never have them, they are a part of their world and it’s our job to teach them how to be sensible with them. Set your boundaries and support him to meet them.

I think that this is good advice.

There are apprenticeships for digital marketing and courses for digital creators (I’d check your local colleges) to see if that could motivate him. Call it “making contacts” or “meeting people who will want to collab”

On a side note I believe that YouTube and Instagram pay better than TikTok. Obviously people post on multiple platforms these days but if he limits himself to one platform then he’s limiting his income because I’m never going to be on platforms like Snapchat.

He should be starting to create “something” now if he’s serious. Learning how to edit, use special features effects is a tedious and time consuming process but people can make money from digital marketing and social media content if they are focused. It sounds like your son is not focused but a challenge to create a video could have fire him up a bit and that would be great news as a parent.

Anyway look up the digital courses at college. Your son is going to have to work a job if he doesn’t go to college and it sounds like he’d be happily NEET.

I would limit phone time to maybe Sat or Fri overnight and offer extra if he makes a video. Do you have an event like a birthday you could use as a challenge for him to see if he can edit a video? I know it’s not the funny content he thinks that will make him millions but digital editing is a skill.

Absolutely take his phone off him at night.
I would actually push him to show you what he can do. He's absolutely correct young people make a lot of money on social media but there are a tiny percentage of the people who try.
Challenge him to make his first video and post it, see if he gets many views, I highly doubt he will but he will soon learn that its a lot harder than he thinks, see if he's still planning to do it after hes made 100 videos.
....or he might become a millionaire and we can all eat our words 😆

I'd go with the idea that he's going to be a really successful Tiktok creator. Of course that's going to happen for him. So what skills is he going to need now to make that happen.
Maths, so he can understand the money coming in and out, how best to invest his millions, what the deals he's being offered mean financially etc.
English, because it's a communications business - he'll constantly be talking to all his advertisers and brand partners, need to ensure any text on screen is correctly spelled, that he can understand contracts he's signing etc.
Art/ Drama/ Media, so he's all over how to create visually interesting, engaging content.
Politics. He's going to create content that's seen around the world, so he needs to understand the world and how that'll affect his successful business. How are Trumps tariffs affecting the brands he works with, how is unrest in the Middle East or censorship in China affecting his viewership.

I dont think it works like that do you honestly think he is gping to wake up and go 'mums got my phone i will be a model student now' and magic wand will make it all disappear maybe speak to the school again about it

I agree with restrictions whichever you choose, and hope it has some impact. As the eldest also, it may also show your younger child/children what you see as unacceptable and perhaps a small chance they will not follow suit.

Take it and let him kick off all he likes. You're not ruining his life, but you'll ruin your own if you end up with a twentysomething with no qualifications and no work history still sponging off you while he chases his "dreams". Make it crystal clear that education (and actually making an effort with it) is mandatory until he's 18, and once he's done with education, he doesn't get to stay under your roof without being in full-time paid work. Tiktok videos are something to do in his spare time and he only gets to quit his real job AFTER they start making enough to live on, if he's in the small minority of people who get there.

At least take it overnight

There’s more to it than this. He sounds a fairly typical teen but also a bit lost and maybe low in self esteem. Maybe have some quality time together where you can really talk about what’s going on in his life and is he happy.

Exactly this!

He's 16 he's old enough to ride a motorscooter or motorbike! He's about 2 weeks younger than my son who is now getting himself to college 2 cities away by train leaving the house at 6 in the morning and getting back at 6 in the evening! He's not a child.

There's no damage limitation now! The damage is irrepairable now! It's literally revision from now until Easter no more time for learning!

It's fairly easy to make money from tiktok but, it's not something you can just do in your spare time of you do want to make money.
It takes time and effort, you need to take time on decent editing, getting in touch with companies for collaborations etc.

You can do it and concentrate on GCSEs, but he would need your cooperation and help.

He also doesn't need to be tiktoking at midnight or whatever to get on

Yes, also these kind of children are quite canny about parental controls etc. - he's not 10!

We have teens. Family controls on phones, restricted hours. no wifi on their devices after 9 on school nights. No phones upstairs.

Lowest data plan going. Lowest cost of phone. It's not a right!

Re school, say sounds great but you must get good gcses and have choices. Monitor homework etc- you can see from the school app. Tell the teachers to be tougher with him, in the real world, no one let's you off not delivering endless times.

But- after school sports, clubs, cadets, keep him busy. Not hanging round bored.

Everyone always says to switch the Internet off at 9. Do these people not know about data packages on phones?

Yes, you're right. For damage limitation, her and her DH need to have a meeting at school.

Yeah, it's not a great picture, is it?
OP, you sound as if you need some help and support. Set up a meeting with a pastoral leader at school. If necessary, ask for external agency help.
The vaping alone is very problematic.

Teacher here. It's already too late. Y11 is last bit of teaching, lots of revision and loads of mocks. If he didn't learn it in Y10, he can't revise it in Y11.

You know nothing is going to change- your teens will do nothing except game and spend your money on vapes and probably weed unless you and your husband start doing something!!

Just read your other post where you had to take your younger kids out to get nappies because your 16 year old is on TikTok and vaping, your 13 year old is roaring on the Xbox, your dh is working ‘long hours, and you’re annoyed your mil won’t come and help you.

Or if you really want to give him a consequence hide his charger he'll soon behave when he sees his battery going down and needing to charge it 🤣🤣

On a serious note though he's 16 old enough to realise that if he pisses about in school he'll get crap grades. All you can do is encourage him to put in the work and effort. He's old enough to be responsible for his own studies

Do you pay the bill? If so, take it off him permanently. Parents do their kids no favours tolerating mobile phone addictions.

There’s a middle way.

WiFi off at 9. Phone charging overnight in your bedroom.

they don’t regulate well, and year 11 is important.

you can buy lock boxes for phones - scouts and cadets and similar organisations use them.

I feel for you OP - teens are tricky, GCSEs are stressful, phones/social media are the devil!

If you can work with him to manage phone use and set boundaries generally for a healthy lifestyle that will help.

I would also try and work with his dream (hard as it is sometimes!!) it doesn’t have to be either or - he can do both. Only 5-10% of digital creators are successful and they probably have some qualifications- business, finance, marketing, some social/psychological understanding of audiences and markets. And they may have financial backing. Stay curious, ask questions about what interesrs him. If you can engage other family members who may have a good influence or friends.

I also wonder if the attraction of alternative pathways might be due to fear of failure in the mainstream - reject it before it rejects you. Try and understand if there are fears underlying his views/behaviour - it might be a mix of fear, lack mix motivation and disillusionment with education if you don’t think uni is for you or know what you want to do (not many do at 16 and even if they do it prob changes!) a pathway of less comparison with peers can be attractive. Try to connect and help him see that effort is to be celebrated and an education helps open doors. We talk a lot about keeping doors open not closing them.

It’s tough stay strong - and you might have to watch him learn the hard way. You can lead a horse to water and all that… .. Good luck!