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What are the red flags for a lustful man?

154 replies

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:23

I’ve been getting to know someone recently who I met off a dating app. When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits, spoke so maturely about both our previous relationships, said he loves to love, his friends say he’s very calm tempered. I like how he wasn’t afraid to make me feel amazing about myself, which some insecure men are afraid of doing. He seems very disciplined with his lifestyle, wakes up at 6am, goes gym, excelling in his career.

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is the same, but I’m concerned he’s a lot more needy for physical attention.

On the build up to meeting him he kept asking me for lots of pictures even though he had already seen a few on my dating profile. He complimented me loads, calling me perfect and constantly wanted to see more (fully clothed photos ofc). He would also send a lot of pictures of himself. Over the phone I noticed he made a couple jokes about the bedroom.

On our first date he was a complete gentleman, opened the doors, paid for the date etc. He opened up about a lot of his problems and family issues and told me how he wants meaningful conversations with someone. He has a lot of friends but I sense some loneliness in him.

Since getting to know him, I felt like things were moving very fast. After this date the compliments continued and he started complimenting my personality too, and was pushing to see me again in a few days. Within the space of that week he had told me he loves how I carry myself, that I’m perfect, he’s so greedy for me, he could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together. I felt very overwhelmed with the attention. We were having a lot of serious talks too about the future and our compatibility which we both aligned on, so I was really starting to like him too. He told me he wants me to meet his sisters whenever I’m ready and they will tell me he has a good character.

He would randomly say how much he wants to hug, or cuddle me- bearing in mind we’d only had 2 dates and no physical touch. This just sounded like lustful behaviour. However, he said when he likes someone he’s all in on that person, so am I judging it the wrong way? He hasn’t crossed any of my boundaries and when I told him I want to take things slow and not meet up so often, he agreed and was very respectful about it. Then a few days later he sent me a topless picture of himself at the gym wearing nothing but his boxers. I just felt this was again, too early and lustful. I don’t want to end up marrying someone who can’t control their desires or prioritises the physical side of things too much.

OP posts:
nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 08/09/2025 22:29

He used the term "Love language"? 🤢

This is all about him. Has he any interest in what you want?

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 21:39

CurlewKate · 08/09/2025 21:38

The word “lustful” is such a turn off.

Sorry I just learnt the term myself from tiktok 😂

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 08/09/2025 21:38

The word “lustful” is such a turn off.

moderndilemma · 08/09/2025 21:24

As many wise MN women have said, when a man tells you who he is - listen.

He has told you that physical touch is his love language. So presumably he means that being touched is what makes him feel loved, and touching you is how he expresses his love. Does that match with you?

If he wants to express his love by being physical, when you don't want that (at that particular moment), what other ways is he also able to express love? If you are doing thoughtful and caring things for him but he rejects it because he only wants physical touch, how would that make your feel?

What exactly does 'physical touch' mean to him? A day when dh and I walk along a beach hand in hand is physical touch (combined with a long chat putting the world to rights!) But it is not a signal that sex is on the cards - it might or might not be. Can he give you a gentle rub on the back of your neck and then you both turn over and go to sleep? Or is that physical touch a prelude to sex? Does he grope your boobs (maybe when you don't want it) because 'it shows how much he loves you'?

Words of affirmation make me feel loved, and acts of service are how I express love. But I can also talk about where I stand on all the others (gift giving and receiving are both low down for me). Did his conversation about love languages include all of that? Or has he alighted upon a quasi psychological framework that gives him freedom to look enlightened whilst actually being a letch?

@Liz128 what are your love languages (there are usually more than one)? How does that align with his single approach?

swingingbytheseat · 08/09/2025 21:21

He’s a bit needy, possibly emotionally immature, makes me think he hasn’t had many long term girlfriends.
You sound very balanced. I’m not sure it’s a red flag but just going with your eyes wide open

Onelifeonly · 08/09/2025 21:19

It's fine to be "lustful" but seeing you as "becoming old together" after 2 dates would have me running for the hills or laughing in his face. No sane, normal man would say such a thing. As for the "love languages"......

VivaForever81 · 08/09/2025 21:14

First response nailed it, he’s love bombing you and will probably ghost you once you’ve fallen for him/shagged him. Sorry op but massive red flags.

PermanentTemporary · 08/09/2025 21:12

Urgh!!!!! What @JudgeBread said.

Sounds like he’s flipping through a pack of cards he bought at a pick-up artist event, trying to find out the fastest way into your knickers. Sounds about as authentic as a three-bob note.

Tip: if you are ever feeling rushed or uncomfortable on an early date, that’s your gut screaming NO. Don’t ignore it.

napody · 08/09/2025 21:10

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 20:34

I clearly need to work on spotting red flags lol. He also said that in his last marriage, his ex called him a narcissist. That’s why he’s worked on his toxic traits over the years. I thought it was a good thing that he was opening up so much and showing self awareness hahahaa

That's like a full Derren Brown trick- tell your audience what you're going to do so they trust you. Even when what they're going to do is (in Derren's case) trick you or (in your date's) be a narcissist.

Zov · 08/09/2025 21:03

@Liz128

Watch Dirty John (Netflix) Season 1. (There are 2 seasons, but that's the best one.)

This man is screaming John Meehan from that show.

It did not end well.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 08/09/2025 21:02

I’d rather he never had ‘toxic traits’ to start with. Many men are not toxic at all and never have been. The fact he once considered himself toxic? Dangerous. The fact he may still be toxic? I’d be done.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2025 20:56

Framesite · 08/09/2025 20:50

Interesting, but I found almost all the things you describe as green flags in your opening paragraph, red.

Yep.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2025 20:55

Any man who uses the phrase “love language” is an immediate, one strike and you’re out red flag for me.

Its cringe-o-rama and it almost certainly means he wants to get his leg over and has read a book about how women love hearing psychobabble.

Ditch and move on.

LorrieTosh · 08/09/2025 20:54

What “toxic traits” has he been working on?

You’ve only been on two dates, and he’s saying you’re perfect, that you’re “the one”, that he can see you growing old together, talking about the future, and wanting you to meet his sisters? This sounds like textbook love bombing. It’s recognisable to anyone who’s been on the receiving end of it, because it’s almost like a script. I’m sure at some point soon he’ll tell you he’s never felt like this about anyone before (if he hasn’t already).

You’ve said you feel like things are moving too fast, and you’re overwhelmed with the attention. It is too fast, and you should listen to your gut - it’s telling you something isn’t right. Behaving like this when you’ve only just started dating is a huge red flag.

BotterMon · 08/09/2025 20:52

TBH he sounds a bit of an arse. Why on earth are you thinking marriage after 2 dates?

His pseudopsychospeak would have me running a mile let alone the lovebombing.

Framesite · 08/09/2025 20:50

Interesting, but I found almost all the things you describe as green flags in your opening paragraph, red.

WalkDontWalk · 08/09/2025 20:49

Frankly, I couldn’t fancy anyone who told me what their ‘love language’ was - whatever their ‘love language’ was.

MasterBeth · 08/09/2025 20:44

He sounds like a jerk with a mountain of red flags

LittleBearPad · 08/09/2025 20:42

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 20:34

I clearly need to work on spotting red flags lol. He also said that in his last marriage, his ex called him a narcissist. That’s why he’s worked on his toxic traits over the years. I thought it was a good thing that he was opening up so much and showing self awareness hahahaa

Oh dear god.

No one normal goes on about working on their toxic traits.

Equally you’ve seen this man two / three times and you’re talking about marriage.

Move on from him but do relax a bit!

Zov · 08/09/2025 20:38

Hillrunning · 08/09/2025 17:55

That full list of things that you have put aside green flags would be huge red flags for me. Argh I was so put off jsut half way through your list.

Same here. My vagina just clamped shut reading the OP's posts. I would be running like the wind away from a man like this. He sounds utterly batshit, creepy, and as weird as fuck. I hate being pawed and constantly complimented and stared at, and cooed over. Just feck OFFFFFFFF!

The hills are that way @Liz128 >>> I'm sorry, but he just sounds bonkers.

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 20:34

I clearly need to work on spotting red flags lol. He also said that in his last marriage, his ex called him a narcissist. That’s why he’s worked on his toxic traits over the years. I thought it was a good thing that he was opening up so much and showing self awareness hahahaa

OP posts:
Illegally18 · 08/09/2025 20:29

Sarover · 08/09/2025 19:39

OP, you and this man are not compatible. But, tbh your approach comes over odder than his.

These expressions you use stand out to me:
-lustful man
-calm tempered
-needy for physical attention
-how I ‘carry myself’
-has a good character
-i don’t want to marry someone who can’t control their physical desires

Have you grown up in a different culture? This way of talking about relationships comes across as old fashioned or unusual. Have you been following dating advice on religious tok toks?
Dating nowadays isn’t really like old fashioned match making. Everybody, is ‘lustful’ sometimes. It just depends on who you choose to be lustful with and when. And I don’t think anyone has noticed how you ‘carry’ yourself since the Victorian era.

I agree. The OP's language is in itself unusual. 'Lustful' sounds almost biblical.

kalokagathos · 08/09/2025 20:28

He’s grooming and love bombing

Illegally18 · 08/09/2025 20:24

InterestedDad37 · 08/09/2025 18:11

Despite 'working on his toxic traits', he sounds like he doesn't really know himself, isn't at peace with himself, and definitely just wants a shag.

lol, yes!😂

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 08/09/2025 20:21

I couldn't take all that 'toxic traits' malarkey.

A box of Black Magic on the pillow does it for me, especially if I see them swing back out of the window (on the 14 storey) dangling from a helicopter - but then I am a bit old-fashioned like that.