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Original poster

Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

237 replies

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 13:41

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

OP posts:
Catmummy21 · 08/09/2025 14:36

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 13:54

I really really really don't want to do that. I want him to want to do that. Am I being an arse though? I just don't want to be controlling. And I want him to think (as I would) 'this is making my other half feel insecure, and its disrespectful so Im unfriending'. I just would block any ex who did that crap (and have, cos ex husband does it all the time - some go into my email spam folder).

You’re saying you want him to be a mind-reader!
You want him to know that him being friends with her on facebook is making you feel insecure and take action about it, but you are unwilling to TELL him that him being friends with her in Facebook is making you insecure?

Also, why did he show you that picture of them that she sent? Why did he not tell her he was taken and delete the photo? Sounds like he wanted to make you jealous, and it succeeded.

He is enjoying the feeling of being wanted by two women. 🙄

You need to tell him, once only, that you do not appreciate what he did by telling you about this woman and failing to make his intentions clear by shutting her down / cutting her off. You do not intend to compete for him, if he is serious about you, he needs to treat you and the relationship with respect.
Time for a big chat - are you exclusive partners, or not? If he wants you to be his partner, your expectations are that he immediately shuts down flirtatious messages and cuts ties. Those are the terms, he can take it or leave it.

nomas · 08/09/2025 14:33

yada yada, and that he would unfriend.

He said he would unfriend her, but didn't. That likely means he told you about ex's message to make you jealous but he has no intention of stopping contact with ex.

Do you really want to play these games at 51? I'd dump him now before you get enmeshed.

floraldreamer · 08/09/2025 14:33

I'm not sure on the rest of your post but I'm fb friends with 3 of my exes and there's absolutely nothing going on with any of them. You either trust him or you dont, whatever this woman does or says.

Megifer · 08/09/2025 14:33

So hes got mentionitis and showing you messages between them both and, what, one of them was "accidentally" a loved up pic from her?

Hes obviously getting you both to do the "pick me" dance. Get him in the bin. I've got cheese in my fridge older than 6 months.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 14:32

Sunnyscribe · 08/09/2025 14:27

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with a current partner being friends with an ex. I also think it's weird that he's keeping himself updated on her romantic activity.

I think especially considering her behaviour where she has attempted to get him back for an entire year and now is also doing the same after her engagement ended, he should recognise that she's not capable of breaking contact with him so he should do it for her by unfriending/blocking because it unfair on you.

I couldn't be bothered with all this is it was me. I think it says a lot about his character, especially at his age, presuming he's a fully grown proper adult as you mention your own age to be 51.

YES! I was wondering why he even knew she was single unless he was stalking her page?? Would he get an alert for a status change.

Also if someone is pursuing you, and you aren't interested, why would you be friends with them - thats just rubbing salt in the wound surely? My ex did/does this, and I certainly wouldn't be friends with him. Just encouraging it isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 14:27

Someone2025 · 08/09/2025 14:24

I would not be friends on Facebook ( or anywhere else) with someone who cheated on me……I really don’t understand some people!

Show quote history

Same!!! its bonkers. So i can only assume he liked the attention. Ewww.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/09/2025 14:27

A few red flags. Only you know for sure how red they are.

  1. he has "basically" moved in with you, in under six months. Did you discuss this.. agree to it or did it just "happen" a naturally evolving situation. is he paying half of bills etc.. Or are you.

  2. This whole ex scenario is wierd. He loved her. She dumped him and went on to have a child. She's contacting him, but its OK cos she's getting married, Oh now she's not but still wants to be friends. Sounds like a high drama soap opera.

Why is he still in contact with her? Why does he keep telling you about it.. showing you pictures of them together as a couple?

He's either showing off, trying to make you feel that he is in demand from lots of women.. or he's quite proud about the fact that she still has the hots for him and can't resist telling you. Or he wants to keep you on your toes, making sure you please him... which as he has just "basically" moved in.. i would definitely be questioning.

In your shoes, I would slow things down... reduce the amount of time he stays over and take things really slowly. And I would ask him to block her on social media.

Sunnyscribe · 08/09/2025 14:27

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with a current partner being friends with an ex. I also think it's weird that he's keeping himself updated on her romantic activity.

I think especially considering her behaviour where she has attempted to get him back for an entire year and now is also doing the same after her engagement ended, he should recognise that she's not capable of breaking contact with him so he should do it for her by unfriending/blocking because it unfair on you.

I couldn't be bothered with all this is it was me. I think it says a lot about his character, especially at his age, presuming he's a fully grown proper adult as you mention your own age to be 51.

Someone2025 · 08/09/2025 14:24

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 13:54

I really really really don't want to do that. I want him to want to do that. Am I being an arse though? I just don't want to be controlling. And I want him to think (as I would) 'this is making my other half feel insecure, and its disrespectful so Im unfriending'. I just would block any ex who did that crap (and have, cos ex husband does it all the time - some go into my email spam folder).

I would not be friends on Facebook ( or anywhere else) with someone who cheated on me……I really don’t understand some people!

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/09/2025 14:23

You are 6 months in and he is making you feel this way with his behaviour. Your gut is screaming that you are unsafe and you are not listening. Why? I think honestly, this is enough to end it, the whole thing is incredibly immature and if he really wanted to ease your worry, he would unfriend his ex and never talk about her again.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 14:18

GloryFades · 08/09/2025 14:10

I’m not sure you were that secure before if all it took was one message from another person to derail it.

My DH’s ex wife could message him saying she missed him after years of no contact, or Taylor Swift could message him asking if he fancied a date and I wouldn’t be in a tailspin like this. I am secure in the relationship to know he isn’t going entertain unsolicited offer.

Now I’d feel differently if he messaged his ex wife to say he missed her, or if he messaged Taylor asking for a date (this would be an ick thing though, not because he has a chance 😂) I would be reconsidering the relationship.

Thats different though. He has remained facebook friends/text friends. If your DH kept contact with someone who did that wouldn't you think he was being disrespectful to you? Instead of him telling them where to go and blocking?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 08/09/2025 14:18

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 14:11

Sorry what reveal? Im confused. You mean about the picture from June?

He told me about her all along. We both talked about our exes. He only just told me/showed me the june message she sent. But she was with her fiancee and due to get married then so imagine how she is gonna be now!

I don't think he wants to be with her, but I do think he wants the attention. Its the only explanation really. Which gives me the massive ick.

Show quote history

I’d just be honest about it. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you want to cool things while he decides if her being single again means anything to him; if it does, he should get back with her. If he decides he wants to be with you, he should then come back to you and prove that he is committing to your relationship and leaving his ex in the past.
He can’t have it both ways -that’s not fair to you.

dogcatkitten · 08/09/2025 14:17

You've told him you don't like him being friendly with his ex, so there's not much more you can do. If you can't take him at his word that there's nothing to it, it's going to be a problem whether he unfriends her or not, there are other ways of them being in touch. If you and he are spending all your time together, he's not spending it with her. Just try to relax and enjoy yourself with him if it's destined to last it will and if not it's been good. If he prefers her nothing you can do, but it doesn't really seem like he does and he definitely can't trust her to be faithful.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 14:15

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2025 14:06

Is this pleasant for you op?

as in are you enjoying this?

im single and one thing I absolutely love about it is the blissful peaceful of it. There’s just no negativity or worrying does he/doesn’t he. I doubt I would find any relationship more pleasant than being single.

but that’s me. What about you? Are you enjoying this drama?

tbh he hasn’t done anything wrong as far as I could fathom from the op. Literally nothing. And yet you’re wringing your hands.

I had a horrid awful marriage that ended 8 years ago. Like you, Ive thoroughly enjoyed being single and despite dating a little never really liked anyone. I really was at the point of just giving up and enjoying single life forever. Then I met him, and tbh I have been incredibly happy. Because for the first time ever I have felt in love but its been healthy - no angsting, no up and downs, no insecurities, just really lovely. So I totally hear you! Thats why I want to run for the hills (maybe a tad dramatic, lol) because like you I dont want to feel any drama ever again. The feeling of things just being off, feeling jealous and insecure and a bit worried made me just want to go straight back to single life. I jsut don't need it yanno?

Interesting you think he hasn't done anythign wrong. Maybe it doesn't matter, i just didn't like the unsettled feelz. I need total calm.

OP posts:
TwoTuesday · 08/09/2025 14:13

She sounds very needy and fickle, bouncing from one bloke to the next. Is it clear on Facebook that he's in a relationship? I agree that it's cringe, but maybe a couple pic (with you obvs) as his profile pic, put his status as "in a relationship" (if that's still a thing). If he wanted to be with her, he would be. He's fended her off previously without any problem. Just watch out for any "damsel in distress" routine. Being Facebook friends doesn't really mean anything on its own.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 14:11

GRex · 08/09/2025 14:02

He took 3 months of your relationship to do the reveal, so something has been going on in the interim. This one is a run, don't walk.

Sorry what reveal? Im confused. You mean about the picture from June?

He told me about her all along. We both talked about our exes. He only just told me/showed me the june message she sent. But she was with her fiancee and due to get married then so imagine how she is gonna be now!

I don't think he wants to be with her, but I do think he wants the attention. Its the only explanation really. Which gives me the massive ick.

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 08/09/2025 14:11

OP, I am a similar age to you with a partner of 4 years, very similar relationship. Something happened early on in our relationship; his ex posted something on Facebook which put me on a temporary alert! She lives overseas so I knew there was no way that anything was going on but she clearly wanted to cause trouble (which it did but very briefly).

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Maybe he does enjoy the attention but she is definitely a trouble-maker best ignored. Hopefully this will be the last you'll hear of it.

GloryFades · 08/09/2025 14:10

I’m not sure you were that secure before if all it took was one message from another person to derail it.

My DH’s ex wife could message him saying she missed him after years of no contact, or Taylor Swift could message him asking if he fancied a date and I wouldn’t be in a tailspin like this. I am secure in the relationship to know he isn’t going entertain unsolicited offer.

Now I’d feel differently if he messaged his ex wife to say he missed her, or if he messaged Taylor asking for a date (this would be an ick thing though, not because he has a chance 😂) I would be reconsidering the relationship.

Kingoftheroad · 08/09/2025 14:08

BitOutOfPractice · 08/09/2025 13:54

Are you sure you’re 51 and not 15 op. What a load of drama over nothing.

And while you’re at it, slow the hell down on this relationship!

How rude if you don’t have something supportive to say then shut up

BuckChuckets · 08/09/2025 14:08

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 13:54

I really really really don't want to do that. I want him to want to do that. Am I being an arse though? I just don't want to be controlling. And I want him to think (as I would) 'this is making my other half feel insecure, and its disrespectful so Im unfriending'. I just would block any ex who did that crap (and have, cos ex husband does it all the time - some go into my email spam folder).

You shouldn't be second guessing yourself this much in a healthy relationship - ESPECIALLY not only a few months in.

Kingoftheroad · 08/09/2025 14:07

Sounds like he’s playing both sides. Why is he even discussing her with you? I am completely with you on this, I’d feel terrible.

protect yourself trust your instincts that’s what they’re there for.

I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum either. I would tell him it’s over. If he really loves you he’ll fight for you if he doesn’t then you still have your self respect in tact.

You’re far too good for this

m

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2025 14:06

Is this pleasant for you op?

as in are you enjoying this?

im single and one thing I absolutely love about it is the blissful peaceful of it. There’s just no negativity or worrying does he/doesn’t he. I doubt I would find any relationship more pleasant than being single.

but that’s me. What about you? Are you enjoying this drama?

tbh he hasn’t done anything wrong as far as I could fathom from the op. Literally nothing. And yet you’re wringing your hands.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 14:05

PeanutsForever · 08/09/2025 14:01

Quite honestly this sounds ridiculous on all sides. You are being passive aggressive in refusing to say outrigt tha tyou don't want himt o be facebook friends with her and expecting her to prove he loves you by deleting her.

He is being very silly by keeping in touch with this woman. And frankly, it makes me question is story about her having an affair.

You are all being very immature by letting this play out on facebook.

You are being naive by letting him move in so soon after you started dating.

Yeh I don't do facebook because it all seems rather cringe - so this stuff is making my skin crawl.

I possibly am being passive aggressive. I just dont' want to order someone to do something.

He hasn't moved in. He has his own place. We just spend a lot of time together, which has built over time, and yes he contributes in every way, housework included.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 14:03

MrsDoylesTeaTray · 08/09/2025 13:59

Why obsess over the unfriending? He’ll block her and they’ll just move the flirting to whatsapp .
Ultimately you don’t trust him and he’s enjoying being in demand, ask yourself if there’s a future for you both?

Well he could for sure. He is on his phone with me all the time. I did trust him. But him just being ok with her pursuing him feels wrong. Feels v. disrespectful. Now it seems like shes been jilted or near enough, and apparently lots of woe is me facebook posts, i expect she will start pursuing him more.

I think its a dick move to allow that. I have that from my ex. I don't allow it though.

OP posts:
GRex · 08/09/2025 14:02

He took 3 months of your relationship to do the reveal, so something has been going on in the interim. This one is a run, don't walk.

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