Page 6 | Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:04

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:58

Because there is so so much that is so good about him. He can be a bit of a dick at times yes. But I need some space to think this all through a bit more don't i.

Show quote history

It’s been six months - he shouldn’t be being a dick at all at this stage 😬

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:58

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 09:55

Why on earth would you want to be in any kind of relationship with him? I don’t get your thought process at all.

Show quote history

Because there is so so much that is so good about him. He can be a bit of a dick at times yes. But I need some space to think this all through a bit more don't i.

OP posts:

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:56

It is really annoying cos obviously Im not even thinking like that, and neither are they. He doesnt say it in a way he doesn't trust me or is mad, he just afterwards always says, 'oh they well fancied you'. I mean it just seems so immature to me. Hes very complimentary about me, which is nice, but the world isnt goign about its business with people always fancying other people in every interaction, most people aren't thinking like that. Its kinda annoying, but I just took it as a quirk. Im sure I have many!!! I just roll my eyes and say 'yes dear' and pat his arm and laugh.

OP posts:

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 09:55

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:42

Yeh and he is absolutely convinced everyone is hitting on me - there are most certainly not. Im quite a chatty person, and when I talk to people he will always say that afterwards, its so weird. The other day I was at a gardens and was chatting to some dude about flowers - it was so innocent. But that happens all the time and he always says that afterwards. Odd.

I don't get how he is insecure. He is objectively extremely attractive and really lovely. I think he is damaged and doesn't see it hey.
Oh and hes early 40s

Show quote history

Why on earth would you want to be in any kind of relationship with him? I don’t get your thought process at all.

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2025 09:51

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:42

Yeh and he is absolutely convinced everyone is hitting on me - there are most certainly not. Im quite a chatty person, and when I talk to people he will always say that afterwards, its so weird. The other day I was at a gardens and was chatting to some dude about flowers - it was so innocent. But that happens all the time and he always says that afterwards. Odd.

I don't get how he is insecure. He is objectively extremely attractive and really lovely. I think he is damaged and doesn't see it hey.
Oh and hes early 40s

Show quote history

Even if he’s early 40’s, he’s still old enough to appreciate that people can find other people attractive - especially if they’re a celebrity and completely out of reach!!!
With the situation with the flower man etc, that would do my bloody head in! He either needs to trust you, or he needs to bugger off. It’s stifling.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:46

The13thFairy · 09/09/2025 09:30

Please - what is his own living situation? Is your place more comfortable than his? I would like you to slow your roll. Take several slow, deep breaths and slow down. He may well be a lovely person but his effect on you is anything but. Please protect yourself.

Show quote history

I agree.

He has his own flat but he loves being with me. We both do. But I don't know him, not really. This has shown me that.

OP posts:

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:42

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2025 09:38

I think he kept her on Facebook and wanted to post a photo of you, to rub her face in it and to show her what she threw away. Bit pathetic if he’s in his 50’s.
I’m more seeing red flags that he’s jealous of you ‘lusting’ (can’t think of a better word!) over a celebrity who you’re never likely to meet and also if a man talks to you in a pub or whatever. After just 6 months of dating, that would worry me tbh.

Yeh and he is absolutely convinced everyone is hitting on me - there are most certainly not. Im quite a chatty person, and when I talk to people he will always say that afterwards, its so weird. The other day I was at a gardens and was chatting to some dude about flowers - it was so innocent. But that happens all the time and he always says that afterwards. Odd.

I don't get how he is insecure. He is objectively extremely attractive and really lovely. I think he is damaged and doesn't see it hey.
Oh and hes early 40s

OP posts:

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:39

No I agree with you. I royally took the piss out of his sulking about Pierce. He didn't like it, but I will be arsed if im going to not say how hot pierce is - the man is a god! lol.

I also think (and it isn't a humble brag) but objectively Im quite attractive for my age, and there was a v. flattering pic of me, and i guess his ex is objectively not as attractive so I think he wanted to stick it to her. This makes me cringe inside and out. I bloody hate that crap. I know some women would be thrilled that their man was showing them off, but I don't like it. It also makes me a bit worried that hes not really as into me, he just likes sticking it to her. Im probably overthinking that.

Someone earlier said I need to slow down. I agree. This whole episode has made me feel I need to slow it way way down. I don't know him afterall. Hes here all the time now, so I have just said I need some time alone. He will be concerned and ask why but I think I shouldn't really say to much now. I really don't know right now how I think. Last night and this morning just wasn't the same. It may have appeared on the surface to him that it was, but I felt off.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2025 09:38

I think he kept her on Facebook and wanted to post a photo of you, to rub her face in it and to show her what she threw away. Bit pathetic if he’s in his 50’s.
I’m more seeing red flags that he’s jealous of you ‘lusting’ (can’t think of a better word!) over a celebrity who you’re never likely to meet and also if a man talks to you in a pub or whatever. After just 6 months of dating, that would worry me tbh.

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 09:33

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 17:51

It is a bit. I refused to have my pic up there, i just don't like facebook, but he did a sneaky. It really does make me feel like im at school - rubbing me in the face of his ex who hurt him.

Show quote history

This is two red flags. One, his wanting to show you off on FB despite your reluctance. Two, his doing it deceitfully despite you saying no.

Add that to his deceit over not telling you about her message in June. That’s what you know about. Whether it’s deliberate or not he has also made you uncomfortable and anxious. It’s a moot point whether he “ likes the attention”. He knows/knew it would make you uneasy.

That’s enough for you to think seriously about him. Then you added his being “ jealous “, being sulky about you engaging with other men, or even liking them on tv! That’s more worry. Are you already modifying your behaviour do you think? Are you not joking about guys on the telly, or avoiding interacting with men in social situations?

Controlling men rarely play all their cards early. Keeping their partners on their toes re previous relationships is often a tactic employed. As is explaining controlling / jealous or otherwise unreasonable behaviour on a cheating ex.

I appreciate you’ll probably be quick to refute this, but at the very least take the time to consider what I have said.

The13thFairy · 09/09/2025 09:30

catsand · 08/09/2025 13:55

The whole thing sounds like a red flag tbh - including being ‘deeply in love’ and basically living together at 6 months.

Please - what is his own living situation? Is your place more comfortable than his? I would like you to slow your roll. Take several slow, deep breaths and slow down. He may well be a lovely person but his effect on you is anything but. Please protect yourself.

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 09:14

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 13:41

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

Hey OP ..
His self confidence obviously took a hit when he was cheated on by his Ex , & now her showing him that she still has feelings for him ( if she does ) , well I suppose he’s liking that attention . .I’d say to your bf you’re not comfortable with it at all , that you feel you both have something good & there’s no room for Exs in your relationship, there’s not 🤷🏻‍♀️, & you’re just being honest with him …
As far as all the PPS saying you’re going way too fast in your relationship, it sounds like young love , staying together at her given opportunity, I think it’s kinda sweet 😍, throwing caution to the wind doesn’t always have to be a bad thing , we’re not getting any younger, I’m in around your age ☺️ , & you two are enjoying one another ..
He still has his own place 🤷🏻‍♀️…
I hope it all works out for you OP 🤞x

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/09/2025 09:12

Take a deep breath.
He is with you, if he wanted to rekindle the relationship, he would have before meeting you.
She's an ex, she'll stay an ex, if you're unhappy, be honest with him, suggest that he has to close the door on the ex.

NotoriousABC · 09/09/2025 09:06

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 07:54

Really? You wouldn't tell a man how you were feeling in a relationship? Isn't that game playing, and not giving the relationship a fair go? or him a chance to resolve things?

Show quote history

I would tend, rather than say that their behaviour made me feel jealous or insecure, to say that I find their behaviour unattractive.

sweetpickle2 · 09/09/2025 08:58

I know he's unfriended her now, but wanting him to do it without asking/feeling like you are being controlling by saying what you want etc... that's a red flag, on both sides. Wanting partners to mind read what you want is manipulative as it sort of becomes a test for them- also it's absolutely fine and normal in a healthy relationship to say out loud the thing you would like them to do or not do. The fact that you are almost a bit afraid of doing this (unless I've misunderstood?) isn't a good sign.

I personally couldn't be arsed with this amount of drama, especially 6 months in- it should be fun and easy!

Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 08:57

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 08:52

I did. I said yesterday that if her being single again meant he needed time to consider what that means for him, then he needs to do that, its not fair to me otherwise. He reassured me that he wouldn't be interested in her even if she was single, and he loves me and is committed to me. So we did have that conversation.

I shut it down now, because it just feels like drama, and part of me worries hes loving the 'this woman is obsessed with me' bit and I don't want to feed it. What im hoping is thats it now and it won't come up again. If it does then I will know my instinct is right, hes getting something out of it, and really Im sure that will give me the ick so bad. He also knows how the whole episode made me feel cos i told him. That it made me feel insecure, jealous, and very very unsettled and I didn't like it and I dont want to feel like that again. I think it scared him tbh. I hope it bloody did. Lets see.

Show quote history

Then I think your approach is bang on.
If this rears its head again, you have covered all the bases and he has no excuse.
Fingers crossed that’s the end of it! 🤞🤞

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 08:53

Nearly50omg · 09/09/2025 08:45

The fact that he hasn’t already unfriended her is a major red flag! You’ve already made it clear you don’t like it and yet he hasn’t….

he has.

OP posts:

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 08:52

Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 08:43

You are somewhat just relying on his ‘easy to say’ words, I guess. And now you’ve closed the subject down.

Has he properly considered whether her being single again makes him feel anything? I guess I’d want to be certain that he is not leaving the door ajar for her, and that he has thought about it and decided to close it very firmly.

I’d want him to know how the whole episode has made me feel and want his actions to confirm his assertion that she is now in the past.

Show quote history

I did. I said yesterday that if her being single again meant he needed time to consider what that means for him, then he needs to do that, its not fair to me otherwise. He reassured me that he wouldn't be interested in her even if she was single, and he loves me and is committed to me. So we did have that conversation.

I shut it down now, because it just feels like drama, and part of me worries hes loving the 'this woman is obsessed with me' bit and I don't want to feed it. What im hoping is thats it now and it won't come up again. If it does then I will know my instinct is right, hes getting something out of it, and really Im sure that will give me the ick so bad. He also knows how the whole episode made me feel cos i told him. That it made me feel insecure, jealous, and very very unsettled and I didn't like it and I dont want to feel like that again. I think it scared him tbh. I hope it bloody did. Lets see.

OP posts:

Nearly50omg · 09/09/2025 08:50

ever hears the line “methinks he protests too much?” has he not been talking to her since June or has he just deleted the messages between them since then? He might have just told her also to block you from her fb page so it looks like he’s not friends with her anymore if you look 🙄 wouldn’t believe a word he says!

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 08:45

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 08:35

Ok. Can you explain why I do? Because this bothered me? you think it shouldn't have?

Show quote history

Because you’re in your 50’s and acting like a hormone-fuelled teenager who doesn’t know any better.

You’re not “deeply in love” with a random bloke you’ve known six months who still talks about his ex constantly and who has practically tried to move himself in with you.

Nearly50omg · 09/09/2025 08:45

The fact that he hasn’t already unfriended her is a major red flag! You’ve already made it clear you don’t like it and yet he hasn’t….

Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 08:43

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 08:27

Genuinely why do you think that? I feel ive nipped it in the bud now. Whilst I would like to know why the fuck he was even friends with her in the first place - was it attention etc, I really just don't want to give it any oxygen by talking about her or the incident anymore and just get on with being us. You think there will be more drama with it? If there is, then im out. Hes lovely but Im way too old for this shit.

Show quote history

You are somewhat just relying on his ‘easy to say’ words, I guess. And now you’ve closed the subject down.

Has he properly considered whether her being single again makes him feel anything? I guess I’d want to be certain that he is not leaving the door ajar for her, and that he has thought about it and decided to close it very firmly.

I’d want him to know how the whole episode has made me feel and want his actions to confirm his assertion that she is now in the past.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 08:40

I won't tolerate it though. Ive made it crystal clear I don't do this. I want calm and secure and I deserve better. Hes apologised over and over, and now Ive put it to bed. But right now I do feel its changed things - a little - for me. I feel a bit wary.

OP posts:

Lurkingandlearning · 09/09/2025 08:35

I think you were love bombed and maybe what @GRex meant about “reveal “ was him showing a little more of his true self once he thought you were hooked.

He said he wouldn’t have liked being in your position. When his ex first contacted him he could have politely replied saying he was in a relationship , wished her well but didn’t want any contact with her. If she contacted him again he could have blocked her. He didn’t need to tell you about any of it because had he shut it down and blocked her straight away there would have been nothing to tell.

As it is he’s done exactly that (apparently) but only after causing you some concern, which he knew would happen because he’s said he wouldn’t like it if you did it to him. But now you are feeling a bit anxious and deflated and wondering if your relationship will continue as it had been. He’s put you on the back foot with and knows that you will tolerate this kind of mini drama and not question how he handled her approaching him to reconcile.

If you decide to stay with him be prepared for him to put you in similar situations that will cause you unhappiness and test your commitment to him.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 08:35

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 08:34

You both sound about 15 years old.

Ok. Can you explain why I do? Because this bothered me? you think it shouldn't have?

OP posts: