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Original poster

Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

237 replies

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 13:41

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

OP posts:
Missj25 · 09/09/2025 11:54

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 11:36

Oh Im so pleased you got that spark back. Its so so important isnt it. The illusive spark! I spent a decade trying to find it, and dated many men and even just been with people hoping it would come and it didn't. And now I have it. In spades. Its addictive i wont lie. Id just stopped fancying people and feeling nothing during kissing and sex before. Now I can't keep my hands off him, and we are very cuddly all the time its not jsut sex. And we spend hours and hours, just talking and laughing until the middle of the night sometimes. Its lovely.

I’m
49 & looking for what you guys have 🙌..
Just can’t meet the right guy 🤷🏻‍♀️
lots of dating over the years , but just never the right one, & i won’t settle , hopefully sometime soon 🤞☺️..

I hate the way when we’re a certain age we’re expected to have it altogether, & always be capable of making the right decisions, when truthfully somethings we’re still just figuring it out ..
I have it together with my kids , work…you know what I mean ..
I’m young at heart though , & there’s nothing wrong with that either 😊

Findingmypurposeinlife · 09/09/2025 11:46

There has been talk about how your ex treated you and that you have discussed this in-depth with your current partner. In my opinion that exposes your vulnerabilities rather than empowers you. If you have had therapy, that's great. You've worked on yourself and you should also have installed your own new boundaries of what your expectations are. No negotiation. No partner needs to know what (hell) you had to go through to reach that stage. At least not in that 'honeymoon stage' while you are still getting to know each other.

By discussing the issues in your past relationship, you're not giving yourself the chance to move on.
Men who don't have the best intentions literally prey on women who show their insecurities. His actions so far haven't exactly reassured you. (By your own admittance)

You haven't seen any messages since the last time his ex sent him a photo of the two of them. Playing devil's advocate, he could have just deleted them.

Anyway, I genuinely wish you all the best and I hope it all works out!

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 11:43

I agree. If its the latter, I have to work out if I can get past it, or if its just too much ick. I don't think its worth of convo. He already said he 'wasn't aware what she was up to' with the regards the pic. That just pissed me off. Hes trying to make out SHE'S the problem in this. She isn't. Its him.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 11:37

It sounds like you’ve rushed headfirst into a relationship with a man you barely know and now the reality is starting to come through.

Hes either still got a thing for her or he loves the drama and attention - neither which is attractive in a middle aged man old enough to know better.

Is this the life you really want at your time of life?

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 11:36

Oh Im so pleased you got that spark back. Its so so important isnt it. The illusive spark! I spent a decade trying to find it, and dated many men and even just been with people hoping it would come and it didn't. And now I have it. In spades. Its addictive i wont lie. Id just stopped fancying people and feeling nothing during kissing and sex before. Now I can't keep my hands off him, and we are very cuddly all the time its not jsut sex. And we spend hours and hours, just talking and laughing until the middle of the night sometimes. Its lovely.

OP posts:
KawasakiBabe · 09/09/2025 11:31

@amibeingaknob I’m 58 and I feel like that too. I am far from having my shit together, in fact I feel much less like that than I did in my 40’s. My dc are at the point of leaving home, one has gone and the other goes off to uni next week and spends most of her time with her boyfriend anyway, I have more time to think of myself and a lot of the time I have no idea what I want. What has also now raised its head is that I want some fun and passion, I feel much more of a teenager than I have for years, lol. DH and I parted 2 years ago, in a shitstorm of a break up, but we’re back together now, it may be completely the wrong thing to do but we’re so loved up and passionate about each other. We’re riding motorbikes and acting like kids again, it’s marvellous. Yes, we can be sensible and mature at the drop of a hat and we have spent hours talking about what lead to our break up, but outside of those times we just want to be happy. I don’t want to just fade away and do the sensible stuff.

Sassylovesbooks · 09/09/2025 11:29

In all this, you only have his word on what happened previously with this woman. I don't understand why a person would stay Facebook friends with someone who cheated on them??!!!! My ex cheated on me, we are not Facebook friends, we don't have any contact with each other, in person, online or via phone/text!!! Especially, as in my case, we have no children together, so no ties! If she cheated on your boyfriend with her child's Dad, why is she sending your partner lovey-dovey pictures of her and your partner???!! A person would have to have some brass neck on them to do that, given the circumstances!!!! My gut feeling is perhaps, your partner may not have been honest with you.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 11:12

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 11:06

You’re just so sensible ..
Everything is black & white in your world ..
Well it’s not in Mine & I’ve a feeling same goes for OP ..

OP if you didn’t live in OZ , & me in Ireland , we could meet up & make bad decisions together 😂 😂

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Haha I live in the UK - but Im half aussie - so you're on!

I just think there is a lot of talk when people are older/middle-aged like me like we can't have deep feelings - good and bad, or behave a bit insecure or dickish sometimes or react non-sensibly at all. Like at 51 you absolutely must have all your shit together and behave at all times like a sensible robot. And whoever you are with must also be that way and if they do anything wrong they get the boot.

Thats all im saying. Im far from perfect, I think the older i get the less grown up I feel and the less I feel i have it all figured out at all. And when was passion and love only for teens, and if older people feel it they are just being completely ridiculous idiots! This is my second chapter in life, I want to spend the rest of it either with the love of my life or single with all my brilliant mates. Apparently that makes me a complete knob. Well Id rather be a knob then.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 11:12

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 11:06

You’re just so sensible ..
Everything is black & white in your world ..
Well it’s not in Mine & I’ve a feeling same goes for OP ..

OP if you didn’t live in OZ , & me in Ireland , we could meet up & make bad decisions together 😂 😂

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It’s more that I’m wondering why someone in their fifties with years of life experience would want to have any kind of relationship with a man like this. I just genuinely don’t understand it 😬

KawasakiBabe · 09/09/2025 11:11

He is, I’m assuming, a man in his fifties, he has a past and he needs time to consider his actions. It seems to me he has done that now and has decided to put her behind him once and for all. Although the whole thing has been played as somewhat dramatic on here, I suspect it has been less so in real life. Relationships in your fifties are never without some things from the past muddying the waters. We all have a past which can raise its head from time to time, talking about it and being completely transparent is the only way to deal with it. I think the people saying ‘run’ are being premature. Him being in your home a lot of the time is nice, I think it’s probably more along the lines of you’re both enjoying each others company rather than moving in and love bombing. So long as this is now dealt with and things calm down to a steady pace you’ll be fine. Good luck to you both.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 11:06

@amibeingaknob but there is a massive gap between “not perfect” and “acting like a dick and maintaining an emotional connection with an ex for months on end”.

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 11:06

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:59

And if the timing isn’t right then you move on, you don’t put yourself in the role of fixer and therapist for grown man who can’t be bothered to behave like a grown up 🫣

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You’re just so sensible ..
Everything is black & white in your world ..
Well it’s not in Mine & I’ve a feeling same goes for OP ..

OP if you didn’t live in OZ , & me in Ireland , we could meet up & make bad decisions together 😂 😂

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:59

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 10:50

Ok , but we can’t help it if we meet someone we like & the timing isn’t great by us , it’s just human nature ..

I don’t know would I say behaving like a teenager as such .
He’s insecure , that can be worked on , no it’s not OPS job to ‘ fix him ‘ , as you say , but sure she’s with him now & she likes him a lot 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..
I just don’t think it has to be the end of the road for them ..

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And if the timing isn’t right then you move on, you don’t put yourself in the role of fixer and therapist for grown man who can’t be bothered to behave like a grown up 🫣

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 10:59

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 10:50

Ok , but we can’t help it if we meet someone we like & the timing isn’t great by us , it’s just human nature ..

I don’t know would I say behaving like a teenager as such .
He’s insecure , that can be worked on , no it’s not OPS job to ‘ fix him ‘ , as you say , but sure she’s with him now & she likes him a lot 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..
I just don’t think it has to be the end of the road for them ..

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I tend to agree. Im not that great myself tbh! Im 51, Ive had a lot of therapy but I have anxiety around some things, Im ditzy, Im quirky, Im really not perfect. Hes not judged me for some things, when he could have. Hes actually been really understanding about some things.

I dunno. I feel very very flat today. I was so happy and in love (know Im not allowed to say that but thats how i feel and its been a looooong time coming and it feels great!). But today, I just want to hide under the duvet and not see him for a while. This is what I do though, if I feel unsafe/threatened/upset or a hint of drama I just totally withdraw. I know thats due to my past relationship, i can't deal with any conflict at all. In this case it may be the best thing to do to just withdraw though. I really really don't want to have a deep and meaningful about it. We will see.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 09/09/2025 10:50

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:45

If he’s insecure then that’s his issue to work on before he gets himself into another relationship - it’s not the OP’s job to fix him and help him get over his issues 🙄

There’s also a massive difference between “not being perfect” and behaving like a teenager.

Show quote history

Ok , but we can’t help it if we meet someone we like & the timing isn’t great by us , it’s just human nature ..

I don’t know would I say behaving like a teenager as such .
He’s insecure , that can be worked on , no it’s not OPS job to ‘ fix him ‘ , as you say , but sure she’s with him now & she likes him a lot 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..
I just don’t think it has to be the end of the road for them ..

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 10:48

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 17:49

What annoys me a bit as well is he's a very jealous person himself which he admits readily. He would absolutely hate it if i was talking to an ex. I told him the other day about how i love to compliment strangers (if I think it I say it), but only women cos men think you like them which is a shame cos we all like compliments. I was just being chatty, and he said how much he would not like it if i did that. He also got a bit huffy ( i think it was jokey but not sure) when I kept drooling over pierce brosnan the other night in Murder Club. Fine figure of a man. Oh and if people have chatted me up or looked at me in the pub he gets a bit twitchy. Sooooo if the shoe was on the other foot he would have had a right tanty.

He’s love bombed you. He’s emotionally manipulative and controlling. Get rid of him.

He is deliberately going on about his ex that he was besotted with because he knows it’s hurtful; he WANTS you to feel insecure. It’s completely obvious that he wants to undermine you and make you paranoid. It’s all part of wanting to control you. The intensity of the early stages of the relationship, the jealousy/paranoia over you even talking to another man, the issue with his ex - it’s all part of the same picture.

He is not a good man and you need to get out of this relationship. So many red flags here. SO many.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:45

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 10:34

How raise my bar pp ?
Do you not feel people are not perfect in relationships & some need help , as In with OPS bf , he’s just a little insecure after being cheated on ..
I just think that is something that can be worked on , that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

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If he’s insecure then that’s his issue to work on before he gets himself into another relationship - it’s not the OP’s job to fix him and help him get over his issues 🙄

There’s also a massive difference between “not being perfect” and behaving like a teenager.

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 10:34

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:19

Please raise your bar.

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How raise my bar pp ?
Do you not feel people are not perfect in relationships & some need help , as In with OPS bf , he’s just a little insecure after being cheated on ..
I just think that is something that can be worked on , that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

TwoTuesday · 09/09/2025 10:24

It probably "doesn't feel the same" because you're seeing him more realistically now, not as your perfect match. And he probably feels the same about you. No-one is a perfect match really, but it's nice when you think they are!

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:19

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 10:14

OP had already said there is loads good about him & they work well together.
Ok , so he can get jealous, because he was cheated on by his Ex wife , so obviously that’s left him Insecure, we would all be the same ..
Counselling would be very advisable here for sure for OPS bf to teach him how to cope with these feelings..
So many always on here with ‘ dump him , get rid ‘🙄 , when they could be very good guy’s that just need a bit of help or whatever ….

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Please raise your bar.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:17

BuckChuckets · 09/09/2025 10:13

But you're a grown up. You should know by now that there's more to a happy, healthy, safe relationship than 'loving being together'.

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Exactly. I find it so incredibly depressing that there are huge numbers of adult women settling for this shit.

BuckChuckets · 09/09/2025 10:16

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 10:04

It’s been six months - he shouldn’t be being a dick at all at this stage 😬

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THIS. @amibeingaknob you seem to think this teen love type relationship (the angst, the jealousy, the not being able to be apart) is a good thing, but it's really not. So many red flags that you're ignoring.

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 10:14

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:58

Because there is so so much that is so good about him. He can be a bit of a dick at times yes. But I need some space to think this all through a bit more don't i.

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OP had already said there is loads good about him & they work well together.
Ok , so he can get jealous, because he was cheated on by his Ex wife , so obviously that’s left him Insecure, we would all be the same ..
Counselling would be very advisable here for sure for OPS bf to teach him how to cope with these feelings..
So many always on here with ‘ dump him , get rid ‘🙄 , when they could be very good guy’s that just need a bit of help or whatever ….

BuckChuckets · 09/09/2025 10:13

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 09:46

I agree.

He has his own flat but he loves being with me. We both do. But I don't know him, not really. This has shown me that.

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But you're a grown up. You should know by now that there's more to a happy, healthy, safe relationship than 'loving being together'.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/09/2025 10:07

Your posts sounded as though you were really upset by this behaviour with the ex... something that could easily have been solved by him finally doing what he should have done in the first place.

I'd be asking why he's put you through this - a fairly pointless exercise of his being flattered by the ex's attention and wanting you to feel insecure because of it.

The whole situation appealed to his vanity.